Archive of Our Own ^beta

Yugyeom remembered fragments. 

He wasn’t expecting to remember much, there was too much adrenaline pumping through his veins for him to be able to focus on remembering things but this was the first time he was shot. He didn’t know what the standard for memory was after being shot. He had been in shootings before and those he remembered very clearly – if only because he had to write up a report about those later, but this was the first time he was shot .

This was entirely new territory for him.

He remembered the blood, though. That was something that would be hard to forget. He remembered it warm and flowing down the back of his favourite white shirt – oh! He was wearing a white shirt! 

That was one of the first things that went through his mind. He was wearing his favourite white shirt – a present from his mother. No specific reason, she had said, just wanted to get her favourite boy a present – and don’t tell your brother!

His brother knew and didn’t really care – they weren’t kids anymore. Just as he knew that there was a specific reason that she gave him the shirt – he didn’t wear shirts enough. Compared to his brother who worked in corporate, rookie detective Yugyeom didn’t wear shirts enough and didn’t look smart enough so his mom decided that the one way to get him to wear more shirts was by gifting it to him. 

Yugyeom liked it when his mom gave him gifts. It made him happy. It made him feel young again, like a kid at Christmas. 

So getting blood on this shirt was not something he was particularly fond of. Well, there really wasn’t anything about getting shot that he could be fond of. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. It sent his body into overdrive – or at least what he thought was overdrive. He wasn’t really present in himself at that moment, he was more worried about you. 

Oh, that’s right . You were the reason he got shot!

Wait, no, that wasn’t it. He got shot because he was trying to save you. That was it. The gunman had come out of nowhere, and was Jaebeom hyung lunging towards him? Yes! Yes, he was! And that was why the bullet strayed! 

The bullet was not meant for Yugyeom, or you for that matter, it was meant for Jinyoung hyung. The expert negotiator that had led all of you into this situation in the first place. See, the thing was, Jinyoung hyung was actually an idiot. No one ever said it to his face because then they would get that death glare of his, those empty dark eyes that were like dark holes, but everyone knew it. 

He knew it. 

You knew it. 

Hell, even Jaebeom hyung knew it – but that was to be expected since they were practically married. There were times he wondered if it bothered their girlfriends but he didn’t ask. He couldn’t. Who was he to criticise the state of their relationship when he couldn’t bring himself to confess to you. 

He was planning on confessing to you that day. He remembered that too. Earlier that day, he had gotten a very encouraging pep talk from Bambam, which was essentially just him saying that they would start to leave him out of plans that they made if he didn’t confess to you and invite you to come along – because she’s the fun one – even Mark hyung had told him to confess. 

“The thrill of a crush is the confession,” Mark hyung had said. It was total bullshit, they all just wanted him to confess so they could tease him out in the open about it. But at this point, he had decided, fuck it .

Now or never, right? 

Turns out, it would very much likely be the latter. Because every time he went up to your desk, that day, you would look up at him with a bright smile and his brain had gone fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and shut down. More than once, Jinyoung hyung had caught him standing around your desk, wordless. Granted, he saved Yugyeom from the embarrassment by giving him menial tasks, but that didn’t make Jinyoung hyung less of an idiot, especially not in his eyes.

Especially not when he remembered the horror in your eyes when you had realised he was shot. 

Oh , you looked so scared. 

That led to the second thought that went through his head – relief. You were scared, but you weren’t frozen in shock, you weren’t moving – ok, no you were moving but that was because he was shot. He had lost control of his body and was falling forward – on top of you. 

He wished he didn’t remember this part. This part was not nice, it didn’t add anything to the report he would have to write later on – if anything, this part would only make the eventual counselling sessions he would have to go into dwell into much deeper topics that he would rather not discuss with the state hired counsellor for the police department. Those sessions were only to check if he was ready for duty again and hence had no reason to dwell into any of the more serious demons that haunted him.

But he did remember this part and your eyes would become one such demon to haunt him. The pure unadulterated fear . The unrestrained and rampant panic. 

“Yugyeom!”

And your voice. No, no, these were not what he was trying to remember. He didn’t want to remember your voice, it broke his heart – he would much rather get shot. 

Haha. 

He liked that. He could now use that joke and annoy the shit out of Bambam. Bambam hadn’t gotten shot, Yugyeom could use that excuse to make Bambam do shit for him. He could even make Bambam confess on his behalf. After all, his best friend had just gotten shot – couldn’t he do just that much for Yugyeom? 

“No, no no, no, Yugy-”

There it came again. Your voice. Haunting him. A flash of your eyes once more. That was all. That was all he could remember because he couldn’t feel his body as it fell atop yours. It was just dead weight – something that he would very likely become. But that wasn’t what was worrying him, what was worrying him was you. 

It was always you that worried him. All the stupid reckless decisions you made, all the fights you picked that you really didn’t need to – and following Jinyoung hyung! Oh, that really worried him. See, Jinyoung hyung was an idiot – wait no, he had already covered this. 

Oh shit, he realised. He’s going in circles. But he couldn’t go forward, if he went forward, all he could think of was you and your tears, the way you sobbed, holding his face and telling him to stay with you, stay with me, Yugyeom please, oh God, don’t close – don’t close your eyes!

He did close his eyes. He remembered smiling. He remembered his last words to you. 

“Fuck….I think I’m in love with you…”

“Fuck….I think I’m in love with you…”

Yugyeom knew how to nail down famous last words. 

You had to give him that. 

Of course, you were praying that those weren’t his last words because there was no way you could live with it if they were. There was no way you could live if he died today and as his body fell atop yours, heavy, limp, lifele – 

You were praying those weren’t his last words. Sobbing, crying, begging . If ever you believed in a God, it would be now. If ever you had any kind of faith, it would be now, and the hours to come when you would sit in front of the operating theatre wordlessly. 

There was a point at which you had shut down but you weren’t sure when. You were crying when they took his body off of yours, that much you knew. The paramedics were chattering away, their medical jargon going above your head and all you could think of was how warm his blood was. 

Yugyeom was always a warm person to be around, and his blood was even warmer. 

His blood that stained your hands, his shirt – oh , his white shirt that he loved so much. His mother gave it to him, he had told you very proudly earlier that day. It was a good fit on him, highlighting every aspect of his body that made yours grow warm in reaction to it. 

You were crying when Jinyoung put his arms around you. He told you that Yugyeom is gonna be fine but he didn’t sound too sure either. If you were able to see past the tears, maybe you would have noticed the unmasked fear in his eyes. There was no attempt to hide the fear either – Jinyoung couldn’t. He was shaking too. 

It wasn’t the first time he had seen someone get shot, in fact, it wasn’t the first time he had seen someone on his own team get shot either. But that someone was not supposed to be Yugyeom. That bullet….that bullet was meant for Jinyoung. Bless Jaebeom but that bullet was for Jinyoung . 

And Yugyeom , the bright little kid from around the corner who used to always come around to play with his Jirongie hyungie , the kid who became a cop because Jinyoung wanted to be a cop – Detective Kim Yugyeom who was the bottom of his class but never stopped working, never stopped striving, never stopped was the one who got Jinyoung’s bullet. 

He became numb before you did. 

His words were just words as they left his lips, they had no meaning. They entered your ears as noise and weren’t registered as anything but. 

“Jinyoung!” 

Who was it? 

“Y/n!” 

Jaebeom probably. 

“ – the hospital, lets g – ”

Or Mark. They were on the scene too so it had to be one of them. You weren’t able to tell, gasping for air took enough of your energy and whatever remained was used to get your body to move. You didn’t know where you were going. 

There were hands guiding you, pulling you at times, pushing you at times. There were voices, asking you things, telling you things. 

You answered none.

The surgery lasted somewhere between two hours to twelve years. There was no telling how long he was in the operating theatre but you stood right outside the entire time. Someone came to ask questions – majority of it was answered by Jaebeom. Jinyoung offered some answers. You tried too – you had to, you were an officer of the law too – but not to much success. 

The only thing that was in your mind was his goddamn smile. 

“He said he thought he was in love with me,” you told the man asking questions, not meeting his eyes and heard an exasperated sigh. “And then he passed out.” 

Mark smoothed things over. Mark could always be relied upon to smooth things over. He was a smooth talker. You heard him fumble over his words and curse a couple of times at the straight-faced man who didn’t seem to take Mark’s one of our best might be dead, can this fucking wait as a proper answer. 

So maybe Mark wasn’t a smooth enough talker. 

And you didn’t appreciate that he was using that word. Yugyeom passed out. Blood loss makes you pass out, Yugyeom just passed out . 

His mother and brother came shortly. You knew you had to go comfort them, but you also couldn’t move. She cried on your shoulder and you held her hand. His brother asked nervously if you were okay and Mark told him you were not. 

Apparently, you were treated when you were waiting on Yugyeom. You didn’t really remember that. Must’ve been some of the hands that led you and questions you were asked on the way. It was a hospital, there were a dozen men and women in white coats and a dozen more in scrubs. You paid no attention to them because they weren’t Yugyeom’s doctor. That was the only one that you were waiting on. 

And when she came, you found yourself up on your feet before she even came up to you. Still holding onto Yugyeom’s mother’s hands, you looked at the doctor with expectant eyes, already repeating in your head what she had to say, the only thing she was allowed to say. 

He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay, he’s –

“He’s stable.” 

You were able to breathe again. 

Yugyeom remembered why he wanted to be a policeman. It was partly because he was six and Jinyoung hyung said he was going to be a policeman and Jinyoung hyung knew everything . But as he grew older, he grew older he realised two things. 

First was that he had a big heart. He could give and give and give to and never be satisfied. And one job that demanded, that took and took and took, then took some more was that of a policeman. He had little to give, but he was ready to give all of it and then scrounge up and give some more. 

The second was that chicks dig men in a uniform. That was something he learnt from Bambam, first year of high school. Bambam had a brother in the army – or was it navy? – whom he admired more than Icarus did the sun. 

And just as his admiration of the sun was Icarus’s undoing, Yugyeom’s would be becoming a cop. He didn’t regret it – not for a moment – and he would run back to it the minute he came to. It was in his blood, this was what he was made for. 

When he came to, he didn’t realise how bad his condition was. Sure, he got shot, lost some blood, passed out – but he didn’t truly feel the pain of the gunshot. Oh, it hurt like a motherfucker, but it didn’t hurt at the same time. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, there was no time to feel the pain. 

But when his eyes fluttered open, slowly, he realised gunshots fucking hurt . This was not fun. The pain was… everywhere and nowhere. There were tubes, bandages – all things Yugyeom absolutely despised. He had to keep reminding himself of why he became a cop, why he was doing what he did and why he had to go back. 

The second thought he had was of you . 

It was automatic, it kind of embarrassed him. He knew that none of his friends would let him live if they knew this – but it wasn’t like they were letting him live even now, so what did it matter? 

He wondered if you were okay. He wondered if you had gotten hurt. He wondered when you had stopped crying.

He got all his answers when he looked at the chair by the side of his bed. 

Yugyeom wasn’t looking for you – in fact, he didn’t even know if you would be there. He didn’t think you would be there. His mom, sure. His brother, maybe. Jinyoung hyung, a stretch but perhaps. 

But you?

Not you. Never you. 

Part of it was because he had hoped you would be at home, rested, recovering from the shooting. He knew that took a toll on you and he couldn’t imagine how much it would affect you to have his body fall atop yours like that. 

Bleeding to death. 

On top of your crush. 

How embarrassing. 

Part of it was also because he didn’t want to see you. He wasn’t sure why exactly, but he thought he would combust if he saw you, when he was lying immobilised in bed with a gaping hole where the bullet had gone. 

So it was a gaping hole, but you couldn’t really blame Yugyeom for being dramatic. He did get shot. 

You were sitting in the sun. That was probably the funniest thing to him. Fast asleep, head hanging from your neck like a fishing line, you sat at the bedside chair, unmoving as the sun shone in all its might. The blinds were open and you were going to get a bad tan. 

But you looked cute. 

You looked absolutely adorable and most importantly, you looked healthy . For someone who had been involved in a shooting, that really was the best you could ask for. After all, the alternative was the position he was in.

Or, God forbid, six feet under. 

It was almost as if you realised he had woken up. Like a cat, you stirred in your position and started to stretch – all the while Yugyeom watched you with an open-mouthed smile on his face. Oh, his throat hurt. He needed water. But he couldn’t stop smiling at you regardless. 

How relieved he was that you were okay. 

How happy he was that you were here. 

It took you a minute. Your eyes settled on him for a moment and the corners of your lips started to rise fondly. Yugyeom’s heart started to beat faster – and the monitor that he was hooked up to caught it. That was what made you realise he was awake. Your eyes met his and widened, immediately jumping up to your feet. 

Yugyeom wasn’t sure if it was his struggle pointing at the glass or his weak mouthing of the word water that made you move but you got his message and was quick to get him the water he needed. You had to call the nurse, both of you knew that but there was also something that stopped you. 

You watched over him anxiously, helping him drink the glass of water and then stood back, watching a goofy smile take over his lips. 

“You look terrible!” were his first words to you, and it took you a moment for his words to sink in. and when they did, your eyes started to water.

The fucker, thinking he could be all cheesy and shit, he really – 

Immediately, panic washed over his face as you squeezed your eyes shut. 

“You asshole! ” your voice escaped as a hushed whisper. “You absolute dickwad!”

“I – I don’t even know – ”

“You don’t do that to someone!” you opened your eyes, furiously glaring at him. “You don’t just say that to someone while you bleed out on them! ”

Yugyeom was confused for a moment, but then, to your annoyance, he started to laugh . Only a few chuckles escaped though, until he stopped because his body hurt and your annoyance turned to worry. You leaned over, not really sure what you were doing, just to help him find a more comfortable position. You didn’t realise how close you were to him until his breath lingered on your skin. 

Warm.

Like his blood had been. 

It took less than an instant for you to move away and Yugyeom realised why. He gave you a warm smile, a somewhat sorry smile. 

“Well, the alternative was you getting shot,” he told you, voice now a little pained. Your breath got caught in your throat listening to him. You knew you had to call the nurse, but there was something… “There’s no way I was gonna let that happen.”

“Still!” you found your annoyance again. But if you were really being honest, it wasn’t annoyance. It was relief, it was solace that was misdirected because you didn’t know how to handle emotions. 

Evidently, neither did Yugyeom unless he was bleeding out – hanging between life and death. 

“You don’t do that to someone.” you insisted, now feeling more conscious about how Yugyeom watched you. It was intently, attentively, almost.... lovingly . Your stomach started doing flip flops. “Not in a situation like that.”

“I mean it though,”

“You thought you were dying, Yugy – ”

“I still mean it,” he said, a determination in his eyes that you’d never before seen. Your body grew warmer as if in reaction to that. “I’m not dying right now .”

Your natural instinct was to argue with him again. Not because you didn’t believe him, but letting him say that gave him power over you. Not refuting his it gave him a power – and that made you squeamish. 

But the thing about power was that it worked both ways. 

“Then say it again,” you challenged and Yugyeom smiled at you.

“I love you,” he said without missing a beat. You were left with your mouth agape as he laughed delighted. “I’m in love with you!”

And then cringed in pain. 

It was the painkillers, you decided, as you tried to help him again. You had to call a nurse, you had –

“Your turn,” he said with a smile catching your wrist in his hand. His grip was weak. You could have broken away. You didn’t. 

“What?”

“Say it.”

He was challenging you, Kim Yugyeom was. Bedridden, having just woken up from a surgery that took bullet fragments out of his body, Kim Yugyeom was challenging you. For a moment, you thought to throw that challenge aside with one of your own – the usual game that the two of you played but you found that you couldn’t. 

Not this time. 

Not when he looked at you like that. 

He did look at you lovingly. He looked at you with eyes filled with love. Anyone could see it – you wondered how you had missed that for so long. How you had gone all this while thinking you were alone in your affection. 

You weren’t. 

It took a bullet and a near-death experience to confirm it, but you weren’t. 

“I think I’m in love with you too, Kim Yugyeom.”