Work Text:
Dear Eiji,
It’s me, Ash.
I’m writng this in the library. It’s pouring out there, kinda makes me shiver a bit. Crazy because I could swear I felt the blinding light shining on my skin just a few moments earlier.
Thanks for the letter and the ticket. And sorry for not seeing you off, I really wanted to, believe me, but I can’t. It just hurts just by imagining you, standing at the airport, still delicate and beautiful even after the living hell I made you come through while you were staying at this goddamn country, ready to fly away from my sight. Fucking hell, I don’t even know what you looked like that moment. My heart ached to come there, to see you with my own two eyes and tell you what’s been storing inside me for too long, to embrace you and feel the warmth radiating from your body. I wanted… a lot of things, but my legs couldn’t be lifted off the ground.
I thought that it would be really unfair if I tried to take you away from the world you belonged to, the place that isn’t deafening with the sound of bullets dropping and stained with pools of blood. I just want the better for you, oh God, you deserve only the best things in this hellhole of a life. These badlands on which I’m standing isn’t what you should come near to.
Especially with a guy like me, you should just try to stay away from me as far as possible. I’m a twisted devil that already drowned in others’ bloodbath, even yours included. Some dropped on your letter, but luckily it wasn’t ruined much. I’ve read every word written by you and all of them touched the deepest parts inside my heart.
It’s true that we’re too different, but comparing to those who would want to run away right the moment they realize what kind of monster I am, you still didn’t hesitate to come over and come right into my guarded heart. You saw the child trapped in there, the child that I have long forgotten he even existed inside this broken frame, woke him up and caressed him with the lightest touch. Eiji Okumura, why aren’t you scared? Someone like you should’ve been so terrified and tried to escape from me.
Why do you still decided to stay by my side and hug me, over and over?
You’re funny sometimes. I’m a mafia boss feared by many, yet you still see me as some young boy that needs protection. I was engraved by you with the taste of the shrimp salad you made for me (and those smelly nattos), tender hands carefully wrapped the bandage over my bleeding wounds, arms open wide welcomed both me and all the burn sharp like broken glasses even when they could cut you deep to fleshes. Shit, I’m so sorry for making you suffer this pain with me.
I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in any kind of miracles, if those really existed I wouldn’t have gone down the path I’m walking on. But then, He decided to give you to me, like a salvation. The supposed to be dead silent heartbeat, one I’m not aware of still having, finally started to dance when it finally got to feel the ray of sunlight coming in. To the point that time when I thought that I would have to lose you forever, I prayed to God like some stupid angel and begged him to return you back to this world, to return you back to me. My wish was accepted, gladly. I kinda think that it’s time everything returned to the old orbit it’s been circling in. In order to do that, you need to go back. It’s our inevitable fate.
But you’re really a stubborn motherfucker who doesn’t know when to give up. Having to leave yet you still didn’t forget to turn your head around and reach out your hand to me. You told me to follow you to where smiles or happiness doesn’t really seem much like a luxury anymore. Until the end, you still wanted to save me. Fate is something that all would surrender to, but you firmly believe that you, wait, no, we, have the ability to change it.
The moment I saw the ticket, I thought it was a pair of wings that were gonna take me to a new promised land.
I know I chose not to come see you for the last time, and it really feels stupid saying this, but my legs stood up right before I could even help it. Eiji, I want to go, I want to keep on living so bad, especially if that life is with you. I rushed out like a fucking idiot just to fall right into the trap that destiny had planned out for me. It teared me down and caged me in, I’m sorry, I couldn’t head myself to the direction of the airport like I intended to anymore. I turned to the library instead. You know, the place I usually come to when I need some break away from all the voices trying to let out the most high pitched shout inside my brain. When sitting there, I’m no longer surrounded by any battles and wars. It’s just humans, knowledge, and me.
You once told me that I looked so lonely in that enormous building.
I mean, it’s true, I’m lonely, inside that library or not, trusthworthy buddies around or not, my soul was and always has been abandoned in this forsaken world. I’ve accepted it as a simple truth long before I’d got to meet you. Admit it or not, you’ve imprinted your marks on me and changed everything. Just like you said, Eiji. I’m no longer the lone wolf, because your soul is with me now. Even if we’re on two polar opposites of the earth, even if the sky falls down, you will still be here and we’ll never have to say “sayonara” to each other. Our heartbeats sync perfectly as one, since I loved, and was loved so dearly.
I love you, Eiji. I love you so fucking much it hurts. I never want to part ways with you. Now that we’ve settled in two different horizons, I would still never say goodbye. I can rest easy knowing our spirits would be inseparable even when I have to be transplanted to another world. I’m always with you and it’ll stay that way forever. No more losing each other to the hands of fate again, never.
See you in a sunny day.
Yours,
Ash.