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It all started one sunny day when Xiangling gave the Eleventh of the Fatey Hragnbingers, Tortilla, a bowl of noodles because he couldn’t use chopsticks and thus was super sus. 🙁
“Please help me Xiangling! I can’t use the chopsticks,” he cried out in agony.
Xiangling smiled like the Grinch, staring dead into Childe’s eyes. “Good.”
Suddenly Xingqiu burst into the restaurant declaring he and Chongyun are literally engaged and everyone is third wheeling 🤪💅 . Everyone started clapping because they were all xingyun stans.
Forgotten Xinyan suddenly appeared and said, “These bitches gay! good for them, good for them,” Before fading away again. 👁👄👁😦
Zhongli appears. “Have you guys seen my ass?” he inquired, “it seems as if it’s gotten lost.”
“Sorry Zhongli, I stole yours to make up for my lack of ass.” Childe looked down in shame.
“You should’ve just told me, I would’ve let you borrow it, now where is that donkey?” Zhongli stared intensely at him, slightly pissed.
Childe paused, lovestruck, and starts playing Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish. “You have beautiful eyes, xiansheng,” he remarked.
“My eyes aren’t blue,
hoe
Childe.” Zhongli raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly a deafening sound boomed from outside the restaurant, signalling the arrival of everyone’s favourite child arsonist, Klee 🙁. She was accompanied by Hu Tao, who was ready to make a profit.
Albedo ran into the restaurant looking for MLORD KAEYA <33333333 because the chalk man couldn’t keep Klee under control.
“It’s not me destroying Mondstadt, it's KLEE.” He deadpanned. 🤬🤬🤬
“Shitttt,” cursed Bennett, whose bad luck caused him to detonate one of Klee’s bombs, launching him all the way to Liyue — Somehow still alive and intact.
“CHILDE WTF!!” Screeched Xiangling as she watched Childe turn into Nick Childe.
“Is that your fursona, Childe?” Kaeya asked, somehow having teleported from Mondstadt all the way to Liyue like the girlboss he is. “That’s cringe.”
“YOU’RE CRINGE!!!” Nick Childe ducked into the nearest washroom and started crying about it to himself, staring at his reflection in the mirror.
“MLORD KAEYA <33333!” Albedo tackled him to the floor, finally having found the man he was looking for. They then proceeded to make out passionately for 5 hours.
The time they spent kissing each other was enough for Klee to destroy Teyvat. Without the supervision of her brothers, she went on a rampage. Not even girl boss lesbian Raiden Shogun could stop the 8 year old bomb child. And thus, Teyvat was blown up into nothingness.
“I was gone,” Aether sighed, “for ONE DAY.” Unlike the rest of Teyvat, Aether had actually been productive, having found his sister and destroying the Abyss order as well as the Fatui.
“Brother you should’ve joined me,” Lumine appeared, grinning.
Venti plopped down from nowhere screaming “OW FUCK, MY KNEES” because he landed on his kneecaps (rip) —why do ppl keep coming from nowhere???
Venti’s eyes twinkled and after watching the French cartoon he enthusiastically started saying
“Dvalin, spots on YAAA”
🥺🥺🥺🥺
Dvalin, utterly tired and done with everyone’s bullshit, decided to restore Teyvat to what it was before the bomb child destroyed it all. He then cursed Albedo and Kaeya to only speak in Vine references for the rest of their lives, because someone needed to be punished for the destruction of Teyvat and Klee’s puppy dog eyes were too strong (more like eyes full of threat).
“Aw fuck, I cant believe you’ve done this,” Kaeya said in an British accent, holding his cheek like someone had just punched him in the face.
Albedo doesn’t know any vines so he’s mute. 😢😢
“Yeet,” kaeya said sadly, faced with the realization that he would never hear his beloved’s beautiful voice ever again. he silently cursed himself for not teaching albedo any vines when he had the chance to.
“I found my ass!” Zhongli came running back. everyone looked, and sure enough, in his arms was a full grown donkey. He looked close to tearing up. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Childe, having recovered from the sick burn by kaeya, slid into Zhongli’s DMs. “ I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
Zhongli stared at him for a moment, then, abruptly: “Okay. Let’s get married.”
Xiangling cheered, her plan for getting Zhongli and Childe together having succeeded.
It was at this moment that the authors realized that this story takes place in Liyue meaning that everyone is speaking the wrong language.
“公子，我爱你”，钟离哭着的告诉他。
“先生，我不会讲中文。”
“雪花飘飘，北风萧萧，”钟离笑着说。
“先生你OK吗？”
钟离摇头，开始跳起舞、唱起歌来：“浆果和奶油，浆果和奶油，我是一个小子，喜欢浆果和奶油。”
Вдруг они в Snezhnaya, “привет товарищи это я тарталья!” he has a vlogging career. Somehow successful, i can’t read russian or type it, but childe can.
It seems to have been chinese, and i can’t read alot, and so the narrator shall begin anew.
“啊??? 什么????”
“我......不能再买Gucci了???!?!?!?”
“对, 你花了太多钱。”
“对不起~~~~~我已经花完了你卡里的钱~~~~~”
“What.” Childe was so shocked that he changed the language of the fic back into English. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN???” His anger once again shifted reality and suddenly everyone was speaking in French.
“Ce n’est pas possible!” xingqiu est tres surprise, la langue pour le fanfic c’est francais maintenant, “quoi??!?! JE NE PARLE LE FRANCAIS?”
“Moi aussi, eh?” Zhongli est tres confusee, parce que les narrateurs uhhhhhh….. Est tres stupide(?)
“We should all submit this fic to our language teachers,” one of the narrators suggested, jokingly. After a few moments of silence as the other narrators seriously considered it, the first narrator realized what they had done. “I WAS JOKING AI PROMISE PLEASE DONT ACTUALLY DO IT.” The narrator seemed very distressed.
“HELP/!??!?!” another one of the narrators started bursting out laughing, “BUT WHAT IF I WANT EXTRA CREDIT? HUH?” They were demanding, wanting answers, threatening to spread this fanfic if they didn’t get any.
Suddenly, Zhongli’s ass appeared, “quoi--?!?! Pardon?!?!”
“My ass is…. Billingual?” Zhongli spoke, without questioning the fact that a fucking donkey is talking.
“Where is this story going, exactly?” Xiangling asked, breaking the fourth wall like the girlboss she is. Her question however, is very valid. Unfortunately, the authors can’t quite answer that question themselves, as they have no clue either.
“Greetings from the anemo archon, barssobasstos, no, is it bar-toe-piss?” Rosaria is now here, glaring at the ass and zhongli, “You took that ass from me.” She continued to guess barbatos’s name, while holding eye contact with the ass.
“Anyways my dms with someone are haunted with venti x diluc r34,” one of the authors stated, not so proudly. They looked around, checking to make sure neither of them were here.
“I’m sorry?” Diluc suddenly popped up from nowhere with a pinched expression.
Kaeya laughed. “Iridocyclitis,” he wheezed, because he enjoyed seeing Diluc in immense pain.
“How the fuck can you hear me…” The narrator ran in embarrassment, also laughing at the same time as I mean…… IT IS a funny dynamic………….
“Oh lord Barbatos, please cleanse these people of their sins…” Barbara appeared, praying to the 4 winds. Suddenly, venti.
The setting is now a hospital.
“I’m so sorry xiansheng, but you have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis…” Childe spoke with emotion, very dramatic since he had the hots for Zhongli.
“Childe…? I’m sorry but I also have to diagnose you with antidisestablishmentarianism.”
“Xiansheng, that's not very girlboss of you….”
“No one’s going to bring up the fact that the definition of antidisestablishmentarianism is literally opposition to the withdrawal of state support or recognition from an established church, especially the Anglican Church in 19th-century England? Nobody??” Xingqiu, the human dictionary asked indignantly because he is a salty Twitter user who does not like it when people have fun.
“I love you, Childe,” Zhongli said. Then, he died.