Chapter Text
Midyear of 842
“I know you don’t feel the same.” She inhaled deeply. “But I’ll wait until the day you might return them.” She gave the best confident smile she could muster and gave him a hug just like she always did in the past. “And if you never will, then I’ll still be here. I was your friend first before I actually felt anything else.”
“I truly am flattered. But…I don’t think a relationship is something I have in mind in my future. Ever. I’m sorry, Rose.” Erwin gave a soft sigh as he returned the hug.
“It’s alright…but don’t go acting like a stranger. I’ve stolen books before where these people don’t stay friends after a confession, and I don’t want that to happen.” She gave him a stern look. “So don’t you dare act too weird. Well, I know it will be weird, but I don’t want our…” She stopped to count with her fingers. “9 years of friendship to just go ‘Poof!’ all of a sudden because of this!”
They separated from the hug as what she said made him chuckle softly, nodding to her statement.
“Of course. I know if anyone can stay friends with me, it will be you, with your headstrong personality and all.” His smile made her melt a little inside. This man, with all his smarts, crazy theories, and unbelievable drive, all these gave her the image of an extraordinary man with unbelievably big dreams. But he was also a man who she had shared countless memories with. Joking around, drinking, sharing stories, aspirations, even their past. Fighting alongside him, having each other’s backs, she understood that beneath laid an ordinary man with sorrow and guilt. An ordinary man who felt loneliness and pain. And she wanted to always be there for him.
And she naively thought that she would continue being beside him. Somehow never getting any closer than she already has, but also never going any farther either.
That is until…
Midyear of 843
“Erwin, the new gear that the scouts ordered…is…here…” She slowly stopped mid-sentence, seeing the state of both men in front of her. One seated, the other still somewhat leaning close towards the other. Both disheveled. Too close. Red in the face with swollen lips.
“Rose…”
It took almost a minute before Rose could gather enough strength to continue speaking.
“And I came to give you the papers you need to look over so you can report on what you’ll be needing for your squad.” Her voice slightly quivered as both men continued to stare at her, still a bit wide-eyed.
“…Yes. I’ll take a look at them later. I’ll have someone send you the report once done. Thank you, Rose.” he nodded.
“Right. I’ll be off then. Good afternoon.” And without another word, she quickly turned and briskly walked away.
“She won’t tell anyone, will she?” Levi asked.
It took Erwin a few seconds before he could answer. “No… I don’t think she will…”
--
Indeed, she didn’t. For she had sprinted as soon as she was safely away from the office, out into the training grounds, grabbing her gear and flying off into the woods. Her eyes stung with tears she refused to allow to fall. Thoughts racing, emotions going haywire.
No. She wanted to be alone where she could gather her thoughts before she did something she would later regret.
It had been more or less a year since that day, and they had stayed friends even though there were awkward moments. Then a few months ago, Erwin had recruited a couple of thugs from the underground. She was wary of them, as most were, but she knew more, being Erwin’s confidant. She knew that after Erwin had confirmed that Levi was to be trusted, they had started becoming close at an alarmingly fast rate.
She sat on a high branch, staring into nothingness as her tears slowly fell down her cheeks. Time quickly passed, minutes turned into hours, and before she knew it, the sun was already setting. Her thoughts ran, feeling numbness, then confusion, then anger, then pain, and finally, sorrowful acceptance.
She held on to that small hope for so long that maybe he would someday feel the same. But deep inside she knew that he would never put anything above his goal. That she was content with being beside him as his best friend. His confidant. And yet…life has its ways of screwing you over. They know each other so well, that it was almost painful how at the end of her long introspection, she understood why this happened.
She never had a chance. Not because he swung the other way (she knew he actually swung both ways), but because she didn’t have something he so desperately desired in a person. And she has realized that what she lacked, Levi possessed.
“It seems I’ve truly lost. No use in denying it anymore…” she scoffed mirthlessly, the sound cracking at her scratchy throat. A few stray tears still fell, but she had finally gained her composure after spending hours mulling everything over. She wobblily stood, stretching to wake up her sleeping legs.
Recklessly taking a step forward, her foot gave out and she almost fell from the branch. Heart hammering, she grabbed tightly onto the branch and stretched her feet for a few more minutes. That would have been a dumb way to die.
Heart starting to calm down, she heard a crunch to her right and sharply looked in the direction she heard it from.
At the base of the tree stood Mike, a person whom she considered a good friend. They spoke very little, but they had always seemed to have this silent camaraderie that most probably wouldn't notice. Mike also being Erwin's close friend has led them to become closer as well.
Had he been watching her, or had he just arrived? She wouldn’t have known, being in her own world in the last hours.
“Hey…”
“Do you need help?” he asked.
She considered it for a moment and accepted that she probably didn’t have enough energy to go back before dinner alone. She still had extra duties to accomplish, after all.
“Yes. Please...”
Being acquainted through Erwin, they’ve known each other just as long as she and Erwin have. The only times they've truly spoken to one another was whenever there were coincidences where they meet in the mess hall or training ground and Erwin isn’t around, they have small quiet conversations, usually, Survey Corps related or just unimportant small talk. They’ve also worked together on the field, and they have since then become somewhat close to call each other good friends.
Mike went up to help her stand, letting her wrap an arm around his neck for support so they could zip back down. Rose sat on the ground for a few minutes, both staying silent. Soon after, they started slowly walking back to base.
“Thank you.”
“You’ve had a long day. Let yourself rest when we get back. I’ll tell your fellow cooks you won’t be able to come tonight. You need to rest, I’m sure they’ll understand.”
With slight hesitation, she answered.
“Thank you, Mike. Really.” She smiled up at him. “Thank you,” she said, looking down, and letting a final tear fall.
She’s tired. but she won’t let this get her down forever. She won’t be okay anytime soon, no. But she’ll power through it somehow, just like everything else she had had to power through. But unlike before, it seems she won't be alone. And after thinking about it for a long while, this isn’t as bad as she had initially thought it to be. She'll just have to hope that she and Erwin will patch things up after this.
Honestly, she held little hope that he’d reciprocate her feelings. And although she thought he would stay single forever, never even considering he’d actually find someone else, now that she’s in a relatively better state of mind compared to when she initially found out, she now feels bittersweet about it. After all, Erwin was her best friend, first and foremost. And although it hurt, a small part of her feels relief that he had finally let someone completely in. Or is allowing someone to completely get in.
"Did you know?"
"I suspected," there a moment of silence before he continued, "I could sometimes smell their scents mingling in the morning."
There was more silence until Rose let out a small giggle.
"Your nose really is both a gift and a curse, huh?" she smiled sadly.
"You don't want to know more, that's for sure." he huffs, which was met with another short giggle.
As Mike walked behind Rose, he couldn't stop the small smile from appearing on his face. he was glad that he was able to give her a little happiness after today's event.
--
In the next months, expeditions haven’t been going as awful as they usually did. Ever since Erwin was elevated to squad leader, he had more influence and was able to show that his strategies worked. This was evident when there would be fewer or no casualties in his squad. he gained further influence when Rose became a squad leader as well. The two of them worked well together to convince their fellow soldiers that their strategies worked.
She had great influence on the soldiers, being able to get them to work together smoother than they ever have in the past. She may not have the skill or physique to kill titans alone, but having such great teamwork, her squad has the most coordinated titan kills than any other squad, Rose having the most assists.
Shadis had begrudgingly accepted to have Erwin and Rose in strategic meetings after Rose had managed to convince him.
However, things haven’t gone as well as Rose hoped they would. Not concerning Erwin, that is. She knew she shouldn’t feel anger. But she still did. Working through it as much as she could as the months passed, the anger, pain, and sadness she felt did slowly diminish.
But it never disappeared.
She didn’t sit with Erwin in the mess hall anymore when he actually came to eat. She didn’t bring him food in his office like she used to, nor did she nag him into resting in the middle of the night. She didn’t get to have late-night tea with him either, nor did she struggle to carry his humungous self to his bed when he fell asleep on his desk, dead to the world, exhausted. Even as a squad leader, he spent most of his time trying to strategize, make plans, and train. Even when most of the time his strategies were barely recognized by Shadis, he still kept them for when the day comes when he’d be able to use them at a larger scale.
No…someone else has taken over the role for her. She had barely been able to talk to him outside of strategic meetings and fleeting conversations regarding the status of the Survey Corps. And it’s not because they didn’t want to speak to each other. They just never have the opportunity to anymore. Erwin has someone else he can lean on now. Someone he can rely on more than he has ever relied on her. And whenever she tries to rationalize that it’s not because he has broken ties with her, she’s met with the painful realization that he just doesn’t need her anymore outside of being a soldier. Everything they had; he now has in Levi.
She had no particular physical skill. Mediocre maneuvering, less than average strength. But she had always been praised for being level-headed, having such great control over her emotions, and being able to understand them to a level that most people could only wish they had. Having a great eye also gave her great aptitude for strategy. It was one of her greatest strengths aside from being a magnificent cook. It was enough to catch Erwin’s attention back when she worked in the kitchen of the Training Corps. She could read the emotion of every person in the room and use it to her advantage to have everyone feel included. She was able to advise people on things related to socialization so well that some even came directly to her for advice. but she never really became close to any of those people. They praised her for her talent, but she had such control that she was able to maintain a safe distance from them.
The only reason Erwin had been able to become more than just an acquaintance to her was because Nile Dok was her younger brother, and Erwin and Nile had been close friends back in their trainee days.
She remembered her little brother introducing her to the tall blonds. Mike spoke very little to her, but Erwin was the one who caught her attention the most. He was less impassive back then. She was able to see that he had more to him than the enthusiasm he showed about joining the Survey Corps. They conversed often, initially because Erwin asked Nile to have her sit with them. But soon they started becoming friends and had late-night conversations on their own. She became enthralled by his intelligence, and he in turn became fascinated with her control with all things related to people.
After a few months, he had been able to convince her to join the Training Corps, going against her and Nile’s parents. She was never really close to her parents, so their decision to disown her had little effect. She had a few friends in the kitchen staff, not to mention she had started becoming friends with Mike. She was most glad, however, that Nile was still by her side. And of course, Erwin had become her close friend and supported her the entire time.
Despite being late, Rose had been able to get herself a special entry after having a number of conversations with the Commander of the Training Corps. near the end of their trainee days, a lot of things happened. Mostly revolving around a woman both Nile and Erwin fancied.
When the time came to choose their branches, Erwin chose to pursue his dream and joined the Survey Corps, and Nile severed ties with Erwin and joined the Military Police to have a life with Marie. Nile had come to her many a night, asking for advice on how to woo Marie. He had spent many nights with Erwin as well, conversing about how he felt about Marie. Back then, she didn’t harbor any feelings for him aside from friendship. She was torn between her close friend and her little brother. In the end, she became a pillar for Erwin when he and Marie broke up, joining him in the Survey Corps. Though she did remain on good terms with her younger brother, still having somewhat irregular contact with him.
It was only three years later when Erwin had become a squad leader did she start to have feelings for him. It was a slow process. She never saw it until it was already too late because it had been such a slow process. Their closeness never felt like it went beyond the boundaries of being his closest friend and confidant. But one day during her introspections, she realized that she hoped for more than just friendship from him.
A year later she had unintentionally expressed her feeling to him. and now, half a year later since her confession, she watches as someone else fills the role she had longed for.
Year-end of 853
It all happened so fast. They were on their latest expedition where Erwin had requested Levi to be temporarily put in Rose’s squad so that Erwin could quell some of Levi’s doubts on Rose. They had fought a number of times over whether she was worthy when he could see that her skills in combat were far from exemplary for a squad leader.
“She’s a great leader, Levi. her strength doesn’t lie on any physical feats, but her ability to strategize and coordinate attacks and have her team all working perfectly together are enough to compensate for any weakness she has.”
Levi untangles himself from Erwin on the bed, lying flat on his back, an arm under his head.
“If a titan were to attack her, she wouldn’t be able to defend herself and she’d be eaten in a flash. Do you expect me to believe that teamwork alone is what has been keeping her alive all this time?” Levi scowled.
“She has survived this long with the most assists, hasn’t she? She’s stronger than you think she is, Levi.” Erwin hasn’t spoken to her outside of soldier duties, but he hasn’t forgotten the years of friendship they had. Even if that friendship has started to have distance.
“Tch.”
“What’s this really about, Levi?” Erwin knowingly asked.
“What do you mean? Do you think I’m…” Erwin could hear the disgust in Levi’s voice as he uttered, “…jealous?”
Erwin softly chuckled. “I doubt you feel none, it would only be natural to feel that. But no.”
“No? Then what do you think then, if you’re so sure?” Levi huffed.
“You’re worried. I know you aren’t as cold-hearted as you want others to think you are. I don’t think this is coming from a place of jealousy.”
“She’s one of your weaknesses,” he said bluntly.
Levi was met with silence. It stretched for a few minutes before Erwin broke it with a sigh.
“I’m confident that she can handle herself.”
“Tch. Whatever. If you say so.”
Levi being in Rose’s team was a disaster from the beginning. Levi refused to follow Rose’s commands, and her team was starting to become angry at the disrespect he showed their squad leader. The delicate balance Rose had held up for so long had crumbled in the first few moments Levi joined her team. Rose tried to reason with him, trying to make him understand that this team operated in a certain way. Rose had been informed by Shadis a few days before the expedition, so she had time to incorporate Levi into her team’s dynamic.
But much to her dismay, Levi refused to listen. And everything went into chaos when several titans unexpectedly appeared, with Levi further disrupting the team’s synergy with his uncharacteristically bullheaded attitude of trying to make the soldiers understand that teamwork won’t save you when you’re alone.
“Levi, being independent is a great asset, and every soldier knows that. But in a team, we always have each other’s backs, and the risk of facing danger alone is little. Teamwork has given us a much greater advantage, but that has never erased the fact that we’re all still prepared as much as we can when the event of getting separated does occur!”
It was, in short, a mess, and it only spiraled faster from there when Levi tried to take down one of the titans alone.
Rose had always had contingencies. Many, in fact, just so that their survivability would increase. But even if the chances of not being prepared for something unexpected were low, it is never zero.
Even with Levi’s superior skill, he’s still human. Mistakes can be made, and he failed to notice a titan in his blind spot.
“AAAAGH!!!”
For a second, everything slowed down.
As Levi slew the titan in front of him, he turned his head a fraction to see a titan dangerously close to him, seeing Rose’s leg in a titan’s mouth as she dangled like a doll trying to get free from it.
In the next few moments, the entire team as well as Levi had jumped into action to kill the titans. The team made coordinated attacks as taught to them to get Rose free from the titan, while Levi killed the remaining few that surrounded them. Everything had mercifully gone smoothly and one of the members was able to lay Rose on the cart they had with them and proceeded to administer first aid on her right leg that was now missing from the knee down.
She was sobbing in pain, trying to stop herself from screaming lest it attracted more titans as cloth was tightened onto her leg to stop it from bleeding. She felt pain in several places in her body, battered and bruised, probably with a number of broken bones from struggling while dangling from the titan’s mouth.
The jostling she’s constantly receiving in the cart as they continued to travel made matters worse, with all the movement making everything more painful.
Commander Shadis then decided with utmost reluctance that retreating and trying to save her would be the best course of action. With this sudden onslaught of titans, he had lost too many soldiers to think that proceeding would gain anything of value. And loath as he does to say it, He had slowly been warming up to the idea that Erwin and Rose were indeed vital to the success of future expeditions.
Upon entering the walls, the same crowd gathered to ridicule them.
Rose’s squad paid them no mind, finally able to relax more, and are now consumed with the fear of losing their squad leader.
Levi was no better. His thoughts were running a mile a minute, racing with thoughts of the recent events.
Erwin had a grim look on his face, he too had his thoughts racing with the recent events.
No one expected this to happen.
Not Shadis, not Levi, not Rose’s team, not even Rose herself…
And especially not Erwin.
Rose was announced alive but temporarily out of commission and was committed to the nearest medical building, expected to stay there for about two months to receive treatment and recuperate from the injuries she received.
Erwin still tried his best to maintain his composure and plan as much as he could for the upcoming expeditions, but Rose’s near-fatal incident had taken a toll on him.
Unbearable guilt.
That was all he felt in the first few days upon returning to base. he buried himself in work to try to drown out the immense guilt he felt for probably being the reason this happened.
Levi hadn’t been able to help him, because he himself was drowning in his own guilt.
Both men took the time to recollect their thoughts, trying to make sense of the horrible incident.
While they isolated themselves, Rose was in her own form of isolation, being alone most of the time after being operated on by the doctor.
It was a turning point for them, that is for sure.