Work Text:
It was just October but the kitchen smelled like Christmas. There’s roast chicken, shrimp, mashed potato, lots of potato wedges, and even a neatly decorated chocolate cake.
Kyungsoo turned on the speakers and started blasting pop music, letting his body move as he walked around, hopping from one section to the other. But even in the noise, there was a foreboding silence that enveloped him.
It was quick work setting up the table. It would only be just the two of them. Jongsoo was already fast asleep after a long day at the playground. His son definitely did not take after him. Just watching his son run around, trip, and then get up like nothing happened, terribly exhausted him.
The table looked like a magazine spread. After all, he pored over those food magazines wishing he could replicate them someday. Now he’s doing them effortlessly. He had enough practice. More than enough practice than he would have liked.
He smelled like food. He paused for a second, contemplating if he should change his clothes. This was a special occasion, even a celebration if you may. He shrugged his head.
“This would do.”
He removed his apron and hung it on the wall. There were several others. Different colors, fabrics, designs. It was a wonderful sight, would have been perfect if it did not remind him of, well, everything.
He pulled out the chair and he sat. Waiting.
But not for long. He heard the beeping of the electronic lock which was soon succeeded by footsteps on the carpeted floor. It was funny how he could recognize him even just by the sound of shoes beating on the floor. It was stupid how much he knew so much about this man but still, he knew so little.
“What’s the occasion?” There was an impressed look on Jongin’s face. He was smiling like a child and Kyungsoo simply smiled back. Jongin liked roast chicken, mashed potatoes, he liked everything on the table.
“Happy 4th anniversary.” He conveyed as much joy as he could but he knew his eyes would always betray them. It was only a question of whether or not Jongin would catch them. Kyungsoo waited for a moment, hoping he would see finally see his eyes. He did not. Just like every time.
“Oh god.” Jongin lifted his palm to his forehead in frustration? Was it really frustration? Kyungsoo didn’t know. “I’m sorry, it slipped my mind. I was just.”
“Busy,” Kyungsoo smiled painfully. “It’s fine. I know you were really stressed with work.”
Jongin just stood there, placed in an awkward position.
“Oh come on,” Kyungsoo tilted his head. “Don’t think about it. Just take a seat.”
“Don’t feel too bad. You paid for this anyway,” Kyungsoo quips but Jongin remains tethered to his seat, silent and unmoving.
“I’m sorry, love.” Love. His tongue curled up with ease saying that word. Only if it were that easy to substantiate its meaning. “I promise, I’ll make it up to you.”
“Then I have one request.”
Realization dawned on Jongin and Kyungsoo instantly sensed the internal turmoil that sparked in him.
“No, not that please.”
Kyungsoo just smiled bitterly. He knew Jongin wouldn’t allow it but at least he tried.
“It’s just, I can’t trust anyone to look after—”
“No, it’s fine.” He waved it off, taking up so much control to hold back his tears. “Like I said, you didn’t need to make it up to me anyway. Go on, eat.”
Awkwardly, they started eating. Kyungsoo was glad he turned off the speakers before he settled in or else, it would have been a comedic background to all this. No words were spoken. Only the sound of utensils—cutting through food and grazing the porcelain plates—cut through the air like hooded shrieks.
“The chicken’s great.” Jongin finally mustered the strength to speak up.
“Thanks,” Kyungsoo responded with the same lack of enthusiasm.
He recalled how he seasoned everything properly but his senses could barely sift through the air that was hauntingly heavy with tension and unresolved conflict. There was nothing to savor but bitterness and even despair.
As soon as they finished, he carefully sliced two portions of the chocolate cake.
“Thanks,” Jongin couldn’t even meet his eyes.
They finished dessert under total silence. Kyungsoo collected the plates and deposited them on the sink. He needed this to turn his back for a while and gather strength to say what he has to say next.
He took a deep breath, running the things he has to say on his mind.
He went back solemnly to the table where Jongin was still stuck.
He took a seat, made eye contact with him, and finally said the words.
"I'm leaving."
"When? Where?" Jongin asked quite enthusiastically.
"No, Jongin." There was a coldness to how he said Jongin's name. "I'm leaving for good."
"What do you mean?" Jongin looked like he was trying his best to sound calm. Their son was still fast asleep and they wouldn't want him to wake up to their fighting.
"So you're leaving because I won't let you go to college and finish your degree? You're willing to destroy this family just because of that? Can't you just wait?" Jongin's voice was like a strained whisper.
"I've given you everything already." Everything might even be an understatement. "Just please, give me this one."
"Why are you doing this to me?" Jongin was already in tears but Kyungsoo knew better. If only those tears meant he cared for him like he were his husband and not just the other father of his child.
"Why now?" His husband was reaching forward, trying to take his hands but Kyungsoo kept them locked to his lap. "Why would you do this to me?"
"No, Jongin." He was surprised at his own calmness. "Why did you do this to me?"
"What?"
"Did you really think that I would put up with all of this? You leave me here in this fancy apartment to take care of our son, like my only purpose in life is to be a father. I'm not like you. I'm not supposed to have a career because you made it clear that my place is here. Just here and nowhere else."
"Because Kyungsoo's place is only here in this fucking kitchen." He stood up and grabbed the apron. "Wearing this fucking apron."
"You come home and fuck me and then you talk about what you need and what you want to do with your life but did you ever ask me what I want with my life? What I need in my life?"
He sat back down and composed himself. Smiling, he resumed talking.
"I'm leaving. Please, you want to make it up to me now give me this."
"I don't understand why you're doing this."
"Well it's not my duty to make you understand the things you willingly ignored all this time."
"Please stop it, Kyungsoo." Jongin was getting horrified by the minute. "Stop this game or whatever you think this is."
"This isn't a game, Jongin. The life I have here isn't life. And I hate myself for putting up with all this because I wanted to protect Jongsoo. It was just him all this time. Every time I think about packing my things and leaving all this, I think about him. But I can't fool myself anymore. I'll take Jongsoo with me if you want."
"No, Jongsoo stays here." Jongin said firmly. "Visit him any time you like but he stays here."
"Thank you."
Then Jongin did the unexpected. He approached him and engulfed him in a hug.
"Please, Kyungsoo." He was begging. "Don't leave me like this. If you want to go to college, then you have my blessing. Just please, stay."
"You're just saying that to make me stay. I can't live anymore with another compromise."
"I'm." Jongin's face slowly went from desperation to surrender. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize anymore." Kyungsoo pulled his face closer and gave Jongin a kiss. One final kiss. "I'm still thanking you for giving me Jongsoo."
Even if it cost him the life he wanted to live. Even Jongin made him feel horrible for even thinking of not proceeding with his pregnancy. Even if he was forced to grow up instantly when all he cared for before was realizing his dreams for himself.
And now he can finally live for himself.
"Please forgive your father for being selfish." Kyungsoo tearily hugged his sleeping son.
"I'm sorry that I'm choosing myself. I'm sorry."