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He’s currently on his fourth month of training under Orochimaru, and while Sasuke was normally nothing short of focused and collected, tonight he feels himself slip back into past memories, past feelings he’d hope to forget. Despite no longer being a ninja, he found himself busier than ever. Most days were spent training and thus, he rarely had time to think of anything other than pushing through the excruciating pain he experienced on a daily basis. He certainly didn’t have time to mule over thoughts of a former home, a former family, a former team- no, he had much more important things to focus on. Katana techniques, genjutsu strategies, strength building. Those were much, much more important to him now. He had a goal to fulfill and nothing would get in his way, that he would make sure of.
But it was a lot easier said than done. Today, Sasuke realized, that maybe he is a little in over his head. Maybe he isn’t as strong as he thought, maybe he’s lacking the control that he needs. He nearly chidori’d himself to death today. Orochimaru attempted to teach him how to stream his chidori through his katana, except, Orochimaru isn’t much of a teacher at all. The dark bruising on his body is his proof of it.
Sasuke always assumed the way Orochimaru would reveal little about his techniques until he caught on was a testament to how smart the sannin thought his “pupil” was, but no, today he realized it was just a part of Orochimaru’s vindictive nature to want to see those around him suffer. Of course, the creep did step in in time to make sure the former nin didn’t die but Sasuke’s quite certain he saw a smirk on Orochimaru’s face before he passed out.
Now he lay on his back in a cot that’s too small, with blankets too thin and a pulse that’s beating a little too slow, just struggling to keep his eyes open. His throat is parched but he’s too exhausted to get up for a sip of water, if only Sakura was here to-no. No. He won’t let his thoughts slip again. He knows it’s because of the exhaustion, he knows he should rest but every time he closes his damn eyes, he sees her. He sees them. Gray, yellow and pink. Forced smiles and laughter trying to hide the fear in their voices.
He groans aloud in frustration (and partially in pain.) He’s irritated with himself, disappointed even because of course, as soon as he has a rough day, his mind wanders to Konoha. He swore to himself that he wouldn’t regress but it’s his first bad day and he’s already struggling to keep it together. He’s so mad at himself for multiple things. For not being strong enough to kill Itachi, for overcharging the chidori, for remembering things he needs to forget and mostly for lacking the control to stop his mind from wandering to things and feelings that don’t fucking matter anymore.
He knocks his rock of a pillow onto the floor then exhales loudly, in an attempt to get his racing thoughts under control. He won’t fuck up the chidori stream again. He won’t waste his time worrying of people from his past. And he’ll definitely kill Itachi.
He’ll get himself together, today is just a flook that’s all. It’s because he’s so tired. And cold. If Sakura were here, he would already have another blanket and probably flowers at his bedside. He closes his eyes and sees pink again, focusing on her instead of the cold.
He misses her warmth.
--
After over a year and a half of rigorous training, Sasuke has managed to insanely enhance his strength, master sword fighting, and move faster than most can blink. It still isn’t enough though.
Sasuke’s aware that an Uchiha, especially his older brother, would never slack off. They were raised to train consistently at a young age, even his toys as a mere toddler were toy shruikens and kunai’s. He’s sure that for every hour he put into training, Itachi put in two. One thing about that genocidal maniac is that he’s knows his shit. Genjutsu is his specialty and beating him at it is next to impossible. Sasuke is no fool though, and he knows that trying to outdo Itachi in genjutsu is not the route to go, instead he focuses on creating strategies to escape severe genjutsu’s.
He never realized how difficult it was to study for hours on end. Sure, he studied in the academy and made sure to read up on new scrolls for techniques even after he graduated, but to study multiple textbooks of information, day after day, was new to him. He found himself getting easily distracted or even bored. He doesn’t understand how Sakura could stand to always have her nose is a giant textbook, he’s certain he’s seen her reading ones that weigh more than she-wait a minute. He has no reason to think of Sakura, he should be studying. Focusing.
He picks a textbook that he hasn’t read yet, one that is based on early studies of the Sharingan. He’s a little curious about how Orochimaru managed to get his hands on these books, but he knows better than to ask. He slams the large text onto the table and begins digesting the material. The problem is, he only makes it a few pages in before the words start to blur. He’s been reading so much this week and everything he’s been learning is starting to run together in his mind. If Sakura were here, she would break it down. She would make it easier.
He misses her encouragement.
--
He should have came alone. Why the fuck did he think it was a good idea to form a new group? He thought Team Hebi’s assets would be useful for tracking Itachi down, but right now he’s not sure if they’re worth the headache.
Karin and Suigetsu are arguing again. He’s not sure what their issue is this time, or most of the time for that matter since he tends to drown them out. But today, he just wants some time to himself while he tends to his weapons. He wonders if this is how Kakashi and Sakura felt when he and Naruto would get into it. He very rarely sees similarities between his current team and his old one, but he does catch himself noticing and even being irked by the clear differences between the teams with each passing day.
Caring for his weapons is one of his favorite past times. Sasuke recalls fond moments of helping (well mostly watching) his father care for his shruiken at the end of the day. His father would sharpen each edge meticulously and Sasuke would hand him anything that he needed. It was one of the rare times that he felt close to him.
With the sun setting in the background and a lake in walking distance, it felt like an eerily similar setting. Well, except for the fact that his annoying teammates are currently barking at each other.
He picks up a kunai and his tosses it around in palm for a moment. He recalls a time when a member from his old team stood in front of him, gripping the kunai with every ounce of courage she could muster, just to protect him.
Sasuke could almost scoff at the memory. She really was ready to die for him. He wonders if Team Hebi would do the same? Would they risk their lives for him? Would he risk his life for them? He’s not sure.
But..he does know three people that he would have laid his life on the line for.
He misses her company.
--
There’s a lot of things Sasuke isn’t surprised he’s done in his life. Runaway from Konoha? Well, he had been feeling somewhat claustrophobic in the village since his parents’ deaths. Killing a man or two? Well, who’s to say they didn’t deserve it. Snatching his brother’s eyes? Well, shit happens.
But of all the things he’s done in his life, he almost can’t believe that he’s here right now. Laying in a pool of blood, next to his former teammates, and laughing at that.
He thought he was done with his former life, with them. He thought he had left them behind, that he had finally severed all the bonds that he was convinced were holding him back, but no. He found himself with them once again, always always going back to them. He knew they were stubborn, but man did he underestimate them when they said they would bring him back. And yet..here he is. Back with Team 7. Happy to be back with Team 7.
Naruto’s laughing and for once, he’s not annoyed. He’s not irritated, he’s not itching to hide away and isolate himself. For the past two years, he’s only found comfort in his isolation. But sitting in Naruto and Sakura’s presence puts him at peace. He felt almost whole. Almost.
He knew there would be no quick fix. Finally realizing that he can be happy, that he does have more to live for outside of revenge, is a huge step for him but it will be one of many. He still has demons he needs to confront and issues to resolves. Sakura’s tear-stained eyes are a reminder of that.
Meanwhile, Naruto’s already making promises and Sasuke almost can’t believe his ears. This man that he just tried to kill in cold blood is happily swearing that he will do everything in his power to keep Sasuke in the village’s good graces. Sasuke wants to speak up and say that he doesn’t care what the village thinks of him, but he holds his tongue, because he knows it matters to them. He matters to them, and this time he will let them worry over him. He’ll let them check on him and even bother him.
He sees Kakashi making his way towards them, and Naruto attempts and fails to sit up while Sakura starts helping him. He just lays there, still content on being a spectator. Naruto struggles with pulling himself up and it moves Sakura to silent tears. He wonders if the apology he shared was enough, if any apology will ever be enough.
He misses her smile.
--
He’s been putting off this trip for a while now.
Sasuke’s been traveling the world for almost two years now, but the whole time he’s been purposely avoiding Suna. He told himself it was because he’s never been a fan of the desert climate but deep down, he knows that isn’t the real reason.
Every time he thinks of his last interaction with Gaara, a large knot forms in his throat.
It’s no secret he’s not proud of some of his past deeds but this particular instance is an especially sore spot for the nin. The hardest part is knowing that Gaara genuinely wanted to help him. He’s heard many people claim to be happy that he’s atoning for his sins but he doesn’t really believe them. He knows that in reality, a lot them are still wary and untrusting. It’s very rare to see someone who genuinely wants you to do better.
Naruto’s rattled on and on about how Gaara doesn’t hold a grudge but that still doesn’t make this stop any easier for Sasuke. Because even if Gaara has forgiven him, he is still struggling to forgive himself.
He wishes Sakura was here. She’d offer comforting words; she’d reassure him that he’s making the right decision. She wouldn’t allow him to second guess himself. Sasuke’s positive that Sakura is the most forgiving person on the planet. He knows her can trust her input.
He misses her.