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1.
The first time Juyeon falls in love with Hyunjae isn’t during their first meeting but their second. Not quite as cliche as love at first sight, maybe not as sweet either but Juyeon always remembers it. But he also remembers how he felt during their first meeting, not quite love but something akin to it.
They met through Juyeon’s brother, Sangyeon. Hyunjae was a friend from college, Sangyeon introduced and the moment Juyeon saw the other’s smile, a warmth bloomed in his chest.
A feeling of knowing. Knowing that he would fall in love with Hyunjae.
Their second meeting was just the two of them, a meeting by chance. Juyeon was on his way back to his apartment when he bumped into Hyunjae walking his dog.
Hyunjae smiled when they saw each other, inviting Juyeon to walk with him. He introduces Juyeon to his dog, a little Shih Tzu named Darong. Juyeon happily greets the puppy, as if meeting a new friend and Hyunjae laughs, hitting the younger’s shoulder playfully.
That was when Juyeon fell in love the first time.
The other was sweet and funny, a little loud but in a way that was charming. He was shy at times, hiding his face behind his hands when something embarrassing happens. He was brave too, telling off the guy he noticed following them.
He was everything and more, maybe too much for Juyeon.
Juyeon never stood a chance.
2.
Becoming Hyunjae’s friend was easy, falling in love with him was even easier. How could it be difficult, when Hyunjae made falling in love the easiest thing in the world?
Hyunjae was kind and caring, smart though he doesn’t act like it. He loved making people laugh, loved making people happy. Hyunjae found joy in other people’s happiness. Though Juyeon would say that Hyunjae himself was happiness personified.
Hyunjae had a beautiful smile, Juyeon calls it the eighth wonder of the world. His laugh was loud, some might say it’s obnoxious but Juyeon thinks it’s the most beautiful sound in the world, second to Hyunjae’s voice. He especially loves when Hyunjae laughs so hard, he starts clapping, smile so wide you can see his teeth.
Juyeon thinks happiness looks beautiful on anyone but on Hyunjae, happiness is ethereal.
That was the second time Juyeon fell in love. When he saw him laugh.
The two were hanging out at Juyeon’s apartment. Juyeon is working on a project and Hyunjae is waiting to get Juyeon’s attention.
“Juyeon,” He calls out, poking the younger’s cheek but Juyeon simply ignores him.
“Juyeonieee.” Hyunjae tries again, dragging his name out. And again, Juyeon ignores him.
“Juyomi.” A poke to his ribs. Ignored.
“Juju.” A pinch to his side. Ignored.
“Lee Juyeon.” A stern voice. Ignored.
“Junyangi.” A cute, saccharine sweet tone. Ignored.
“Meow meow.” Deadpanned. Ignored.
“The nicknames are gonna get weirder the longer you ignore me,” Hyunjae tells him. Juyeon finds him strange but chooses to focus more on his work.
“Chicken salad.” Juyeon raises an eyebrow but ignores him.
“Coat rack.” A confused smile.
“Wet cardboard.” Furrowed brows.
“Door that’s been left slightly ajar.” An amused head shake.
“Bowl of cereal that’s been sitting out for an hour.” That makes Juyeon laugh.
He finally turns to the older. “What is it, hyung?”
“Go on a date with me.” Juyeon freezes and his mouth falls open in shock. Hyunjae lets out a laugh at his expression, having always found it adorable.
Maybe it was his laugh but maybe it could have also been his bluntness. Either way, Juyeon falls a little bit more in love.
3.
That first date went well. So came a second date, and a third, then a fourth and a fifth then so many more. Juyeon couldn’t be happier. It led to so many wonderful things. And Juyeon loved them all but he especially loved the little things.
Little things like Hyunjae having more clothes at Juyeon’s place than his own. (Juyeon steals all of his clothes.)
Juyeon wearing Hyunjae’s hoodies to sleep. (Stolen hoodies.)
Darong no longer peeing from excitement when Juyeon comes over. (‘He’s gotten used to seeing me.’ ‘It’s cause you smell like me from stealing all my clothes.’)
It’s things like how Hyunjae’s hands are always enveloped by Juyeon’s larger ones when they walk together.
How warm Hyunjae’s touch on his small waist is when he wraps his arms around Juyeon when the younger is cooking.
How hot Hyunjae’s lips feel when he trails kisses down Juyeon’s body during the nights they spend together.
How Hyunjae understands what he needs every time without fail even before Juyeon himself knows.
The third time Juyeon falls is when he comes home (to Hyunjae, Hyunjae is home) from a busy and draining day. He wants to rest, wants to curl up into his boyfriend’s broad chest and hide from the world.
So he walks to the bedroom and gets changed, immediately falling into bed after. Only then does he realize how cold and quiet the apartment is. No sign of Hyunjae or Darong. His eyebrows furrow and he frowns.
But then he hears the front door unlock, he hears Darong’s little claws tapping the floor as he runs and jumps onto the couch. He hears Hyunjae yelling at the puppy to get down because the couch will get dirty.
Juyeon steps out from the bedroom and walks up to his boyfriend. He sees the older holding two shopping bags, one in each hand and Juyeon immediately wraps his arms around him, burying his face into the crook of the other’s neck. His body relaxes instantly, finding comfort.
Hyunjae doesn’t return the hug though and Juyeon steps back, worried. Hyunjae’s eyes furrow and he has a worried frown on his face.
“You feel warmer than usual. Are you sick?”
Juyeon places a hand on his forehead and oh, he is warm.
“Come here.” Juyeon leans his head forward and Hyunjae rests their foreheads together. “You definitely have a fever.” Hyunjae pulls away and leaves the shopping bags on the floor, immediately dragging the other back to the room so he can rest.
Hyunjae leaves the room to make him some tea after tucking him in and Juyeon only now thinks of how his boyfriend checked his temperature earlier. So silly, so ridiculous, so sweet and so incredibly and inexplicably Hyunjae.
Juyeon knows he’s fallen in love again as his eyes close and he falls asleep to the sound of rustling in the kitchen.
4.
Their relationship led to so many good things. So many things that Juyeon will always be thankful for. The things he experienced. The feelings they brought him. The feelings that remind him of how in love he is with the other.
Happiness.
Joy.
Euphoria.
Pleasure.
Fear.
The fear of losing Hyunjae. The fear of losing a love that he knows he will never find anywhere else. Fear was the emotion that made him realize just how much he loved the other.
The fear that bubbled whenever they fought. The fear that pricked his skin when Hyunjae came home late. The fear that rose when Hyunjae ignored his calls and texts.
The fear that was realized when Hyunjae left.
The fear that stayed when Juyeon lost him.
That was the fourth time he fell in love.
He doesn’t even remember why they fought. It must have been over something stupid. Most of their fights were. Especially the fights leading up to that moment.
They had both been tired and drained. Work becoming more difficult, bosses more demanding, life just more stressful than it usually was. They had been fighting everyday because of that.
On Monday, it was over a misplaced remote.
On Tuesday, it was a stain on the wall.
Wednesday over spoiled milk.
Thursday over unwashed dishes.
Friday over a new intern at Hyunjae’s job.
Oh. That was why. Juyeon had thought Hyunjae was cheating. His anxiety paired with stress from work just unearthed so many insecurities. Worried that maybe the reason Hyunjae was coming home late wasn’t because of a heavier workload. Worried that the reason Hyunjae was tired was because of him. Worried that Hyunjae no longer loved him the same way Juyeon did.
They fought and harsh words were said. Things that shouldn’t have been said were yelled. Accusations were thrown. And the proposal of break up came so suddenly.
“Let’s break up.” And Juyeon falls silent. He doesn’t say anything.
Not even when Hyunjae leaves.
When the door shuts behind Hyunjae and Juyeon is left with the unbearable silence, the so obvious absence of Hyunjae, does Juyeon realize that he’s in love once again.
5.
Three days.
That’s how long since Hyunjae has decided to walk out.
That’s how long since Hyunjae blocked his number.
That’s how long since Juyeon left his apartment.
Juyeon cries, cries till there are no tears left. Only regrets.
The fear stays. The fear that he may never be able to call Hyunjae his again. The fear that he’s lost him forever. The fear that Hyunjae won’t come back.
After all, what reason has Juyeon given him to do so? To come back and to stay?
Juyeon who loves quietly, who only knows adoration in the form of longing stares.
Juyeon who loves silently, who only shows affection through interlaced pinkies and slight touches.
Juyeon who loves secretly, who only says words of love when Hyunjae says it first.
Hyunjae deserves to be loved loudly. Boldly. Courageously.
Juyeon couldn’t do that.
But he wants to.
Juyeon wants to love selfishly. Juyeon wants to love vulnerably.
He wants to bare his heart and soul to Hyunjae and be the only one Hyunjae does so to. So Juyeon decides to do just that.
He gets up and showers for the first time in three days. Then he gets dressed and leaves the apartment. Then he goes home. To Hyunjae.
He knocks on the door with a determination he’s never felt and he prepares himself, collecting his courage.
But all that courage disappears into worry when Hyunjae opens the door with messy hair and blotchy skin, red-rimmed eyes and tear-stricken cheeks.
“Hyung…” Juyeon pulls Hyunjae into him and they melt into the embrace. Juyeon has come home now.
“Juyeon-ah.” And Juyeon knows from Hyunjae’s voice, that Hyunjae has come home too.
And Juyeon falls again.
+1.
Juyeon falls hard and fast. Certain things make him fall all over again and again. Hyunjae though, has more of a slow build into love. Not quite a fall but more of a gentle floating into it.
He didn’t fall in love with Juyeon at the very beginning. He simply thought the other was cute and sweet. Their second meeting made him grow interested. The younger though taller, with his big hands and lean muscles, liked to appear smaller than he actually was. Hyunjae wanted to protect him from the world because of that. But he wasn’t in love yet. Intrigued? Yes. In love? No.
Then there was the time Hyunjae asked him to go on a date. He remembers not thinking much about it. Just knew that he liked the other enough to want to try a date so he did it. But he wasn’t in love yet. Interested? Yes. In love? Not likely.
Then when they were dating and Juyeon got sick, that was when Hyunjae slowly started realizing just how much he cared. How he cared for the other the way he never has for anyone else. He knew then and there Juyeon would be special to him. But he wasn’t in love yet. Attached? Yes. In love? Maybe.
Then their break up. The fight, the accusations, everything about it. It scared Hyunjae. Scared him that he could’ve lost Juyeon. Scared that he could’ve lost everything. He didn’t want to lose him but he feared that he might just have. But he wasn’t in love yet. Heartbroken? Yes. In love? Almost.
Then he came back. Juyeon came back. And he was home again. But he wasn’t in love yet. Complete? Yes. In love? So close.
So when did he fall?
He fell during a rainy afternoon spent on the couch, takeout on the coffee table and the television playing a movie he didn't care about. Juyeon is curled up in his lap, trying his best to make himself smaller, to take up as little space as he can. Juyeon is in his hoodie, the shorts underneath and the fluffy socks on his feet, all belonging to Hyunjae. He’s watching the movie, not finding it interesting but still wanting to understand because ‘those people put a lot of work into the film!’. Darong is in his lap, asleep as Juyeon strokes his fur.
And that’s when Hyunjae falls. He’s in love now. But maybe he has been all along.