Chapter Text
In Jay’s sole defense, he was not nearly as well-rested as he could have been.
Which wasn’t unusual for him, per se. The commute to Hanlim was always a weary one, and Jay was almost never satisfied with the amount of shut-eye he received in comparison to the amount he felt he deserved. He supposed he had brought this upon himself, had gone to bed late last night talking to Shim Jaeyun about a video on time loops instead of dutifully falling asleep like he was supposed to, but he couldn’t help himself. Jake was a good listener, and the video was ridiculously gripping, and anyway, what kind of school forced it’s students to attend class at 5:00 in the morning? He wanted justice. Sue him.
Unfortunately, though, the ramifications of his actions didn’t take long to take its course. Jay awoke with burning eyes and a spinning head. The last time he’d slept this late, his typical ability to articulate his thoughts the morning after had melted away with his brain cells, and the entire day he’d chugged coffee and prayed that his mouth wouldn’t precede the careful thought necessary for any idol who wanted to keep their pretty careers. And during a Buzzfeed interview, too.
Nishimura Ni-ki, who was awake to film for an individual shooting, found Jay’s dismal state hilarious. “Jay hyung, you shouldn’t swear at the sink,” He reprimanded gleefully from the dining room table when Jay managed to pull himself out of his bed and into the kitchen for some breakfast.
Yang Jungwon, who was sitting next to the maknae with a heaping bowl of oatmeal, tutted. “Yeah, hyung, think about its feelings.” He chided.
Jay rolled his eyes, flipping the bird in their general direction. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much except add more to the delight of Ni-ki, who frankly was still getting used to the liberties of being allowed to swear off-camera. Before he could rack his brain for an appropriate comeback, Kim Sunoo interjected from the seat across from them.
“Leave him alone,” He muttered halfheartedly, picking at his boiled eggs. “He’s got like 3 hours of sleep in him.” Sunoo turned to Jay and beckoned him over. “Hyung, c’mon and eat already.”
The fact that Sunoo knew this didn’t do much to help Jay’s moritifcation, but he wasn’t sure what he expected- him and Jake weren’t necessarily the most quiet of people, and their room wasn’t soundproof. And it was lucky that Sunoo didn’t join in on the hazing, because he had actually been the one to storm into their room at some point that night, hissing at the two of them with pure venom in his voice, to “ please stop gabbing about Galelieo or whoever the fuck and go the hell to bed” and Jay, more out of fear than anything, had promptly fallen fast asleep.
He appreciated Sunoo anyway, though. Jay trudged over and gave the kids an exaggerated stink-eye, mumbling a quick “thanks” under his breath as he plopped down next to him. He always had Jay’s back in some way or another.
Sunoo hummed in return, handing him a plate.
Breakfast was a quick ordeal. Jay wasted no time shoveling down some toast and eggs and coffee, feeling a few of his senses coming back to him with every bite he took. Then they bid Ni-ki goodbye and were being herded out of the dorm and packed inside the van, to which Jay resolved sleeping any longer was futile after the amount of caffeine he’d consumed in the span of 10 minutes.
“So what’s your guys’ plan for the break?” Sunoo was asking, oh right , they had a break this weekend. Jay had been completely remiss to the fact that after this week they were officially on rest-period, what with the rush of finishing comeback promotions and shooting for their reality show and cramming in what few hours of sleep he could before he had to do it all over again. “5 days is a lot of time.”
Jungwon, who was scrolling aimlessly on his phone, shut it off with an excited smile. “I’m going to train my dog, sleep in, meet with some family members..” He made a face. “Probably going to have to get my cheeks pinched a lot, too.”
“Understandable,” Jay mused, and jerked forward to curl his hand around Jungwon’s seat. He made grabby-motions with the fingers on his other hand playfully, pinching the younger’s chin. “Aigoo, Jungwonie, look how big you’ve gotten-”
“ Hyungg, I didn’t ask for a test of what’s to come. ” Jungwon complained, and Jay giggled, releasing him.
Sunoo turned around to look at him, tilting his head in question. “What about you, hyung?”
Jay shrugged, leaning back against the head rest comfortably. Break-periods were always nice, and this one in particular was longer than the others they’d recieved, almost a full week of no cameras or dance practice or school. “Same as Jungwon, probably, minus training a dog.” He felt excited at the thought of heading back home, stomach piquing in interest at the thought of his mom’s galbitang despite just stuffing himself full of breakfast. “And eat a lot of my parent’s food.”
Jungwon made an envious sound. “Ni-ki never shuts up about how good your mom’s cooking is.” He grumbled. “At this point I’ve started getting hungry thinking about it, and I’ve never even seen it.”
Jay ruffled his hair, endeared. “You can always come on a weekend, you know she loves you.”
“Really?” Jungwon visibly brightened. “Alright, you said it yourself hyung- I’m tagging along the next time!”
Jay laughed before turning to Sunoo, then, curious himself. “Sunoo, what are your plans?”
Sunoo looked out the window and pouted. “My parents are in Singapore sightseeing right now, and I don’t really feel like traveling much, so I’m just staying here.”
Jungwon made a noise in sympathy, but Jay leaned forward, a little confused.
“So are you going to stay with your family in Gyeonggi-do, then?” He asked. Sunoo shook his head, and Jay felt his lips purse. “Surely you aren’t staying alone at the dorms.”
Sunoo bared his teeth sheepishly. “Actually, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Jungwon added, turning to look at Jay curiously. “Jake stayed home during break last year, remember?”
Yes, but that was Jake. This is Sunoo. “Okay, so-” He addressed Sunoo again. “You’re really not going anywhere for break?” Sunoo nodded. “For five days,” Jay said emphatically. Sunoo nodded again, now looking a bit confused at Jay’s bewilderment.
Jungwon cut in. “Hyung, how many different ways are you going to ask the same question?” He giggled.
Jay joined in on the laughter, but still felt a bit perplexed. Sunoo didn’t like being alone- it was a fact Jay had quickly learned while they were in quarantine and Sunoo was left to his own devices at the dorm. They spoke over the phone and texted nearly everyday, and it was abundantly clear that Sunoo hated the silence of their massive house.
( “it’s like a ghost town here now, hyung TT ” one text from Sunoo read at around 3:20 in the morning, followed by a terrifying picture of one of Jay’s hoodies hung around a defunct lamp with no further explanation. Jay had been so concerned that he’d instantly called him the moment he’d read the texts, his first thought being that Sunoo had gone insane and was now speaking to inanimate objects wearing articles of his member’s clothing.
Sunoo had picked up after two rings, “What? No, hyung, I’m fine.” His voice was rough with sleep, mirth evident in it. Jay remembered feeling slightly flustered, wondering if maybe he was overreacting. “I just wore your hoodie and thought it would be a funnier way to dry it.” Before Jay could stammer through a response to that , Sunoo sighed. “Maybe I’m not too far from going haywire.”)
So Jay wanted to ask him why he was putting himself through that again, but at that point they had already arrived at the gates, and Sunoo was hopping out of the van, chittering eagerly away with Jungwon. Jay sighed. Sunoo seemed fine, so maybe it was better to just trust that.
-
It wasn’t neccesarily new news to Jay that he had fans at his school. It was just so much easier to pretend that he didn’t.
For one, the already abnormal amounts of teasing that his members typically levvied on him had increased tenfold the moment Jungwon let it slip over dinner that Jay had a fan at his old school back during the starting days of Given-Taken promotions.
“It’s just one person,” He’d said, almost pleadingly. The others had turned to him after the news with glinting eyes, smiles wide and leering. They hadn’t gone easy on him, stuffed him full of relentless comments about him being a “real life anime protagonist” (Jake, fake-swooning), a “modern-day casanova” (Sunghoon, eyebrows wiggling lecherously), a “total loser, he sprints back to the car every time he comes out of the school so he can avoid her” (Jungwon, traitorously, living to see Jay suffer. Jungwon would pay , Jay thought half-heartedly, already giving up on the thought after seeing Jungwon’s sheepish dimples.)
He did his best to hold up on his own, pretending to be proud of being some sort of rumored peer-magnet or whatever, but the act fell short embarrassingly fast. As usual, he ended up a defenseless, bright red mess. So what , was all he was able to snap back. We all have fans, okay? It’s not just me.
Sunoo was the only one who hadn’t joined in, quietly poking at his kimchi-jigae and looking somewhat occupied. Still, Jay was grateful that there was one person who wasn’t using the time to make a joke at his expense. “It’s not that surprising that Jay’s popular,” was all he added to the conversation after Ni-ki had asked him what he thought. He sounded moderately sincere, which somehow made Jay’s face even redder, which made Heeseung and Jake’s shrieking laughs pierce through the still relatively empty dorm in echoes.
Then Sunoo and him transferred to Hanlim together, and at the point, it had got much worse.
There were groups of them now, inconspicuous but noticeable in the way they whispered hushedly, making a point not to flock to watch him so as to not break school privacy protocol, but floating a few yards away from him wherever he turned, like groups of trailing ghosts.
And the thing was- Jay actually loved and appreciated his fans like any other idol- but just in the appropriate enviornment. He wasn’t sure if he could necessarily handle the sheer attention in a setting where he was supposed to be, you know. Learning. Trying to graduate. Escape Sunghoon and Jake’s stupid quips about him being the maknae of the 02’line, mainly. It somehow made it more real to him that he really was just a stranger to his fans at the end of the day, that as much as they adored the person he displayed for the cameras, he didn’t know them, and vice versa.
These were the paranoid thoughts the stamped his mind anytime he saw them, anyway, which typically was the reason he high-tailed it away from school the moment he was let out, Sunoo close on his heels. Management taught them to avoid and be polite at the very most, but the advice was ineffective against different odds. Everything you could say would and was twisted in this day and age, and as much as Jay prided himself in being clear-headed, he wasn’t sure what to ever do.
Sunoo, blessedly, understood him all too well. “I get it,” He nodded slowly when Jay had somehow been tired enough to start rattling off his fears one night. They had come back from a dual vocal practice and were cramming a late night dinner in before bed. “You can’t ever be too cautious as someone with influence.” He looked a bit wistful under the kitchen lights. “It’s our life now, hyung.”
He wasn’t wrong.
“Come on, hyung, almost there,” Sunoo was muttering quietly now, muffled through his mask. Their shoulders bumped together as they quickened the pace down a vacant hallway.
They had established a routine of sorts now, knew where their respective fans typically congregated and had mapped out routes that would help them avoid colliding with them. Sunoo was a good strategist, was usually great at detecting fans and avoiding interactions by leading the way and giving short instructions under his breath.
Unfortunately, they were just short of being successful today.
“Shit,” Sunoo cursed belatedly as the turned the corner and made sight with a gaggle of students huddled around the end of the hall. At the sight of Jay and Sunoo, they all collectively hushed.
“You said this route was fool-proof,” Jay hissed, drawing in closer to Sunoo to be heard.
“Oh, I’m sorry for making one mistake.” Sunoo griped.
Jay made a strained noise. “Can we- turn around, at least?” He asked desperately.
“We’ll look rude, hyung,” Sunoo reasoned, albeit just as shaky. “C’mon.” He gripped the ends of Jay’s backpack straps pulling him forward. “Just lower your head and walk faster.”
They marched onward, heads snapped toward the ground like they were walking a road of penance. As they neared the group, the whispers started up again, restrained squeals and gasps that were meant to grab their attention. “Ah, they’re here! Look at Jongseong’s hair, he’s so handsome, “ said one. “ Did you hear his voice in the new album? Like honey, honestly”, another remarked, and yeah, Jay didn’t like being gawked and regarded like he wasn’t there in person, but that didn’t mean he was necessarily upset at the generally kind things they said about him.
He unconsciously brushed his hair back, feeling his chest puff up a little bit. From beside him, Sunoo stifled a giggle. “Getting cocky?” Sunoo hummed, turning his chin toward him, voice low.
“Shut up,” Jay huffed, nudging him in return. Sunoo was arguably worse.
They were in about 2 feet radius of the group and were just about to make their getaway to the next hallway when one person said amongst them, deliberately loud, and in a mock-pitying sort of voice, “Makes sense why he got more parts than Sunoo, Sunoo can’t even sing or dance.” They snorted. “ Useless member.”
From the corner of his eye, Jay saw Sunoo tense up, shoulders hunching upward like he’d been struck.
Jay himself felt heat rush to his head, his stomach twisting like mad. He felt himself stop in his tracks.
Spinning around and facing the group of fans, his thoughts barreled ahead of one another slovenly. “Hyung,” Sunoo whispered with a hint of confusion.
Jay opened his mouth to say something and found himself wordless, anger pulsating through his veins so aggressively he felt almost dizzy. It was so easy for them to say these things, Jay thought furiously, so easy for them to laugh and insult and poke fun, so easy for them to avoid seeing the product of such derisive comments. So easy, because they never had to see Sunoo almost weak with exhaust after practicing dances for hours on end, convinced he wasn’t good enough. They never had to hear Sunoo’s torn voice at the early hours of the morning on the drive back home, wondering aloud to Jay if he ever would be good enough.
The other students stared back at Jay, still frozen like they were unable to fathom him looking at them. The awe, almost reverent gaze in some of their eyes made Jay feel a bit sick, reminded him what he was about to do. Reminded him of the consequences, the fucking consequences, don’t do something stupid, don’t bring down the group.
“Hyung,” Sunoo said, more insistent.
Do you know what you’re risking?
So Jay chomped down on his tongue instead, fists clenching at his pockets. Abruptly, he twisted a stiff hand under Sunoo’s backpack strap and gripped his wrist, tight. Sunoo jerked a little at the touch, blinking rapidly.
Jay forced them forward. “Let’s go,” He gritted out, feeling nauseous.
--
They left class early like usual, morning practices awaiting them. Typically Jay and Sunoo relished in the luxury of ditching classes, chattering away in the empty corridor while they waited for the company van. This morning, it was just painfully awkward.
They sat next to eachother on the wooden benches in silence, Jay tapping absently at his phone, Sunoo staring blankly at the poser board across from them. They had only been waiting for about 2 minutes, and Jay was already feeling restless.
Finally, he couldn’t help himself from filling the silence, and it seemed Sunoo was more or less thinking the same, because they spoke at the same time.
“What were you-” Sunoo began.
“Are you-”
They laughed in embarrassment together, and Jay felt some tension lift off his shoulders. “You go first,” He said, gesturing to Sunoo.
Sunoo smiled wryly. “I’m not sure if it’s really appropriate now, but I coudn’t help wondering.” His head tilted and he leveled Jay with a curious look. “What were you going to say to those people this morning?”
Jay wondered if he could pass off with playing dumb, but figured it was futile. “I’m not sure,” He admitted honestly. “I was just- I wanted to say something stupid back. I don’t know. I chickened out.”
Sunoo scoffed. “You never chicken out.” His voice went soft. “You were thinking for the team.”
Jay didn’t respond, cheeks burning a little. It still took time for him to get used to the fact that sometimes “thinking for the team” meant ignoring obvious offense. He had spoken about it with Sunoo before numerous times, so it didn’t surprise him that Sunoo called his bluff so easily.
“Hyung,” Sunoo said. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Jay said bitterly, still angry that it was true.
Sunoo jabbed him in the side and Jay let out a yelp. “You showed me that you would ,” Sunoo glared at him playfully. “And that was really nice of you. So thank you.”
Jay flushed and crossed his arms, white dress shirt crumpling under his vest. “Yeah, okay,” He grumbled. He was convinced it was the bare minimum, but Sunoo’s elbows were pointy and Jay wasn’t taking any chances. “If you say so.”
“I do,” Sunoo sing-songed back. “Anyway, hyung, what were you going to say?” He asked, looking and sounding a lot more like his usual self after breaking the silence. His eyes twinkled mischievously. “Gonna ask me if I’m okay like a reliable hyung?”
“Maybe,” Jay muttered, caught.
Sunoo softened. “I’m fine, hyung,” He said sincerely. “It mainly shocked me, but at the end of the day, I know it’s not true. I’ve been working too hard for those words to have any real impact on me.”
Jay looked at him and felt something like pride bloom in his chest. “You’re very strong, Kim Sunoo,” He said genuinely. “And I’m- I’m glad you know those types of comments are stupid and irrelevant.”
Sunoo put a warm hand on Jay’s knee. “Thank you, hyung,” He whispered, almost shy.
The van pulled up at that moment, and they both jolted at the honk their manager let out, jerking away from each other and busying themselves in getting up and ready to leave.
Together, they walked out of the school gate, Jay’s cheeks warm, Sunoo’s grin unyielding.