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It was a long perilous day under the horrible, patriarchal rule of ed sheeran and his beloved husband lin manuel miranda. The sun burned bright against the surface of the Naboo lake. Ben Solo’s hairy ankles were dipped into the water, but it was beginning to be too hot.
Ben didn’t know if he could handle this anymore. His girlfriend Rey was becoming more breedable and submissive because of the influence of the patriarchy. He wasn’t even attracted to her at this point if she wasn’t going to be the dominatrix he signed up for.
“Hey, bestie!” Ben hears from behind him. Startled, he turns around to see his best friend since childhood, Grogu Djarin. No longer a small illiterate child, he had truly developed into a being of beauty, long, slender legs and broad green shoulders. Ever since his obsession with “getting swole” in their youngling years, firm muscles fell beneath his wrinkly green skin, and green ears held up his ray band sunglasses “Your face looks so extra right now,” he snickered, his large ears twitching with excitement.
“Sorry,” Ben mumbled abashedly. Grogu always was the outgoing one, and that left Ben feeling a little overwhelmed from time to time.
“Nah, man, it’s gucci,” Grogu said, sitting down next to him. “Anyway, how’s your jedi training going? Mine’s going hard!”
“Uh, fine,” Ben mumbled. What he didn’t tell Grogu was that he was secretly training to be a sith lord with Snoke in order to rescue Rey from the patriarchal rule of Ed and Lin. That and he was taking secret guitar classes that made his jedi training falter.
“Not you keeping secrets from me,” Grogu said, slapping a little green hand over his mouth. “Don’t you remember I can lowkey read your mind?”
“No, you can’t!” Ben said defensively, locking away his secrets before Grogu could see.
“Someone’s salty,” Grogu said, rolling his eyes.
“Anyway, Grogu, I have something to tell you,” Ben said, looking down. Normally he would not utter a single word about this, considering they were in a sexist, patriarchal society. But Grogu was his best friend. And who wouldn’t want a gay best friend?
“I’m… bisexual,” Ben finally said. Grogu’s beady little eyes widened.
“Yas kween slay!” Grogu exclaimed, flicking his wrist down. He lowered his voice. “Deadass, me too. I’m shook that you told me, though, homie.”
“I can’t date a man though because I’m dating Rey,” Ben said dejectedly.
“F,” Grogu said respectfully.
“Secretly a sith lord, you are!!” a croaky green voice said behind them.
“USHDYGBHUJHUA” Grogu said “Im finna pee my pants!”
“Yoda I am!” Yoda said. Ben rolled his eyes. For some reason, Yoda was obsessed with finding out whether Ben was a secret sith lord or something. I mean he was, but it was still incredibly rude.
“Technically I’m a sith lord in training,” Ben said without thinking because he was stupid.
“Ben’s head empty,” Grogu said, having no other response to the fact that his childhood best friend was secretly training to be sith.
Kriff, Ben thought, before whipping out his red, really ugly lightsaber. He designed it after his religion, Catholicism. “I am not Ben! I am Kylo Ren! Prepare to die!” he screamed really violently.
“GO OFF KING!!!” Grogu shrieked in support.
“To expose your secret, I do not wish,” Yoda croaked. Ben blinked stupidly, raising an eyebrow in skepticism.
“This time, at least not,” he said. “Defeat the evil patriarchy, we must. Lightsaber duel, we can after. Is ugly, even though your lightsaber is.”
“He’s got you read, lol” Grogu said.
“You have got to be kidding me” Ben said. “Fight me like a undergrown jedi frog! I’ve killed trash before, I can kill it again!”
Yoda started cussing because this day had been very strange. “Kriff! Dank ferrick! Karrablast!” He judo-flipped Grogu, who looked very taken aback. “Come with me, you must!”
“NOOOO IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!” Ben screamed.
“Wrong movie, that is,” Yoda said, rolling his eyes. “Sack him.”
Because Grogu has no loyalty whatsoever, he managed to stuff 6’2” Kylo Ren in a conveniently placed bag that Yoda must have been carrying around with him.
“Gogu hoe good yew!” he screamed from inside the sack. Grogu ignored him sheepishly.
“To the ship, we must go!” Yoda said cookily, wandering off with Grogu following him, carrying the sack of Ben over his shoulder.
When the three had arrived at the ship, Grogu tenderly placed the sack down. Finally, Ben had stopped twitching and just laid down to rest.
“Ben- I mean Kylo Ren has too much finesse to stay trapped,” Grogu said, looking at his dirty little fingernails. “We’re gonna have to highkey convince him of this cause.”
“Convinced you, I have?” Yoda asked, looking up at him.
“Boi, your drip alone convinced me,” Grogu said, smirking. “I do feel bad though, since Ben is a dzaddy. But now he can’t flex his epic force skills on me anymore since I was the one who managed to subdue him. Subdue, wow. What a big brain word. But did you see his lightsaber? That shit was fire.”
“Incomprehensible, you are,” Yoda said, shaking his head.
“Don’t smh me irl!” Grogu said sassily.
“The only one who can use slang, you think you are?” Yoda said, raising a nonexistent eyebrow. “Un-radical, that is.”
“Ok boomer,” Grogu said. “Cringe,” he muttered under his breath.
“Discuss our plans, we must,” Yoda said, redirecting this conversation because it seemed like it was out of control, almost like an imaginary force was laughing their ass off writing this conversation.
“Not to be a hypebeast, but we should wake up Ben,” Grogu said, pointing his unretractable thumb at Ben’s sleeping form.
“Right, you are,” Yoda said, and together they emptied Ben from the bag violently.
“OW!” Ben screeched. “Blow that piece of junk out of my eyes!”
“Wrong movie, again,” Yoda said, looking down at his (unlike Grogu’s) perfectly manicured fingernails.
“Bruh,” Grogu said.
“Give me one good reason not to kill you where you stand!” Ben said, igniting his lightsaber.
“Destroy the patriarchy, we are going to,” Yoda said. “On the same side, we are.”
Ben whined. He grumbled. But Grogu was doing the most adorable puppy eyes. “Fine. But if you stuff me in a sack one more time, there won’t be a side to be on!”
“Acceptable, these terms are,” Yoda agreed, putting his cane down.
Ben sat down, attempting to undo his ugly little rattail padawan braid since the secret that he was a sith was out. His hair flowed out beautifully, the raven strands blowing in his face from the movie style wind. Grogu was watching him shake his head dramatically, the dim glow of the ship shining in his dark eyes. He felt his cheeks redden, except it was probably dark green instead of red.
However, Ben looked very distressed at being caught by Yoda, so Grogu decided to comfort him.
But this is what came out of his mouth instead: “Yoda kidnappings happen every day, you don’t have to lose it.”
“Do they?” Ben asked incredulously.
“No, they don’t,” Grogu admitted. “You’d have to be a major poser to be kidnapped by Yoda.”
Ben grumbled. “Do you even like me?”
“Uh, no!” Grogu said, embarrassed. “Why would I like you? I’m not gay, well I am, but-”
Ben rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I meant, frog.”
“You’re hella cool, my guy, my fam, my man, my homie, my bestie-”
“Shut up, you dork,” Ben said, blushing slightly.
“Yeet skeet,” Grogu replied blandly since he was still stuck in 2018.
“Sit with you, can I?” Yoda asked, interrupting the thickest tension he had ever force-sensed.
“Whatever,” Ben groaned.
“Bet,” Grogu said.
“Survival rations, do you two want?” Yoda offered, handing them meat sticks. “Slap into a SlimJim, we must.”
Grogu immediately bit into his, swallowing it at an inhumanely fast rate. Ben was both frightened and impressed. “This is bussin,” the tall frog boy said.
Ben gnawed hesitantly on the meat stick. He wasn’t really eager to eat it, considering Grogu ate live frogs on a daily basis. He didn’t know what kind of meat this was, and frankly he was afraid to ask. Who knows, Yoda and Grogu might eat him next.
“Why are we on this ship anyway, shawty?” Grogu asked.
“To save Rey from the effects of the patriarchy,” Ben rushed to say.
Yoda smiled, his eyes twinkling. “Love Rey, you do?”
“Yes,” Ben said, “I know it’s forbidden for Jedi, but I’m training to be a Sith, remember?” He growled menacingly.
“Alright, it is,” Yoda sighed with resignation. “A man, I loved once…”
“Yoda, that does not pass the Jedi vibe check,” Grogu joked. Ben and Yoda just glared at him. “Not the time, sorry,” Grogu said. “Sheesh.”
“Harry Styles, his name was,” Yoda said, chewing on his meat stick. “Heard of him, have you?”
“OMG YES!!” Ben said, ripping off his shirt like he always does. Instead of his bare chest that nobody (except maybe Grogu) wanted to see, it revealed his One Direction T-shirt.
“Fit check!” Grogu said, pretending to tuck hair behind his ear.
“Him, that is,” Yoda said somberly. “What happened to him, do you know?”
Ben shook his head. “Only stories.”
“I kin Taylor Swift,” Grogu randomly said. No one acknowledged him.
“In the Vogue Magazine, Harry was,” Yoda continued gravely. “Wearing a beautiful dress, he was. Not like it, the patriarchy did. Took him away, Ed and Lin did.”
“Is he alive?” Ben asked anxiously.
“aND YOU CALL ME UP AGAIN JUST TO BREAK ME LIKE A PROMISE!” Grogu sang dramatically, “sO CASUALLY CRUEL IN THE NAME OF BEING HONEST!” Again, no one acknowledged this mistake of a being.
“Know, I do not,” Yoda said sadly, a tear trailing down his wrinkled little cheek.
“Aight Imma head out,” Grogu said, leaving the area, the tips of his two index fingers pressed against each other cutely.
“Thank you for telling me,” Ben said seriously, “I had… no idea.”
“Aren’t so different, maybe the jedi and sith,” Yoda said wisely.
Ben drifted off to sleep, dreaming of Grogu wearing a supreme shirt with an… undistinguishable jacket with the word drip on it several times. He was also wearing gold chains. He was also in the Oval Office for some reason. It was honestly quite a strange and random dream.
Abruptly waking up, he was surprised to see Grogu’s large body curled around him, arms wrapping around his waist softly, his chest moving up and down with every breath. Ben felt his face flush as his stomach fluttered around with nerves. Why was he feeling like this? He was supposed to be in love with Rey… But the truth was, ever since Rey was becoming more submissive and breedable, his feelings had faded too. He still valued her in his life and loved her a lot as a friend, but he felt his own affections towards Grogu begin to form. Grogu nestled his crusty lips on Ben’s clothed shoulder. Despite this uncomfortably (uncomfortable for the reader, not Ben and Grogu) close contact, Ben did not think the feelings were mutual. He sighed in sadness. He needed to let the thoughts drift away so he could continue on his quest to save Rey. She was all that mattered.
As he fell asleep again, his mind was black and dull, full of static and dread. The only sound was the sound Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran. It was terrifying.
In the morning, Ben was rudely awoken to the glorious sight of Grogu’s thunder thighs inside a dirty pair of uggs. To be honest, it was quite horrible, but of course Kyle Ron thought it was attractive.
“Are we almost here, bestie?” Grogu asked Yoda, who also was already awake.
“Almost,” Yoda replied, crossing his arms in his lap. “Breakfast, do you want?” He guestered to a pot full of unidentifiable meats.
Ben felt queasy and Grogu nodded excitedly. This was quite typical.
As Grogu was snarfing down his meat soup, he felt the need to comment, “Good soup.” Everyone ignored him as usual.
Ben went to the refresher, and looked in the mirror. He put on a messy bun.
“My old friend Y/N, you look like,” Yoda said, popping his head into the refresher.
“GO AWAY!” Ben screeched.
Soon the ship came to a stop.
“Here, we are!” Yoda exclaimed.
Ben nervously stepped near the ship door as it was opening. He felt nauseated- partly because of the journey ahead of them, but mainly because of the disgusting smell of the stew. The stew wasn’t the only difference between Grogu and Ben though… At the end of this journey, once they defeated Ed and Lin, Yoda was going to turn him in as a Sith. Grogu was a Jedi. This meant they wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore. He felt a singular tear fall down his cheek.
As the three set on their journey outside of the ship, they saw the tall building with the words LAUSD on them. Ben knew it instantly to be the horrendous patriarchy. What the hell was a lausd anyway? He would soon find out.
Ben felt Grogu grab his hand.
“I’m scared homie,” the tall green gremlin said.
“I am, too,” Ben whispered back. He pulled out a gift from his pocket that he had actually meant to give to Rey. It was in the shape of a small box. "Here, Grogu, I picked this out just for you.” That may have been a lie, but Ben thought it was more suiting that Grogu should have it now, considering Rey was nothing but a simple housewife now.
Grogu gently opened it to find a necklace, the words SOMEONE WORTH SOMETHING engraved on the locket.
“It’s dope! No cap!” Grogu cried, throwing his arms around Ben’s neck. Ben wondered if he should kiss him, but saw those crusty lips and decided against it. “All your gifts are such a vibe,” he gushed, “You really think I’m someone worth something?”
“Not much of a compliment, but yeah,” Ben shrugged.
Grogu kissed him. All at once fireworks exploded and Ben felt his eyes bulge out of his sockets.
“I know this is sus, but I think I’m in love with you,” Grogu said, “And idc if I’m just your sidepiece because I know you have the hots for Rey, but-”
“I told you, me and Rey are over,” Ben said, kinda dizzy. “I still want to rescue her though. How can you love me though… I’m a sith. You’re a jedi. We can’t be together.”
“Tea,” Grogu said. “Idk though, all I know is I stan you <3”
Somehow Ben heard the heart emoticon, and it filled his own real heart with love. “Okay. I… I love you too.”
“Stalling, stop!” Yoda yelled, several yards in front of them. They both looked at each other, blushing, and held hands as they ran towards the older gremlin.
As some time passed, a voice came in through the back of Ben’s head. It sounded like Rey.
“Guess what, Kyle? I’m NOT a girlboss!” her voice said tauntingly, sounding frighteningly breedable and submissive. Ben screamed out loud.
“Bae, you good?” Grogu’s voice felt so far away. Ben felt himself fall to the ground, clutching his knees.
Rey’s voice could no longer be heard. Now the only sound filling Ben’s ears was the main chorus of Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles.
Finally, the awful headache stopped and Ben felt his eyes open. He saw both Grogu and Yoda kneeled in front of him.
“You trippin?” Grogu asked. Ben ignored his question thoughtfully.
“You see, what did?” Yoda asked seriously.
“I heard Rey… She’s getting worse. And I heard…” He looked at Yoda hesitantly before he continued. “Harry Styles.”
Yoda’s beady eyes widened. “Styles Harry?”
Ben staunchly nodded, holding Grogu’s hand for support. “What could it mean, master Yoda?” Ben paused. He just called him master, which implied respect. Huh.
Yoda shook his head. “Clear, the future is not,” he stated, the slightest bit of a tear welling up in his round orbs.
“Let’s go on,” Ben said, getting up, striding forward.
However, he was stopped by an invisible force field. He fell back, falling conveniently into Grogu’s muscled arms.
A pair of cruel laughter was heard. One of them was British, Ben could just tell from spending a lot of time with Rey.
“Well, Tamatoa hasn’t always been this glam, I was a drab little crab once,” a really horrible voice started to sing.
“Babe, wrong entrance song.” This voice sounded less bad, but very British, so it was still a horrible thing to hear.
“Sorry.” The first voice started to sing again. “I see what’s happening here-”
“No, just… lemme do it.” The second voice sighed. “Girl you know I want your love-”
Two heavenly beings fell from the sky gracefully, their presence so bright and forbidding that Ben could only kneel. He turned to see Grogu and Yoda doing the same thing. Could this be-
“Hello, lads, I’m Mr. Ed Sheeran,” the British one said. Ben opened his eyes and gasped in horror. He was… a ginger?!?
“And I’m his husband, Lin Manuel Miranda,” the other man said, sporting a rather sharp goatee. “I wrote In the Heights and Hamilton, as you know, and played the main character in both.”
Ben wondered how that man could have ever gotten those roles with the voice he had.
“We know of your plan to take over the patriarchy,” Ed said sharply.
“You can’t do it,” Lin added, “the power of our combined mediocrity is too much for you to handle.” He pulled out a broadsword.
“Liiiiin,” Ed whined. “Can we just use male manipulation instead? It’s much easier.”
“Oh.” Lin looked disappointed.
“Fine, we can compromise, that’s what marriage is about, anyway.” Ed kissed Lin grossly. “You take out Yoda, I’ll get the teenagers.”
“Yeahhhhhh,” Lin said in excitement.
Ben whipped out his saber, the red glow pulsating. “I’m Kylo Ren! You can’t-”
Soon, a chorus of the Smiths, Wheezer, and Drake began to play. The sound caused Ben’s eyelids to flutter shut. The last thing he could hear was Ed Sheeran’s acoustic guitar and decent voice.
When he opened his eyes, everything was gone. Ed, Lin, Yoda. The patriarchy building with the LAUSD on it was in ruins, completely destroyed. Ben blinked. He missed a lot when he was passed out.
He stood up, igniting his lightsaber once again. “I’ve… done it?”
Suddenly, a familiar voice sounded in his head. “Kylo Ren… “ It was Snoke trying to reach out again. He opened his brain ears eagerly. “Come back… “
“I will,” Ben promised. Then he remembered. Grogu.
“Grogu!” he yelled, shutting off the connection with Snoke. “Where are you?” He looked around desperately. Nothing. He felt anger and tears well up inside him.
“Ben!” he heard. His ears immediately perked up.
“Grogu?”
“Ben!” A tall green figure ran towards him. Grogu jumped into Ben’s arms, which was quite hard considering Grogu was quite tall, and threw his arms around Ben’s neck.
“I was so worried,” he cried. “Yoda got killed but… we managed to fight Ed and Lin off together. You passed out though, so I was looking around for help.”
Ben sunk his head into Grogu’s shoulder. “Yoda’s… dead?”
“Yeah…” Grogu sounded sad. “I guess that means I’ll leave with you.”
“What?”
“I’ll stop being a Jedi and join the Sith with you,” Grogu said fiercely. He kissed Ben’s greasy ass hair.
“But why? You’re a Jedi, you have been since you were born,” Ben said, confused.
“Because,” Grogu looked into Ben’s eyes, cradling his face. “I… I love you.”
Ben narrowed his eyes. “You’re not Grogu!” He sunk his lightsaber into Grogu’s gut, hoping he hadn’t made a mistake otherwise that would mess up the climax of this story.
Grogu’s eyes widened, nearly popping out of their sockets. The world around them faded, and Grogu was replaced with Ed Sheeran, a lightsaber stuck in his abdomen. The building was still intact, and Lin Manuel Miranda and Yoda were still sparring.
“H-how did you know,” he hissed, blood spurting out as Ben ripped the saber out. “W-was it because he would never leave the Jedi?”
“No,” Ben said fiercely, “it’s because he didn’t say ‘I stan you.’” Only the real Grogu would say that, Ben knew. “I’m Kylo Ren, you can’t use male manipulation against me, because I AM the male manipulator!”
“NoOOOOOOOoooOO!” Ed shrieked. This caused Lin to stop fighting in surprise, which Yoda took advantage of and stuck the lightsaber in his heart.
Grogu ran up to Ben, hugging him as Yoda followed closely behind. “Omg we did it! We are so poggers!”
Ben smiled. It was nice to have the real Grogu back.
“Go into the building, shall we?” Yoda asked, looking unfazed that he had just killed a man. Maybe he and Ben had more in common than he originally thought.
They both nodded, entering inside.
After walking around the halls for a while, Ben almost decided to give up looking for Rey. They came across a door labeled, “In prison for vehicular manslaughter.” Ben figured Rey would probably be in there, so he opened it up, Yoda and Grogu by his side.
“‘Ello?” Another British voice asked. It sounded a lot kinder than Ed’s though.
“HARRY STYLES!” all three of them responded. Indeed it was.
“Yoda!” Harry cried, running up to his little minion and kissing him everywhere.
“Missed you, I have!” Yoda said, tears falling down his wrinkled old face. Ben realized that must have been what the Watermelon Sugar dream was fortelling.
“I’m sorry, sir, I’m your biggest fan,” Ben said, “I have a question.”
“Anything,” Harry said smiling. “You helped me reunite with my love after all.”
“When is One Direction getting back together?” At Yoda’s stern look, Ben sheepishly grinned. “Sorry, never mind. I meant, do you know where Rey Skywalker is?”
“Ah, yes, of course. She’s in this cell with me. Hold on. Taylor!”
Ben and Grogu walked nervously into the cell, slowly.
“If Rey is back to normal again, does that mean our vibe is over?” Grogu asked.
Ben squeezed his hand. “No, I promise. Grogu, you just… hit different.” A big grin broke out on the gremlin’s face.
As the two approached the back of the cell, they heard soft sighs and grunting. They both widened their eyes when they saw Rey and Taylor Swift making out.
“Oh, hi guys,” Taylor said, breaking apart and noticing the two first.
“Hi, Ben…” Rey looked embarrassed.
“No worries, I’m with Grogu now anyway,” Ben said, smiling.
Rey nodded. “After I regained my girlboss back, I became so girlboss I became lesbian.”
“Word,” Grogu chirped.
“Guys, can I join the make-out sesh?” a small voice asked, belonging to a girl walking into view. She was short with dark hair.
“Of course!” Taylor responded cheerily. She began to kiss the girl.
“This is my other girlfriend, Rose,” Rey said, before joining in on the kissing.
Ben and Grogu dragged the sapphic polycule out of the cell.
“So, now that that patriarchy is dead, what’s gonna happen now?” Ben asked, looking into Grogu’s lucious orbs.
Grogu shrugged. “IDK. But I stan you bae.”
Ben smiled. “I love you, too.” A lightbulb went off in his head. “Oh my god! I have it! You can create a democracy and be the president!”
Grogu looked excited. “Bet! A U.S. democracy!”
“What does U.S. stand for?”
Grogu smirked. “Ugg’s Society. It’ll be swag, I’ll wear supreme.”
“I had a dream of you standing in the Oval Office! This makes so much sense!” Ben said.
“Periodt.”