Archive of Our Own

"This is what I had to stoop to," Zim said with disgust, hiding in the bushes as he looked at the front door of his target, "I have to use one of Skoodge's stupid plans to get rid of a pain in my Patookie!"

"Zim, you know I can hear you, right? I'm hiding in the trash can because you said there wasn't enough room in the bushes?" Skoodge said, "Also, language! Just because you're annoyed with a human, doesn't mean you get to drop the P-Bomb."

"Blah blah blah, just because you conquered Blorch, doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do Skoodge!" Zim snarled, "You just got lucky! Earth is far more difficult to invade! Humans may be stupid but they're dangerously stupid! You've seen how many times they've nearly caused their own extinction! How am I suppose to destroy these primitive hairless monkeys if each week they keep almost doing my job for me! That's not the Invader's way… I'M the one who is going to cause the end of humanity! No one else!"

"And you're causing their doom one human at a time?" Skoodge asked with a raised antenna, "Doesn't that seem time consuming to you?"

"SILENCE!" Zim snarled, "We're not here because I plan on killing one human, we're here because I want one manifestation of pure annoyance to be destroyed and out of my fucking life!"

Skoodge sat quietly.

"Seriously?!" Zim snapped, "I just dropped the F-Bomb and you stay quiet, Skoodge?!"

"I'm not used to human swearing, Zim," the other Irken shrugged, "So I don't know what the F word means."

"Que Pendejo," Zim swore in Spanish so his companion wouldn't understand, "It means Kucf."

That's when Skoodge gasped. "Language!"

"Be quiet!" Zim ordered, "Your stupid plan is coming into effect! For your sake, it better work!"

GIR flew down in front of house, giggling insanely as he got a bunch of salted nuts from his head and dropped them on the ground.

"SALTED NUTS!" The disguised SIR Unit yelled out, before using his own head to crack open a nut and eat it vigorously.

"GIR!" Zim bellowed angrily as he jumped from his hiding place undisguised, "Knock on the damn door and then fly back to the base before anyone suspects anything! I will not allow you to ruin our ingenious cover!"

Two Girly Rangers walked by, looking at the Irken in sheer horror.

"Excuse me, mister," the blue-dressed girl said, "But are you an alien?"

That's when Skoodge took action, and he jumped out of the garbage can. He was also undisguised, the trash can lid still on his head, flies swarming all over him and the smell was so strong that both girls and Zim took a step back, covering their noses.

"NOPE! Nope! We're definitely not aliens!" the Invader denied, "We're uh… malfunctioning lawn ornaments?"

"That would explain why they're in the trash," the second Girly Ranger said, "Let's go before we faint from the smell."

"Hang on," her friend said, "Would you two lawn ornaments want to buy some cookies?"

"Oh no!" Zim snarled. "I'm not going through that again! GIR! Cookies!"

"YAAAAAAAAAY!"

"OH NO! It's that crazy green dog!" One of the girls exclaimed, "Keep it away from our cookies! Or else it'll get huge and fart all over the city!"

"RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!"

Both Girly Rangers ran away as far as their legs would allow them, with GIR going after them.

"Wait! Come back! I need stuff!"

"If you want something done right, you need to do it by your amazing self," Zim said, aggravated, before he goose-walked to the front door and pounded on the door before jumping back to the bushes and kicking Skoodge back into the trash can.

That's when the front door opened.

"HELLO WORLD!" Keef greeted, "Did anyone came to see me?"

A pigeon popped on his shirt.

"Hi, mister pigeon!" the redhead waved enthusiastically, "I'm going to name you Zim!"

"Naming an inferior Earth creature after me?! How insulting!" Zim growled, as his left eye began to twitch uncontrollably, "Now he must suffer a double death!"

"Oooh, salted nuts!" Keef said, obliviously happy as he began to eat the trail of delicious treats, walking further and further away from his neighborhood and towards the city.

Both Zim and Skoodge got out of their hiding places, the latter looking quite pleased with himself and how his plan seemed to be working.

"I don't like you," the Defective sneered, "You stink."

"I don't stink Zim, I smell, there's a difference."

"You still stink," Zim said in disgust, "Difference, my glorious, green Patookie!"

"Language!"

"Bite me!"

"I don't like that Zim has been dating the Gaz-Human," Skoodge thought, "It makes him a lot more hostile."

As Keef kept eating the trail of salted nuts, he was unaware that he was being followed by two aliens in the Voot Cruiser.

"Did you have to make this stupid trail so long?!" Zim complained, "I have better things to do than following the Keef pest!"

"I had to make sure he would be as far away from other humans as possible," Skoodge explained, "Otherwise someone would try to save his life."

"We're doing the universe a favor!" Zim growled, "Humans don't care about their species, they take joy when people they don't like die… Stupid creatures, can't imagine anyone wanting the amazing Zim dead!"

Skoodge, to his credit, stayed quiet, but was sweating anime style.

"Oh, end of the line!"

Keef was so distracted by the salted nuts that he failed to notice that he kept walking towards an open manhole.

"Oh, these were delicious!" he said, "But I'm full, I don't think I can have another bite, I better start heading home."

"Oh no you don't!" Zim snarled, "You die today!"

The aggravated Irken pressed a button on the control panel and a tractor beam came from a hatch on the side of the cruiser and took a hold of Keef. The young boy was clueless as to what was going on, but was still having the time of his life as the beam flew him around.

"WEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Don't enjoy it, damn it!" the Defective yelled out, "I'm trying to destroy you!"

When Keef was finally above the manhole, that's when Zim turned off the tractor beam, which of course resulted in the redhead annoyance falling into the sewer.

"FINALLY!" Zim bellowed, "My ingenious plan is coming to fruition!"

Skoodge was about to point out it wasn't his plan, but simply sighed tiredly.

Meanwhile, in the manhole, Keef was still happy despite falling into the sewer and breaking a leg.

"I knew Zim would give a surprise one of these days!" the boy said, smiling like an idiot, "Thanks buddy!"

He, of course, failed to notice that he wasn't exactly alone, since he had gotten the attention of two alligators who were resting in their living room; one was knitting a sweater and the other was watching TV.

"I'm going to grab a quick bite," Jerome said, getting up from his seat, "Want anything dear?"

"Nah, I'm still full from last week's cruise."

"Okay then, be right back."

Jerome walked towards where Keef was crawling to the metallic ladder under the manhole. The boy smiled obliviously at the hungry alligator, unaware of his impending doom.

"HI!" he greeted, "I'm Keef! Wanna be friends?"

"I would rather have lunch," Jerome said.

"Great! What are we having?"

"You."

That's when the alligator pounced on Keef and began to tear the poor boy to shreds, blood going everywhere. All the while, Zim and Skoodge watched from above as the carnage took place. Well, Zim was gleefully watching as the thorn in his side was getting eaten alive, while Skoodge covered his eyes in sheer terror.

"Oh my… Tallest!" the overweight Irken cried out, "I'm getting a Hogulus flashback!"

"Eat his head! HIS HEAD!" Zim ordered, "NO! Don't throw it out!"

After several minutes, Jerome finished with his meal and walked back to his living room, letting out a loud burp that signified he was pleased with his meal.

"Oh! Jerome!" his wife admonished with disgust.

It wasn't long that Zim began laughing evilly.

"FINALLY!" he cheered, "The human is gone from my life! Maybe now I can get some peace and quiet while I scheme taking over this horrible planet! I'm glad I thought of this ingenious plan!"

"Oh, I don't feel so good," the alligator said, feeling nauseous.

"Jerome?" his wife said worriedly, "What's going on with you?"

"I think there was something weird in that human I just ate," he replied, "My stomach hurts."

As if a bad omen of what was about to happen, Jerome's stomach began making weird noises and grow in size, to the confusion/horror of the Irkens and the female alligator. Almost as if Jerome knew his end was near, he let out a roar of sheer agony as his stomach grew three times its size.

It was then that a horrible creature bursts out of the alligator's belly, leading the spectators to scream in terror.

"It's okay, everybody. I'm alright!"

Keef, in the process of being digested, had inexplicably somehow been able to regenerate within the belly of the best. Not only that, he was somehow able to go through the flesh with his bare hands.

"How the fuck is this even possible?" Zim exploded, "Why… Won't… You… DIE?!"

"Hi there buddy!" The boy covered in blood waved at his 'best friend'.

"Jerome! JEROME!" the now widowed alligator cried in despair, "I told you eating garbage would kill you one day!"

"Wanna be friends?" Keef asked the grieving reptile. Her only response was to bite his head off and spit it out.

"Well, maybe this time he'll stay dead?" Skoodge asked hopefully, "Right?"

"Wait for it…" Zim growled tiredly, "In three… Two… One."

He pointed behind his companion, where Keef suddenly magically materialized.

"That was the best day ever!" the redhead cheered, "I got to see my grandma! She told me to beat it!"

Skoodge did a double take, looking between the spot in the sewage where he just saw the human's bloody corpse to staring back at the human now on the street who didn't seem to have a scratch on him.

"But… I… We… How did?"

"I told you he was a manifestation of sheer annoyance," Zim hissed, "He just won't die… Doesn't mean I won't stop trying."

With that being said, the Irken grabbed Keef by the neck, threw him into a dumpster and rolled it down into incoming traffic.

"Weeeeeeeee!"

"That human creeps me out," Skoodge shuddered, "I think a day with the Slaughtering Rat People is far less scary."

"I should have known your plan was doomed to fail," Zim growled before he kicked the other Irken into the manhole.

"Ahhh!" Skoodge yelled as he rolled into the vengeful alligator, who eyed him with hungry eyes and a grin full of sharp teeth. The short Invader began running away from the reptile, screaming in terror.

"I'm having another Hogulus flashback! WHY?"