Work Text:
CNN sat at her desk, staring at the blank document in front of her. She promised her editor that she’d have this article done by the end of the day, but CNN procrastinated all week (it was a really busy week!) and now she had two and a half hours to get it over and done with.
Her cursor blinked mockingly.
CNN could pump out essays at lightning speed, that was something her professors and teachers always complimented her on. But today, she couldn’t think of anything to write, and she wanted to rip her hair out. Speaking of hair, she had to retouch her roots soon. CNN’s roommate, Fox News, always told her that the bright red isn’t flattering and doesn’t suit your complexion, CNN and many other unsolicited passive-aggressive comments in a honeyed voice.
Egh, thinking about Fox News was just going to make her frustrated. She had to focus, focus . It would be fine, CNN just had to focus on the task at hand and she’d be done in no time! No more distractions.
Someone was unlocking the door.
Oh god, why? Why me? CNN thought to herself as the door opened and Fox News stepped in.
“I bought more milk!” Fox News said. “Because someone seemed to forget that milk goes bad when you don’t put it in the fridge.” Fox News gave CNN a tight-lipped smile.
“I’ve told you, I don’t drink milk , I didn’t leave it out.” CNN left it out for the sole reason of pissing off Fox News.
“No one else lives here!”
“Maybe you left it out and forgot.”
“I wouldn’t forget something like that.”
“You forgot that you forgot.”
Fox News threw a pen at the back of CNN’s head, and CNN, taking the high road, didn’t acknowledge it.
After an exchange of a few half-hearted insults, the two roommates settled into their usual routine of working quietly. There were many words CNN had to say about Fox News, but at the very least, she wasn’t overly loud or disruptive. Most of the time. She did have a habit of immediately going against whatever CNN said, so CNN wondered if those were genuinely her opinions or if she got a kick out of being argumentative. That’s not to say that CNN was perfect, though, she liked getting a rise out of Fox News as well, so perhaps it was equal exchange.
Ew, that felt a little too much like admitting to her faults. No, CNN was totally the perfect picture of a saint and everything was Fox News’ fault. Yeah.
CNN was just getting started on concluding her article when Fox News closed her laptop, stretching her legs. CNN heard her go into the kitchen and rummage around for a couple moments, before returning.
“Here,” Fox News said, handing CNN a cupcake from the bakery down the road.
“If you wanted to poison me, you could’ve been more discreet about it.” CNN turned back to her computer screen.
“Oh for heaven's sake—I’m just trying to do something nice for you!”
CNN went back to typing. “Whatever you want, the answer is probably no.” CNN took the cupcake anyway, though, because it was red velvet, and therefore worth the risk of potential poison.
“Would it kill you to hear people out for once?”
“Probably!” CNN said cheerfully. “But go ahead, say your piece.”
“Pretend to date me for Christmas.”
CNN stopped chewing, staring at Fox News expectantly for the punchline of her joke. Fox News said nothing to elaborate.
“Are you like, serious right now?”
Fox News groaned. “Do you honestly think I would put myself through this conversation if I weren’t serious?”
“I thought you were joking!”
“You’re the one who always complains about me quote-on-quote not having a sense of humour!”
“Okay fine, you’re serious, whatever,” CNN crossed her arms. “Why me? I mean, for one, aren’t your parents like, super conservative? And two, you have a bunch of other friends! Like that one douchebag, what’s his name . . . The Daily Wire? Why don’t you just take him?”
“I’ve asked him, and The Federalist, and Daily Mail! I even asked NPR, NPR , you’re the bottom-of-the-barrel option right now. Additionally, you’re essentially the only person I know who doesn’t have a life and is planning to stay on campus for the holidays.”
“Really feeling the love right now,” CNN muttered sarcastically. “Shouldn’t you be nice to the people you want favours from? And circling back to the ‘super conservative’ thing, what’s the story with that?”
Fox News got a distant, slightly angry, look in her eyes. “If I brought you back, it would cause them immeasurable anger, and they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, because they are obligated to be polite to guests.”
“Okay, that’s valid, but why not just go alone?”
“Because-because—I can’t explain it! I just, they just expect it from me.”
Ah yes, that made sense. Going against her parents’ expectations was okay when it came to big life choices and stuff like sexuality, but god forbid not bringing someone home for Christmas! Fox News was keeping something from her. Honestly, that was her prerogative, it wasn’t like their relationship was particularly trusting, but it would be amiss to say that CNN wasn’t curious of her ulterior motives. So, there was only one way to find out:
“Fine, I’ll do it. But you owe me big time.”
“Thank you. I’ll drive.”
“Wait wait wait, driving ? Doesn’t your family live in like, Texas?”
Fox News sighed and rubbed her temples. “Vacation home in Michigan.”
“That’s a twelve-hour drive from New York!”
“Wow, astute observation, I had no idea how long the drive I make every year would be,” Fox News said sarcastically. “You East Coast people are always so appalled by normal road trip lengths.”
“That is not normal, there’s no way I’m going to stay in a car with you for twelve hours.”
A week later, CNN was sitting on the passenger side of Fox News’ car as they pulled up to the driveway.
“Reminder to self—don’t get a roommate next year,” CNN said out loud.
Fox News didn’t respond to CNN’s jibe, staring at the steering wheel. “We’re here.”
“Cheerful!” CNN said. “Really feeling that holiday spirit!”
Fox News’ eye visibly twitched. “Listen, CNN, this is very h—I’ve been driving all day and I am tired, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make my life difficult right now.”
“You were the one that invited me,” CNN muttered under her breath. Still, she decided to lay off for a while.
“Okay—” Fox News took a deep breath. “—first thing we do is meet the parents. You can introduce yourself as . . . what, partner? Girlfriend?”
“Girlfriend’s fine.” CNN idly fiddled with a candy wrapper.
“Noted. Only my parents and my brother are here right now, my extended family will be arriving tomorrow and the day after. Be polite and you’ll be fine.”
“‘Kay.”
Fox News took another long, drawn-out breath. “This was such a bad idea, why did I make this decision?”
“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just come alone—” CNN started. But Fox News had already shut the car door.
The exterior of the vacation home was very cosy looking. It was a nice, cabin style home with a patio and a fireplace. Plus, with the snow, it looked like a picturesque season’s greetings postcard.
Which was all very fine and grand, and probably would’ve been pleasant to look at, if the sight of the house didn’t fill CNN with dread.
Fox News pushed the creaky door open, and CNN followed behind her, a growing sense of anticipation and regret building up in her chest.
“Just a refresher: my mother is A.M. Journal Express, and my father is Goodwin’s Weekly. You can call them Mrs Express and Mr Weekly. Brother is the Epoch TImes, you’ll hate him. Smile.”
And without waiting for a response, Fox News walked down the hallway.CNN opted to stay a little behind, peeking through the doorway
“We’re here!” Fox News smiled warmly.
“Ah, so you are,” Mr Weekly chuckled.
“Oh, Fox News!” Mrs Express ran up to her.
“How’ve you been, mom?”
“How have I been? My own daughter doesn’t check up on me anymore!”
Fox News laughed awkwardly.
“I take it you brought Blaze Media? Where is he?” Mrs Express peered at the entrance to the hallway curiously. CNN quickly moved out of sight.
Fox News’ smile looked more strained by the second. “We broke up, mom, I told you already.”
Mrs Express clicked her tongue. “I always liked that boy.”
Fox News had told CNN about Blaze Media before, mainly making fun of him (the guy posted photos of him holding fish on his tinder unironically), but there other bits and pieces that put together a picture making him out to be, well, for lack of better words, a manipulative asshole. Honestly, CNN felt bad for Fox News. Sure, she’d declared Fox News her mortal enemy and all, but she didn’t actually mean that. Besides, Fox News had been through some crap that no one should have to deal with. Even her mortal enemies.
“I brought someone else instead,” Fox News said. “This is my girlfriend, CNN!” CNN took it as her cue to step out.
“‘Evening! It’s a pleasure to meet you,” CNN said, plastering on her customer service smile.
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.
Mr Weekly cleared his throat. “Er, Fox News, could we speak in private?”
CNN was not surprised in the slightest. Come on, she had short spiky bright red hair and multiple piercings, even discarding any prejudice towards queer people, she wasn’t exactly the picture of a Respectable Church Girl. Maybe she shouldn’t have worn a Guns n Roses shirt, but it was a comfortable shirt and they were in the car for twelve hours, so CNN thought it was an okay clothing choice. She would’ve picked something different if she actually cared about Fox News’ parents’ opinions.
“We can later, dad. I should help CNN put away the bags.”
Fox News proceeded to practically drag CNN out of the living room, and CNN swore she could hear Mr Weekly mutter something about how a man should take care of bags.
“Wow!” CNN said, throwing her duffel bag onto the bed. “I feel so welcomed!”
“To be fair, you knew this was going to happen.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” CNN pulled out her laptop. The fan came to life loudly as her ancient computer started up (she’d been meaning to get a new one but really, she was too emotionally attached to her current one). “Now leave me alone, I have to catch up on my writing.”
Fox News crossed her arms. “It was just twelve hours, and you probably typed for six of them. How far behind can you be?”
“Hard to stay ahead of schedule when you’re writing for the news because, well, can’t write what hasn’t happened yet. I have a couple of op-ed pieces done as back up though!”
“So . . . the problem is?”
CNN shrugged. “I write for two newspapers and three separate columns, and I said I could write more over the break. And other freelance stuff. I think. I forgot.”
Fox News rolled her eyes. “Well, you’re going to have to change that schedule, because as soon as my extended family gets here, you’ll be subject to their whims and be obligated to partake in whatever activities they wish.”
“I don’t understand how you manage to say nothing of substance with so many words.”
“You won’t have much free time.”
“WHAT?” CNN stopped typing. “But I have—”
“Yeah, well, you’ll have to figure it out. And you have to sleep on the floor.”
“ What— I’m your guest! Just get another room or something.”
“I can’t get another room! I have a lot of family coming over, and besides, that would make the dating lie fall apart, don’t you agree?”
CNN wasn’t going to be able to get any work done in these conditions.
CNN stared at her cracked phone screen, watching her friends type in their group chat.
POLITICO
youre WHERE??
CNN
guys pls
WApost
HSHFKDHSKFHKSHFKDHDKHJ
The Onion
OH MY GOD LMAOSKHFKHSZKDHKS
The Onion
AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES
WApost
oh my god they were roommates!!!
POLITICO
I can’t believe you’d ditch me to go to MICHIGAN with FOX NEWS :(( </3
POLITICO
i thought you loved me
CNN
it’s only for a week
WApost
Have fun! Be careful, okay? Your safety comes first
CNN
bestie i’ll be fine
WApost
Still, call if you need anything :^))
CNN turned off her phone, sighing. Fox News was out of bed before she woke up, and she didn’t particularly want to leave the room by herself. It was seven a.m., and she should probably spend her free time writing, but it would take her a while to get into the writing mindset, and if she got broken out of her writing trance as the Washington Post liked to call it, it would be annoying to pick up what she left off.
Her phone buzzed with a text from Fox News:
Fox News
There’s a diner we can drive to in town to get breakfast.
Fox News
I don’t particularly want to eat with my parents, and I doubt you want to either.
Well, at the very least, having her annoying roommate with her provided at least some familiarity.
“Pancakes,” CNN was saying, “or the ideal of an ‘American Breakfast’ in general, is a harmful ideal because to eat sugar for breakfast won’t fuel you for your day, and American standards for food, in general, don’t line up with what scientists say is healthy.
“That doesn’t seem to stop you.”
CNN continued drowning her pancakes in syrup.
Fox News sighed. “So, Christmas eve is in five days. We need to go Christmas shopping before it’s too late.”
“Who even goes to stores? Just shop online.”
“You,” Fox News said,” lead a sad, sad life.”
CNN shrugged. “Who do you need to get gifts for?”
“I’ve already gotten whatever I need to give to my extended family, I just need to purchase gifts for my brother and parents.”
“Oh yeah, speaking of your extended family, do I need to like, know any names or—?” CNN speared some berries with her fork.
“No, you can introduce yourself. Or not, I-I was actually thinking about it, that conversation we had last night—”
“—You mean when you tried to suffocate me with a pillow?”
“Oh my god, would it kill you to let me finish a sentence?”
CNN held up her hands signalling a silent sorry .
“What I was about to tell you is that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It wouldn’t be fair to force you into stuff that you don’t have time for, and I know you have work to do. So to sum it up, you’re free to do whatever you wish.”
“Awh, Fox News, I can’t believe you’re being nice to me! We’ve come so far.”
“I am always nice to you!”
“You threatened to hit me with your car and freeze my body in the snow.”
Honestly, though, CNN did appreciate it. She was kind of over-exaggerating with the whole work thing, sure, she had stuff to get done, but it wouldn’t be that much of a setback. Still, that wasn’t going to stop her from counting down the days until they could go home.
When they got back to the house, there were many cars parked outside. Fox News looked a lot less on edge than she had the day before, which CNN asked about on the drive back. Fox News said something about it being less tense when her parents were distracted. Which, y’know, totally wasn’t concerning. Regardless, it didn’t matter,
“Hey, CNN?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for coming with me. I’m glad you’re here.”
***
The next few days passed in a flurry of holiday music, hiding in their room, and making small talk with strangers whom CNN could not be bothered to remember the names of. Oh, and she grew a bit closer with Fox News. Just a bit. Then, after what simultaneously felt like forever and no time at all, it was Christmas eve.
“CNN,” Fox News said with a small smile.
CNN was typing upside down, it was not working very well. “Greetings!”
Her laptop fell on her face.
Fox News laughed as CNN groaned in pain, like the heartless bastard she was.
“Are you ready?” Fox News asked, lending CNN a hand to pull herself up.
“Yeah, let’s go.” CNN rubbed her forehead. They were going to have a Christmas dinner at a nice restaurant, and it was one of the only things Fox News insisted CNN attend.
The dinner was fairly unnoteworthy, the food was mediocre, and although CNN made small talk, she sensed that most of the people didn’t want to talk to her.
“Good evening,” a voice said from the previously empty chair next to CNN.
Oh, it was Fox News’ mom.
CNN ran through the normal pleasantries; the ‘ wow can you believe the weather? ’s and the ‘how has your holiday been? ’s. But then, Mrs Weekly leaned closer to her.
“I know you did something to my daughter.” Mrs Weekly said.
CNN gave her a confused look. “I mean, I did draw on her hand this morning if that’s—”
“No need to be short with me young lady,” Mrs Weekly started. “My daughter would never choose to be a—a queer.” It was like the word caused her physical pain. “Her father and I spoke to her, but we couldn’t change her mind.”
CNN stood up, slamming her hands on the dinner table. Fox News mouthed at her to stop, but CNN pretended she didn’t see her.
“Mrs Express, with all due respect, that’s absolute bullshit.” CNN put her hands on her hips. “How can you claim that something like sexuality is a choice, lest you have any recollection of choosing to be straight? There’s no reason your child would voluntarily choose to lead a more difficult life, especially one that would estrange them from the rest of their family.”
No one spoke, CNN continued on.
“And what’s more, have you ever paused to consider why you’re against it in the first place? Have you ever paused and taken a closer look into your prejudice? The environment you grow up in influences your mindset, but it’s up to you to change that for the next generation. You shun your daughter from something that is and always has been normal, for what? Some outdated writings that don’t hold any relevance to society today? Check yourself.”
Fox News stood up abruptly, dragging CNN by the arm. “We’ll be off now, Happy Christmas.”
And with that, Fox News stomped out of the establishment. She began speed-walking to where the car was parked, which was a bit of a walk as they couldn’t find parking nearby.
“God, you really will just say anything that comes to mind,” Fox News said, crossing her arms.
“It’s not my fault your—”
“Stop saying that! Oh my god, when will you realise that you aren’t always right ? It is your fault. Stop making excuses and deflecting and just, just take a little bit of responsibility for once.”
CNN didn’t say anything.
“You-you, CNN, I told you not to make a scene multiple times throughout this trip, we were doing fine.”
“I still don’t understand why you wanted me to come.”
“Fine, since I can tell we won’t get anywhere.” Fox News didn’t make eye contact. “I just didn’t want to deal with my parents alone.”
“Wow, that’s really selfish of you.” CNN blurted out without thinking.
She immediately regretted it, because hurt flashed across Fox News’ face and god, CNN didn’t want to be the cause of that again.
“I guess it is.”
“Wait, wait wait wait, Fox News I didn’t mean—”
“—Yeah, you did, but it’s okay, I don’t care. We’re leaving tomorrow anyway, and then you can get a new roommate since that’s what you want.”
“We’re leaving.” Fox News said as soon as they went inside.
“Wait, what?”
“I don’t want to deal with my parents, so I’m going to drive home and never speak to my family ever again! And I doubt you want to be left here, especially since you can’t drive. So we’re leaving.”
“Tonight?” CNN said sceptically. “Isn’t that a bit rash?”
Fox News opened the door, calmly stating: “You don’t get to talk to me about ‘rational’. We’re leaving.”
They packed together in heavy silence. CNN was . . . thinking about what Fox News had said. CNN should’ve listened to her—and what’s more, she may very well have outed Fox News to a few family members, which was just generally awful of her. At least Fox News’ parent’s already—
No, CNN shouldn’t try to justify her actions in her mind. Fox News was right, CNN did need to work on considering other people before she acted. She needed to apologise.
. . . God, CNN had no idea how to apologise. What if it were too soon? Or what if she came off as patronising and Fox News hated her forever? Or worse, if Fox News became indifferent to her. because CNN was already weary of Fox News’ calm attitude; like she didn’t care.
Well, one could never know if they didn’t try?
“Hey, Fox News, I—oh, she left . . .” CNN trailed off. For a minute, CNN was afraid that Fox News had abandoned her completely, leaving her alone to deal with Fox News’ family. But CNN could hear her footsteps in the hall, and, well, she knew Fox News wouldn’t have done something like that.
Together, they loaded the car in silence.
CNN buckled her seatbelt as Fox News pulled up the GPS navigation, and the engine rumbled to life, protesting against the cold air.
“I’m not upset at you for standing up for me. I just wish you would’ve listened when I told you to stop.
A couple of hours later, Fox News pulled into the car park of a diner. “I’m going to get coffee,” she said, before closing the car door without any more input.
CNN slumped into her seat. Her phone was dead, as was her computer (because she wasn’t exactly preparing to drive all the way home on Christmas Eve). Her eyes wandered around the car. Light snow was falling onto the windshield, and CNN messed with the knobs of the radio a little to get to a Christmas station. Honestly, CNN had never been a big fan of Christmas music, but the melancholy feeling of the one playing suited the mood.
Fox News sat down, quietly handing CNN a hot chocolate.
Which was really thoughtful of her, since CNN’s caffeine tolerance was essentially nonexistent. It made CNN feel worse for screwing up her holidays.
I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
“Hey, so, about today,” CNN started, “oh god, I don’t know how to do this right. I’m . . . really sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it, and I spoke without thinking, and I’m sorry for going against what you said, I should’ve listened to you and I—I was wrong.”
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents by the tree
Fox News looked into her coffee, seemingly lost in thought. “You know, I’m really glad you said that. I’m not ready to forgive you yet, but . . . I will be. Thank you for apologising.”
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
And just like that, it was as if a huge weight was lifted off CNN’s chest.
“Hey, Fox News, can I kiss you? Y’know, to wrap up that fake dating facade?” CNN said, once again, without thinking. Goddammit, she just went over how she needed to think before speaking. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was late at night.
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
Without another word, Fox News placed her hands beneath the curve of CNN’s jaw and pulled CNN towards her so that their lips met.
Yes, I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams