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“Trina!” Whizzer tried the doorbell.
He didn’t usually make a habit out of knocking on his ex-lover’s ex-wife’s door late at night, but he’d much prefer her company over random strangers in seedy bars. The options were limited, and shelter would be ideal before gentle sprinkling grew into a full-on downpour. Among the plethora of other reasons why Whizzer stood outside Trina’s front door, there was one that he couldn’t seem to shake.
He missed her.
Not that their friendship was ever established, Whizzer had come to understand Trina during the months he was just Marvin’s “friend” in a way that made the guilt agonizing, and the hiding even worse. He’d always enjoyed her company and was relieved when she finally found out no matter how distraught she was. She deserved to know.
Finally, Trina answered the door hastily, wearing a sour expression and stiff posture. “What are you doing here?” She said sharply.
“I had nowhere else to go, please, I need help.”
Trina laughed bitterly before returning to a hardened expression, her knuckles white from her grip on the door.
“No. “
Whizzer jerked back as she slammed it shut, leaving him with only the sound of rain to keep him company. Dropping his small suitcase of belongings on the porch with a thump, Whizzer let out a sigh.
“He kicked me out.” He said, uncertain of whether or not anyone heard him at all.
Gathering his belongings and turning his heel, Whizzer began his descent down the steps, cursing himself for wearing his leather jacket instead of something more waterproof. Once again hearing a creak from the door, albeit slower and more hesitant, he whipped his head around to find Trina under the doorframe illuminated by the toasty yellow glow from the lights inside, a glimmer of hope amongst unforgiving darkness.
“What?“ Trina asked in a much softer tone though her stature remained rigid and her grip on the door tight.
“Yeah,” Whizzer replied sheepishly, “He kind of snapped. I came here as soon as he did. ” Sensing the tension in the air, Whizzer laughed nervously, feeling more self-conscious than he did in a while. “We all saw it coming, didn’t we?”
Trina peered at her shoes, avoiding eye contact with the man. “You don’t have anywhere else to go?”
“Well… I do. Kind of.”
The realization apparent, Trina’s gaze snapped back up, eyes wide in disbelief. This was going to be his second rejection of the night. He could barely take any more.
“Whizzer. You don’t know who’s out there. You never know...”
Whizzer shrugged. “It’s what I did before Marv.”
Silence hung between them like a thick fog, neither knowing what the other was thinking or feeling at that very moment. After Whizzer and Marvin were caught literally with their pants down, a hundred regrets ran through his mind at eighty an hour, but perhaps none more potent than the complete severing of whatever chance at friendship he had with Trina.
“That bastard,” Trina mumbled. “Come in.
seconds passed by as Whizzer’s brain processed the shock of what he assumed was the most unlikely outcome of the night, and his invitation wasn’t registered until Trina retreated back into her home, leaving the door open if Whizzer chose to enter. Obviously, he did.
Closing it gingerly behind him as he stepped into the building, he wiped off his wet (and expensive) shoes before removing and leaving them neatly beside a pair too small for Mendel and too childish for Trina. An unswallowable stone clogged Whizzer’s throat as his eyes stung, threatening to spill if he blinked. They were Jason’s. God, he was going to miss that kid. He’d come to love Jason as if he were his own. Though children were never a priority on his list of milestones, Jason managed to weasel into his heart. He’d done nothing besides watch Whizzer barrel through his parent’s marriage ruining his life in the process, and the kid certainly didn’t deserve any of the petty bullshit thrown his way in redundant arguments or passive aggression.
“Wine?” Trina offered, pouring a second glass before Whizzer could even answer.
“Sure- Yes please.”
Unsure of what he was allowed to do, Whizzer stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room, drumming his fingers on his pants and surveying his surroundings as if he didn’t already know how the house he spent two years getting fucked in looked. Though things seemed to have changed between the time Marvin left, and Trina remarried. The house felt worn in and homely, directly contrasting the tense state it was in before. Plenty of pictures decorated the mantel, filled with genuine smiles, with an array of candid shots scattered between professional family photographs. Books on the coffee table varied, and the fresh flowers neatly in a vase tied the atmosphere together, creating a space that was quite lovely.
Trina set the wine on the coffee table before hurriedly retrieving the wine bottle, neither wanting to carry this night forward sober. Once returned, she gestured to the couch, rolling her eyes at Whizzer’s hesitancy as if to say:
So you screwed my husband behind my back in this exact house for two years and now you’re afraid to sit on the couch?
Whizzer sat on the very edge of his seat, reaching out for a glass before pulling away, glancing at Trina to ask her permission.
“Jesus Christ, you had the courage to stumble your way onto my doorstep late at night and now you can’t even drink without my consent?” Trina said in exasperation.
“To be honest, I didn’t think I’d get this far.”
As expected, the rain gradually fell harder like bullets hitting the roof. Whizzer was thankful that Trina was willing to take pity on him. Though he didn’t plan this far ahead as to what he’d actually do if she let him in, he thanked God that she did.
Shit. It was really starting to get bad out there, and Whizzer nursed his glass of wine a little tighter. At least he wasn’t cold.
Trina broke the silence first. “How did it happen?” Her voice was strained but concrete.
“We were playing chess and… He lost.”
Unable to stop the waterworks, Whizzer quickly swiped off the tears with his thumb, cheeks heating up at the display of emotion. “It was just a stupid game.”
In all honesty, Whizzer knew deep down it wasn’t. He made sure Marvin was well aware of the conditions that came with him, and Whizzer never tried to hide it whenever he went out to meet other men. But at the end of the night, he’d go home to Marvin. No matter how early in the morning he’d return, Marvin waited for him and Whizzer would always come back to their bed.
“He kicked you out over that?”
“Yeah- no. Maybe? I don’t really know. Maybe Marvin wasn’t telling me something but I never thought- I didn’t think…”
Whizzer stopped to wipe his nose on the tissue Trina handed him tentatively. He wasn’t quite sure of how he wished to continue but supposed that she deserved a full explanation after being rudely called to the door by Whizzer’s persistent knocking.
“You didn’t think he’d kick you out.” Trina finished for him.
Whizzer nodded, taking another sip of his wine.
“After I won, he just... left the room. Then he came back with my suitcase.” He cleared his throat before attempting to hold together some semblance of a functioning human. “I should’ve seen it coming.”
Trina scoffed. “He’s a dickwad. I have no idea how you survived with him for so long. Must’ve had the patience of a saint.”
“I thought you hated me.”
“Oh, make no mistake, I do. But not as much as I hate Marvin.”
The pair sat in silence unlike the previous, not awkward or stilted but somewhat comfortable.
“He’s cruel as he is sweet.”
“Tell me about it.” Trina started, “When we first started dating, he bought me flowers every single weekend without fail. Then we got married, and it’s like I’m not even there.” She sighed, “It was like he thought Jason changed his own diapers.”
Whizzer’s breath hitched at the mention of the boy. How could he ever let go?
“He’d buy me things,” Whizzer’s voice cracked, “then throw it in my face later when we’d fight. Cook me dinner Whizzer. Clean my clothes Whizzer. I pay the bills Whizzer. ”
Trina let out a genuine laugh at the impression, her eyes crinkling at the seams. Whizzer supposed it was the wine that garnered her reaction, but he’d take it nonetheless. Soon Whizzer joined her, their bright imitations flooding apprehension out of sight, sending it into the rain. There it remained for the rest of the night.
Time waltzed by as they swapped stories about their ex-lover, now both on the same playing field sharing similar experiences about the psychotic man they used to (or still) love. No longer on opposite sides, lightness carried through the air, and warmth hugged them like a thick duvet during a harsh winter’s chill. The storm raged beyond the walls but they held strong, and the roof sheltered them from wicked ways of the outside world and charming homosexuals with too much pride. Glass after glass, the contents in the wine bottle started to drain, leaving it almost empty by the end. Giddiness passed through Whizzer’s bloodstream, and his head was airy and buoyant. Trina placed a record in the turntable, leaving gentle jazz melodies to bounce off furniture, and delicate hums buzzing on her lips.
The clock struck ten, then eleven, and then it was midnight.
Trina assembled make-shift sleeping arrangements in the den, the pair intoxicated enough to joke about previous traumatic happenings for both parties involved.
Unlike the living room, the den was unchanged. It was just as Whizzer had remembered it. Some of Marvin’s pictures still remained (thankfully, Trina quickly removed them) along with Jason’s baseball memorabilia.
“Hey, Whizzer?”
“Yeah?”
Trina looked down as she did when she let Whizzer in. Nerves washed over him once again.
“I lied earlier.” Fiddling with the pleats of her skirt, smoothing it out, then crumpling it back over and over.
“What?”
Tension rose once again, and Whizzer stood from his place on the sofa, searching for his suitcase as he prepared for the worst. She was going to kick him out, wasn’t she? Of course, she’d come to her senses and realized what a selfish asshole he was. Panic shot through his alcohol-induced state in pulses of adrenaline, his mind peaking to the nearest gay bar, where he could still find someone willing to take him in for a decent lay.
“When I said I hated you. You know- I tried. I really did.”
The panic subsided, confusion replaced whatever nerves plagued him. What was she trying to say?
“But I couldn’t. Sure, I hate what you did to me. You basically ruined my life.” She chuckled. “But I met Mendel.” An affectionate smile tugged at her face at the mere mention of her husband. “And I learned what it meant to be loved.”
Still confused, Whizzer sat back down, trying to process what was happening and still not understanding what she meant. Trina had every reason in her right mind to despise Whizzer. Instead, she offered not only a soft place to sleep but an olive branch. He didn’t deserve this. Not one bit. Her drunken state would wear off in the morning, and she’d soon come to her senses. Until then, Whizzer could safely assume that rough men from seedy bars would be an obstacle for tomorrow.
“And I realized. You know- love is blind. It’s not-” Trina took a deep breath. “We can’t control what it does to us.” Her eyes met Whizzer’s.
Whizzer stilled as he watched Trina attempt to find the right words. Marvin didn’t love him- as far as he knew, that’s why he kicked him out, wasn’t it?
“Yes, I was angry but it wasn’t your fault- I mean it was a little, but he loved you. And you weren’t- at least I didn’t think you were intentionally trying to make my life miserable.” Trina sat on the couch beside him and breathed out once again. “What I’m trying to say is, I don’t hate you. I can’t blame you for my failed marriage. It was doomed from the start.”
“Trina, you have no idea how sorry-”
Trina cut him off. “No- just hear me out. It was doomed from the beginning. But we aren’t to blame.” She took his hand in hers. "It’s that slimy bastard who did this to both of us.”
Now it was Whizzer’s turn to start laughing, but sort of crying at the same time.
“You aren’t my rival Whizzer. We need to look out for each other.”
Eyes weary, Trina pat his hand before letting it fall, ready to retreat back into her own bed with Mendel. Just as she approached the doorway she turned to give Whizzer one last look.
“You deserve better. You know that don’t you?”
He didn’t, but it’s comforting enough for the night to pretend that he did. Whizzer nodded and smiled, unsure of what else to say.
Trina left the room, bidding him goodnight, leaving Whizzer with only the sound of rain.
It's like he’s outside on Trina’s porch all over again: Alone.