Chapter Text
“Lucy this was wonderful, thank you so much for all the hard work you did!”
Levy’s gratitude warmed Lucy’s heart as she finished gathering up wrapping paper and ribbons into a trash bag. She smiled at her best friend and took a seat next to her at the table overflowing with gifts. Her gaze swept across the room one more time, making sure all the decorations had been taken down, then she focused on Levy once more. They were alone since Gajeel and Lily had left to find a cart they could use to get everything back to their house.
“It was my pleasure Levy, I really enjoyed it.” she enthused as she relaxed against her chair. “It’s the least I could do for my best friend and my future niece or nephew. And this baby shower really couldn't have gone better I think.”
Levy smiled down at her belly that was now double its normal size. Her hands lay gently against it, already tenderly cradling the life that was growing there.
“I can’t believe it’ll only be another three months before we finally get to meet this little one.” Levy admitted. “I’m kind of freaking out, but at the same time, I think Gajeel and I are as prepared as you can be for a baby.”
Lucy reached over to place her hand on top of Levy’s just in time to feel a kick that stole Levy’s breath for a second and caused Lucy to chuckle.
“You’re going to be great parents. If nothing else, this baby is going to be so loved it won’t have the ability to turn out anything but wonderful.”
A nod was Levy’s response as she looked back to her stomach, getting caught up in a daydream. Lucy’s joy was real for her friend who was more like a sister. The sister she’d dreamed of having as a child. If she’d had to wish this type of happiness on anyone it would have been Levy and Gajeel. In that moment of quiet, Lucy envisioned something like it for herself. Having someone love her as much as Gajeel loved Levy, starting a family together, it sounded like the perfect dream.
“You ladies ready to head outta here?”
Gajeel’s entrance pulled both girls from their thoughts. They looked at each other for a moment to confirm and then both nodded at Gajeel. The restaurant they’d rented a room in would take care of the rest of the clean up now that Lucy had taken down all the decorations so all that was left was loading the gifts.
After three trips for her, Gajeel, and Lily, everything was in its place. Lucy hugged Levy tightly as Gajeel and Lily checked one last time to ensure everything was secured.
“I don’t think I can ever repay you for this Lu.” Levy gushed.
“You’ll never have to.” Lucy promised.
A sniffle caught Lucy’s attention and she leaned back to find Levy’s eyes full of tears.
“Damn hormones.” Levy grumbled as she wiped at the tears.
Lucy laughed just as a cold wind blew through eliciting shivers from both of them. Lucy pulled her coat tight and turned back to the cart.
“Gajeel, you better get this momma home before she freezes.” she called in a mock serious tone.
Gajeel hopped down off the cart and pulled Lucy into a hug.
“Now that is a plan I don’t mind going with.” he responded, making her laugh once more. “Thanks again Blondie.”
Gajeel released her and then reached out to tuck Levy against his side. She leaned into him, an easy smile on her face as she gazed up at him. No amount of cold weather would affect her when Gajeel was around. Lucy looked on, happy for her friends but still a bit jealous. Their journey to finding one another hadn’t been easy, but they had so many years together ahead of them. If Lucy were in their position, she could see how all the hardships would be worth it.
Waving to Lily, Lucy bade her friends goodbye and headed towards her apartment. She was looking forward to a nice soak in her tub at home. Later she’d find Natsu and see if he wanted to go to dinner. A sense of contentment enveloped her that only came from a job well done, pushing back the melancholy that threatened to take over.
‘Someday I’ll have that as well.’ she thought as she walked down the street.
Her fingers involuntarily went to the remnant of Aquarius’ key she kept around her neck.
‘After I find you again Aquarius. Even if I tried for a family now, it wouldn’t feel whole without you.’
The faint smell of something sugary and spicy drew her out of her own musings and encouraged her to look around. Citizens bustled up and down the streets, some alone, some with family or friends. Some rushed about in a hurry, others strolled along looking into shop windows. When she listened there were so many voices to keep track of they blended into background noise. Every now and then the soothing sound was punctuated with laughter or angry words. At a cross street she could hear the sounds of a market a street over. Vendors were shouting their wares, craftsmen banging and buzzing as they worked on their next creation, and the loud hum of the people continued as they walked by, each in their own worlds.
A deep breath brought with it the smoky smell of meat cooking over a fire, baked goods full of spices, and cold air that filled her lungs so fully she thought they may freeze.
Another wind blew through, making her stuff her hands into her pockets with a smile as she remembered some of the reasons why she loved Magnolia so much. The people were all so nice and the different seasons made changes so completely it was almost like living in a new place every time they changed.
Autumn was well on its way and Winter wouldn’t linger far behind. For Lucy the two tended to blend together. Such a wonderful time of the year. The cold could be miserable but she still found so many things about it enjoyable. Hot cocoa by a fire. Warm, fuzzy coats and blankets. Ice skating and sledding. It was a time to reclaim some of the childlike wonder adults usually lost so that you could look at things with new eyes. Lucy always seemed to find her hope again in the winter time. A season to prepare for something new. An ending of a current chapter, eagerly awaiting the start of the next.
With a renewed sense of purpose, Lucy hurried on towards her apartment. Something in the air made her feel invigorated. There was something coming, something on the horizon. So close she couldn't help but rush forward to seize it.
Her heart rate was elevated by the time she reached her building, though she hadn't been walking all that fast. Simply going up the stairs made it feel like her heart would burst from her chest and the warmth of the building felt a little oppressive in her coat. She began unbuttoning it as she reached the second floor. The quiet that met her as she unlocked her apartment took her off guard. For a moment she simply stood in the door feeling as if something was missing until she realized she had half expected to find Natsu and Happy sitting on her couch waiting for her to get back.
‘They probably found some mischief to get up to while I was busy.’ she assumed with a shrug. ‘I’ll find them after I take a bath.’
Shrugging her coat the rest of the way off and hanging it on it’s peg by the door, she moved towards her couch to remove her shoes. But before she got far an envelope propped up on her writing desk caught her eye. Even from across the room she could see her name written across it in Happy’s sloppy handwriting.
“Weird, why would Happy leave me something.” she muttered to herself.
Curiosity got the better of her so she detoured to her desk before she did anything, unsealing the letter quickly.
‘Dear Lucy,
First off, I just want to say I’m sorry.
I know you’re gonna be real upset when you read this and that makes me sad.
Natsu decided to go on a mission today, a real hard one, so we will probably be gone for a while. At least a few months, but this is supposed to be tough so it may be longer.
I tried to get him to change his mind, to wait until you could go with us, or to even just tell you we were going but he wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t even tell me why.
He doesn’t know I left you this letter, he thought I was just going to town to get fish for the trip, but I stopped here too.
I’m real sorry Lucy. I’ll keep trying to get him to come home, and I’ll send you letters so you know we’re okay.
Hopefully I’ll be able to talk sense into Natsu and we’ll be back real soon. If not, I hope you won’t hate me for this. I’ll miss you Lucy.
Love,
Happy.”
For several moments Lucy just stared at the words Happy had written. They were gone? Again? This couldn’t be real. The air was suddenly absent as she reread the words over and over, praying they would magically change. It was hard to breathe even as her lungs worked overtime. Her limbs were numb and it was like her brain suddenly stopped processing anything besides the words on the paper in her hands. Shock was the only thing Lucy was feeling until suddenly her feet began to move of their own accord. She barely remembered to grab her bag before she was out the door, sprinting down the steps and out of her building. Glad she’d worn pants and sensible shoes for the party, Lucy went as fast as she could without running into anyone. The cold air stung her bare arms at first, but the longer she ran the less she felt it. The people around her looked at her curiously as she ran headlong down the road headed for the guild. She could only imagine what a sight she must be, but at the same time couldn’t bring herself to care. She had to get to the guild. Surely Natsu and Happy would be there waiting for her, already giggling over having tricked her into thinking they were gone. If Happy’s letter were real, if they really were gone, perhaps she could still catch them.
For the most part she was able to avoid the more congested areas until she reached the market not far from the guild hall. The forced slow down chafed at her, but she knew it would only be worse if she knocked anyone down. In this crowd that would cause a commotion much larger than she wanted to deal with.
She was small and so able to slip between people, but it meant she also couldn’t see over the crowd very well. When she finally broke past the crowds she nearly tripped at being suddenly released from the press of the crowd. It was only a few more blocks to the guild hall. Her lungs burned with the exertion of running and her heart pounded so hard she wouldn’t have been surprised if the people around her could hear it. It was late afternoon on a Saturday so the open air cafes were packed, everyone out enjoying the cool weather or resting after making their way through the market. Lucy had quite the audience for her reckless dash towards Fairy Tail.
The familiar sight of her guild normally comforted her, made her feel like she was at home more than even her apartment did, but in this situation she was anything but comforted. The main door was open, much to her relief, so she was barely impeded as she ran up to the bar where Mirajane was standing, speaking to Laxus.
“Mira!” she exclaimed, not bothering to apologize, she was in too big a hurry, “Please tell me Natsu didn’t take a mission today.” She begged, panting hard.
“Natsu? Yes, he came and got a mission this morning. He said it was for the three of you.” Mira explained, her brow wrinkling in confusion.
Her confirmation caused tears to prick Lucy’s eyes.
“No, he didn’t say anything to me about it.” she managed past the tears now blocking her throat. “I was going to look for him and Happy so we could get dinner together.”
Her tone was going a little hysterical, but even as she realized it she couldn’t do anything to stop it. That was when she saw Happy’s letter, still clutched in her hand.
“Look, Happy left me this.” she exclaimed, holding it out.
Instead of Mira, Laxus reached out and took the letter from her. It didn’t take him long to read it over and as he handed it to Mira a muscle ticked in his jaw.
“I’m going to find the Old Man.” he said simply and he walked off.
Mira put the letter down after reading it and took Lucy’s hand.
“I thought he was going to wait until after the baby shower so the three of you could go. I’m sorry Lucy, if I had realized he was going without you I wouldn’t have given it to him.”
A sob caught in her throat as she turned to scan the guild hall. No sign of the pink haired wizard or his blue companion.
“Lucy?” Mira questioned.
“I can’t do this again Mira.” she admitted, turning back to the older girl.
Mira’s eyes misted over as she took in the look on Lucy’s face. She squeezed Lucy’s hand, but it didn’t do much to release the feeling of her heart being gripped tightly by something.
“I’m going to check their house.” Lucy decided suddenly and took off back out of the guild hall again before Mira could respond.
“Hey Lucy, what’s -” Gray’s greeting as he walked towards the guild hall with Juvia was lost as Lucy raced past them.
“Lucy?” Juvia called after her.
There was no time to explain. Maybe they hadn’t left yet and she could still knock some sense into Natsu. They didn’t live far from the guild hall and Lucy ran as hard as she could, but when she burst through the door of Natsu and Happy’s house she found it dark and quiet. Without letting herself think about the implications of that she was off again.
She should have asked Mira where the mission was so she would have some idea of which gate they’d be leaving out of but since she didn’t she headed for the nearest one. She didn’t recognize any of the guards but they recognized her and greeted her with confused faces. As she doubled over, trying to catch enough breath to ask them if they’d seen Natsu, their confusion doubled, mixing with a fair bit of concern. One of them brought her some water and patted her back as she sipped at it.
“You alright Ms. Lucy?”
“I’m not sure yet, thank you,” she said as she handed him back his canteen. “Please tell me you’ve seen Natsu today.”
Surely if they knew her they’d know him. Most of the guards shook their heads looking around at the others for confirmation, but one poked his head out of the guard shack.
“I saw him and Happy flyin’ out of the city a couple hours ago, afore my shift started.”
The words were needles popping the bubble of hope that she’d been carrying since she read Happy’s letter. He’d really left her again. Why? Why had he left this time? She felt a sob catching in her chest so she thanked the guards and hurried away.
The first empty alleyway she found became the location for her breakdown. She dropped to her knees, tucked between the two buildings, letting the sobs take over her. Muffling herself with her arm, she lets the emotions out unchecked. The heartache she felt when Natsu left the first time was doubled this time. In that instant, it was all she actually felt. The coldness of the ground and of the air stopped registering. No sounds seemed to penetrate the fog that now took over her brain. Even without having her head buried in her arms she wouldn’t have been able to see past the tears. It was all empty and she was floating along in the nothingness, alone except for the pain in her heart.
The first time Natsu had left made sense. He was looking for the strength to beat Acnologia, but at least he’d left her a letter himself then. As upset as she’d been then, she could understand why he’d done it. He wouldn’t have been able to find the power he had if she’d been with him. She slowed him down and he had to worry about protecting her. This time she had no clue as to why he’d left. But if Happy was trying to talk him out of going this time and he didn’t listen, she couldn’t see how he was going for any good reason.
There was no evidence to say that Natsu’s leaving was anything to do with her, but he’d promised her after they’d defeated Zeref and Acnologia that they’d be together, so why had he broken that promise? If he wouldn’t even tell her he was leaving didn’t that mean it was her fault? Or that she at least had something to do with it? Natsu did dumb things sometimes, but he wouldn’t have left without telling her if nothing was wrong, especially not with what Happy’s letter had said. It simply didn’t make any sense and it was making her head hurt nearly as much as her heart the more she thought about it.
When a pair of hands that somehow managed to be colder than the air around her lifted her head up she couldn’t have said if minutes or hours had passed. She’d had no idea how long she sat there, crying and feeling lost. Like she’d been split into pieces and some of them were missing.
“Come on, Lucy, say something to me.”
Gray’s words didn’t register at first, her mind was a mess, focused only on the thought that Natsu was gone. The touch of Gray’s hands on her face barely registered, the numbness in her body and soul persisting. She blinked up at him through bleary eyes, unable to clearly make out his face. If he hadn’t spoken she’d have no idea who was kneeling in front of her.
“Snap out of it Lucy, you’re scaring everybody. You’ve been gone for hours, no one knew where you’d gone when we didn’t find you at Natsu and Happy’s. Come on, let me take you back to the guild. Or to Gajeel and Levy’s place.”
“I want to go home, Gray.” She said softly, having no energy left for anything more. She wasn’t even sure if tears were streaming down her face anymore.
“There’s no way I’m leaving you alone right now. You can stay with Juvia, or I’m sure Levy would let you stay with her and Gajeel.”
“No Gray, take me home please.”
“That’s not happening Lucy.” He said firmly, slipping an arm around her back and beneath her legs before lifting her from the ground. “I’m fully aware of how much we all screwed up when Master Makarov disbanded the guild. We all assumed you’d gone off with someone else and we left you to fend for yourself. I know I speak for us all when we say, we aren’t going to make that mistake again.”
“I want to go home.”
Gray sighed as they made their way through town, Lucy’s head tucked into his shoulder, her hands laying in her lap.
“If you insist on going home, someone is going to stay with you. Otherwise you’re staying at the guild hall. We have to go there first anyway. Warren says Master Makarov wants to talk to you.”
“Okay.”
They were silent for a short time before Gray spoke again.
“I think what scared us the most was that Warren couldn’t talk to you. He said he could reach out to you, but there was something blocking the connection.”
Lucy wasn’t sure what to say, or was it that she didn’t have the energy to? She wasn’t sure of a whole lot at the moment. In fact the one thing she really was sure of was that she couldn’t go through this again.
“He left me, Gray.”
The quiet admission left her feeling even emptier than before as Gray’s fingers gripped her tighter.
“I know Luce. I’m gonna kick that flamebrain’s ass when I catch up to him.”
A tear leaked out of her eye, sliding down her cheek until it dropped onto Gray’s shirt and disappeared.
“I’m going to freeze him into a block of ice so thick he won’t be able to burn his way out.”
Lucy let him rant for a minute before she scrounged up the strength to lift her hand and lay it against his chest. In an instant he was quiet again.
“Thank you, Gray.”
“For what?”
“Making me feel like I’m worth staying for.”
Gray stumbled a bit at that.
“You are worth it Lucy. I don’t know what the hell is going on in that empty head of his, but Natsu knows it too.”
Lucy didn’t say anything else and the rest of their journey back to the guild was silent. As they went, Lucy heard voices, but they were speaking so softly she couldn’t understand most of them. What she did catch were mostly questions, asking if she was alright, asking Gray where he found her, and asking each other if anyone had any idea why Natsu would do this. She wished she could answer that question as well. No one seemed to have any answers though.
Gray took her into one of the smaller sitting rooms and placed her gently into one of the armchairs there. He tucked a blanket around her and then took a seat on the couch next to it. A couch that was already occupied by Juvia and Wendy, Carla sitting in Wendy’s lap. Lucy looked around the room, Erza was there, standing with Laxus and Mira behind the wheelchair that Master Makarov somehow managed to make seem more like a throne. Gajeel was in one of the other armchairs, Levy wasn’t to be found. All the S-Class wizards minus Gildarts, all the Dragon Slayers minus Natsu, and all Lucy’s closest friends minus Levy.
Lucy looked questioningly to Gajeel trying to form the words that floated in her mind but he somehow knew what she was wondering.
“Levy was tired after the party, she was sleeping when Warren contacted me. I left her with Lily, he’ll let her know that I came to the guild hall but he wasn’t going to say anything about Natsu yet.” Gajeel quickly explained.
Lucy nodded and Erza dove right in.
“Gray, Gajeel and myself will be going to retrieve Natsu.” She said with authority. “One of us should be able to convince him to return home.”
“I don’t know if that will work, Erza.” Wendy broke in.
“Yes, according to the letter the tomcat left Lucy, Natsu isn’t listening to even him. If he won’t listen to Happy, I don’t think he’d listen to anyone.” Added Carla.
“And if he thinks you’re going to force him home he’s only going to get more stubborn about it.” Finished Wendy.
“He has started this mission under false pretenses, a Fairy Tail wizard does not conduct themselves in this manner. He has forfeited the right to complete the mission.” Erza insisted.
“As much as we may all agree with that, when has anything like that ever stopped Natsu before?” Gray questioned.
“When has something like that ever stopped any of us?” Agreed Laxus.
There were nods and grunts of assent around the room. Going on missions you’re technically not supposed to might as well be a prerequisite for becoming a Fairy Tail wizard.
While her friends continued to debate a course of action, Lucy became lost in thought. She knew the real reason they all wanted to drag Natsu home by the ear. Her.
Her breakdown and inability to function without Natsu had them all worried about her, so they wanted to bring him back to her. But even if they did, would that solve anything? It wouldn’t change the fact that Natsu left in the first place. He chose to leave her behind, knowing what he’d said in the past. Knowing what it had done to her the first time he’d left. Whatever his reason, whether it truly had anything to do with her or not, he was gone. The injury had already been sustained, it couldn’t be undone. Now it could only heal and become a scar. A reminder. Perhaps she’d been too trusting. That had certainly gotten her in trouble in the past. With that fake Salamander in Hargeon where she’d first met Natsu. With Michelle, her counterfeit cousin who turned out to be her childhood doll. With the mission she thought was specifically for Celestial Wizards when her spirits had briefly turned against her. Even after all these years, all the messes that blind trust had gotten her into, she had learned nothing. This would be the last time. Bringing Natsu back now, before his mission was finished, wouldn’t accomplish anything. Lucy couldn’t go back to how she was, even just a few hours ago.
Lucy needed to ease her friends’ worry. She needed to let them know that she could get through this. She had lived for 17 years without Natsu and gotten along just fine, she could do it again. This could either break her or make her stronger. Levy could still go on missions for another few weeks, and once she couldn’t Lucy would be able to find missions on her own, it wouldn’t be the first time that she had. Or she could pair up with Wendy when she wasn’t going on missions with Romeo. She’d gone on missions with Gray and Juvia before as well. She’d be fine.
Lucy looked up at Master Makarov only to find him already looking at her. He studied her for a few more moments and then nodded slightly. It was like he could read her mind and he agreed with what she’d concluded.
Standing up from her seat effectively silenced everyone else in the room.
“Let Natsu finish his job.” She urged quietly, but firmly. “He must have had his reasons for doing what he did. There’s nothing to be gained by going after him now.”
“But Lucy-” Erza began.
“What’s been done can’t be undone Erza. Natsu has made his choice. Does it make me feel left behind or discarded? Yes.” She admitted, tears beginning to flow again, “Do I feel like I did something wrong? Absolutely. I feel betrayed. I feel useless and unwanted.” *sniffle* “But I’m going to feel that way whether you bring Natsu back or not. So the only real choice is for me to move on. Natsu doesn’t owe me anything. We aren’t anything more than guildmates, we never made each other any promises -” her voice broke on the word, on the lie, “ - so it’s fine. He can go on jobs on his own and I’ll find my own, or someone else to go with.”
“Lucy.” Wendy sniffled, “you’re not just guildmates.”
“It’s okay Wendy. I’m okay.” She assured the young girl, forcing a smile.
Wiping the tears from her face, Lucy gave everyone a wobbly smile.
“If you don’t need me for anything else Master, I’m going to go home. I’ve had a long day and I think I’m going to go to bed early.
“Of course my child.”
Gray started to get up but Lucy laid a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m fine Gray.”
As she turned and left the room she heard Gajeel speak.
“Levy’ll be checking on her as soon as she wakes up and hears what happened.”
If Gray replied, Lucy didn’t hear it. She was hurrying through the guild hall, thankful no one was stopping her. As she exited the building she paused and took a deep breath. Everything felt so fractured, like a cracked mirror where the edges of the image didn’t line up properly anymore.
Forcing the numbness from her limbs Lucy headed back to her apartment. The sun was beginning to go down and the chill in the air was deepening. It was the first time she’d noticed it since she left her apartment.
It had been so nice earlier in the day. The sun had been shining, it was warm with only barest chill. Now, just like everything else in her life had changed in a blink, so did the weather. Autumn wasn’t on its way, it was here.
Lucy held tight to Aquarius’ key as she walked, smiling at the people who said hello even though she was sure it never reached her eyes. No one commented if they noticed.
‘First order of business, figure out how to pick up the pieces by myself. I know I have the others still, but I don’t even want to lean on them as much anymore.’
The thought sparked a bit of anger in her. Not only did Natsu ruin their friendship by leaving, but he also tainted all of her other friendships. How was she supposed to maintain those friendships if, in the back of her mind, she was now afraid they’d leave her too?
By the time she reached her apartment she was fuming. She slammed her door behind her and tossed her purse onto its hook angrily. Stupid Natsu, ruining everything.
She sat at her table and ripped her shoes off, tossing them into the corner with more force than necessary. It was like the more she let it out the worse the anger built. Wasn’t it supposed to make you feel better to throw stuff? Even as she undressed and balled her clothes up to throw into her hamper she only felt more angry. It was moments like these where she almost wished she had elemental magic like Natsu or Gray. Something she could lash out with. A magic she could go somewhere remote and just scream out her frustration, blasting everything around her with fire or ice. She’d never truly trade her spirits for anything but they weren’t exactly good for venting frustration.
As she headed for the bathroom a picture on her wall caught her eye. A photo from when Natsu sent the Rainbow Sakura tree down the river for her. She studied it for a few moments, half tempted to throw it out the window, but as tempting as the idea was she couldn’t bring herself to do it. The memory of that night managed to cool her anger, but once it was gone and she only felt sad again, Lucy wished it hadn’t. It was easier to feel the anger instead of the sadness. The sadness left her feeling cold and numb.
The silence that filled the apartment as she sat in her bath was crushing. As much as she hated when Natsu would burst into her apartment unannounced and uninvited, she found herself longing for it in that moment. She meant what she’d said at the guild, she felt like she’d done something wrong or that she wasn’t wanted. Natsu was her closest friend, her confidant, and her protector when she wasn’t able to protect herself. He was her other half, and now he was gone, taking that part of her with him.
After her bath, Lucy sat on her bed, staring out the window watching the stars slowly light up the night sky. She had nothing to occupy herself with, but it was too early to sleep. How long would this lost feeling last?
A knock at her door drew her attention away from the window, reminding her of what Gajeel had said about Levy.
“Lucy, you’d better let me in or I’ll get Gajeel to break this damn door down!” she heard Levy call when she was a little slow getting to the door.
Lucy hurried to unlock the door, the tone Levy was using told her that she wasn’t kidding about having Gajeel break the door.
The door was barely open before Levy was pushing her way through, throwing her arms around Lucy as much as she could with her belly between them.
“Tell me what you need Lu. I’ll hunt down Natsu myself and give him the beating of a lifetime if that’s what you want. Or you come to our place and we’ll make dinner. Or I’ll find a mission for us if you want to get out of town for a while. What can I do?”
Levy’s words caused Lucy’s eyes to fill with tears but she blinked them away. She didn’t want to cry anymore.
“We can find a mission tomorrow if you want Levy, but I’ll be okay. I think I just need some time to process everything. The floor basically fell out from underneath me and I’m figuring out how to manage my new reality.”
Noticing that Gajeel hovered in the doorway Lucy waved him inside, moving to the table to have a seat.
“I can wait in the hall if you ladies need to have some girl time. Or I can go get us some chow.”
“I’m not hungry, thank you Gajeel.” Lucy interjected before Levy could say anything. “You don’t have to wait outside, I don’t mind if you hear.”
“Lucy, have you eaten anything at all today besides what you snacked on at the party? That hardly counts as a meal.” Levy questioned, sitting next to her.
The concern on Levy’s face was real, Lucy couldn’t remember her friend ever giving her that look before. She really wanted to help.
“I ate breakfast this morning, but I really don’t think I could stomach anything right now.” she admitted, pulling her feet up into her chair and wrapping her arms around her legs.
Gajeel came the rest of the way into the room and took the seat across from Lucy, though he pushed back from the table some. He’d already heard what Lucy had said at the guild hall but he cared, and Lucy could tell he wasn’t there for Levy alone.
“Talk to me Lu. I don’t know how to help or even what questions to ask.” Levy pleaded when the silence stretched on for a couple minutes.
“I’m not sure anyone can do anything Levy. I’m having to figure out where to go from here. I don’t know why Natsu did what he did, only what Happy’s letter said. It didn’t seem like he really had an idea either. He tried to talk Natsu out of it and Natsu still left.”
“Is that what’s been staying in the front of your mind? That he left?”
Lucy nodded at her friend.
“Last time wasn’t this bad, I mean, it was awful and I was upset, but he left me a letter that time and he gave me a valid reason. He wanted to get stronger to fight Acnologia, but this time I can’t think of a reason why he’d leave and not tell me goodbye. Happy’s letter sounded like he didn’t understand what was going on either. So my brain is jumping to conclusions and making assumptions that all reflect very badly on me. I must have done something or he’s finally gotten tired of rescuing me all the time.”
“Lucy no!” Levy exclaimed. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Why else would he leave Levy? Why else would he go and leave me behind without so much as a goodbye?” Lucy argued.
“You can’t blame yourself for Natsu’s decisions, Lucy.”
“Levy’s right, Blondie. Whatever the Salamander’s reasons for leavin’ the blame is all his. If he were to explain everything to anyone and he tried sayin’ it was your fault, they’d tell him he was bein’ a bigger idiot than usual.” Gajeel added.
“Even if that’s what everyone else thinks, that isn’t what my head is telling me. It seems like there’s something I was supposed to do and I didn’t, or something I wasn’t supposed to do that I did do. I feel the need to carry the blame for this, but I don’t know what I’m taking the blame for. I’m an adult and I need to take responsibility if it’s something I’ve done.”
“What could you have possibly done that would warrant this reaction Lucy?” Levy asked in a soft voice. “What would anyone have done to have someone as close to them as Natsu is to you, leave like this?”
Lucy wracked her brain, searching for anything that could be the reason. Natsu had been a little frustrated about her not being able to go on any long missions and when she’d first started helping Levy out he’d complained that she was ignoring him. Nothing else in her recent memory stood out as a reason for Natsu to be upset.
“I don’t know Levy. When I first started going on the shorter missions with you he’d been upset because I wasn’t spending as much time with him, but I apologized and did better about splitting my time more evenly after that. And when he’d complain about not going on any of the bigger jobs because I couldn’t go I told him I’d make other arrangements for you if he wanted to that bad. He shrugged it off and said he’d wait until after you had the baby.”
“Well, then if it’s either of those reasons then he has no leg to stand on. He needs to use his words instead of expecting you to read his mind. He can’t run away like this with no word of why he’s leaving or where he’s going just because he’s mad. Even if he has a reason to be upset about something or to have hurt feelings, he’s forfeited it by running away without addressing the situation. If it is that you had hurt him somehow, and he tried talking to you about it, then you might be partially to blame. That’s if you’ve done something. Were he to come back and explain that, that’s what happened, then maybe you could feel a little bad about that. But him just leaving? He’s responsible for the decisions he makes.”
Lucy rested her chin on her knees, looking at her table, but not really seeing it.
“Why doesn’t that make me feel any better?” she asked quietly.
“Because you still care about him, he’s your best friend.” Levy replied just as quiet.
Blinking rapidly again, Lucy nodded.
“I know, in the long run, I’ll be okay, but right now it really hurts.” she admitted.
“It’s okay that it hurts.” Levy assured her. “It’s okay to feel all the things that you’re feeling right now. You’ll find that some of them will go away as your heart and mind are ready to accept the truth. A lot of those negatives, the feelings of abandonment, of being left behind, discarded, unwanted and useless, you’ll realize that’s not who you are. You are so loved, by so many Lucy. We all see who you really are. Whatever may be going through his head, Natsu does too. He loves you Lucy.”
Lucy couldn’t help but scoff at that.
“Love makes people do dumb things, Blondie.”
“Yeah, he would know.” Levy chimed in. “What Natsu has done isn’t right, his feelings don’t absolve him of that. But what he’s done by running away also doesn’t mean he doesn’t have those feelings. Or that you don’t feel the same for him.”
Shaking her head in denial, Lucy stood and began pacing. With so many other feelings stacking up inside of her she couldn’t handle acknowledging those feelings too.
“Natsu doesn’t feel like that. He feels the same thing for me that he feels for Happy. You said it yourself, we’re best friends.”
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you’re not looking back at him. It’s the softest look Natsu has ever worn and you’re the only one he looks at like that.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.” Lucy denied with another shake of her head.
“Yes it does. It’s the same look Gajeel has on his face when he looks at me.”
That stopped Lucy in her tracks. She knew what look Levy was talking about. She’d seen it on Gajeel’s face herself. More and more as the baby’s due date got closer.
“Natsu doesn’t look at me like that. Even if he did, he’s never done anything that would suggest he feels for me what the two of you feel for each other.”
“Dragon slayers are different.” Gajeel stated in a firm voice. “And Salamander’s different than the rest of us. Thanks to what our parents did for us, we won’t become dragons physically but that don’t mean the instincts ain’t there. We’re just as protective and just as fierce as real dragons when the ones we love are threatened. And we’re just as possessive and greedy. We all find something to be greedy about, for some of us we eventually find a person to feel that way about. Someone we’d give up everything for and do anything to protect. Salamander feels that way about you but he doesn’t know how to show it in any kind of normal situation. But put ya in danger or have someone come sniffing around ya, the dragon’ll come out real quick.”
“Then why would he leave?” Lucy asked, her voice tight.
She still wanted to deny it, but she knew that they were right about how she felt, and Gajeel would know better than her about all the dragon stuff.
“Something’s got his scales rubbed the wrong way. Can’t say what, and while I’m agreein’ with Levy that it ain’t yer fault, I think it may be connected to ya somehow.”
“He probably needs to talk to someone.” Levy proposed, “If Gajeel is right and he’s feeling confused about you…” she trailed off with a shrug.
“I’m the only one he talks to about that sort of stuff, and only very rarely.” she finished the thought.
Lucy slumped back into her chair, still not feeling any better.
“Stupid dragons.” she muttered.
Levy reached out a hand to Lucy who took it with a squeeze.
“We’ll be here to help you through it Lu.” Levy assured her.
“I don’t think I can keep going through this Levy. This time it just hurts too much. You’re right, I love him. I have for a long time. But things can’t go back to how they were before.”
“What do you mean?”
“When Natsu gets back, I don’t think I can be friends with him anymore. Not like we were before. I can’t leave myself open to feeling this way again.”
Levy opened her mouth to say something, but Gajeel laid a hand on her shoulder. She looked back at him and something passed between them that Lucy couldn’t read. With a sigh her friend turned back to her.
“I’ll support you no matter what Lu, but I hope you won’t let this harden your heart and take away your kindness.”
“I have to let it harden my heart, Levy. At least when it comes to Natsu. If he’s going to keep doing this I can’t keep giving him the opportunity. Not if he’s going to keep walking away only to come back thinking there won’t be any consequences.”
With another squeeze to her hand, Levy nodded.
“Okay, I’ll do what you need me to.” she promised, standing from her seat. “Try to get some sleep tonight okay? We’ll go look for jobs at the guild tomorrow.”
Lucy stood as well, folding her friend into a tight hug.
“I will. Meet for breakfast?”
“Come to our place, Lily said he wants pancakes.” Levy said with a smile.
“I’ll be there.” Lucy agreed.
Once Gajeel and Levy had left Lucy curled up on her bed clutching a pillow to her stomach. She thought about Natsu, acknowledging the feelings for him she’d always denied. Something had always been there between the two of them, something neither one of them would acknowledge. For Natsu, she’s not sure that he knew how to acknowledge his feelings in any way but how he had. He was constantly by her side, seeking her out. The majority of their time was spent together. As embarrassing as he could be with his lack of personal boundaries, it was something he didn’t do with anyone else. Assuming that he had the same feelings that she did, and continuing on letting him show them the only way he knew to was just easier than bringing it up. It was easier than actually talking about it. She regretted that deeply now. It felt like she’d gotten too invested, thinking there was more than there was, and now she was the only one hurting when it was gone. Better to have at least tried and had a reason for feeling this way than to just be left behind without knowing why.
Tears flowed, but not as many as when she first discovered he was gone. She gave herself ten more minutes of feeling sorry for herself and then she dried her eyes and slipped under her blanket. In the morning she’d make a plan. Before Natsu got back she had to make some changes.
“Goodbye Natsu. I’m sorry that I was never honest with you, that I wasn’t willing to risk what we had for something that might have been better. I was a coward, I allowed you to protect me, I leaned on you for nearly everything. Now it’s time for me to stand on my own. I won’t stop loving you, but I can't keep leaning on other people. I have to become independent. I miss you, probably always will. Being alone doesn’t have to be a bad thing and that’s what I’m striving towards. I hope you find what you’re looking for on your job. I hate that it has to be this way now, but when you get home, you won’t recognize me. I’ll be stronger and more self-sufficient than ever before. No one will ever have to rescue me again.”