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Hyunjin was laying in his bed, gentle music playing through his headphones as he was holding onto his pillow tightly. The snow outside was slowly falling and creating the illusion that time had slowed down. In the moment of stillness and peace, in the moment of snowflakes melting on the window before disappearing, Hyunjin was holding onto the memory of every word that he could hear playing in his mind. He refused to let go of the image of a smile more beautiful than the piled up snow outside and of eyes, which shined brighter than the star on top of the Christmas tree in their living room.
Hyunjin tighetend the hold on his pillow as a door opened and he felt presence in his room. Cracking one eye open, he was met with the very smile that made his heart squeeze in its ribcage. Wiping down a tear that had unknowingly escaped his eyes, Hyunjin turned to the newcomer and smiled back at him,
‘Hey, Lix’, he whispered, still attempting to find his voice after it was lost in between the memories of a deeper one.
Felix giggled cutely, letting the crinkles around his eyes appear and even if Hyunjin didn’t know what the laugh was about, he couldn’t help but chuckle alongside the man in front of him. It might have been an attempt to get rid of the tight feeling in his chest because he felt like crying a bit too much this afternoon and the reason behind it was standing in front of him, as beautiful as always.
‘I’m bored Hyunjinie’, Felix whined and started walking towards Hyunjin’s bed with the most adorable pout on his face.
‘Mmm’, the dark-haired man responded as he turned the opposite way and buried his face in the blankets.
‘Oh come on, everyone went back to their parents’ house and Chan is in the studio again’, Hyunjin could hear Felix’s pout as the shorter man was speaking and smiled fondly while his face was hidden.
‘Go to play games instead then.’, Hyunjin murmured before he felt a weight on top of him through the blankets and groaned loudly.
‘No!’Felix squealed and started laughing loudly as he squeezed Hyunjin as much as he could, given the access he had to the man.
‘But I’m tired Felix, I just want to lay down in bed today’, the taller man whined underneath all the weight pressing on him.
‘Alright then I’ll lay down with you’, the blonde exclaimed and suddenly the body on top of Hyunjin was gone. The man finally removed the blanket from his face and looked at Felix, once again. Gosh, Felix looked so good up close that it always made Hyunjin tremble and he couldn’t make the excuse of feeling cold because the heating in the dorm was turned up to the maximum (Felix hated the cold and nobody could refuse him a single thing).
‘Do what you want.’, said the older man as he tried to close his eyes and protect himself from the blinding light in front of him, the Sun itself in the human form of Lee Felix. Said Sun made a squealing happy sound as he made himself comfortable in Hyunjin’s bed. Felix, as clingy as he always was, threw a leg on top of Hyunjin’s and held the other man as close as physically possible. As if the dark-haired boy didn’t already struggle enough, Felix’s tiny hand reluctantly reached out to Hyunjin’s bigger one and shyly intertwined them.
‘Is this okay?’, the blonde whispered, even though it was just the two of them in the room which made everything feel even more intimate and was messing with Hyunjin’s head and heart even more.
‘Sure, yeah, it’s fine.’, said the taller man after a short pause, as if his heartbeat wasn’t running at 100 miles per second. Felix was bad for his health, he really was. Barely five minutes ago, Hyunjin had been enjoying his solitude and the longing towards the man he knew he could never have. Towards the smile, he wishes Hyunjin was always the reason behind.The soft and small fingers that Hyunjin wishes he could kiss every morning just to show how much he adores them. The small giggles that Hyunjin wishes he could feel on his lips, mixed with his own breath.The freckles that Hyunjin wishes he could trace with his lips and if he could do that he would never stargaze again (he once made that promise to the moon) because he would have the most beautiful constellations in front of him, at the tip of his fingers, each night.But the only thing that Hyunjin could do was hold Felix’s hand just a tiny bit tighter, to try and silently show him that he loves him just a tiny bit more every single time Felix laughs.
They stayed like this for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s presence in the warmth of their home and the stillness of the falling snow outside the window. At some point, Felix moved even closer to Hyunjin and slowly buried his face in the dark haired man’s neck. And Hyunjin was scared, he was scared because he could now feel the blonde’s breath and the slight touch of plump lips on his skin and Hyunjin was scared because his heart was now beating even faster and Felix was way too close and would definitely be able to hear it.
‘Hyunjinnie, are you okay?’Felix murmured after a short pause and looked up to the other man with his big eyes which held Hyunjin’s entire heart captive. ‘Your pulse is quicker than usual’, he questioned with a gaze, turning a tiny bit more worried than it was a minute ago.
‘Um’, Hyunjin’s brain short-cutted and he let out a strained laugh, ‘Yeah well, it’s just,’, he stopped himself because what was he supposed to say? That this is his natural reaction to Felix’s presence because he’s so madly in love with him that it hurts him every day and makes every love song sound as if it was written for the beauty in front of him? Was he supposed to admit that every flower he paints in the middle of the night when the world is sleeping makes him think of Felix, Felix, Felix, but no flower he illustrated on the canvas could ever compare to the way the blonde man bloomed when he smiled. But the man kept looking at him with worried eyes and his small hand which wasn’t holding Hyunjin’s moved up to the taller man’s cheek and gently traced it.
‘What is it?’, Felix insisted and Hyunjin was just a man and his control was breaking and the proximity was clouding his mind too much, so when the blonde was about to move his hand away, the dark haired man grabbed it instead to keep it there, to feel the softness on his face a little bit longer, to further feed his longing.
‘It’s you’, Hyunjin whispered, too scared to use his voice and too scared of the consequences that his words might bear. For a while they just stayed like that, looking at each other, when Felix just questioned in a confused ‘Huh?’, looking as if he was out of breath as well and Hyunjin wondered what he would feel if he were to look for Felix’s pulse right now.
Instead, Hyunjin moved his face closer to the other, closer than he’s ever been and crossed the invisible boundary that he has never allowed himself to do until now. He moved closer and closer until his lips were just a fraction away from Felix’s and their quickened breaths mingled together. Hyunjin, while holding the other’s hand, moved it down from his face, only to place it on his chest, right where his heart was beating faster than it ever has. He let Felix feel it before repeating,
‘It’s you.’, and he couldn't say anything else, he couldn’t physically say more and couldn’t reveal himself further because even with these two simple words it felt like Hyunjin was giving away his fragile heart right into the clumsy hands of the smaller man in front of him.
Then, silently Felix took his other hand away from the intertwined fingers which were still covered under the blanket and between their bodies. Hyunjin felt like with the warmth gone, both his hand and heart froze for a second before they started shaking in fear that the man will leave, that he’s fucked everything up now and Felix will run away and nothing will ever be the same. The anxious thoughts in his brain were spreading and spreading and Hyunjin couldn’t do anything to stop them because he was just so scared.
But then Felix grabbed Hyunjin’s hand and started moving it up and the older man couldn’t do anything but let himself be guided by the one in front of him, the one that was always in front of him, even when he closed his eyes. Then, the movement stopped and Hyunjin looked down only to see that his hand was placed on top of Felix’s chest now and it took him a minute to process, to realise and feel. He felt the erratic heartbeat coming from the blonde, it was so strong and suddenly so loud that Hyunjin wondered how he didn’t hear it until now as it was so prominent.
The taller man looked back up to Felix’s eyes and saw so much emotion and noticed tears starting to build up slowly which made him panic for a moment before he heard the whisper of
‘Me too’, he felt the words and the breath on his lips, which were so close to the other’s. And with both men, holding onto each others’ hearts they spent seconds, minutes, maybe even hours looking into each others’ eyes, filled with vulnerability and revealing wordless secrets and silent apologies. As they looked at each other, the only thing they could do was quietly say,
‘Felix’
‘Hyunjin’
With their names spoken in between the small distance of their mouths, with breaths that were trembling and heartbeats silencing the ambience in the room, with love confessions piling up quicker than the snow outside, Hyunjin moved closer to Felix and finally closed the distance between them. The hitch of the blonde’s breath just before their lips touched was a sound that Hyunjin would repeat in his mind each night before he fell asleep from then on.
The touch of soft lips that Hyunjin had longed for emitted not just sparks but fire through his entire body. They stayed like this, just lips on lips, feeling each other and their beating hearts, holding each other and scared that the other would run away. They stayed like that until they didn’t, until Felix was the one to move his lips on top of the other into a real kiss. Felix caught Hyunjin’s plump bottom lip between his and kissed it again and again before deepening their kiss even more.
Hyunjin knew that at this point his entire body must be shaking from the overwhelming feelings and sensations he was feeling and the only thing he could do was wrap one of his hands around Felix’s small waist and put the other one at the back of his head, where he buried his fingers in soft blonde locks. He pulled him closer, closer, closer, until nothing was close enough and he licked at Felix’s lips, quietly asking for entrance which was immediately allowed.
The first touch of their tongues made them both groan as they held tighter onto each other and lost themselves in the sensations of a first kiss and first love. Time had seemingly slowed down due to the snow falling outside but it had now stopped for both men who were immersed in a moment unbreakable and kisses uncountable.
They kissed each other and Hyunjin was sure that this is what heaven felt like, he never imagined that a feeling so strong and outworldly could be activated by someone’s lips on his. But it was Felix and Felix’s hands pulling Hyunjin’s dark lock’s made Hyunjin see stars and made him want more of this, more of him, as he kept exploring the warm mouth and soft lips of the most beautiful man he had ever laid his eyes on, on the man that he’s been longing for ever since he found out what love means.
And they both knew that they shouldn’t, what they were doing was bad and risky and they were better off suffering silently and watching the man of their dreams from afar. They had too much at stake to give up and let their feelings guide them but it might have been impossible to avoid this moment. Ever since they met and found home in each other’s eyes, ever since they grew up alongside their feelings for each other until the feelings were so strong that they threatened to tear their bodies apart from the intensity of them. Until the falling snow, two days before Christmas whispered promises of love. And neither of them could stop it, neither of them could keep controlling it, not anymore.
And the heated kisses were turning more passionate and by the time Hyunjin felt a soft hand underneath his shirt, he knew he needed to stop or he would never be able to stop, he was losing his mind as it is and they were risking too much with doors unlocked.
‘Felix’, Hyunjin threatened fondly as he grabbed the other’s hand only to emit a whine which made the taller man giggle. They finally pulled apart, to take a breath and properly look at each other again. And Hyunjin was in so much pain because Felix’s soft hair was so messy and he was flushed all over, his hooded eyes were dark and freckles tainted red as he was trying to catch his breath. The older man was sure that he was in a similar condition but couldn’t help it and decided that admiring Felix was his first priority and catching his breath - second.
The two men tried to fix each other’s hair and both started giggling like a couple of teenagers in-love. And in love they were. As Hyunjin kissed Felix’s cheeks as he had always dreamt of doing and Felix kissed Hyunjin’s eyes with love so loud that Hyunjin wondered how he never heard it before.
‘Felix I-’, Hyunjin started as they were both looking at each other fondly
‘Hmm?’, the blonde cutely tilted his head with interest, which took an extra piece of Hyunjin’s already shattered heart over this man.
‘Felix I… I know that this is wrong’, Hyunjin said and saw the way Felix’s smile started falling which forced him to hurry up
‘I know that this is wrong but I just...I can’t live without loving you’, Hyunjin placed his hand on Felix’s hot cheeks and smiled before continuing
‘And I don’t think I can live without having you’, he whispered as Felix’s smile bloomed once again,
‘So if you would let me, can you - can you please allow me to give you my heart’, Hyunjin said shyly and looked down with blush rising on his cheeks.
He felt a hand running through the dark locks of his hair and lips fondly touching his forehead which made him see fairies all around them. And then, words that Hyunjin didn’t expect and would have never been prepared to hear came out of those plump swollen lips,
‘Hyunjin, I love you.’, the taller man’s breath hitched and his heart stopped for a second after hearing these words.
‘I love you Hyunjin’, he continued, ‘And I would rather have you and give you my own heart every day behind closed doors instead of having you only in my dreams.’,Felix took a shaky breath as he intertwined their fingers once again, ‘It’s you Hyunjin. It’s always been you.’
The snow outside kept falling and so did Hyunjin.
But this time around he knew, he knew that he wasn’t falling alone.
And he smiled.