Work Text:
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“It’s impossible to fire him, Dazai-san,” his agent tells him slowly, obviously afraid that he’ll be the one who gets fired instead. “Chuuya-san has 53 million followers on Twitter alone, there will be a huge backlash if he suddenly disappears.”
Dazai lets out a dissatisfied grunt as he logs on to his phone and registers ten more accounts quickly. “Tsk. Just 53 million? What is everyone else doing?” All of these new accounts have the word ‘chibi’ in them, and all of them only follow one actor out of the entire cast of the current show they’re in.
“…53 million and 10 now.”
“Anyway, I know firing him is impossible.” He drums his fingertips against his phone screen, as if to summon an additional update from the other’s page. His fingers are conveniently right on the other’s header picture, which is of him smiling goofily after one failed behind-the-scenes shot.
If Dazai wasn’t the other party on this scene, he would called bullshit on how could someone still appear that gorgeous even though he just tripped over his own feet while trying out some whirlwind kicks. He shakes his head to dispel his wayward thoughts about the other’s legs. Short legs shouldn’t be so attractive! And they absolutely aren’t! He isn’t sweating just thinking about it!
He clears his throat and discreetly wipes his forehead with the same fingers that have been tapping right on Chuuya’s smile. He’s not imagining anything. Because Chuuya is too short to reach his forehead and kiss the sweat away. This would only work if he’s squatting, just like in that scene, where Chuuya leaned in so close and—
“I just want you to make sure that I have no more scenes with that chibi,” he insists, not panicking at all.
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They’re just too different.
Chuuya’s the sort to yell something like, “the word for giving up isn’t in my dictionary!”, completely exemplifying being a hot-blooded hero who also helps grannies in crossing the road. On the other hand, Dazai is the type who’d sneer, “I haven’t needed a dictionary since preschool”, provocation wired into his veins.
It’s a big factor that has helped them secure their respective roles, because the characters that they’re playing are terrible rivals who couldn’t be more different from each other.
It’s apparent during the scenes that they’ve filmed.
Chuuya had no compunctions with digging his knee right below his crotch, grabbing him by the hair so that they’re nearly nose-to-nose. He had no problems with going into his face, breathing hotly into the space between their mouths, until they’re kissing—
Wait, no, that’s just his imagination.
No, that’s also wrong. He isn’t imagining anything! He’s not interested in dating someone seriously! He’s fine with playing up the fanservice with his co-actors, or even with random passersby, but he isn’t really interested in serious, long-term dating!
…Not that just one accidental kiss while filming could be considered as serious dating… Not that they’ve really had that accidental kiss…
He shakes his head hard. Maybe he should up his flirting game with others. This is just because he hasn’t gone on a dinner with a lovely lady for so many weeks. So he’s just latched onto the most beautiful person in the set. No, he’s just working too hard, so his mind isn’t able to distinguish between types of beauty.
He isn’t really interested in Chuuya. He’s just knocked too hard against that wall during their filming. Why would he be interested in such a small fairy? Chuuya’s too friendly with everyone, addressing people with nicknames instead of their actual names, bringing snacks and drinks for everyone, patting even Atsushi-kun’s shoulders for acting well in that scene when his leg got cut off.
Why would he like someone like that? He doesn’t like the goody-goody two-shoes big brother type at all. This is the kind who’d end up being too close to many people, instead of paying attention to only him. Why should he like someone who wouldn’t give him undivided attention?
So, it’s really good that his agent has managed to convince the producers that he shouldn’t have further scenes with Chuuya in the next season.
Bungou Stray Dogs is a show that should focus on its protagonist. Dazai’s scenes with Chuuya is just to provide exposition on his past as the youngest Executive in Port Mafia history, as well as establish the fact that he could predict a bunch of things. There’s no reason for them to have another scene again.
There’s no reason for them to be so close that they could be kissing and the camera probably wouldn’t even notice any change.
Not that Dazai is interested in kissing such a shorty! He’d definitely have a stiff neck if he has to keep on bending down to accommodate such a chibi… Not that he’s really practiced with the body pillow that he’s specified to be the exact height as Chuuya…
He isn’t losing his mind.
He also isn’t buying all of this merchandise that features a certain redhead. He’s just helping a fellow cast member boost his popularity, that’s all.
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He also isn’t stalking Chuuya.
He’s just paying attention to the movements of fellow cast members.
It’s just that Chuuya moves a lot: posting lunches with some of his friends from his previous show; buying clothes; going on a cameo at some music show; singing karaoke with his university classmates; so many things that it’s almost prudent to suspect a time machine, as to how this chibi is able to do so many things.
Anyway, this just means that all of his energy is spent paying attention to him.
Who told that chibi to be so energetic?
He definitely isn’t stalking Chuuya.
He’s just… making sure that he knows everything that’s going to happen in the plot for the season. Method-acting, of-sorts. Just like the character that he plays, he needs to be aware of everything that’s happening.
“Give me a list of all the scenes that Chuuya has,” is his exact order to his agent. His agent, wise enough to know when his questions aren’t welcome, provide him with a list. It isn’t that long, given that Chuuya’s playing a minor role, but it’s so much longer than the first season.
He focuses on the important parts. “Chuuya has multiple fight scenes?”
He could picture it vividly. Plenty of kicks. The camera would accentuate the lithe lines of his legs. There would be a bunch of actors kicked down by those tiny heels. Plenty of hand-to-hand combat, which means plenty of time for someone to get inside Chuuya’s personal space.
There would be other people who’d smell Chuuya’s cologne mixed with his natural scent. There would be people who’d not-so-accidentally miss a line, just so there’d be extended number of takes for simple scenes.
(Not that he’s an expert on this, the 99 NGs he had during that dungeon reunion scene have no ulterior motives whatsoever. Not that he has made a lot of ‘mistakes’ during the part where Chuuya drags him by the hair or during the part where Chuuya chokes him against the wall.)
There would be other people who Chuuya would fist-bump with at the end, followed by a grinning, “Nice job!”
…With shaking hands, he contacts the producer and promises an extra secret investment money if they rework the scene of Chuuya rescuing Q into something that would involve another reunion between their characters.
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He thought that after months of not filming together, he’d have built proper resistance to the other’s presence.
Dazai is rarely wrong, but it’s like his lifetime supply of being wrong has built up for this moment. He’s tongue-tied, frozen on the spot when Chuuya collapses to the side after using Corruption.
The next scene calls for him goofily arranging Chuuya into silly poses and then leaving him behind in the aftermath of the fight with Lovecraft. But he’s stuck there, half-kneeling beside the chibi, staring at his fake-sleeping face.
The fake moonlight shining down on them makes the other’s skin glow instead of looking too pasty. His hair is all tangled up, but still gorgeously tousled over his face. The make-up team has done a great job in putting fake blood on his cheeks and chin, and it looks like he’s just having a full-body blush.
It’s weird.
He’s dizzy and his blood is pumping all over the place. It’s as if he’s the one who just called on a superpower that pushed his body to the limits. He’s suddenly so tired and Chuuya suddenly looks so comfortable.
Instinctively, he climbs over the other’s legs, and sits on top of his thighs. His ears are buzzing and he can’t even notice anything else outside of Chuuya’s breathing. He leans closer, so he could feel the other’s heartbeat against his.
“What are you doing,” Chuuya whispers, but still cooperatively keeps his eyes closed, as the director hasn’t called for the scene to be over yet.
Or maybe he has, and it’s just that his ears are filled with an incoming heart attack, and has therefore become temporarily deaf.
“My character is bullying yours,” he ends up saying this bunch of nonsense, then he leans close enough that he ends up biting the other’s neck.
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This neck-biting scene did end up getting cut away from the on-air footage.
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From that point on, Chuuya has ended up fighting with him each time they’re in the same room. It’s just that they consider the entire planet as their ‘room’, so they bicker through all social media too.
Even when they’re attending talk shows and are interviewed to talk about other things, Chuuya would then start complaining about him.
Questions about his ideal day-off ends up being answered with, “Driving to the beach and watching sunset… actually, anything is fine as long as there’s no involvement from that shitty Dazai!”
Of course, given that Chuuya’s image to the public is that of a good older brother character, this has invited a lot of scrutiny. A lot of Chuuya’s fans claim that they’ve never thought they’d hear their idol use harsh language out of his roles.
See, there’s no point in liking this chibi!
There’s really no point, so he also fires back with a, “Going anywhere with a lovely lady is nice… I’m certain to not see a chibi, because he’s too small anyway.”
And things have been great.
He had adjusted to this new kind of lifestyle. His agent even praises him for his new healthy habits.
Moving to a villa further away from the city center and closer to the mountains on the outskirts of Yokohama. Waking up early to do a morning jog. Bringing a liter of water with him whenever he goes out for a shoot. Trying to cook and bringing it to the set for lunch.
Of course, his agent is also keeping a blind eye on the fact that he’s moved to a villa right beside Chuuya’s. Or that his early morning jogs always coincide with Chuuya’s running route. Or that he ends up drinking water while staring intently at Chuuya during the shoots. Or that he ends up bringing his pitiful, undercooked lunch bento so he can coax Chuuya into sharing lunch with him.
But he definitely isn’t into this chibi!
His resolve to hate Chuuya lasts only until he overhears the redhead talking with his own assistant.
“Ha? I’m only being mean to that shitty Dazai because I’m internalizing the character I’m playing. That bastard told me last time that his character is bullying me, that’s why he… k-k-k-k-kissed my neck.”
Dazai trips over his water bottle in his haste to jump Chuuya to bite him again, hopefully somewhere higher this time.
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Because Chuuya is too in-character, he ends up punching him to the wall for that attempt.
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“Giving up isn’t in my dictionary,” Dazai claims, as he slides a blank cheque towards the director for the Dead Apple movie, in exchange for a scene that Dazai penned himself.
Chuuya rescuing him and then landing into his arms, a scene that will be seen by millions. The chibi’s face right over his chest, and if he leans down, he can brush a kiss over the other’s forehead.
Right in front of the camera, Dazai can then confess his feelings and not end up being punched, because Chuuya is a workaholic who will prioritize their filming.
It’s the most perfect plan ever.
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While filming, Chuuya’s face ends up landing on his thigh.
It’s not according to plan, but it’s so much better.
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Of course, this means that afterwards, Chuuya refuses to film any scenes with him ever again, so Dazai ends up having to chase him all over season 3, while also furiously blackmailing the director to have Chuuya rescue him from prison in season 4.
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end?