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when he looks back at his life, he's not so sure when this started becoming a thing. where he would rarely eat on good days, and would force himself to throw up on bad ones - he doesn't think of it as anything strange. after all, it's necessary, it's in the name of a safety precaution as to always be ready for battle, even if it's not during work hours. he just wants to do his best as a member of the agency, even if it meant harm to his own body.
he didn't think that it would result in anything drastic . so maybe he feels lightheaded half of the time, and maybe it gets hard for him to stop shaking, and perhaps it was concerning how much hair he's lost over a span of a week, so what ? it's justified, he thinks. he's doing this in the name of good, it's not like he's harming anyone (anyone not including himself, of course).
so it confuses him. it confuses him when ranpo starts sending him looks from across the room, right as he asks tanizaki whether there are any new, interesting homicide cases nearby. it confuses him when atsushi always made sure that, whenever he was having a lunch break with him, he'd finish his meal. it confuses him when kunikida starts writing down a whole page of notes on his eating schedule, then adds points things out and comments about his nutrition.
worst of all? it confused him when dazai , of all people, came up to him, pretty upfront about it.
"you have an eating disorder?"
it catches him so off-guard, he probably would've broken the table in front of him had he not been more composed. he blinks, once, then twice, and then laughs. "huh? no, of course not!"
because he doesn't. it's not an eating disorder. it's just a security measurement, just something to make sure he's prepared, and he had justifiable reasons. he does, he knows he does.
dazai makes a thoughtful noise, and it's almost strange to see him not act so much so like a playful jackass during off-work times. "really? i saw some signs early on, but thought you were just on a diet, or something. but it's really prominent now, so are you sure?"
for some reason, there's a part in kenji's brain that turns red, that heats up, and is both embarrassed and offended by the comment - but why? why did he feel that way, about something he assumed was a joke?
"prominent? what is that supposed to mean?" he asks, his usual smile now dropping into a tight frown.
"nothing bad, you just look more… pale. like a zombie! it looks like you've tried to commit double suicide but ended up living," is apparently the best explanation dazai can give. kenji's not entirely surprised. "you just look really unwell. last i checked, diets weren't supposed to impact you until your rib pops out of your skin. so what's up?"
"that's because i wasnt and am not on a diet," kenji explained simply, sighing out a small laugh.
but then dazai's expression turns a bit darker, and he knows the elder won't let it go so easily, so he has two options: a. deal with it, or, his more favourable option, b. dip out and change the topic of the conversation.
"it's nothing you have to worry about. i'm fine, oh- by the way, tanizaki-kun left some cases by your, uh, table," he weakly attempts, but it works, somewhat, because dazai's attention is immediately on his desk, but he also knows that that conversation was one neither were forgetting about any time soon.
oh well. he had his reasons for doing the things he did. he's sure the agency would understand.
the 'issue', so it's been called, hadn't really impacted anything drastically. like said, he's lost a few strands of hair, he can't really think straight or at all sometimes, his limbs shake as if they've been frozen for an hour's time, and he can't even look at himself in the mirror. but those were just side effects, that's what happens when you have responsibilities. it's worth it, he knows it's worth it.
that is, until an unexpected emergency is thrown onto the agency. he's calm, somewhat, because he's prepared ('see, this is what i meant about being prepared! eating less will be beneficial, i knew it would,' a voice in his head insists, almost as if he's trying to convince himself that he's done more good than harm with practically starving himself).
the fight had been pretty brutal. the case that was presented went as such : a few cars down the street had blown up out of nowhere, lots of citizens were found dead and burnt to a crisp. obviously, that was no normal occurrence, and they knew it wasn't when ranpo deducted as much as he could, which had led them to a nearby train alley. they could tell as much that it was probably a trap, of which they had no choice but to fall for.
they were surrounded by people from a gang, sent by someone (who was it? well that's for ranpo and the rest to find out. kenji's been told he's not the best at figuring things out). initially, the fight had been one-sided, it was rather easy to beat those who aren't gifted or trained as the members of the agency were, but it quickly took a turn for the worst when other gifted people from the gang appeared.
they still won, of course. kenji's proud to have contributed to the fight a significant amount. he'd been the one to tank a few cars directed at him and his friends, he'd also been able to grab a few heavy objects despite how frail his limbs all felt. it's the adrenaline, he thinks. in the end, everyone was alive, although not all was well. atsushi had passed out after the fight, as per usual, but he woke up not shortly after. yosano had tended to his wounds with as much as they had around, everyone else only had somewhat minor injuries, kenji included.
so when yosano and kunikida asks for assistance with grabbing something that had blown pretty far away from where they were, he was willing to volunteer. that is before he tried to stand up; his legs violently shook in place and crossed, leading him to fall over to his side with a small yelp, and in came a few shouts of concern.
"kenji?! are you hurt as well?" kunikida's voice is laced with nothing short of concern, though everyone else looked just as worried. kenji tries to laugh it off, but everything feels so heavy all of the sudden, he can't even speak. his throat is dry, his lips won't open, and he can't do anything but shake and look at the floor below him.
"kenji-kun?" this time it's atsushi, who looks so pale that he might just pass out twice. kenji tries to answer him, but, really, he can't. his head pounds and his body hurts. had he gotten stabbed somewhere? no. most of the enemies kept their distance between them and him, since he'd just be even stronger with close combat. but what was happening? why couldn't he answer ?
"he can't talk," ranpo concluded simply, and kenji wants to thank him, but the most he could do was avert his gaze towards the speaking detective. "he's sick. from the looks of it, he might probably pass out soon."
"how can you be so casual about that?" atsushi asked in retaliation, though it was rhetorical and not one he wanted answers to. his focus was back on kenji, and he attempted to lift the younger boy up with his arms. he put a bit too much strength, having expected that kenji would weigh heavier, and it sends him flying off his feet onto the ground, kenji landing right on him.
and it's nothing to be embarrassed about - because realization hits him. it seems to have clicked for everyone else as well.
"oh," atsushi sounds, then puts less weight as he attempts to carry kenji a second time. "oh, kenji..." he had to drop the formalities. at a time like this, that was only appropriate.
kenji tries to force out something, anything, but it all just comes out as a silent whimper, only heard by atsushi.
"he's definitely passing out," ranpo says, his eyes wide open as he examined the kid in atsushi's arms. "what do we do?"
it's almost uncharacteristic of him - ranpo was the last person to follow or ask for orders. he'd always done things his way, the way he sees is best, and he never seemed to care much of the people around him. his goal as a detective wasn't just to help people, after all, he was there to get his ability (well, skill, more so) to good use. but how could he care about something like that when his friend, a kid, a teen half his age, was about to pass out due to starvation.
kunikida nods, then looks at everyone. "alright, we'll rap it up short for a bit. yosano, you and atsushi can get kenji back to the base, to treat their wounds. the rest of us will stay here for a bit to clear the environment, but make sure the kid doesn't- make sure he's okay."
the instructions were clear as day, and atsushi began running with kenji in his arms, yosano following shortly behind him.
the walk - or, rather, run - back to the base had been quiet, but not relaxing. it was the opposite, tense and fearsome, people passing by the streets stared at the group in confusion and concern. kenji's eyes were half-lidded halfway through, and it made atsushi panic, his pace picking up.
he'll be fine. surely he'll be fine. he had yosano with him, she could treat him, right? even if the problem doesn't lie in just a fatal wound, even if the problem is more than just the chance of him dying. he'll be fine, he's sure of it.
"m'fine," kenji's voice startles atsushi, but at the same time it relieves him. the blonde in his arms still hadn't moved an inch, but his eyes were focused onto his. "don't.. don't gotta worry..."
that doesn't stop him from worrying, but it really did relieve him.
by the time ranpo, dazai, and kunikida are back, kenji had already long passed out, currently being treated by yosano. atsushi was pacing back and forth in front of the room, blinking rapidly as if to stop himself from getting emotional over anything - which he probably was.
when atsushi saw the three of them arrive, his focus went to them, but the worry in his eyes did not vanish.
"is he okay?" is dazai's approach.
atsushi blinks, then frowns. "he's... okay, i think. im not allowed in. yosano told me to stay out."
"we all know what caused it right?" edogawa is quick and cut to the chase of the issue. he's one of the few people who were never scared to discuss the elephant of any room so easily. but, this time around, everyone thinks that it's warranted, and they're grateful someone's able to speak up before they're forced to.
"i... i tried to make sure he ate, i swear, but- i don't... i," atsushi's at a lost for words, he's not really sure if anything in his vocabulary could describe how he felt about the situation - he felt guilty, ashamed, worried, angry. kunikida shakes his head, "don't blame yourself, brat. calm down. we'll have a talk with him okay? as long as he's fine, it's okay."
it takes about 2 days before kenji finally wakes up, with the smell of antibiotics around him, and he's surrounded by the sleeping faces of his coworkers and friends. his limbs feel numb, but even then he was still able to feel there was something intruding into his arm - a tube.
recalling back on what happened, kenji himself can't really find an explanation. what had caused that? well, surely everyone else knows.
the first one to notice his wake is dazai, who wasn't really asleep, just dozed off. he's never seen the man smile wider than he had just then.
"kenji! hey, you're awake," he says softly, quietly as to not wake anyone else up. kenji nods, albeit in a confused manner. "yeah. what happened?"
"we can save the conversation for the morning. don't you feel tired?"
and, though he knows he's probably slept more than he should, seeing that he was in the clinic, and the lights being dim, he cant deny that he did feel tired. he nods, closes his eyes, and goes back to sleep. he feels dazai shove his hand through his hair, comforting him. it does nothing but lull him more into a deep slumber.
when he wakes up a second time, everyone is awake as well. yosano is discussing some things with kunikida, standing near the doors of the room. ranpo was sitting on a chair, backwards, and he looked bored out of his mind. atsushi and dazai were tending to their own things, but the latter is the one to notice he'd woken up.
"yo, kenji!"
the room goes silent.
"oh, uh, hi, everyone!" kenji greets back, managing a small wave.
"i promised to save the discussion for the morning, right? well, it's actually past morning, but we can still discuss it," dazai explained simply, making his way towards kenji's bed, then sitting on the chair that stood near it.
but what was there to discuss? oh, right, probably his injures- but, were they really so awful as to lead dazai to want to explain it? not that he had anything against the older man, it just seemed out of character for the suicidal maniac to start talking about wounds that he didn't think were too fatal-
"sorry to be straight to the point, but you've got a lot of nutrition issues," yosano said, walking to kenji, then standing beside his bed. there's a clipboard in one of her arms, and the other hand is holding a pen. "lack of protein, lack of vitamins, minerals- oh, carbs, especially. and with normal 3-per-day meals, you shouldn't be having problems with your nutrition cycle. is there maybe anything you think could be causing that?"
yosano is headstrong, but she is patient and kind to those who need help. dazai learned that sometime after he first met her, when he joined the agency. she's trying to get him to confess, although he knows it's not probable, to ensure his comfortability with the situation. but given how he's acted in a previous conversation, he knows he wouldn't admit to it, not when he himself has no clue about it.
it takes him a few seconds, but kenji responds not long after. "oh, i just... haven't been eating as much, that's all."
and though everyone knew about it, it still stuck around in the air for a few fleeting moments. it's strange to hear him admit to it, even if it's not the truth entirely.
"why?" yosano settles.
"well, my ability requires me to, um... y'know, be hungry," kenji begins, rubbing the nape of his neck. "i just want to be prepared for battle at all times - i cant imagine there being a sudden emergency where im not hungry enough. that's all, really."
kunikida is the first to voice his disapproval. "that's unhealthy, kenji," - though he's sure everyone in the room knows as much - "i understand your reasoning, but being hungry does not equal starving yourself. you're a growing kid, don't let this job break your body before you're all grown up. you're a teen."
another moment of silence.
"so what?"
and then the air fills with terror.
really, kenji does understand why that seemed like an issue - but it's not. his eating cycle is fine, he's okay. maybe this wouldn't be normal for any normal teen, but he wasn't normal, quite the far cry from it, actually. he had an ability, an ability he had to use for good, and that required him to be hungry.
so sure it sucks to have to practically starve himself, but sometimes life just has to be that way, right? kenji hadn't meant for it to become a problem - really, he'd just wanted to be ready to battle, at all times. he thought there was nothing wrong with it ; why should it be? he's just trying his best to be a good member of the agency. receiving all the concerned looks directed at him right now, he's more confused than he is scared.
"miyazawa..." atsushi says in a whisper, his eyebrows furrowing to show his distress. "this problem will bring more harm than good, please understand that-"
"it's not a problem!" kenji forces, and it surprises him how insistent and desperate he sounds to his own ears. "it's... it's not, you're wrong! im not starving myself! i just- im just prepared-!"
dazai gets up from his chair, and looks at kenji. there's an easygoing smile on his face, as if he's just taking a walk around the park on a normal weekend. then he raises a finger "dun-dun ! incorrect!" he voices, like a game show host, and he earns dissaproving looks from every other member. "you, young kenji, have an eating disorder."
"..an eating..- i don't!" "you don't take into account your nutrition values, you don't take the recommended amount of meals, and it seems you're well aware of that fact. tell me, kenji, if this isn't an eating disorder, what is it?"
kenji is at a lost for words, desperately clinging onto his brain to form some sort of coherent excuse. come on, come on, anything the city folk say could surely convince him, but that thought itself only confuses himself more. convince him? convince him of what?
"it's... it's different! people with eating disorders care about their looks, and i don't feel the need to be skin-" "dun-dun ! incorrect again!"
that earns him a slap from yosano, but he dodges easily, though his eyes were still glued on kenji's frame. "an eating disorder is not always caused by the insecurity of your looks," he begins, tilting his head to the side thoughtfully. "some people binge eat as comfort, because they don't know how to handle their emotions, or lack thereof in some cases. some others do it in question of their worth, and- you know, I've met some people who think they shouldn't eat because of the responsibilities they bare. I've met people who think that food will only hold them back, and they're scared of losing their worth over something like that."
it stung, kenji thought. it felt like those words had physically pierced through him, leaving his insides void and shaky, and his hands are trembling again. the description dazai had just given... it had been pretty spot on.
and it would be a lie to say that it hadn't hit him so personally.
"does that sound familiar at all, kenji-kun?"
he doesn't know why it sounds so familiar. he doesn't know why all the sudden he can't look at the others in the eye. he doesn't know why his eyes feel wet and glassy. and he doesn't know why he starts crying, burying his face into his hands.
but he does know how great it feels to cry.
he lets all the negativity loose, and feels arms wrap around him. it's atsushi, he realizes, but he doesn't try to pull away. no, he wants to hug back, he wants to apologize for causing such a problem in the work place, he wants to thank them for being patient, but he's also so ashamed and embarrassed. however, in that moment, hidden and protected under atsushi, surrounded by his friends, his family, who cared about him so much, he can't help but ignore that shame that lingered and burned in his head. all he could do was cry.
"you're okay, mi- kenji," atsushi reassured in a whisper, patting kenji's trembling figure. his cries do not relent, and he's only pressing himself further into atsushi's warm embrace, but nobody would ever judge him for that.
had he really accepted it? it's difficult to say. he gets he has issues with how he eats, but he'd always felt that it was his responsibility. if one day someone were to get hurt because he wasn't prepared, who knows what he'd do? who knows how he'd feel?
but, right now, he doesn't want to think about it. he just wants to cry and scream.
kenji ends up asleep again. but this time, everyone is less distressed about it.
they're all ushered outside by yosano, and nobody complains about it. they understand ; he probably doesn't want to wake up overwhelmed by his emotions and other people.
kunikida breaks the silence.
"dazai, did you really have to be such a jackass back there? it could've been worded better."
"now, now, kunikida-san," atsushi tries at the same time that dazai wails out a "so cruel, kunikida!"
ranpo looks away, shoving his hands into the pocket of his pants. "there were better ways to go about it, but i think dazai did a decent job. it seemed to get through to kenji, at least."
a short moment of silence.
"or, well, kind of. we were supposed to also talk to him about improving his habits. but i guess we have to talk about it one at a time."
they had time. atushi was sure that they would be able to support kenji with whatever he'd be required to do. he had faith in everyone, and had a more than enough in kenji.
kenji feels like he lives in the clinic after a while.
yosano's always in the room, she strikes up a conversation with him every now and then, but she hadn't really explained or touched upon anything that happened a few days back.
kenji hasn't eaten anything either, but for some reason, he always feels... not full, or as if he'd eaten, but he feels less starved. like he's been given a snack. and that's almost enough to tip him off to sleep every time.
so he asks about it.
"im not eating, but why do i feel less hungry?"
yosano turns around, clipboard on her chest. "oh. it's the ui- it's the tube on your hand. it transfers nutrients, not exactly food. when developing eating issues, it's not recommended to jump instantly back onto a casual, recommended diet. you take it slow."
"oh."
it's been far too silent around the agency for the past week. yosano chews on the inside of her cheek, and then huffs.
"kid, i want y- see, im not the... the best at phrasing things," she attempts, all in pure, genuine honesty. "but, i just... i want you to know that you're not responsible for anyone's safety. other than your own, of course. under working hours, i would understand being hungry, but when you're not on the job, please take care of yourself. eat breakfast, lunch, dinner. even snacks if you can fit it in."
kenji bit his lip. "but... what if someone dies because i wasn't hungry enough to manifest my strength? that- it would be awful! that'd be my fault, and- and-"
"kid," yosano interrupted, one gloved hand on his shoulder and the other being used to push his blonde strands of hair behind his ear. "you are not responsible for that. of course, our agency tries for the least amount of casualties, in any case, but you shouldn't sacrifice your health for others this way. not like this, not like anything. you are still a kid, i don't want this job to ruin you so early on."
tears gather around his eyes again, but he makes no move to wipe them off.
"but... but i have this ability to protect others, if i don't use it, then how am i worth it?"
"you do use this ability for good. you do use it to protect others, to help people, don't you?" yosano's voice had dropped to a mere whisper, caressing kenji's head the way a mother would. "and you've done such a good job. we're all so proud of you, kenji, you know? you've sacrificed more than anything to protect people, even your well-being, but that's unhealthy. kenji, we love you, okay? you protect others with your ability, and, prioritizing yourself over others doesn't make you any less worthy of that ability."
kenji's getting tired of crying all the time.
it takes a few weeks, but when he's finally discharged from that damn bed, the first thing he hears is a talk from kunikida. he's made a brief eating schedule for him, made three copies; one for himself, for kenji, and another to tape onto the board so other members could help kenji remember if he didn't.
he earns words of encouragement from tanizaki and atsushi, who pat him on the back and tell him he'll do great, and that they're cheering him on.
he gets a few snacks from kyouka and ranpo, though the latter was a bit more hesitant on giving it.
he's given a look of endearment and pride from dazai, who says nothing, only pulls him into a brief hug and plays with his hair.
and, with his friends and family around him, supporting him, he knows he'll be fine.
he knows he'll make it out feeling better.