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It's not terribly uncommon for Kotaro to pop into WEEKEND GARAGE these days. Usually it's to see someone in particular, whether it's Ken-san or the members of Vivid BAD SQUAD, but today is more of a "man, I'm really craving some of Ken-san's curry right now" sort of day. Having heard music coming from the inside of the establishment, he'd decided to break his habit of making a loud entrance just this once, so as to not interrupt the practice he knows the others are doing in the back. Just a brief exchange is had with Ken-san, as well as the placement of his order, before he takes a seat in the corner, where he can hear, but remain unseen for now. After all, while he's been calling them his rivals, he doesn't want to look like he's snooping or anything like that. He promised he'd cut out all of the Disney villain-esque stuff months ago. He'll just eat his curry and mind his own business for now.
...Well. It's easy to do that, of course. But that doesn't stop his mind from wandering while he waits for the curry to cool.
( Man, ) Kotaro thinks to himself. ( those guys have gotten really good, huh. ) He props his chin up in one hand, the other's fingers drumming against the table. There's some kind of emotion swelling within him— or, well, a mix of emotions would probably be more accurate— but he can't exactly pin down what it is. Excitement? Some strange form of pride? Maybe jealousy, or a feeling of being left behind?
His face scrunches up into a frown that's almost comedic, what with how thoughtlessly animated it is. He hardly notices Ken-san huffing out a little laugh as he observes it from behind the counter.
For some reason, hearing that music and thinking about progress that everyone in Vivid BAD SQUAD has made together... It makes Kotaro feel both happy and sad at the same time. Of course, he loves the way the four of them sound together. It's better than practically any other group on Vivid Street right now. Their songs make his heart pound in a way like no one else's can. Sure, it's not RAD WEEKEND level yet, far from it, but it's definitely something special. So if that's the case, then... where's this negativity coming from?
Hah, what a stupid question. He doesn't need to ask himself that at all. The answer's obvious. He just hates admitting it.
——————
A little over two years ago, some time after RAD WEEKEND had left its mark on everyone. That's when Kotaro first heard Akito's singing. It was amateurish, rough around the edges, and it was obvious to everyone that he was just some guy with no training that jumped into it headfirst. But that was the charm of it. The passion and the fire this random kid had, despite a complete lack of musical knowhow, that was inspiring! It was exciting! It grabbed Kotaro's attention and it refused to let go.
So, naturally, he approached Akito, and made himself known.
And, just as naturally, Akito was immediately irritated with the type of person Kotaro was. Despite Kotaro's familiarity with him and eagerness to become acquainted, Akito kept him at arm's length, not brushing him off or telling him to leave him alone, but not exactly letting him get too close, either. It was a strange and rocky friendship (if you could even call it that), with Kotaro trailing after Akito wherever he went.
Then, time passed, and there was another face that kept showing up. It was about a week, maybe two, since Kotaro had last seen Akito, when suddenly, there's this other guy that's always glued to his side. One Akito claims to be his new partner.
... Huh???
Needless to say, it left Kotaro feeling... a lot of things? Reeling, for one. Like he'd been smacked in the face with a blunt object. Confused was another, since he had no idea who this guy was. Astounded, for sure. Like, he'd never heard this Touya person sing before in his life. How good could he possibly be to make Akito snatch him up so quickly, after having denied musician after musician before? That last point didn't end up being relevant for very long, as soon, BAD DOGS revealed themselves to Vivid Street— and their first performance answered a lot of questions Kotaro had.
...Which, included the answer to what that last feeling he couldn't quite name was. It was a combination.
It was jealousy, and feeling like he just wasn't good enough.
He'd asked Akito plenty of times to sing with him, in the past. Sometimes he'd agree, sometimes he'd shut him down almost instantly. But none of those times ever ended in anything at all. They either sang, or they didn't, and then that was that. Even despite asking about Akito's goals and dropping stupid little half-hints here and there, it was obvious he wouldn't be the one to sing at Akito's side, in the end. No matter how much he wanted to, their goals didn't align, and their performances didn't share any harmony. Akito wanted to continuously improve until he would finally reach the point where he could surpass RAD WEEKEND, Kotaro thought that was an impossible goal, and just wanted to sing for the hell of it, to live in the now and go wherever things took them. Akito's singing was great, but it didn't pair well with Kotaro's, no matter how you sliced it. They'd always end up desynchronized, whether it's in pitch, or speed, or lyrics, or whatever it happened to be on that day.
It was never going to happen, and deep down, maybe some part of Kotaro knew that. So why did he still feel so hurt when he was proven right? When Touya sang alongside Akito for the first time, and proved to everyone that he was easily the perfect partner for him? Why did that sting?
Well, not that it mattered. He'd just grin and cheer them on, anyway. After all, he wanted to see Akito succeed, and soon enough, Touya won his favor, too. So, Kotaro just hovered around in the background, remaining distanced while he learned things from both BAD DOGS themselves, and from the people watching them that so often seemed to criticize them.
Man, that was fucking irritating. Who in their right minds would pick on these two for being good? Of course, everybody would point out whatever flaws they could find, and maybe they thought they were being helpful somehow, like they were giving some sort of constructive criticism— or maybe they were just being asses. Whatever it was, it put Kotaro in this strange situation where he wanted to prove them wrong. He wanted BAD DOGS to show them what for, to put them all in their places, and win no matter what. It started to make him mad when people would outdo them. Made him madder still when they'd talk down to them. And so maybe some part of him thought it would be best if he helped them from the sidelines, since he'd settled so deeply into this strange middle ground of being distant from both BAD DOGS, and the crowds and other musicians that would watch, or even oppose them.
As it turns out, being mad and having generally poor judgement makes for a very piss-poor combination, since that "help" would eventually turn into "harm".
God. He still feels so guilty about ruining An and Kohane's first live. What was he fucking thinking?! Nothing! He wasn't thinking at all! He just took something Akito said out of context, warped it in his head, and said "yeah, that'll show them!" like some kind of idiot. Gah. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Sure, An forgave him in the end, but that still didn't stop him from wondering if everyone else hated him after that. They'd all be right to, after all. Kohane, for being the one most hurt by it, and Akito and Touya, for not only being painted in a bad light, but being left disappointed in Kotaro's actions. So, of course, that distance he felt grew in size yet again. He was certain Akito would want nothing more than to break his nose after what'd happened, so once Vivid BAD SQUAD formed, he steered clear of all of them for months. Stayed out of their line of sight, avoided them in the streets whenever he heard them approaching, hid in the back of crowds whenever he'd watch their lives. Of course he'd still watch their lives. Their singing as a group was the closest thing to RAD WEEKEND he knew of at the time, and it was awesome . Even when they'd fail, they'd get right back up and do it all again, redeeming themselves in the process. It made him happy, made him feel like doing better himself.
And, yet again, it made him feel jealous and distant. He used to be Akito's friend, sort of. Touya's too, he liked to think. And some part of him wished that maybe, somehow, he could be up on stage with the four of them, singing alongside them. But... no, he was sure they didn't want him around anymore. Not after he proved himself to be a total screwup. Nobody likes an asshole anyway. So, he stayed away, letting that distance grow further and further still.
...Up until he didn't have a choice, anyway. Flash forward another few months, and the next thing he knew, he was face to face with Akito, alone, without any room to take off. Of course he apologized. Of course he explained himself. Of course he still felt bad about it all. Of course it still felt like shit saying all of this to his face. But that's when he noticed Akito acting off. He may be distant, but he'd been around him long enough to know his habits, to know when something's wrong. And while he couldn't figure out what it was, he definitely knew that something was definitely wrong.
The cause made itself known pretty quickly, what with how the name "Touno Arata" spread through Vivid Street like wildfire. What happened between those two to cause so much beef? What could this guy have said or done to make Akito work himself to the bone, like he used to when people would do nothing but give him shit?
Was that what the problem was...?
He wasn't close enough to do anything to help him. Not by a longshot. But, luckily, he knew three other people that were . And so he did the only thing he could do.
Ultimately, it worked out in the end, and while it was obvious that nobody really bothered to keep him in their minds, Kotaro felt a little glad for having done something right for once, having redeemed himself in just the smallest of ways. While he still felt distant, it was enough to make him feel like he could maybe get just a little closer, maybe talk to them just a little more. And maybe if he worked hard enough, and didn't do anything stupid in the process, he might even be able to start calling them friends...?
——————
"Oi, Kotaro." A voice snaps him out of his thoughts. It's Ken-san, calling out to him from behind the counter. "If you keep spacing out like that, your order'll get cold."
"Oh..." He hadn't noticed it, but Ken-san's right. Several long minutes had passed in all that time he spent reflecting. Kotaro puts on a grin and scratches the back of his head. "...ahaha, my bad! Not that your food's any worse when it's cold. 'Course, if I end up bitching about it, I'll just have to get another serving, right?" Ken-san laughs heartily, in that distinctly dad-ish way of his, before returning his attention back to the other customers at the bar that've sat down since Kotaro first spaced out.
...The moment he's sure no one's looking, Kotaro sighs, whining quietly to himself as he fiddles with his utensils.
( Things are pretty different now, I think. I don't feel like I'm gonna get in trouble just for talkin' to them, and I don't really feel like the guilt's gonna kill me anymore. But... )
Kotaro stares down at his plate, listening to the voices in the back of the cafe. They've stopped singing for the time being, and are chatting about... something or another. He can't really make out the words. But, if their tones are anything to go by, they're definitely having a good time together. Just like always.
It stings a little more.
"Ahhh, it doesn't matter!!" he suddenly says, with a bit more volume than he'd intended. Kotaro blatantly ignores the stares he knows are being directed his way, and furiously digs into his curry.
( It doesn't matter how I feel. Who gives a shit if I'm lonely or jealous or whatever stupid shit I'm feeling. I'm doing my own thing, and they're doin' theirs, and it's fine. I'll cheer 'em on until the end anyway!! )
It's easy to think that. To tell himself that he doesn't care. It's true that he'll support Vivid BAD SQUAD no matter what, but it's also true that he can tell this distance he feels isn't going to be closing anytime soon. Even if he tries to hang out, even if he tells them about important events or other happenings, even if he drops in on conversations, he'll always end up falling silent, always walk behind them on the sidewalk, and always leave without a goodbye when they stop paying him any mind.
That's just how it is for people like Kotaro. And as much as it stings, as much as he wishes he could stand alongside them, feeling like an equal...
...well, it'll likely never change. And that's nothing new.