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Part 1 of Daily Shenanigans at SHIELD HQ (The rules, and the stories behind them)
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Published:
2012-02-21
Updated:
2012-03-14
Words:
2,047
Chapters:
3/?
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24
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254
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Out Of The Handbook: The Unofficial Official Rules and Regulations Of SHIELD HQ

Summary:

New recruit at SHIELD HQ? Please go directly to the Main Bulletin Board for the rest of the rules and regulations not covered in the handbook, as well as announcements, memos and other additional information.

Welcome to hell, Agent, enjoy your stay.

Notes:

Not sure how many chapters this is going to have, but I've only completed this one so far. The second one is a WIP. :D

Feedback? I need to know if this is good enough to continue. XD

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Honestly, it wasn’t supposed to get so out of hand. Someone (supposedly the Director himself, but nobody wanted to point fingers in that direction) had posted the first rule on the very empty bulletin board, and, soon after, more and more just kept appearing. Now, the Main Bulletin Board was one of the most valuable things in the SHIELD Headquarters, and new recruits were ordered (yes, ordered) to read and review it as thoroughly as the actual handbook. The ever-growing list of unofficial official rules and announcements became such a fast hit that even if there were several threats to having everything removed, it stayed solely because it was just that valuable.

The unspoken laws were just as important to follow as the ones written down, after all.  

---

INTRODUCING THE MAIN BULLETIN BOARD OF THE STRATEGIC HAZARD INTERVENTION, ESPIONAGE LOGISTICS DIRECTORATE:

  • Do not cross Director Fury. (He’s the boss, and orders shall not be questioned.)

“Unless you’re Tony Stark~” “Haha, very funny. Consider your lab accesses threatened.” “How harsh. Who poked your eye patch today, Mr. Grouch?”

  • Don’t cross Agent Romanov, either.

“I’m flattered.” Natasha Romanov was heard to remark when she read the rule.

  • Briefings and debriefings are not optional. Do not treat them as such. 

Tony Stark had been missing them for the last several missions until the Director got fed up.

-

Whoever stole the unopened bottle of vodka from my locker, give it back.

(Natasha, I’m shocked.)

-

Agent Romanov neither confirmed nor denied the accusation.

-

MISSING: Taser

            -In good condition. Decorated with nail polish and heart stickers. Has sentimental value.

Please return to Darcy Lewis of Lab 213

-

Darcy sniffed, “I tasered Thor with that after the first time we ran him over. Remember that, Jane? Remember?"

  • Tony Stark is not a VIP. Please refrain from encouraging his ego.

Tony pinned his six-page spread from an international magazine as the number 1 in the ‘Hottest and Richest in America’ list in retaliation.

-

May the person who turned the vending machine in the break room into a bomb please diffuse it immediately. 

(You know who you are.)

(Tony.)

- 

Agent Coulson was far from amused when he took a snack break only to find the vending machine start beeping ominously when he put his coins in.

  • ‘I wasn’t paying attention’ is not a legitimate excuse, especially if it doesn’t answer the question as to why you were tinkering with the vending machines in the first place. 

“Wow, Tony, you really annoyed him this time.” “How was I supposed to know he liked Mars Bars that much?” “How could you turn something into a bomb by accident, anyway?”

Steve Rogers then realized he had asked the wrong question when he had to sit through half an hour of Tony explaining how spending most of his life learning how to make explosives tended to seep into his inventing and fixing habits when he wasn’t focusing on the task.

  • Don’t believe everything Agent Barton says, he takes enjoyment out of scaring the new recruits. 

“Aww, but they’re so gullible!” Phil Coulson turned to glare at the marksman, “Do you want me to bring up the ‘Haunted Break Room’ incident, Barton?” “Hey, in fairness to me, that was a pretty good one.” “You made five brand new agents leave.”

-

The SHIELD HQ Betting Pool has been officially OPENED! Approach Dr. Bruce Banner in Lab 152 or Darcy Lewis in Lab 213 to place your bets.

-  

“Oh, this is going to be so fun.” Agent Barton was heard to have said, rubbing his hands together in evil glee.

  • If you value your life, don’t mention the Director and the word ‘pirate’ in the same sentence. 

Fury had heard a lot of mockery about his eye patch, but he put his foot down at "Aye, aye, Cap'n!"

-

To the sorry soul who instigated the rumor about Captain America and Iron Man, start running.

-  

Steve Rogers and Tony Stark were found stalking the halls after they heard about the whispers going around about their relationship.  

The culprit was found the next day, stuck to the ceiling, decorated with paper stars and doused with machine oil.

  • Come on, people, don’t aggravate Dr. Banner, we just got the walls repaired.

This should have been absolute given, really, but some foolhardy new recruits tended to lack common sense.

-

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

To: ALL NEW SHIELD AGENTS

Re: There will be a meeting with Agent Coulson at  1500 hours for an introductory seminar. Please be punctual and bring a notepad and a pen.

-

Chapter 2

Notes:

And here's the second chapter! :D Hope this one's a little better than the first. :)

Chapter Text

A raging Jane Foster stormed up to the large bulletin board, hair a bird’s nest and clothes stained with unidentifiable chemicals. Tacking a slightly crumpled piece of paper to the board roughly, she huffed, straightened her skirt, and made her way back to the laboratories.

  • Please keep yourselves from giving Norse gods of thunder coffee and poptarts at the same time in generous amounts.

The scientists working in the laboratories were unfortunate to discover that Thor on a sugar high plus breakable lab equipment equaled in total disaster.

  • Captain America is not a museum artifact. Please refrain from gawking and treating him like he is fragile. 

“Thank you, Natasha.” “You’re welcome.”

  • Loki, the god of Chaos, Mischief and Trickery, was here, and shall return to cause the imminent destruction of the Avengers.

Steve laughed, “Nice one, Tony. The elegant script’s a nice touch, where’d you learn how to write like that?” “…uhh…I didn’t do that.”

There was silence as the team leaned in to inspect the inconspicuous piece of paper neatly pinned to the board. “Clint? Did you…?” “Definitely not me, Cap.”

Silence once again.

“Thor, could you verify—“I am very much assured that that is my brother’s handwriting, America’s Captain.”

After alerting Coulson, the six went off to suit up and go looking for the god, while Fury initiated Code Red and the entire headquarters went into lockdown.

  • You can run, but you can’t hide.

Apparently, Jane found out who gave Thor the coffee and poptarts, and was definitely not pleased. Agent Barton was last reported to have quickly taken the next mission that needed him to be on the other side of the country.

  • Consider yourself warned.

This rule was followed by a lot of confusion at first, until the story of how a cocky new agent made the mistake of making lewd passes at Agent Romanov.

Nobody was sure what exactly the Black Widow did to him, but, when asked, the nurses from the Medical Wing only smiled and said he’d be fully healed after a month.

-

If your computers start to hang, don’t panic, a monthly check-up’s just being done.

-      

“GET OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS, STARK.” Director Fury had bellowed after reading the note scrawled on the back of a flier of the new Stark phone.

  • If you notice the stock of coffee powder in the break room start to drop below average, please take the responsibility to replenish it.

Nobody could forget the time a new recruit finished the last of the coffee powder and didn’t bother to refill the empty jar.  

The whole Avengers team, who were rumored to run on the beverage, were after him for 2 whole months before they grudgingly dropped the issue.

  • Agent Coulson is not the Avengers’ ‘babysitter’, and shall not be referred to as such.

When Thor ran up to the man asking for spare change to buy ‘the exquisitely crafted Midgardian Cube of Rubix’ a little later, however, this rule was considered null and void.

-

Someone tell Barton I finished upgrading his bow and arrows. He’s not answering his phone, and I have a boring Board Meeting to attend. Thanks.

-Tony S.

-

  • The break room coffee machine is not the Avengers’ property. Stop saying it is.

“Well, that’s useless,” Bruce Banner had said, “Nobody’s willing to touch it, anyway.”

  • No one cares if you’re Tony Stark, you are not allowed to have an all-access SHIELD pass.

“Kill-joys.” Tony grumbled into his coffee.

  • If you are on the SHIELD premises, please wear your uniform or an appropriate outfit.

After having had the misfortune of watching Thor wander into the headquarters wearing things from bathrobes to lightning-printed boxers, the receptionists and security guards decided that they had had enough.

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

To say that Captain America looked angry was an understatement—he was positively livid

Everyone made sure to give him a wide berth as he marched up to the bulletin board and tacked a new rule on, muttering under his breath, before heading off to the showers to clean himself off.

  • Just because you wear an armored suit that can withstand big explosions better than everyone else does not mean you’re invulnerable to injury and possible death.

The eccentric billionaire had suffered several broken bones, cracked ribs, a concussion, incredible bruising and second-degree burns for throwing himself on a bomb during the Avengers’ last battle. The whole team had given a lot of grief for almost dying, but Tony knew that he had worried them sick, and made up for it by upgrading all their gear and equipment the moment he was released.

-

SHIELD HQ Betting Pool: Ongoing Bets

*The relationship between Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.

*Next pattern of Thor’s boxers.

*How long Tony Stark can last without coffee.

*Which office supplies Agent Romanov can turn into weapons.

Please approach either Dr. Banner or Darcy Lewis in their respective labs to place your bets.

Keep them coming!

-

  • If you are to be found hanging from the ceiling one more time, any and/or all SHIELD staff are authorized to taser and forcibly remove you from the premises.

Agent Barton had apparently scared Director Fury one time too many.

  • ‘Just because.’ Is not a legitimate reason as to why you would bring all a SHIELD agent’s gadgets to life and program them to attack him.

“If you heard what he called Pepper, I doubt you would have written that.” Tony had said with a smirk.

  • Unless you are a fan of incredibly angry gods of Thunder, you are highly discouraged from flirting with Dr. Jane Foster.

(No. Really.)

Phil Coulson had decided that many of the new recruits were worth keeping, and made sure to help them from meeting their untimely demise by posting the rule.

-

Beer Pong contest against Clint Barton being held in the break room at 1300 hours TODAY.  

Terms and Conditions:

~If you lose, payment is due.

~If you win, payment is guaranteed.

-

Tony gave the note an incredulous stare. “Beer pong? With you? Who’s stupid enough to play against you of all people??"  

Clint only smiled smugly, glancing at the group of fresh, new agents standing beside them.

“Oh, you’d be surprised.”

  • There is no such thing as ‘Ass-slapping week’.

After witnessing one whole day of every SHIELD agent and staff going about their regular duties with hands over their behinds, Fury decided that, as entertaining as it was to watch, they had a reputation to maintain, and proceeded to ban the event.

  • If strawberry flavored poptarts just so happen to make their way on the list of snacks to buy for the break room, don’t question it.

The same way it was found that too much poptarts made a hyper god of Thunder, too little made an equally grouchy one.

-

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

To: All SHIELD agents and staff

An HQ-wide game of Tag will be held at 1900 hours tomorrow. Please come in the appropriate attire (training outfit highly suggested) and be prepared. There will be absolutely no exceptions.

-  

It had taken a lot of convincing until Fury finally agreed to allow base-wide games to be held every now and then to help decrease tension and stress-levels, and build up on teamwork.

(The straw that had apparently broken the camel’s back was his surprise at finding out that Agent Coulson had come up with the idea in the first place.)

  • If you’re going to make inappropriate comments about someone, at least make sure that said person is not within hearing range. (Ladies, I’m disappointed.)

After accidentally overhearing the female analysts’ comments about him, Steve couldn’t remove the blush from his face for the next three days. When he was distracted enough to start spacing out during mission briefings and run into doors, Natasha decided to take action.

Notes:

Also, as you can see, I'm placing this as part of a series. :))

Anyone want to know what happened with that 'Haunted Break Room' incident? I'm curious too. XD

So how was it? Corny? Not really funny? Confusing format?

Reviews are greatly appreciated so I know what to fix. :D