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"Eugene, I-i can't br-eathe" she gasped as that clenching, suffocating feeling gripped her throat like a vice again. Her vision was blurring, going dark - she could barely hear his desperate cries calling her name or the way he was beginning to dial a phone number. She knew what was happening. Another one. Another stupid panic attack. There would be a time one of these days when Eugene wasn't there to catch her. When she literally could fall to the ground and that would be it.
She wasn't really so scared anymore. She'd had these so many times. Each time she hardly remembered what had brought it on. Eugene did tend to freak a little when this happened. The first time it had in their relationship, he had called an ambulance for her. Although it wasn't the necessary call then, it certainly was now. That was why she had so dramatically claimed what was happening. Because she really couldn't breathe, she was just trying to gulp some air and stop hyperventilating and-
Her vision went black.
The ambulance came immediately after he had caught her light and fragile body in his arms, where Eugene looked on with a heavy heart towards the stretcher she lay upon. An oxygen mask on her mouth, tubes in her arms and paramedics speaking to one another medical language which he could hardly understand. God he was so worried. He knew she would be ok. But these anxiety attacks could not just appear out of no where. And he certainly hadn't yet given up trying to find out what it was that caused them.
And once he did that, he would try and and find a way to help her stop having them altogether.
Even though they had been dating for almost eight months now, he hardly knew anything about her. And even though she was not the type to open those gates or break down those walls to anyone, there was something she wasn't telling him. Sure he knew that she had been raised in a broken home just like he had, but he never really understood what that entailed.
As they finished up with her in the middle of the street, wheeling her into the ambulance with Eugene following suit, he desperately tried to connect the dots with what their day had been like before the panic attack had happened. And as the vehicle drove away, he never took his eyes off of her. Not for a second.
They had woken up at ten, well he had anyway, she had been up for two hours before him. Was it something that happened whilst I was asleep? No, it couldn't have been. Because she did the same thing, for months now at eight where she would read in a chair with the lamp on until he woke up. He knew she had certainly not had a panic attack every day, so what was it? They had enjoyed a pancake and coffee breakfast, one that was always her favourite. She then walked to class, maybe she had to present in class which could have triggered it? No, surely not because she was not the type to be afraid of crowds. In fact she encouraged Eugene to be more brave, that was one thing he loved about her.
After class they had met for coffee at their favourite café on the high street. She ordered a blueberry muffin and a raspberry tea, he having a coffee and a chicken sandwich. Same as always so it couldn't have been that. Then they crossed the street to go to the library, they checked out some new books. Rapunzel didn't buy anything. They left the store and began walking back to their apartment.
Then she had turned white in the face, began hyperventilating and exclaimed she couldn't breathe. He swore they were never normally this bad. So he called 911. Luckily they got there in time as she had collapsed in his arms and ultimately had been whisked away by the paramedics. And that was all they did. Was there something he was missing? He didn't want to pressure her in any way, for he could very much relate to not wanting to let your guard down to another person. And its not like she hadn't told him anything. But there was a missing piece of the puzzle that she had not yet revealed. He just desperately wanted to know so he could help her. He cared for her more than anyone else he had cared for in his life and didn't want her to be experiencing this still.
He sighed and grabbed her hand, bending over her slowly whilst tucking the hair behind her ear that had fallen over her closed eyes so he could kiss her on the forehead. God he remembers what she was like when they first met. So bubbly and excited and ready to explore the world. But lately she seemed so... trapped.
And he really wanted to get her out.
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The sirens sounded a few more times before they stopped having arrived at the hospital. He followed them in, signed a few forms, although he wasn't really sure what he was signing, and then followed Rapunzel and the doctors to a room. That continuous doctor medical mumbling happened for a few short minutes as they changed her into a blue gown before they told him she just needed to be checked on for a few hours and that she should wake up soon. He had thanked them as they left, before sitting down into the chair beside her. He grabbed her phone from her jeans pocket that was still with the rest of her clothes and went to search for her therapists phone number. He couldn't really think of anything else.
He dialled and it rang once.
Then twice.
Three times.
A fourth. God weren't therapists supposed to pick up immediately?
Another ring. Then a sixth. Come on pick up, pick up, pick u-
"Hello this is Dr Langley from Old Corona's medical office, whom is it I am speaking to?" Her posh, nasally voice picked up on the phone, causing him to cringe by how professional it all sounded.
"Hi, this is Eugene Fitzherbert, Rapunzel's boyfriend?" He spoke in a quizzical tone, more surprised that she didn't have her patients names on her contact list. There was a moments silence, causing him to tap his foot anxiously, bouncing his leg as his gaze fell on Rapunzel's sleeping form again.
"Ah hello Mr Fitzherbert, of course. Is everything alright today? How is miss Moore?"
"Uh not too great" he paused, fearing that when he exclaimed what had happened, his voice would crack and tears would start to fall from his eyes.
There was a lingering silence and he thought she was about to say something so he just proceeded to blurt it out.
"Rapunzel had a panic attack again. It was bad this time, she's in hospital. She's fine, but I'm so desperate Dr Langley" Sharing his own feelings to a therapist over the phone? Not such a great idea.
"Oh I'm very sorry to hear that Mr Fitzherbert, would you like to book an emergency therapy appointment for Miss Moore? I understand what these panic attacks can do to her and to you. Would you want me to come in to see you?" No way, that was too much pressure on Rapunzel right now.
"No! Uh sorry, no I don't think so. Please I need help here, can you tell me anything about what might trigger them? She must have told you something" Eugene of course knew the answer, but it was still worth a try.
The silence lingered again.
"You know this Mr Fitzherbert" Ah there it was "We take patient confidentiality very serious here and only she can tell you personally, that is, if she's comfortable too"
"Please, I don't- I can't let this happen again. Is there anything I can do or say that can help her?" He now stood up from his chair and began pacing back and forth, sweeping a hand through his hair as an unconscious habit to try and calm himself down.
"Mr Fitzherbert, if the patient is having problems she will talk to me as a professional" He sighed and stopped pacing, leaning back against the far wall from the bed.
"I'm sorry Eugene, I wish I could tell you more. But Miss Moore has to open up to you, you can't force it to happen. This takes time, let her know that you're there for her and don't let your own mentality get in the way of-"
"I'm not the one who needs therapy. Goodbye" He hung up and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. Ugh! Why does this have to be so har-
"Eugene?" A faint, soft whisper called out to him from across the room, all relief filling his body again as he raced back over to her and grasped her hand as a life force.
"Oh Blondie you're ok, thank goodness" He went to kiss her hand but she restrained him, giving him a serious look as if she was suddenly really annoyed at him.
"Rapunzel what's wrong?" She sat up despite his protests for her not to so she could look at him squarely in the eye to say what she was about to.
"Why are you calling my therapist? I thought you trusted me Eugene! The things I tell my therapist are for her and her alone, not for you to go snooping around my history like I'm some felon whose committed a crime! Why would you do that!" Eugene just sat there dumbfounded, feeling a pang of regret and guilt, but that ever so slightly more agitated that she would completely refuse telling him what was triggering these panic attacks.
"Are you..What do you expect me to do Rapunzel! You collapsed in my arms back there, you were white as a ghost and you said you couldn't breathe! I was so worried, I am always so worried Rapunzel! One day this is gonna happen and I'm not gonna be there to call the ambulance. Rapunzel I couldn't handle it if I lost you. You won't tell me anything! I get that you need time to tell me these things but don't hold back from me completely the things that caused what happened today!" He was trying to sound sincere, but he was just so mad at her out of something she couldn't really control. Now he felt super guilty. But the need to find out what it was fuelled him still.
"Eugene I- I can't. I just can't. Will you not just let it go? Please I really just want to leave now"
"No I will not let it go! You- god Rapunzel don't you understand what just happened. You could have died!" After he yelled that, the entire room went silent and Rapunzel's breath hitched in her throat at just how angry, no, how much he deeply cared about this. Of course she wanted to tell him! So badly but her entire life before she met him had been a lie, a complete embarrassing pathetic wreck. And deep inside, although she did not voice it aloud, was terrified he would leave just like everyone else did in her life once he discovered the truth.
"Eugene"
"I think I need some air" And with that, he picked up his jacket and walked out the room, feeling immensely guilty straight after.
He sighed and leaned against the wall, trying to ignore what he thought were the faint muffled cries of Rapunzel from inside the room. He wanted to go back in there, tell her just sorry he was for pushing her on such a sensitive subject. They would make up and go back to the way everything was before. But then there was that. Forgetting this day happened and continuing to avoid communication or each others feelings. No, he would give it some time, give her some time to do what it is she really wanted to do. He began walking to the vending machine, digging through his pockets to find loose change, more so to distract himself from her depressed, green eyes, the muffled noise of her crying and the whiteness of her face that still lingered in minds eye
Rapunzel had stared blankly at the wall in front of her before the tears fell from her eyes, slowly at first, and then the floodgates opened and she couldn't hold back. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was. How her life before meeting him was so horrible that she had been having these panic attacks for so many years. And she was secretly terrified by what Eugene had said. Because it was true. One day it would happen and she would have driven the two so far apart that he couldn't catch her is she fell. She curled up into a sad ball, laid on her side and shut her eyes for a few moments, succumbing to dreams that were only of the past.
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"Rapunzel dear, will you come and make breakfast for me flower" Her mothers high pitched, sing-song voice bellowed from the living room, waking Rapunzel up from sleep that she believed had been much needed. 'you will not leave this home ever!' her mother had yelled forcefully at the young girl just the night before.
In truth, Rapunzel had been wishing to go outside to see the annual fireworks show at the park across town, they were beautiful from afar, but she truly wanted the whole experience. How she could wrap up warm in a scarf and boots and mittens, wrap her hands around a hot chocolate and gaze at the marvelling array of colours before her, the sound loudly banging against her ear drums in the most wonderful of ways. And of course in this dream there would be someone there to comfort her too, wrapping their strong arms around her waist with such love, adoration and warmth in the eyes.
But when she had shared her desires to her mother, being careful to exclude that last part after how much the woman had told her stay away from men at all costs, all she had received was a belittling, one sided argument about how she was not strong enough to be out in the world. It was always the same.
So as she got out of bed, wrapping her robe tightly around her waist and began making breakfast, it was as if nothing had changed.
And then the sirens sounded. Red and blue flashing lights surrounding the windows of the third floor apartment. It was night and her mother had just returned from work, looking out of breath and almost blue in the face, yelling rapidly about how they had to leave, pack up their stuff and leave. At first she was confused, seeing as how her mother never wanted her to talk about leaving, yet alone do it altogether. She remembered feeling in that moment a huge flurry of emotions. Excitement, wonder, fear but mostly excitement. But then the flashing appeared.
Her mother had been ripped away from her by the hands of a forceful police man - Rapunzel remembered how much she had cried as she desperately tried to cling onto her mothers arm, telling her not to leave.
"She kidnapped you Rapunzel as a baby, your parents, your real parents I must tragically inform you have died due to a fire ten years ago" their voices echoed in her ears, telling her in fact it was all true, but she wouldn't believe it.
"No!" She screamed.
"Blondie" That familiar male voice called out to her. NO! She screamed again. Make this all go away. No! Mother no!
"Rapunzel" Her body shook immensely. Why wouldn't they just leave her alone! My Parents, no please, this can't be happening. She couldn't believe it. After all this time. Why were they laughing at her now, couldn't they see the pain she was in, couldn't th-
"Rapunzel!" Her eyes flew open as she shot up in bed, only being stopped from having another panic attack as hands gently grabbed her shoulders to calm her down. It took her a few moments to bring herself back into reality, and when she did, found that she was facing the concerned amber gaze of her boyfriend. She couldn't help but whimper at the images that had just plagued her mind, as well as the words that had been said from one another not long before. Soon her body was being wracked with sobs, not being able to do anything other than let the tears fall from her eyes again.
"Hey-hey it's ok, shh you're safe ok, no one can hurt you now" He soothed as she fell against him, into his arms sobbing heavily into his chest whilst he slowly rubbed her back and unconsciously rocked her back and forth to help her breathe a little easier. He wasn't really sure who he was protecting her from, but from what she had been desperately mumbling in her sleep, he knew that couldn't be ignored. He had just moments earlier been walking back to the room when he noticed her thrashing around in her sleep. He had then raced into the room and sat on the bed in an attempt to wake her up, worried out of his mind by the heart monitor beeping faster and faster.
"Eugene I-I, ah, I" She tried to form a sentence but failed to do so as more sobs just overtook her body.
"Breathe for me Rapunzel, come on, do it with me" He then began to take even, deep breaths in and out, urging her to do the same as her head lay against his chest, hearing his steady, grounding heartbeat. At first hers were short and she breathed out a lot sooner than he did. Was she ever going to catch her breath? This went on for what felt like forever. His calming, deep breaths not matching her fast, uneven ones. But soon she started to focus more, and matched her breaths with his until she could feel her once racing heart slow down to a much more normal pace. This was only reflected by the frequent beeps of the machine behind her to inform she was calming down.
Once he felt she was not crying as much anymore and could actually breathe, he allowed her to pull away from him where she stared up lovingly into his eyes through her tear soaked lashes.
"Ah, there we go" Eugene was beyond relieved he had managed to calm her down, he hadn't done so before so at least they were making some progress after all. A brief, but small smile lifted onto her lips as to thank him whilst she leant back once more against the pillow. The silence remained for a few short minutes until finally Eugene had the courage to say something.
"We need to talk about this Rapunzel, I-" He was about to continue on before she suddenly interrupted him with her hand landing in his.
"I know, I know we do, but can you just..lie with my for a little bit" She blushed slightly as he chuckled, still surprised by herself when she wanted to be intimate with him, even if it was just cuddling in bed. He had to give in then, one reason being he desperately, although secretly, had wanted to all day and another reason because he just simply could not resist the pleading look in eyes and small pout on her lips.
"Alright" He scooted up so he was now lying next to her whilst she lifted up the sheet for him to get under and wrap his arms around her waist. He kissed her bare shoulder that had revealed itself from under the blue hospital gown and soon buried his head into her neck to take in her scent. Even though they were in a hospital that stunk of bleach, the faint scent of her vanilla shampoo remained in her blonde hair that was still tied into a bun from when she had tied it up earlier. They remained like this for what felt like hours and he really wanted to stay as they were, his arms wrapped around her waist, her gently rubbing her small hands across his, but it couldn't last forever.
However, as if reading his thoughts, she suddenly swivelled round so she was facing his gaze again, leaning forward slightly to lean her forehead against his. Taking in a deep, courageous breath, she thought that now she had to tell him everything. She loved him and couldn't bare him not knowing. But she also knew the risks and what could be the consequences of the truth.
"You look like you've got a lot on your mind Blondie" he joked slightly, although it did not hide the concerned tone of his voice.
"I wanna tell you Eugene, god I've wanted to tell you for so long. But you have to promise me something first" He looked at her hesitantly, not entirely sure what this promise entailed, but nodded anyway, again not hiding the worry in his eyes as she looked down at the sheet beneath them, seemingly trying to find away to get her words out. Using his hand, he gently lifted her chin up to meet his gaze again, hoping he had given her a surge of courage or any type of bravery that could help her now.
"Promise...promise me that you'll do what is best for you once I tell you this. It's a lot to take in Eugene and I need to know that you will do what you need for yourself, not for me, ok?" What was this all about?
"Rapunzel-"
"Promise me Eugene!" She begged, a pleading look in her eyes to get him to understand what exactly she was trying to say to him. She sat up onto her knees, him following as she awaited his answer.
"I-I promise" He sighed deeply, feeling a large amount of regret having just said the words. What did she mean do what's best for him? What like, leave her? No surely not, he would never. Hang on, I can't agree to this!
"Wait-"
"The reason why I've been getting these panic attacks, it's not anything you've done Eugene. It's me, and I know that it may not seem so bad, but I don't know why, they just happen when...when we stick to a routine..."
Now he was confused, what did she mean by routine? Doing the same thing over and over?
"I-i feel like I'm in an endless cycle lately, one that I can't seem to get out of" she threw her hands up, trying to find the best way to explain how she had been feeling. His gaze however never faltered, he had his full attention on her with no intent of turning away.
"I don't know, I just feel like the old me is looking in from the outside screaming at me now to do something. Make a change in the world. Experience a new experience. Eugene" She sighed and tried to prepare herself now to literally reveal her entire past to him. It's do or die. Either he'll stay, or he'll leave. He seemed to notice the desperate and terrified look in her eyes as he grabbed both of her hands in his, trying to be an anchor for her during a treacherous storm so that she cannot fly away. She smiled at him softly, glad he was here with her. For however long that may be.
"When-when I was younger, I lived in a third floor apartment with my mother. We lived in Corona, and I had an amazing view of the annual firework show that used to happen across town" She smiled at the memory and it seemed that Eugene did at her words too. "I dreamt so badly of going to see those fireworks, I swear I used to pray on my hands and knees every night that my mother would surprise me and take me one year" The two laughed at this then, lightening up the already very tense conversation. On her part anyway.
"But Eugene, before I met you, I hadn't been in the outside world for...seventeen years" His eyes seemed to grow in a look of horror and concern, large as saucers, whilst hers were just saddened and gazed down at their connected hands.
"I'd seen it all from afar, but never did I actually leave. My mother would be gone for work at seven and would not be back until five so you could imagine I had to find ways to keep myself busy" she laughed half-heartedly, recalling in her mind the many ways she had made herself entertained.
Eugene however did not seem so happy. What was that look on his face? Disgust? Disbelief? Or just simply shock? She thought as she waited for him to say something.
Seventeen Years? Now he felt god awful for how he had been acting, no wonder she was getting panic attacks, he had known trauma, but nothing as bad as that.
"Oh god, Rapunzel, I'm so sorry for the way I-"
"No Eugene, I don't want you to apologise. I mean at the time it wasn't so bad" She sighed again, a reminiscent look on her face as she gazed towards the wall, the only thing reeling her back into reality was Eugene gently squeezing her hand out of support. She turned her attention back to him, his eyes holding all the strength she needed to continue.
"I had learnt how to cook from a young age, it didn't always go well considering I wasn't tall enough to reach the stove" She laughed dejectedly at that, Eugene trying to be reassuring by lifting a smile onto his lips, although it didn't quite meet his saddened eyes. Why haven't I done more to help her? She was so excited to see the world, and the reason was because she hadn't seen it all. Allowing his thoughts suddenly to be interrupted, she continued.
"I also learnt to paint, that took up quite a lot of my time which my mother seemed to like as she bought me lots of canvases and supplies, I played Guitar, I knit, although I wasn't very good at it, and quite a lot of the time...I read" She smiled at him then - he knew how much she liked to read, it was no surprise to him.
"All of that, well I did it every day. For a long time. And when I finally got out, I couldn't seem to find my way out of a routine. You know my favourite breakfast, that was what I made my mother and I every morning. And when we went to the bookstore today, I saw one of the books I used to read, and the I just couldn't get her or anything else out of my head" She knew that was what had caused the panic attack, the moment she walked out that shop, her throat felt tighter, and her chest ached like it always did before one happened.
"Rapunzel, I-i can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you. And I'm so sorry I've been such an Ass" He laughed and so did she. He knew how to lighten the mood, always.
"We're going to...going to buy every book in that store! An-and I'll make you every breakfast there is out there. We won't eat it at home, we'll go on a boat ride, or a picnic, or hell we'll leave the country! Whatever you want to do ok?" She laughed at that, her soul finding an ounce of happiness again by how incredible he was. But she hadn't told him the whole truth, and all that happiness? It would be gone in moments. She shouldn't keep him unknowing about all of this.
"I'm sorry I haven't done more to help, and I promise we can get out-" Suddenly he stopped himself, recognising the depressed look in her eye again. Was that not all there was to know?
"Rapunzel?" He placed his hand on her cheek, wiping away a tear with his thumb that had managed to escape her eye.
"Eugene, that's not the whole truth. I haven't told you this because...I'm so afraid. But you made that promise, so you're gonna do what's best for you when I tell you this" Before he could objectify, she began to tell the truth of her past. How she belonged to no one, how she seemed to have some curse inside her that made nobody want her. Whatever he wants to do, he must do it, she thought to herself as she started to speak.
"One night, my mother came home, telling me we had to leave. She gave me no reason, but I didn't really care because I was finally going to be able to see the world. But then the police showed up" She then removed her hands from Eugene's, wrapping them around her body as if it would protect her from the truth she always knew was there.
"They took her away, and then later I found out why. It turned out...she had..she had kidnapped me as a child. An-and my parents hadn't even gone to look! They had apparently died when I was seven from a house fire. Eugene, I don't have a family, no one has ever wanted me, it's like I'm constantly being followed by my past" Eugene couldn't believe what she had just told him. All he wanted to do now was to wrap her up in his arms and hold her close, telling her how much he loved her. He swore in that very moment, he wanted to marry her. He would marry her. But by the way she started to cry again, she didn't seem to believe she was worthy of this love.
"I understand if you can't handle all of this Eugene, I'm so much of a burden to you. The way I'm constantly worrying you, and I didn't even tell you why! Like who does that!" She threw her hands up again, feeling so overwhelmed by emotions all coming out at once.
"No ones ever wanted me before an-and everyone that I thought loved me have only lied. I am so afraid to open myself up to you and I know I can't make you wait forever. No one should be left in the dark about that kind of stuff Eugene. You have such a kind, beautiful heart and I know I'm not good enough for yo-"
Her rambling however was cut short by Eugene moving closer, placing his hands on her cheeks and planting the most passionate, loving yet delicate kisses on her lips, being the anchor for the harmony and love the two began to share. At first she was completely stunned by how he hadn't ran five miles away from her by now, but then realised that he was in fact not running away at all. It took her a few seconds to comprehend what was happening, but soon, she came back to reality and responded by running her hands through his soft hair, their lips pressing against each other in a the most perfect way. He ran his hands soon after down her back, feeling the delicate skin peaking from beneath the gown she wore.
They soon however had to come up for air, both opening their eyes and staring into each others souls with only love in their hearts, their breaths heaving. Once Eugene had seemed to catch his breath, he did not hesitate to speak.
"Rapunzel, you are the most incredible, brave and miraculous woman I have ever known. You were so courageous for telling me what you did today. God I can't even imagine what you went through. And I am not going anywhere do you hear me? I am fulfilling that promise right now and telling you that what is best for me, is to be with you, for the rest of our lives" Her breath caught in her throat, feeling only tears of joy pricking her eyes. How do I deserve someone as incredible as him?
Noticing the relieved look in her eye, he pulled her in to hug of which she couldn't deny for a second. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, gripping so tightly for fear that he would disappear right in front of her. But like he promised, he stayed. He held her close and whispered in her ear how much he loved her. He didn't move, nor did the hug falter.
That dream, seeing the fireworks, a cold November night with a warm drink in her hands, well it hardly came close to the man that was in her arms now. When she was younger, that was all she ever wanted to see, for that vision she had constantly in her mind to come true, but that one part, a person who looked into her eyes with love and adoration, who wrapped their arms around her waist and never let go - it was real.
That new dream was actually true, he did not run away and he did not cower. They still had to work some things out, help her work on getting better.
But for now, she remained in his warmth, in his arms and for once, she finally believed that she was worthy of his love.