Work Text:
Austin wishes he could say he knew. Now, looking at it with the clear eyes of hindsight, it was obvious. Blatant even. But Austin hadn’t wanted to see it. He knows he’d let himself be blinded from the obvious.
He remembers the day he first saw Sue vividly. She had been with Emily, coming over for her first sleepover. The two of them had known each other for mere days, and yet she was the only thing Emily had spoken of the entire time. She was entirely obsessed with the other girl, and with the way Sue’s eyes only left Emily to politely introduce herself to the family, it seemed the feeling was shared.
Emily hadn’t had a lot of friends growing up. Austin and Emily being close in age provided for almost a built in best friendship, and she hadn’t ventured elsewhere. But apparently, Sue had been different. Their friendship had flourished so fast barely any of them had seen it coming.
Emily wasn’t the only Dickinson charmed by Sue though, their whole family found her to be polite, funny, well-mannered, and kind. Both Mr. and Mrs. Dickinson were extremely fond of her, glad Emily was finally socializing outside the family, and Lavinia had quickly taken to treating her like another older sister. Austin too, was mesmerized, he always had been. He never saw much of her unfortunately, she was always running off with Emily, but Austin enjoyed every second he spent with her. He loved when she smiled at him, she loved when she spared a moment out of her day to notice him. It had exhilarated him for as long as he could remember.
Rumours milled about Amherst, none of which were spoken directly to Austin, so he never knew the content, but he knew something was being said about Sue and Emily. He avoided it, he didn’t want to know. Emily was happy, and she was bringing Sue around, so Austin had nothing to complain about. Sue was popular amongst all the guys, and he was the only one with direct access to her when she turned inwards and only spent her time with Emily. Austin thought himself so lucky. Little did he know.
Sue’s sister dies, and suddenly she’s without a home, without a family, without money. She’s grief stricken, heartbroken, even more reclusive, only seen out with Emily and occasionally those taking care of her affairs. Austin hadn’t wanted to take advantage of Sue in this state, but he knew now was the time that she needed someone to anchor her to Amherst and make sure she had a place to live. It hadn’t been about his feelings for her, as much as he did have them. That was just a plus. Sue would be taken care of, she’d stay here with their family where she belonged, and he would marry the girl of his dreams. There seemed to be no flaws with this plan, and Sue had agreed. Austin felt nothing but relief, and utter, pure joy.
Everything came crashing down though, when it was clear Emily wasn’t happy. Austin couldn’t figure out why, really, or maybe he didn’t want to. That did always seem to be the case. He’d tried to convince her, tell her this was perfect, that she and Sue would be sisters, around each other forever. He hadn’t tried to decipher the disgusted look on her face. He figured it was Emily being Emily. He knows now he ignored all the signs. If only he’d seen the terrified, pained look on Sue’s face. He wonders if he would’ve made a different choice. He doesn’t know that he would’ve.
Following the engagement, more rumours floated around Amherst, and Austin had gotten exceptionally good at drowning them all out. The Dickinsons were a prominent family, someone always had something to say. Austin just ignores them. Later he thinks he probably should’ve listened, but as always, there wasn’t any going back now.
He remembers that night at the party, when Jane had warned him, when he hadn’t believed her and then he’d caught his sister kissing his fiancée. Austin had felt unbridled rage, and another feeling he wasn’t ready to dissect (it wasn’t shock, he knew that much). Emily had had no good explanation for it, and when Sue left, Austin hoped it was just a weird moment, a lapse in judgement. He tried to forget.
Forgetting wasn’t easy. Emily had a way of worming her way into every important moment between him and Sue and ruining it without any grace. On their fucking wedding day, Sue had gone with Emily, wrecked her dress and cried real tears for her. Once again Austin had been enraged, but that other feeling didn’t fade. He didn’t confront it, he confronted Emily. Blamed her for whatever this was. It seemed like the only option at the time, and often, he regrets it. He wonders if he had just stopped and looked at the facts, if he had just tried to understand, everything may have made sense. But it didn’t. Because he hadn’t wanted to see it.
After the honeymoon, Emily and Sue seemed to distance, a tension between the two of them that was almost thick in the air. At first, Austin had thought this to be good. His wife was distancing herself from her weird, codependent relationship with his sister, so that they could truly be husband and wife. He thought, in some twisted way, he had won. But it didn’t take him long to realize he hadn’t.
Sue was nothing like she used to be. Suddenly she was vain, bored, angry, miserable. She was a shell of herself, and everyone knew it, despite the fact they let the Dickinsons pretend everything was okay. It hurt Austin, in more ways than one, her words cut, the rumours started to dig deeper. He was quick to beg her to make up with Emily, hoping it would help, but Sue ignored his every word, turning her attention to her next salon. He hadn’t known what to do.
Nothing was right with Sue, so Austin couldn’t help but find comfort elsewhere. Both he and Jane were struggling, their lives nowhere where they expected them to be, and their bond grew faster than he expected. His happiness with her conflicted with his growing fear that he was doing the wrong thing, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself as much as he tried. Everyday Sue grew more and more distant, and this was the only real thing he’d felt in so long.
The day Billy was baptized, Austin had been too caught up in him and Jane and everything else to even smell the burning church, nevermind realize his wife had disappeared. He didn’t even spare her a second thought until they were settled in the Evergreens, gathering money for the church and someone had asked him where she was, if she was okay. Immediately, a sick feeling festered in Austin’s stomach.
He had no idea if his wife had gotten out of the burning building okay, he had no idea where she was and suddenly, he was terribly worried, and more than a little embarrassed he hadn’t thought about her. Somehow though, he knew where she was. It wasn’t that hard to guess. Sue had gone to where she always had when matters had gotten tough.
Austin excuses himself from the commotion at the house, wringing his hands as he crosses the short path back over to the homestead. Something in him knew this was going to be a moment of change in his life, the burning of the church had been more than a silly prank orchestrated by his cousins. It was a symbol.
Unlocking the door, Austin takes a deep breath, and pushes into his childhood home. At first he hears nothing, but then Sue’s melodic laughter. He let out a sigh of relief, he’d missed that laugh, and even though he’d known she was here, he couldn’t admit he hadn’t been worried.
He follows the sound, guiding him into the kitchen, and a sight he knows he should’ve been expecting. His wife stands, leaning down to kiss his sister, something clearly passionate, and not at all new. It was a practiced kiss, one that he knows has happened a million times before, no matter how much he wanted to pretend he didn’t know. It had been obvious all along, Austin just hadn’t wanted to see it, but there was no denying it now.
That feeling was back, but this time, there was no anger, he could tell Sue was at peace. Without the anger masking it, he was able to figure it out. The feeling was simply acceptance. It was the feeling you get when something that should’ve been obvious clicks way too late. A slight embarrassment but an acknowledgement that at least you finally knew. And he could deal with that. There was no point in denying the obvious, and there was no point in fighting against the inevitable. Austin knew this was how it was supposed to be, so he doesn’t make another noise.
He exits slowly, making sure to close the door as silently as possible. He didn’t want to disturb them, when clearly it had taken them a while to get to this perfectly happy state. He knows they’d all been miserable this year, and Austin was tired of living that way.
Later, when the sun has set and everyone has returned to their homes, Austin sits at the table and waits. It doesn’t take long, shortly after his parents leave, Sue returns, a happy little smile lighting up her face. It fades as soon as she sees him sitting at the table, nursing a cup of coffee that’s still warm. “Austin,” she says, her voice tremulous, almost nervous.
He doesn’t really know what he’s going to say, he had tried to think it through while he waited for her, but nothing came to him. All he could think about now, as he tries to form words, is the happy little smile she came in wearing, and the way it had so quickly faded from her face. “You married the wrong Dickinson,” he says, hoping his voice conveys the way he feels.
Sue’s eyes widen, clearly full of fear, and she immediately scrambles to come up with a response. Austin doesn’t give her enough time. “It’s okay,” he says, gesturing for her to sit across from him, “I really should’ve known.”
She sits, and they stare at each other for a long moment. He wonders what she’s thinking, wonders how this whole thing makes her feel. When she doesn’t say anything, he continues, “I think I’ve known for a long time, I was just trying to avoid the truth. I wanted to live the happy, perfect life, and I thought we could have it.”
Sue drops her eyes to the table, making circles with her fingers, clearly not wanting to acknowledge this. Austin knows she thinks she fucked this all up, and he doesn’t want her to feel that way. He should’ve known, and he thinks, if they try hard enough, with enough respect and love, they can fix this. “That’s my fault, not yours, I think you’ve always loved Emily, and I should’ve realized,” he says.
Sucking in a deep breath, she looks up at him, tears pooling in her eyes. “I didn’t want to acknowledge it either, so I can’t let you take the full blame,” she says, her voice sheepish.
Austin smiles, reaching across for her hand and squeezing it tenderly. She continues, “I saw you with Jane today, and I realized that I was trying to keep myself from something I should’ve just given into. I love Emily, I always have, I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone else the way I love her. I was lost without her, and I couldn’t keep pretending like everything was fine.”
He can’t lie. He knows how that feels. He had been feeling it with Jane, he had needed her to make things feel right. “I understand, I did that today with Jane,” he says, “I know we were both unhappy, maybe we can make this right?”
“How?” Sue asks, her voice soft, marked with the sound of still welling tears.
“Well, if we stay married, you can stay here, with Emily,” he says, carefully considering his plan, “you two belong together, that much seems obvious, and I don’t want to get in the way. Legally you’d be my wife, and we’d certainly have to put up appearances at times, but when it’s just us, to you, to her, and to me, we’d all know the truth. In all ways that matter, you can be married to Emily.”
Austin hears Sue’s sharp intake of breath, and watches as the tears spill down her cheeks. Quickly she wipes them away, masking any sign of her response. “And what about you?” she asks, always kind, always caring more about others than herself, “you’d be okay with that? You’d be okay with me being with Emily?”
She’s scared that much is obvious, the shake in her voice, the fear in her eyes. Austin never wants her to feel like that again. He loves her too much, even if it’s not in the way he should love his wife. “I’m okay with it Sue, I know you and I weren’t meant to be, I know that it has always been about Emily, and I have come to terms with it,” he reassures, “plus, I do kinda like Jane, and maybe we can find a way for this to work out for all of us.”
“There will be rumours,” Sue says, but it feels like a weak excuse from someone ready to give in.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Austin states, he thinks he can handle it this time.
“And Jane would be okay with this arrangement too?” Sue asks.
“I think she’ll be more than happy, she wanted to marry me you know,” he says, fake boasting in his voice, “and… not to alarm you, but I’m pretty sure she knows about you and Emily.”
Sue lets out a watery laugh. “Yeah, that wouldn’t surprise me,” she says, “I’ve heard those rumours.”
Austin laughs too, and for a moment, they just enjoy each other’s company. “I would love it if we could live like that,” Sue eventually says, “both of us happy, with our people, all of us together. You can even tell Jane about Emily and I, if you want.”
“I think that’s a good start,” he says, squeezing her hand once more, “everything’s going to be alright, I promise. We’re gonna be happy from here on out.”
Austin proves to be right.
Everything is a bit of a mess at first, Jane was not surprised, but nonetheless shocked at the proposal of the situation, as was Emily. But, both of them had settled and agreed when they realized that this was the best way for them all to win, for them all to get what they want.
Sure enough, rumours are spread. Austin hears them, but they bounce right off. It doesn’t matter what they think, because his life is perfect.
Later that year, they’re all curled around the fireplace, Billy in Emily’s lap as she reads him a story. Sue’s cuddled close to her, an arm thrown around her waist in a way that was more than common ever since he’d found out about them. He’s next to Jane, his hand running mindlessly through blonde hair as they both listen to the story and enjoy the warmth of the fire.
Austin feels the warmth down to his very soul. This is exactly where he’s meant to be, with the people he loves most. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be this content again.
He knows out in Amherst, the people are cooking up another set of rumours. There’s always a new one about the Dickinsons and Jane, but he couldn’t care less. This time he doesn’t hear them, but not because he’s trying to avoid the obvious, not because he’s trying to soften the blow. He just doesn’t care what everyone else thinks. This was perfect, and their words mean nothing.