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There’s a song that plays in slapstick cartoons before something bad happens. It’s hard to describe, and the memory of it is foggy, but it’s a real song. It’s calm and serene and fully encapsulates the peacefulness of the moment it’s played in. If Phoenix Wright’s life were a slapstick cartoon (which, to be honest, it probably was), that’s the song that was playing moments before Larry Butz, breathless and sweating, slammed open the door to the WAA, causing Apollo to jump about three inches out of his seat.
Larry locked eyes with Phoenix, and in the most pathetic voice, one hand on his knee and one hand gripping onto the doorknob for dear life, pleaded, “I need relationship advice.”
Apollo responded to this by gathering up his stuff and leaving the building. Phoenix waved at him through the window before turning his chair back around to face Larry with an amused-slash-confused grin. “What?”
“You heard me, man, tell me your secrets!” Larry removed himself from the doorway, jumping into the seat that was placed in front of Phoenix’s desk, but doing so while flipping the chair around, so he ended up in a position similar to that of a stereotypical dad’s.
The amusement in Phoenix’s smile faded, with the confusion becoming more prominent. “Sorry, what?”
Larry groaned dramatically, throwing his head back with it. “You’re my only friend in a relationship! I figured you’d be the best person to—“
It took a minute for Phoenix to register what exactly was said in Larry’s first sentence, but once he figured it out, he was quick to interrupt. “…What?”
Another groan. The chair Larry sat in squeaked against the floor, moving with him as he threw himself forward, nearly knocking the chair over. He pouted, the most pure embodiment of a manchild. “Will you stop saying what? You know what I’m talking about! You and Edgey have been together since..since forever, honestly.”
If Phoenix had had water in his mouth right then, he would’ve spat it out in the most climatic spit take known to man. But he didn’t. So instead, he spat out various arguments, stumbling over each one. Which was weird, considering that arguing was his job. “I- No, you know- Well, no- Larry you bas- It’s just- We’re just-”
Larry nodded sagely, and pressed a finger to Phoenix’s lips, which Phoenix bit like a petulant child. Larry drew his hand back like Phoenix was on fire, shaking it to numb the pain. Through gritted teeth he hissed, “Shit, I forgot you had sharp teeth.”
“High school stupidity finally came in handy.” Phoenix marked the end of the sentence with a grin, showing off his chompers. His pearly whites. His gleaming ivories. Hi-
“I know you guys probably want to keep things secret,” Larry steepled his fingers, ignoring the one that was now bleeding, another victim of Phoenix’s goth phase. “But c’mon, it’s pretty obvious that you two are bangin’.”
Phoenix clenched his jaw, feeling like he had just been punched in the gut 27 consecutive times and then shot in the head. ‘Bangin’’? What has Phoenix possibly done that gave off the impression that he and Edgeworth were “””””Bangin’””””” (as Larry oh so eloquently put it)? “Larry,” he said weakly, “Wh--”
“If you say ‘what’ again, I swear to god, I’m going to kill you.”
“Please..please don’t say that in a lawyer’s office,” was all Phoenix managed to say in his bewildered state.
There was a moment of silence between the two, in which Phoenix cradled his head in his hands and Larry pieced things together. “...Are you and Edgey...actually not together?” He whispered, about as shocked as Phoenix was.
“No. No Larry, we are not.”
“Oh.” Another moment of silence, one that was quickly interrupted by Larry bursting into laughter. No, no, laughter wasn’t the right word. Larry was fucking cackling. Phoenix didn’t see what was so funny, about ready to sink into the floor and die after Larry’s ‘bangin’ statement.
Larry, in between bouts of laughter, holding his stomach and struggling to breath, said things that were only humorous to himself. Things like: “He told you...to strip naked in front of the court...and you guys are still...just friends?” And: “YOU CHANGED YOUR CAREER PATH FOR HIM...AND YOU’RE...JUST FRIENDS..?” And also: “Unnecessary feelings. That was friendship to you?” And...you get it.
Phoenix tried and failed to rebuke these arguments, claiming that all of these moments were taken out of context. Yes, even the career path change, Larry, stop laughing. But everytime he argued, that just sent Larry into another fit of chortles. Eventually, Phoenix decided to pull out the big guns. He punched in Edgeworth’s number (which he knew by heart, but that was just a friendship thing) and listened to the dial tone. By the time he was ready to give up and just let Larry ruthlessly make fun of him for the end of time, Edgeworth picked up. Phoenix put him on speaker.
“Alright, shut up Larry. Hey Miles, are we in a relationship?”
“...Phoenix, our anniversary is this week.”