Work Text:
Monday morning, 9/4.
6:20am
Well, here we go again. New school year, new journal (Liz got it for me at the mall a couple days ago—I’m kind of in love with the puppy design. Liz might be annoying sometimes, but she knows what I like).
Anyways, it’s the first day of school. First day of eighth grade at Vista. I should be more excited than I am. Dawn, Maggie, and Sunny keep talking about how they can’t wait to be the oldest kids in the middle school, but I’m actually really nervous. Which is why I’m up writing this, when I could be sleeping for another half hour. Well, my dog Smee also woke me up, whining to be let outside, but going back to sleep after was pointless.
So I’m trying to be excited about eighth grade, but I don’t know. I’ve been thinking a lot this summer. Like. how all of a sudden, everyone is in this huge rush to grow up. Sunny is the most obvious—all of a sudden all she wants to talk about is boys and shopping. It seems like every time I tried to get everyone together like old times, nothing was the same. The most glaring difference is that no one seemed interested in babysitting this summer, so I did a lot of solo sitting. It’s their loss—I made a ton of extra money that could have also belonged to them. I don’t get why babysitting is suddenly seen as a dumb thing—or baking cookies, or watching Disney movies, or having sleepovers. Mom is always telling me that you only have so much time to be a kid, and that I should take advantage of it while I still can. I have plenty of time to go to parties and have crushes on boys and do all the things that Sunny things are “cool” eventually, but right now, I’m just not ready to let go of everything I love.
If I’m being honest, it sort of drives me crazy that my “best friends” don’t understand that, but maybe I’m being too negative. Maybe this summer was just a weird phase and this school year is actually going to be amazing. Maybe—
Got to go. Mom is calling me to breakfast. I’ll write more later.
—
Thursday
9/25.
Wow. So far I’ve kind of failed at keeping this journal. Thank God the teachers at Vista don’t actually look at these. Normally I try to write an entry a night, but everything has been so chaotic and overwhelming lately that I’ve barely had time.
Consensus? Eighth grade is not amazing.
For starters, Vista is having problems with overcrowding this year. I’ve never liked being stuck in a small space with massive amounts of people, and well, this is all school is right now. I think there are like a thousand kids in each class, and there aren’t even enough rooms. I’ve been getting home and feeling exhausted, which explains why I’ve been awful at writing in this journal.. Basically I just want to watch my favorite movies and play with the dogs and then sleep forever—pretend that Vista and the eighth grade absolutely do not exist. Unfortunately, I also have homework and classes are hard this year. Plus, unlike some people whose names rhyme with Bunny, I actually want to do well and keep up my grades.
Speaking of Sunny (fine, I’ll just write her name, no one can see this), she is driving me crazy. I seriously don’t know where the amazing girl I used to be friends with has gone. I keep trying to be nice and understanding because of what she is going through—I can’t imagine how I would react if one of my parents got sick. Even so, she’s just mean sometimes. It’s like she’s deliberately trying to upset me, and I don’t get it. I’ve never been anything but a good friend to her. Plus, she keeps blowing off homework assignments and mouthing off to teachers and to be honest, I am kind of horrified.
…I’m getting off track again. What I’m trying to talk about is the first day of school. I wore the outfit that I’d picked out a few weeks ago with Mom and Liz, and actually thought was pretty cute. My friends keep wanting to dress “edgy”—midriff tops and fringed jackets and ripped up jeans, but I think all of that is stupid and like you’re trying too hard to win a “who is the most tortured soul” contest (cough cough, Sunny). I opted for a grey and red pleated skirt, a grey shirt with a French Bulldog on it, and red knee socks with (high heeled) Mary Janes.
I was feeling pretty good until I got to school and Sunny pretty much died laughing when she saw my outfit. Not good natured laughing either. She actually asked me if I’d gone shopping in the baby section. Dawn and Maggie at least didn’t say anything, but they kept hiding smirks, which was almost worse. Thanks guys. Your support really means loads.
I thought about sneaking home at lunch and changing, but then decided halfway through study hall that if I do that, they win. I liked what I was wearing. I’m not going to apologize for loving shirts with animal prints on them, or skirts, or the fact that I have notebooks with puppies and unicorns printed on them. That’s who I am right now, and if Sunny doesn’t like it, she can deal. Consider it my own form of rebellion—and I don’t even have to cut class to do it.
Lately, I’ve been wearing the most outrageous ensembles I can find, trying to see if it will annoy Sunny or if she’ll comment. I was particularly proud of today’s outfit—I managed to fit into a unicorn sweatshirt from fifth grade, and dug out my pink sneakers. Sunny didn’t say anything, but I could tell it drove her nuts.
Maybe this isn’t the most mature way of dealing with things, but it’s kind of hilarious. Sunny, Dawn, and Maggie think they’re so cool, but would never have the guts to wear a unicorn sweater in public. In some ways, I am my own cool.
Plus a girl in my study hall named Emily complimented my sweater today, which made me feel even better.
Maybe this is what people mean about everything changing as you get older. I used to think that I would be best friends forever with everyone. Now, I’m not so sure. I hate giving up on people, and maybe this is just a phase, but I really hope that everyone stops being so weird (and mean) soon.
—
Friday
9/26.
Oh my God.
I didn’t think it was possible, but things have actually gotten more complicated and confusing.
We had an all school assembly today, to discuss the overcrowding problem. How are the geniuses at Vista dealing with this? By making the eighth graders report to the high school on Monday.
Yup. As if being in eighth grade wasn’t terrifying enough, I, Jill Henderson, am now in high school.
I’m actually so mad. Vista is a private school. My parents sent me there so I wouldn’t have to deal with stuff like overcrowding. For what they pay, this shouldn’t be happening. I keep ranting to Mom, and she says that she’s going to write a letter and bring up a complaint at the next PTA meeting, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to go to the high school building on Monday.
High schoolers. They’re scary. There’s no getting around it. The girls are all like nine feet taller than me, and wear stilettos and bright red lipstick and have cars and jobs and boyfriends. Then…don’t even get me started on the guys. The jocks are terrifying.
I am convinced I am going to be eaten alive.
If I don’t write after the weekend, assume I have been trampled by stilettos or shoved in a trash can by some meathead.
I’ve had a good life, I guess.
—
Monday
9/29.
I am alive.
Barely.
My first day of high school was just as overwhelming as I thought it would be. Some highlights—
--A couple making out in front of my locker. I don’t think they moved for ten minutes. The girl had a hickey on her neck, which is disgusting. (sidenote: I only just found out what a hickey is this summer, when Sunny referenced it. She laughed forever when I didn’t know what it was and accused me of living under a rock. Then she called me immature when I said that hickeys sound disgusting. She’s so nice).
--Some annoying girl who yelled “nice sweater!” I’m used to Sunny by now, so that actually wasn’t too awful. By the way, I opted for a purple sweatshirt with llamas on it.
--Another girl tried to point me in the direction of the boys bathroom.
--Jock guys throwing footballs in the hallway and almost hitting me in the face on my way to algebra.
--Getting turned around multiple times because the high school is huge and terrifying.
…And I'm sure there are more. I don’t understand how my friends think that this is fun. I just want to be back in middle school. Funny how that works. I was afraid of starting the eighth grade, of being the oldest in the class, but now all I want is to be back there, at the top of the totem pole.
The only good thing about today is that the girl who liked my unicorn sweater last week (Emily), is in math with me. We sat next to each other and talked about how couples here need to get a room and that there should be designated students to whack people in the middle of make out sessions with newspapers. It was funny and exactly the kind of conversation my friends would think is dumb, which is why it was awesome. I also found out that Emily’s family calls her Millie, that she lives a few streets over from me, and that she also loves dogs. Oh and she complimented my eraser collection and mentioned that a new store at the mall has some amazing teddy bear erasers I should check out.
I don’t know why I’ve never noticed Emily (Millie?) before, but I’m glad that we’re in class together and that someone at this school is sane. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even ask her if she wants to go shopping sometime soon.
—
Tuesday night
9/30
Two days down.
The other big news is that Emily asked me if I wanted to go to the mall tonight. It’s her sister’s birthday, apparently, and she needed to to get her a present.
I hesitated for one second, wondering if maybe Dawn or Maggie had plans for tonight, and then said sure. It seems like all I do lately is complain about them—in this journal, and to Mom and Liz—so hanging out with someone different seemed like a good choice.
It was a good choice, actually. Emily and I had so much fun. She showed me an amazing new store called The Bear Necessities. It’s full of teddy bears and accessories. I got a pack of new teddy bear erasers for my collection, and some stickers for some of the kids I still babysit for.
It wasn’t just the shopping though. I was amazed at how easy it was to talk to Emily. Like talking to Sunny and Dawn and Maggie used to be. I also didn’t have to worry if I everything I said was going to be scrutinized and smirked at, which was nice. We joked more about the idiot upperclassmen at Vista, then talked more about our pets and our families. Then somehow we got to talking about babysitting—Emily mentioned that she does a lot of sitting for nearby families. I mentioned the We <3 Kids Club.
“That sounds so neat.” Emily had said. “Do you still have meetings? I’d like to—“
So then I had to tell her that we hadn’t had a meeting in months because my friends (irony of ironies) think babysitting is babyish and want to do more grown up things like pierce their ears a thousandth time or get hickeys. I actually ended up ranting about all of them, and how mean they’ve been lately. Emily said that they sound like the immature ones, which made me feel a little better. Then, she’d gotten a gleeful look in her eye when I told her about the unicorn sweater tactics, and said I should step it up a little further.
So now, I’m kind of being the immature one, because Emily and I bought puppy keychains for the three of them. I’ve made notes (in sparkly gel pen) about how the keychains are good luck charms and that we are puppy pals forever. Emily and I laughed for about an hour.
Now I just have to get the guts to slip them in my friends’ bags tomorrow. Sunny’s head is going to explode.
…I am such a bad friend. Though it’s not like they’ve been the greatest friends to me. Maybe I should just give up and start hanging out with Emily instead. Then again, even if they can be mean, I hate giving up on people. I like that the four of us have stayed friends for so long. It shows that we’re loyal, that we’re good at sticking to tradition.
…When did friendships and life have to get so complicated?
Whatever. I’m putting the keychains in their bags tomorrow.
Puppy Pals forever.
—
Wednesday evening
10/1.
….The Puppy Pals Prank backfired.
Horribly.
I won’t blame Dawn if she decides to never speak to me again.
The short version: Some eleventh grader named Mandy Richards ended up finding the keychain and won’t stop teasing Dawn about it. Dawn called me tonight, super mad (and when Dawn’s mad, she’s really mad) and I kind of don’t blame her. I shouldn’t have done that.
I’m hoping this will all just blow over soon, but I’m mad at myself for being so immature in the first place. It’s completely my fault.
I need to try harder with my friends. Make an effort with them. Maybe we could have a party—something to celebrate the start of the school year? It feels like we haven’t done anything like that in forever.
--
Thursday
10/2
Study Hall
Party Stuff!!!
--LOTS OF SNACKS (bake cookies, popcorn, maybe make smores?)
--Board games? (Twister, Clue, Life, Truth or Dare?? Sunny might like Truth or Dare)
--Movies! (Disney movies or maybe something more grown up. The Breakfast Club? Pretty in Pink?)
--FIND SOME FUN MUSIC (cool music, even)
--Decorations!!! (ask mom if we can go to the mall and get streamers and balloons, maybe stuff to make a cake??)
--Go to scrapbook store at the mall—get more construction paper and pens to make invitations. Have invitations handed out by tomorrow morning.
I’m supposed to be doing geography homework, but this party is way more important, obviously. I’m actually getting really excited for the weekend. Maybe I’ll even ask if we can have the house to ourselves for the night. Then it really will feel like a grown up party.
By the way, Dawn is talking to me again. She’s still being kind of distant and keeps going on about what a pain Mandy is, but at least she’s talking. Hopefully with this weekend, everything will all blow over.
—
Later in the evening
PARTY UPDATE: Mom and I went out and got a tons of pink and white streamers and balloons, plus loads of cool stuff to make invitations with. She thinks the party is a great idea, and mentioned something about how she hasn’t seen my friends around the house lately. Best of all, she agreed to let us have the house to to ourselves. BECAUSE SHE TRUSTS ME. I bet Sunny’s parents wouldn’t let her host a party by herself.
…I did not just write that. YOU ARE TRYING TO FIX THINGS WITH SUNNY, JILL. NOT MAKE THEM WORSE.
Anyways, I got my homework done and then spent forever on invitations. They’re also pink and white, but I tried to do the invitation details in colors I think everyone would like—Dawn’s is pale blue and silver, Sunny’s is red and black, and Maggie’s is dark purple and blue.
Emily also called when I was finishing up Maggie’s. She wanted know if I could see a movie this weekend. I almost said yes, but then told her I have plans.
I really like Emily, but before I make a new friend, I want to try and fix things with the friends I already have.
Maybe I’ll call Emily next weekend.
—
Friday
10/3.
I cannot BELIEVE what happened today. So much for my grand gesture. You know, sometimes I wish I lived in a different time period. I mean, I like cars and modern medicine and all that. That being said, I read Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility over the summer (other things I did while my friends were at the mall) and kind of fell in love with the chivalry in those books. Like whatever happened to handwritten letters? Or homemade invitations being a symbol of devotion? Why is it that stupid parties (that don’t even have good invitations and probably are full of illegal things) with tons of idiot upperclassmen are suddenly more important than small gatherings between friends? Friends you’ve known and cared about for years?
…I guess I should start from the beginning. I got to school today, invitations tucked in my bookbag. When I got to my locker, there was an invitation already waiting for me.
Well, more like a flyer. A lame, gross flyer advertising a lame party with gross upperclassman and just WHY?
Of course, all my friends are freaking out about it, especially because it’s a party for “the select few” and some of the most popular people in our grade got invited. It’s this weekend, and everyone wants to go. Especially Sunny.
I tried to convince them that it was stupid, and that we shouldn’t go, and then they got mad at me. It makes no sense. I’m the one that’s trying to be responsible. Liz has told me about those kinds of parties. People drink until they throw up, and sometimes there’s drugs and most of the time, the cops break it up anyways.
I want to fix things with my friends, but I am not going to jail for them. We’re not even supposed to know about this party anyways. We’re in eighth grade. Besides, a party like that doesn’t even sound fun. Why would you want to drink until you throw up?
At least no one has said for sure if they’re going, but I’m still upset. It’s like…I tried to do something nice for everyone with this party and making invitations and suddenly my whole idea got overshadowed by something that’s supposed to be “cool.”
Oh and I didn’t give them the invitations. After everything, and them already being mad at me, it seemed kind of pointless.
Sunny probably would have just laughed at it anyway.
—
Saturday Afternoon
10/4
Well I don’t know how I did it, but I convinced everyone to go to my party. I’m actually proud. My streamers and cake won’t go to waste after all.
Plus, it’s going to be the four of us hanging out, being ridiculous like old times, and not getting arrested.
We went to the mall earlier, and actually had a pretty good time. Sunny took forever in the jewelry store and kept going on about getting her naval pierced, so I took an extra long time in the Bear Necessities. I ended up buying this ridiculous perfume that’s in a bottle shaped like a pony, just to annoy her. Maybe one of my sitting charges will love it.
I felt really bad though, because she started crying about her mom at lunch and I got that nagging try harder feeling again. The problem is, I don’t know what do for Sunny. I don’t think any of us do, actually. She’s always been the closest to Dawn, but she’s even shutting out her best friend. I’m definitely the least qualified though. Everything I try just annoys her. At the same time, I can’t stop trying.
Then, while I was having all these thoughts, Sunny ran off from the rest of us and got her naval pierced.
I don’t know what my Mom would do if I tried something like that. Probably march me back to the store and make them reverse the piercing.
Sunny’s so hard too, because one second I’m feeling bad for her, and the next, I’m thinking she’s completely out of control and not even a shred of the person I used to be friends with.
—
Saturday Evening
10/4
11:00pm
I am so nervous I feel like I might puke at any second. The nerves I felt on the first day of eighth grade are nothing compared to this.
I can’t believe I went along with this.
I am going to be in so much trouble if Mom finds out.
I’ve been pacing for the past hour, so all I can do is write this, because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me from throwing up or curling into a ball and sobbing.
I am so mad at myself for being such a pushover.
Also if Sunny comes home drunk or gets arrested I am going to kill her. If Mom doesn’t kill me first for lying.
…What if they get hit by a car or kidnapped?
OH MY GOD GET HOME NOW.
Later that Evening
2:00am
I can’t sleep. I’m still trying to process exactly what happened.
Basically—
I am terrible at parties
So when Mom and Liz left, my super wonderful friends snuck out to the cool party. Like actually walked to it.
I refused to go. Because again, I am not getting arrested or wasting my time going to something I know I’ll hate.
Everyone promised to get back at midnight. They got back at one. Which means I had to lie to my mom and tell her everyone was upstairs asleep. I’ve never lied to her before, and I feel terrible.
Sunny came home DRUNK. Like actually drunk. I’ve never even seen anyone drunk before. Thanks to her, I never want to drink. She barfed all over the lawn too, and I’m terrified she’s going to throw up in my room. That will be fun trying to explain to my mom.
And I still feel awful. For a variety of reasons. My friends ditched me. I had to lie. Sunny showed up drunk and it was scary and I’m worried about her even though I’m also furious at her. Then I’m also just angry at myself for agreeing to this and angry that I even suggested having a party, because obviously my friends were going to do what they wanted anyway.
Just…why do I even keep trying???
It’s late. I need to go to bed. Maybe things will be better in the morning.
Sunday
10/5
Ha. Sunny was hungover this morning. Which is disgusting, but also Mom and Liz cooked a huge breakfast and Sunny had to sit there like nothing was wrong and I kind of just wanted to be serves you right.
I still don’t know what to think of everything, by the way. I kind of hope they get caught. I’m still mad about how they treated me. I’m still wondering if I even want to keep trying.
Everyone’s gone to search for Sunny’s wallet (of course she lost her wallet) and Emily called to ask if I want to walk to the library and then get ice cream.
I think I’m going.
—-
Saturday
12/5
New journal.
I always love finishing an old journal—such a sense of accomplishment. Plus it’s always interesting to flip through entries and see what has changed and what has stayed the same.
Things have definitely changed. I think this past semester has been one of the most change-worthy I’ve ever had. Some of it was hard, but I learned a lot about the people I want to surround myself with. It’s weird, but I don’t even miss Sunny, Maggie, and Dawn all that much. I see them in the halls sometimes (Sunny likes to flash her naval ring at me to try and shock me, so immature) and get sad for like a second, then just move on with my day. I have better friends, friends who don’t make fun of me for what I like or act like it’s a chore to be with me.
Speaking of, Emily is about to come over. We’re going to make Christmas cookies and then go to the library. One of the librarians mentioned something about
needing volunteers for after school kids programs, and I think we’re going to sign up.
Who needs the We <3 Kids Club?