Work Text:
This is what it's all for.
It's what everything comes down to, really. That plunge into darkness. The brief moment of awed silence before the screams reach a new, deafening volume. Videos begin to play on the screens. Cheers roll in waves, up and down, cresting and falling as the face of each idol beams out across the stadium.
And then, somehow, the sound grows even louder. Reaching a pitch that seems almost impossible, near unbearable, as the first beat of the opening track rings out and the group begins to emerge. It's raw, loud, barely contained - the first glimpse of what so many fans have been waiting on, for such a long time. The chance to share in this moment with the artists who mean so much to them,
Jungkook almost allows himself a small smile. He's been through this too many times to count. The adrenaline still pumps through him, fast as ever. He knows what it's like to be in the crowd; he knows what it's like to be on stage. Both sides feel magical still, even after all this time.
The crowd sprawled out ahead of them is a sea of colour, lightsticks held aloft, flashing in rhythm with the song. The rush of a concert means that it always goes too fast - regardless, Jungkook savours every second. Every twist, every slide, every turn. He moves almost on autopilot, hours, days, months of rehearsal leaving the choreography ingrained in his limbs, but it's not dull. That familiar thrill still courses through him.
If he could, he'd close his eyes. Let the movements fully seep into him, become entwined in his very being. Dance is something he feels, and in private he likes to let it absorb him completely. Alone in a darkened practice room with only the music and his body are some of the moments he cherishes most.
The stage, though, is his true calling. To perform. It's what scares him, what excites him, what sets him alight. Up here, he is truly alive.
He knows he puts almost too much into it. There are still two hours of the concert left and he needs to pace himself lest he burn out too fast. But it's hard to hold back sometimes. Especially at times like this. He feels as though he's waited as long as the fans have for this moment.
The first song comes to a close and the crowd is deafening. Jungkook allows himself his secret smile this time. He crouches in the final position, one beat, two beats. Three.
"Come on," rasps a hurried, whispered voice beside him. There's a sharp tug on his sleeve.
Jungkook looks out at the crowd just a moment longer. His gaze drifts to the members on stage, just for a second. Their breathing is loud in the microphones, smiles big on their faces as they wave out to the audience.
Their audience.
The tug on Jungkook's shirt grows more insistent and he lets himself be pulled offstage.
He runs down the stairs fast, trained from years of quick changes. The noise of the crowd dims but there's a new loudness down here. Taehyung and his team of stylists are all calling between each other, a frantic quality to their voices that makes Jungkook think that something has gone wrong with the wardrobe changes for the next set of songs.
The main hair and makeup team are mostly quiet and preparing their brushes and straighteners and god knows what else. The moment of calm before the group descends from the stage for the first touch ups. Jimin's making a good show of inspecting the palette in his palm, though his eyes betray him, constantly flickering worriedly over in Taehyung's direction.
In another corner of the room, the concert plays on a TV screen. The lead choreographer stands in front of it, expression serious. His carefree demeanour that Jungkook knows from outside of work soon vanishes once his job takes over. The next song is playing, a slower track that doesn't need the backing dancers and lets the members recover their breath after the energy of the opening number.
Hoseok's eyebrows lift as the dancers file past. It's almost eerie, the way he spots Jungkook without actually looking at him.
"Try not to upstage our boys too much out there, Kook."
His tone is teasing, but Jungkook knows there's an edge of warning there too. He gives a small nod in response, though he's unsure if Hoseok actually sees it.
His cheeks burn a little as they enter the dressing room. He knows Hoseok sometimes has to keep him in line in practice. His passion is a great thing, but he's a dancer, not an idol. His role is to complement and build up the performance for TXT. Not to steal the limelight, even if it might be unintentional.
There's no room for shyness as shirts are stripped off, pants discarded, new outfits quickly changed into. It's a smaller group of them going back out there this time, only six. Accompanying one member on the first solo stage of the evening.
It's not long before Jungkook's waiting back in the wings again, ready for the next song. A small surge of bitterness rises in his throat that he tries to swallow back back. It's not often that it rears up, but Hoseok's comment has unintentionally triggered just a little of it again.
As much as he loves the TXT members, thinks of them like his little brothers who he wishes every success for, deep down he can't pretend like he doesn't wish their roles were reversed. Can't pretend, either, that it doesn't hurt to know that he already had his chance and lost it.
He doesn't get too long to dwell on it, soon rushing on stage again alongside another five dancers for the next number that starts playing. The screams reach a crescendo again. Jungkook lets it wash over him. Lets it wipe away his morose thoughts and leave him anew, a fresh spark in his steps as the bass of the track kicks in.
The show passes in something of a blur, like it always does. The Parisian night air is warm on Jungkook's already sweat-soaked skin as the final song before the encore finishes. Jungkook revels in the touch of it on his body, eyes looking out at the crowd of lightsticks glowing on and off in time, a strange sort of electric beauty that Jungkook never gets tired of seeing. A visible show of love and dedication to the five guys that did what Jungkook never could.
There is a longer break for the dancers then, not returning to the stage until the final bow. Jungkook dabs the sweat from his face backstage, lets the rumble of feet and cheers from the crowd seep through him. They might not be for him, but he can still enjoy it. The euphoria of a job well done still gives a high, no matter if Jungkook's the main star or not.
"Everything okay, hyung?" Jungkook checks as he approaches a much-calmer looking Taehyung. The costume changes now all finished for the night; just the packing away and labelling and all the slower work left to wrap up the evening.
Taehyung looks up at his words, smiling bright but exhausted. His face the dazzling sort of handsome that makes Jungkook wonder why he never chose to become an idol himself.
"Just a ripped jacket that might have cost me my job," he laughs off, running a hand through slightly frazzled hair. "So you know. Same old."
Jungkook grins back. Jimin wanders over as they speak while the more junior make up assistants start packing away.
"Hopefully you're staying with us a little longer," Jimin comments playfully, giving Taehyung's arm a light squeeze. Taehyung's cheeks flush pink.
"Can't get rid of me that easily, Min."
They share a brief look that most people would miss, but Jungkook catches it. He's the only one so far on the staff team who knows that they're dating. Who knows about their romantic plans in Paris for all the time they're not required to work between shows.
Jungkook turns away, a small pang of loneliness curling in his stomach. It's always difficult on world tours, to be away from home for so long. To be away from his own person that looks at him with that amount of fondness and affection.
Jungkook wonders what Yoongi's up to right now. Perhaps still working hard in his studio on a new track after pulling an all-nighter; maybe curled up on their sofa, coffee in hand as he slowly wakes up to the world. Perhaps he's thinking about Jungkook too.
Jungkook fixes his gaze on the TV screen playing out the concert, avoiding getting too lost in his thoughts. He needs to stay focused on work and not give into the familiar distraction of imagining Yoongi's day. Of remembering how nice it feels to welcome an exhausted Yoongi home from the studio with a smile and hug and an admonishment that will go ignored. Of how nice it feels to curl up right alongside Yoongi, to receive the warmth of his touch and the sweetness of his smile.
Jungkook keeps his eyes on the screen. Yeonjun is currently talking, making finger hearts and saying something in French to the crowd that makes Beomgyu laugh, makes Taehyun pull a face. Makes the crowd go wild.
Jungkook wonders what it's like. To look out into a sea of people there for you and you only. To be the recipient of so much love and adoration. To recognise your name in a fan chant, to see people dance to your music, to hear your lyrics echoed back to you.
He wonders, sometimes, if things could ever have been different.
Jungkook knows he always tried his best. Knows too, that it wasn't enough. Can't help but wonder how things might be, if fate had run differently.
What if he had been selected for a different boy group than the one he was in. What if their debut had been properly promoted. What if the agency hadn't run out of money. What if Jungkook and his members were successful, rather than just another one of the countless rookies that don't survive their first year.
Jungkook knows he made his choice years ago. Knows that after nine years of training and a failed debut, he was twenty-five years old and back at the start with nothing to show for it. Knows that he had to decide whether to keep pursuing an idol dream that was getting further and further out of reach, or to take another road.
He knows, too, that he's lucky. That he may not be an idol, but he gets to do what he loves every day. Gets to dance until his body aches, gets to laugh with his friends on the staff team, and gets to go home to a man he knows he could never have if he was in the spotlight.
But still, what ifs are hard to shake sometimes.
Eventually Jungkook's back out on stage, taking a bow with the other dancers. His eyes sting, just a little bit, a mixture of adrenaline from the performance, sadness at the night being over, and emptiness at acknowledging the restless few days ahead before he next gets to be on stage again.
Soobin and Hueningkai both give Jungkook a smile and a small nod of their heads as they walk past, on their way to do their final waves of farewell to the crowd. Jungkook's lips curve up slightly in response. They're sweet kids, truly, and he's glad of all their success, even if it's a bit hard to bear at times.
He hangs around after the concert, pulling on a denim jacket over the tour t-shirt he wears. He feels sticky, gross and a bit deflated now it's done, and really would like to just go straight home and shower. But Taehyung and Jimin are adamant about the three of them wandering around the city a little this evening to soak in the atmosphere and Jungkook supposes he should take the opportunity to see new sights and sounds - even though the man he'd prefer to do it with is thousands of miles away.
It's early morning back home - Jungkook thinks of Yoongi, maybe snuggled up in their bedsheets, hair mussed and eyes sleepy. Thinks of his morning voice; the way he'll murmur endearments into Jungkook's neck when the younger is there and whine quietly when Jungkook tries to leave for rehearsals. The way his arms will snake around Jungkook's waist, holding him close, never wanting to let go.
Eventually they're all in a taxir and, after the pair promise not to make Jungkook feel too lonely being third-wheel in the most romantic city on earth, the trio head towards the Eiffel Tower. A tourist trap maybe but fuck it. They are tourists after all.
It's strange seeing it in real life. Like it shouldn't actually exist. The same feeling Jungkook first got when the tour stopped in NYC, the skyscrapers of all the movies and TV shows Jungkook grew up watching actually becoming a reality.
Jungkook takes a picture (or twenty) of Jimin and Taehyung stood in front of the Tower and looking sickenly loved up. Jungkook pretends to gag in order to hide his fond smile. Jimin gives him the middle finger for his troubles as Taehyung wraps an arm around Jimin's shoulders and presses a kiss to his cheek, more daring than they usually are back home. Even though it's dark, he is sure that he can see Jimin's cheeks flush pink.
"Now you!"
Jungkook huffs and switches places to stand in front of the Tower. It's a bit embarrassing to stand on his own amongst all the happy couples, so he goes for doing stupid poses rather than anything too serious. He's in the middle of contemplating whether to do a headstand for a silly photo to send Yoongi when he feels two hands on his hips from behind.
Jungkook's head swivels round, about to knock the fuck out whoever is touching him like that. Pauses when he sees, completely improbably, Yoongi smiling right back at him.
"Care to take a photo with a fan?"
Jungkook gapes, not quite believing what he's seeing. Yoongi just keeps smiling, painfully tender. He lifts up one hand, brushing a stray hair from Jungkook's forehead.
"What are you- How are you-" Jungkook tries and fails to speak, grinning easily despite his confusion. Yoongi's smile only deepens.
"I'm here to support my favourite performer," Yoongi tells him, expression soft and so fond Jungkook feels like he might burst. "Sorry I couldn't be at the actual show, but those front row tickets are fucking expensive."
Jungkook's eyes travel down to the t-shirt Yoongi is wearing beneath his leather jacket. It's a silly thing he bought Yoongi as a joke years ago, the words Jeon Jungkook's #1 fan emblazoned across the front, something Yoongi once had to wear in public as part of a long-forgotten bet. Jungkook figured that it got thrown away years ago. Somehow seeing Yoongi wearing it now boosts Jungkook more than those thousands of lights and the roar of the crowd ever could.
"Plus," Yoongi continues, voice even softer. "I missed you."
Jungkook doesn't respond with words, but by pressing his lips to Yoongi's and picking him up. Yoongi huffs out an annoyed yah! into the kiss but then wraps his legs around Jungkook's waist, so clearly isn't too upset about Jungkook's response.
"And you say we're disgusting," Jimin calls across, voice full of mirth, and no doubt taking countless photos of the pair despite his words.
"I love you," Jungkook whispers, all the adrenaline of the evening colliding into a swell of emotion he feels bloom in his chest, creeping up his throat until he feels breathless.
He kisses Yoongi again, tender, careful, and saying more than his words will ever be able to. Yoongi kisses him back and Jungkook knows that he's saying exactly the same.
♡♡♡♡
Nightimes are the loneliest. The buzz of performing long faded, the blank emptiness until he can do it all over again. Friends and family and Yoongi too far away.
The sounds of Madrid in the early hours carries through Jungkook's open window as he shifts in his bed. His roommate for this evening is out, no doubt making the most of a new country and the new opportunities for a one-night romance that the city offers.
Jungkook pulls out his phone, screen blinding in the darkness. Scrolls to the photos he's looking for, sent by Jimin. The look of surprise on Jungkook's face as he recognises Yoongi; the adoration of Yoongi's face as he smiles at Jungkook; the pair of them caught up in a kiss, Jungkook's arms around Yoongi's back, Yoongi's legs around his waist, the Eiffel Tower a perfect glittering backdrop.
Jungkook doesn't hesitate before pulling up Yoongi's number and pressing call. Barely two rings pass before Yoongi answers.
"What have I said about disturbing me at work?"
Despite Yoongi's words, there's an obvious smile in his voice. Jungkook finds himself smiling back, even though Yoongi can't see him.
"Do it more often?" Jungkook counters. "If I recall correctly, you used to be the one encouraging as many disturbances as possible. Have I lost my touch?"
Jungkook heart skitters happily. He remembers those early days of their relationship. Blushing conversations in the Big Hit corridors, Jungkook on his way to rehearsal, Yoongi on his way to the production studios. A nervous exchange of phone numbers following post-work drinks with the team.
Their first kiss, Jungkook catching Yoongi off-guard when he couldn't hold back anymore, right in the middle of Yoongi sharing a glimpse of the new Enhypen song he'd been working on. Despite the surprise of the kiss, Yoongi had returned it, tender and eager and without hesitation.
"Never," Yoongi confirms to Jungkook, voice soft. Jungkook has to take a second to recall what he last said to Yoongi. Too caught up in memories.
"Just wanted to say hi," Jungkook tells him. "I miss you."
Yoongi chuckles gently. "I miss you too. Unfortunately Big Hit doesn't pay me enough for a flight to Spain as well though."
Jungkook sighs. "Wait, you're not a millionaire? Shit, I was only with you for your money."
Yoongi plays along. "Damn. Well I guess this is over then."
"Guess so," Jungkook grins.
"Huh. Well, before we break up, could you maybe tell me about your day first?" Yoongi replies, laughter obvious in his tone. "What's Madrid like?"
As Jungkook talks, telling him about the amazing food and the buzz of the streets late in the night, his fingers fiddle with the small box between his fingers. His stomach flutters, a mixture of anticipation, nerves and excitement.
He wonders what Yoongi will say, how he will react, when he sees the silver ring inside, their initials carved into it, purchased from a sweet little shop on a Spanish side street only yesterday. Jungkook knows they can't get married back home, not legally at least - but that doesn't mean that they can't get engaged. Can't celebrate that with friends and family, and wait patiently, together, for the day that, hopefully, things will change.
Jungkook knows that the path he's on in life isn't the one he ever envisaged for himself. That there's been more cracks in the ground, more curves to the side, than he ever expected. But that doesn't mean that he's not happy with where this road has led him.
When Yoongi surprised him in Paris, it's a little like things finally fell into place. The time has truly come for Jungkook to stop looking back, to stop pondering the regrets and the what ifs.
This is the path he's on now, and it's one he wants to stay on for as long as he can.
"I'm going to have to go, baby," Yoongi says eventually, a soft sigh woven into his words. "I've really got to meet this deadline. Sorry. I'm so behind after being away last week."
A short pause before Yoongi quickly clarifies, "Which I don't regret by the way. I didn't mean-"
"It's okay," Jungkook laughs softly, "I'll let you get back to work.".
Yoongi sighs quietly, clearly not wanting to hang up despite being the one to suggest it. Yoongi's voice is low, gentle, words only ever meant for Jungkook. Jungkook instinctively presses the phone closer to his ear, as though he could almost feel the rumble of them against his skin.
"I can't wait until you're back home and we can do this in person."
Jungkook's lips curve upwards, his smile irrepressible. There is still a way to go yet, European and Middle Eastern cities still to visit, thousands more people to entertain. But Jungkook is already counting down the days until they're together again. Until he's truly home. He casts his gaze down to the small box in his palm, heart fluttering in anticipation.
"I can't wait either."