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He knows. Nico knows he can’t love Percy.
It’s all wrong; he shouldn’t be in love with Percy. It should be Annabeth, or Thalia, or another girl. Not a boy. It’s wrong, it’s so wrong-
All his life, Nico’s been told that homosexuals were dirty, and disgusting, and deviant. They were shamed and called slurs and beaten and killed. Nico hadn’t known what he was feeling when he was younger; he’d thought he’d grow into liking girls, like the other boys at school. Then he’d been thrust into the Lotus Casino.
No one really paid attention to anyone else there; it was a mindless pit of controllers and screens. When he and Bianca had been pulled out into the 21st century, it was different. And strange.
Nico didn’t see anything about homosexuals. The most he’d seen was two men holding hands, but they’d noticed him staring and quickly let go of each other. Nico had wanted to go up to them and ask them why they’d do that; surely they knew that it wouldn’t end well for them? But he’d just moved on, his face flushed and eyes glued to the ground. He hadn’t wanted to be mistaken for one of them.
The 21st century was far weirder than he’d thought. For starters, there was so much strange technology he hadn’t seen. In a romance sense… it was very open. Couples hugged each other in public frequently, and he often saw a couple sharing kisses. It was always normal people, though; always a man and a woman. That’s how it should be, Nico had thought to himself at the time. That’s normal.
So when Nico realized his growing feelings for Percy, he’d shut them down straight away. I can’t be one of them, he’d thought desperately. It’s wrong. It’s just confusion.
But ignoring his feelings only made them grow. It hurt, sometimes; Percy was so much better than him, in so many ways. Percy had a beautiful sort-of-girlfriend, he was a hero, and he was normal – all things that Nico could never be. He was a son of Hades, doomed to live a tragic life and die young. He would never be happy; he knew this. So why was his pull towards the son of Poseidon so strong?
Sometimes, when Nico was trying to get to sleep at night while on the run, he’d let himself imagine Percy. His confidence, his sea-green eyes, his skill in sword fighting, his strong arms… that was usually when Nico cut himself off. He refused to fall victim to the curse placed on him; he was not in love with Percy. Yet despite his denial, his obsession with Percy only intensified.
Nico is twelve years old, and he hates himself. Though he’s tried to suppress it, Nico knows he’s in love with Percy Jackson. He dreams about him at night – not the prophetic dreams all demigods have, but normal ones, where Percy forgets Annabeth and swears to always stay with him, and they hold each other for the rest of time. Those days, Nico is in a foul mood.
At the same time, Nico hates Percy. How dare he be so… alluring? He bewitched Nico with his sarcastic smile and bright eyes, and now Nico is cursed with these horrible emotions. Percy gets to be the normal, perfect hero, and Nico is stuck as the homosexual son of Hades.
Some days, Nico didn’t do anything, not even bothering to practice his powers or steal some food to survive on. He’d find a dark, secluded place and hole up for hours on end, staring at his sword. He found out that though the Stygian Iron wouldn’t suck his own soul into the Underworld, it was pretty sharp, and could do some serious damage. Nico had never been more appreciative of his long-sleeved aviator jacket.
Everything was unfair. His mother was dead, and his sister was dead, and his father wished he was dead, and honestly, Nico wished he was dead too. If he’d died instead of Bianca, everything would’ve been better. Maybe then he wouldn’t have lived such a miserable life, and wouldn’t have been cursed to fall in love with Percy Jackson.