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To my Jaemin,
I remember the first time we met.
That day was my first time back on the rink in years, and even though I made you trip you were so kind to me, a gentle soul with a bright smile. I’ll never forget the warmth of your hands over mine, teaching me how to keep my balance, or the way your eyes lit up when I was finally able to let go of your hands and skate on my own without your help. You took me to the confectionery shop afterwards and bought me something hot to drink and you wrote your number on my cup, and I’m so glad you did. I’m so glad I met you, Jaemin.
I’ll never be able to forget the feeling of falling in love with you. The butterflies in my stomach when you looked at me, and the way I would get goosebumps every time you touched me could never be recreated. I always looked forward to the new places you’d take me to, the movies you’d choose when I stayed over at your place, the food you’d cook for me, the gifts you’d give me, and the way you kissed me when I told you I loved you, the way you held my face afterwards and promised me the world and all the stars hung in the sky make me wonder what went wrong, how we ended up the way we did, and I wonder if maybe we had different meanings of sincerity, and different views of what forever means.
For the years we were together, you made me the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve never met anyone quite like you, Jaemin. You made me feel the most special I’ve ever felt in my life, and I think I’d give everything just to hear you tell me you love me, or to hear you say that everything will be okay when my situation is difficult, or for you to be there for me the next time I cry just one last time, or maybe just any kind of closure, something that’ll let me move on completely.
When we broke up, I felt like I lost everything. I put my all into you. You were my other half, my reason to keep going, and I lost all of that in one moment. I cried for weeks after you left. I blamed myself for not being able to make you stay. I wonder if you did the same, too. I wonder, do you still think about me the way I think about you? Do you miss me? The way I held your hand, the way I kissed you, the way I touched you, the way I comforted you, the way we could lay down and chat for hours upon hours of both everything and nothing at all? Do you regret leaving? Do you regret not looking back? Are you happy?
Do I really want to know?
Sometimes I think, maybe this was meant to happen. I’ve learned so much about myself since we broke up. I’m growing and maturing as my own person, as Huang Renjun instead of simply just Na Jaemin’s boyfriend. I found myself outside of you, and I’m learning to love and treasure the person I am today, and for that reason there is nothing I regret, and nothing I would go back in time to change. Maybe it’s just that everything good must, and will come to an end, sooner or later.
I don’t have much else to say that I haven’t already said to you. You know me better than anyone else, Jaem. You don’t have to write me back if you don’t want to, but I needed to get all of this off my chest for my own sanity, and there’s no better person to tell this to than you.
No matter how many years pass, I will never forget you, Jaemin. I will love you, always and forever, in this lifetime and the next.
Thank you for everything,
– Renjun.
Dear Renjun,
To what do I owe the pleasure of hearing from my beau after such a long time?
(If you couldn’t tell, I’ve been studying literature. Go figure!)
In all seriousness, it’s so good to hear from you and to know you’re doing okay. I worried about you for a long time after I left, but I didn’t think it was right to try to talk to you while the wound was still fresh, and then it just seemed as if both of us had moved on from that chapter of our lives.
You’ve always had such a way with your words, Renjun. I loved that about you so much – you’re creative, and you’re passionate about the things you say to the point where I can feel the emotions you felt while you were writing that letter. It’s a big part of the reason I fell in love with you, along with your smile, the way your face lit up any time you saw something you liked, how dedicated you were to your craft – when you started something, you focused on it until the very end, and you did the same thing with our relationship.
To be honest, there are a lot of things I regret not doing, and a lot of words I regret not saying. I regret all the times I never said I love you, and all the times I could have done more to make you feel like I loved you. It still haunts me a little bit, because I think if I had been braver back then, or more open about the way I felt, we might’ve never separated. It’s ironic – I was so scared of heartbreak and losing you that I forced myself to walk on eggshells, and I ended up losing you because of it.
Towards the end, I felt myself slipping away more and more, as if I was just a shell of what I was at the beginning. We felt so distant. It felt like we didn’t know each other at all, and I take the blame for that. I’m sorry for shutting myself out, and for not putting in as much effort as you were, because I know how hard you were trying to save us. You were my first love – my only love, and the second I noticed things starting to change for the worse, I panicked. I never fell out of love with you, Jun. I wanted to leave before you did, because I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much, but I was wrong.
I think about you all the time. I do miss you, so much, more than you could ever imagine. Out of every person I’ve met in all my years in life, you made the biggest impact on me, and I’m so grateful for it. I wouldn’t change the time we spent together for anything, but just like you, our breakup gave me an opportunity to grow. I’ve learned to be a little bit bolder, and not to hold myself back, and it’s all thanks to you, Renjun, who taught me how to love myself back then.
To say “I love you” is something I’m not sure I’m ready to do yet, but I’m sure I will be sometime in the future, and if you give me the chance, I’d love to fall in love with you all over again. This time, I promise your meaning of forever.
If you’re still in the area, I’d love to treat you to a cup of coffee. Let me know?
— Your Jaemin.