Chapter Text
Barnaby never really had friends.
He’d always been shy as a child and well, since his parents passed, he never really did have much of a desire to talk to anyone. He missed Aunty Samantha. Mr. Maverick said he couldn’t afford to keep her on. Barnaby understood. He really did. He wasn’t upset at Samantha either. She had a family to feed, and she called whenever she could. And it wasn’t like he was completely on his own. Maverick spent all the time he could with Barnaby. He had tutors and housekeepers to look after him. But he was still just so lonely.
It was a strange thing to be a lonely child in mourning. Grief had torn a hole in him and loneliness ringed in it like an echo that never stopped. Barnaby marveled at how loud all the silence could get, at how he couldn’t bring himself to speak. The fragile quiet was so easy to get lost in that it hollowed out the feeling of loss Barnaby just couldn’t lose without it. The quiet was the only reason he could sleep. It was cold and still and dark, but it was the only thing keeping him from grief. Barnaby didn’t even realize how much less of him there was, until Maverick told him he needed to go back to school. The quiet could eat him up alive, yet…
It was easy to keep his head down, to disappear in the back of the class. Easier still, to keep his grades up. Nobody bothered him much. He left others alone in return. School was no different to the house, after all. It wasn’t hard to find the quiet even amongst the chatter of a room full of 8 year olds.
Barnaby was 10 when he d̶̲̳͌̍̾̓ḛ̴̘͋͊̽̒̌c̵̢̹̣̭̾i̵͎̥͔̯͙͍̕d̶̪̺̿e̴̢̼͙͍̳̋̋̏̇̕d̷̩̓* to become a Hero. He’d find out who killed his parents. He’d get justice himself.
Middle school passed like elementary, in a blur. Barnaby started looking for information on what happened that night. He still kept his grades up, joined the baseball team when Maverick pressured him. Surprisingly, he enjoyed it, so he joined the track team too. It wasn’t hard balancing the sports with his investigations. He never slept much, he had a good memory, and nothing else to keep him busy during the hours he spent at home. But spots meant he was visible now.
Barnaby didn’t shy away from the fact he was good looking. He knew it’d be an asset in becoming a hero. That, coupled with the sports and his class performance, meant he started getting more and more attention from his fellow classmates. He found that he enjoyed being admired. It was not the same as having friends. Or, at least Barnaby supposed, it wasn’t. The friendships he’d seen, even if only from the outside, were different somehow.
N̷͕̏o̶͔̎b̶̖͆o̴̪̚ḍ̷̛y̴̥͂ ̵͉̈ȁ̵̙s̶̳̓k̶̯̅e̵̙͋d̴͇̓ ̴̺̏h̶̦͋i̷̧̽m̵̲͋ ̷̜̄t̶̠̓õ̵͈ ̵̹͠h̷̼͗a̸̦̓v̵̲̏é̶̳ ̴̛͜ľ̸͉u̵̜̒n̸͇̈c̴̙͂h̸̺̽ ̶̖̅w̸͍̓i̵͉ẗ̵̰́h̷̻̅ ̷̼͘t̷̬̾h̶͍̓e̶͔̕m̶̫̐.̴̲ ̷̉͜N̵̛̺o̶̥̅b̶̨̚ơ̷̱ḋ̷̤y̴̦͠ ̸̦̎t̶̡̉r̶̭͌i̴̞͗e̸̞͊d̵̺̀ ̶̱̊t̸̢̂ǒ̷̱ ̴̨̓s̴̢̛e̸͗͜e̷̛̫ ̶͙́ḧ̸̰i̷̩͝ṁ̸̗ ̵̡͒a̵̰̍f̴͚͐t̶̖͝e̶̫̾r̴̜̅ ̴̯̈́ṣ̵͂c̵̭̎ĥ̶̲ȍ̸̡o̴͚l̴͖̏.̶̖̈́ ̸̟̒P̴͖̍ḙ̸ỏ̴̢p̷̱̚l̷̳̍e̸̹̒ ̸̮͑t̸̜̊ȑ̷̬ë̴̖ă̶̤t̶̚ͅe̸̤̽d̴̪͛ ̸̨̅ḣ̵̡ḭ̷̌m̴͕̀ ̶̮̿l̶̤̐i̶̳͌ḳ̶̑ë̷̝́ ̷̣͘h̴̲̃ẽ̸̼ ̵̦w̶̟͑ą̶̓s̴̛̫ ̶̮̿c̴̨͂ỏ̵̗n̴̫̏ṫ̸ͅa̸͖͒m̵̢̚i̶͎͂n̵̥͌a̷̲͝ṱ̴̒ė̸̳d̸̢̿ ̷̦̔s̸̻̏ô̶̩ṁ̶̗ê̴͉h̸̝̃o̴̜͌w̵̱̕.̵͚͊ ** and maybe they were right to do so. His childhood grief had grown into a void so big, that people felt it instinctively, and knew to stay away lest they fall in. It suited Barnaby just fine too. He wasted enough time at school. He didn’t have time for friends too.
But nevertheless, being noticed by the student body was still.… nice, in it’s own way. It was the way they looked at him, the way everyone was always aware of him. Like, they had to fight to take their attention away. Like, he was someone worth looking at, even while he was being swallowed from the inside. Whatever, he was to them, or they were to him, it was enough for Baranaby. He was happy with his high school experience. But the quiet never left.
Barnaby was thankful for it really. Most days, the quiet was the only way he could live with himself. He could give himself to it, get lost somewhere in the stillness of it all. But some days, it took Barnaby captive against his will. Somewhere on the way to school, or halfway through chasing a lead, Barnaby would be gone and come back to himself sometime later having lost time he didn’t even feel go by. The quiet could eat him alive, he always knew, but somewhere between 10 and 20, Barnaby realized that it was doing just that. He couldn’t bring himself to care much.
Kotetsu is his first real friend in every way that matters.
It’s strange almost to realize Kotetsu wanted him around outside of the time they had to spend together. It was stranger still, to realize that he’d go out of his way to do things for Barnaby. It didn’t make sense at all. Especially since, Kotetsu would never fail to contradict him constantly through it all. What was he aiming for even? Baranaby just couldn’t figure him out. Somewhere between the endless hunt for petty criminals and equally relentless promotion work for Apolion, it clicked for Baranby.
Kaburagi T. Kotetsu, the infamous Wild Tiger, was incapable of performing. Kotetsu agreed with Barnaby when he agreed, helped him when he wanted to and argued when he thought Barnaby was in the wrong. He wasn’t playing a role or doing what’s expected of him at all. He just behaved the way that came naturally to him. This man had somehow been in the world over 30 years and managed to keep his heart on his sleeve. He didn’t care for masks, personas, or marketability. Just privacy, just principles. He was a genuine person who still wanted Baranaby around just for the heck of it.
This didn’t make trusting Kotetsu any easier. That part of Baranaby was already eaten up. He just felt like he’d been paired with a person stupid enough, naive enough to not hide away the important things, someone too dumb to invent some sort of quiet of his own. And lord knows, nothing about Kotetsu was quiet. Even in his silences, he was never so still for any voids to catch him. He danced closer and closer and closer to Barnaby and his blackhole of a heart-- never falling in, completely ignoring the depth of Barnaby’s darkness.
It took even longer for Barnaby to realize that Kotetsu wasn’t stupid at all. He wanted to kick himself for ever having thought that at all. He was the stupid one, or maybe he was just deluded. So sure of his own shallow read of the man in front of him, he missed the same void of grief that marked Kotetsu too. His partner had been broken like Baranby was, but despite it all, Kotetsu chose to be there. He fought tooth and nail to keep his heart on his sleeve, to be kind despite it all and to keep on fighting. He had decided not to hide away.
And maybe sometimes their blackholes balanced each other out. Maybe Baranby could fish out the parts of him that were devoured, if Kotetsu stayed beside him and helped fight that impossible gravity. Maybe Barnaby could manage to give Kotetsu the chance to dig out his own lost pieces. Maybe, that deep warmth Baranby felt under the kaleidoscope of emotions for Kotetsu, was companionship.
Kotetsu had become Baranaby’s first friend without him even knowing it.
“Now, now, handsome,” Nathan patted his back. “We all know how much our Wild Tiger means to you.”
Barnaby blinked, and found himself sitting on a bench on the roof of the HEROTV building, looking out at the city skyline sparkling in the night. Nathan was pressed against his side. Kotetsu, Antonio and Ivan stood a few feets ahead. The trio were swaying together, as if to a song only they could hear. He didn’t remember getting here. What was going on?
“Aww baby, you’re still a bit drunk, probably. You were just gone. Don’t panic, it was just a few minutes, and you had Nathan here, to take care of you.” Nathan said, pressing themselves more firmly on his side. It was comforting, in a way that was still so new to Barnaby. He couldn’t help but turn to look at the person next to them suddenly realizing that he was with another friend he didn’t realize he had. Nathan Seymur, The Fire Emblem, was Barnaby’s friend.
He remembered being dragged by Kotetsu to a new Hero bar. A series of increasingly dumb drinking games. Something about watching the sunrise from the HEROTV roof and then...
Oh. It was quiet again.
After everything that happened with Jake, Barnaby thought the quiet would just go away. It didn’t. It only started taking him more frequently. He found he didn’t need it the same way anymore. And well, he was scared it would grab him in the middle of a fight or a chase, and he’d be dead weight. He’d spoken to Saito about it, albeit reluctantly. He whispered something completely ineligible in answer-- something, something, dissociation. Something, something, memory gaps-- and handed Barnaby the number of a shrink. He couldn’t protest that he needed to see someone. His memory distorting-- who was that man, the one who killed his parents-- everything going fuzzy, the void, the quiet-- yeah, Barnaby needed help. He had needed it for years. He’d gone to one too, for a bit in his youth. It wasn’t any good.
But things were different now. Barnaby knew it by the lack of panic despite being snatched somewhere right in front of his friends. It was okay if he was away for a bit. They would still be here when he was back.
“Bunny! I’m so glad you’re baaaaack!” Barnaby looked up to find Kotetsu making his way towards them, “No fair, Nathan, don’t hog Bunny all to yourself.”
Nathan huffed, “Why ever not? You get Handsome all to yourself all day long.”
Kotetsu pouted in answer. Before he got a chance to say anything, Antonio spoke up, “Yeah, yeah. But I don’t get to see Barnaby much either. Or you for that matter, Nathan. Get over here you lot. Keith is gonna be here soon and we need to grab him before he floats away.”
Kotetsu was pulling him up before Antonio finished his sentence. He wrapped one arm around Barnaby’s waist, the other around Nathan’s, forcing them both closer to the ledge, where Keith would supposedly float over. It was a whole fiasco. Snagging the blonde from the sky was harder than it looked. It involved shurikens, three bottles of strawberry milk, Antonio’s shirt completely mangled, shaving cream, the contents of Keith’s pocket, a traffic sign and several small fires that had nothing to do with Nathan’s powers.
Barnaby found himself in Ivan’s apartment at the end of night, along with the rest of the group. They barely managed to throw themselves on the tatami mat of the living room, limbs sprawled halfway on top of one another, most falling asleep before hitting the floor. Keith’s apartment was just a block away and thrice as big. But nobody brought it up. They had wanted to be close.
Barnaby marveled at the warmth of it all. At the life and sound and flow of a bunch of people, letting go of all common sense and just reveling in companionship. So this is what it was, to not be lonely, to have friends.Kotetsu’s head was pillowed on one his arms, Nathan’s head on his thigh. He couldn’t tell if it was Ivan or Keith’s foot pressing against his rib. He could barely shift without starting a rippling effect waking up drunk people. But far from being trapped, Barnaby felt safe here. The void in him wasn’t gone, and the quiet could take him again. But it didn’t matter just then. He could fight to keep himself from disappearing into the gravity--he would go back to the shrink, he’d figure out the deal with Jake and the gaps in his memories---and if he was gone in silence--disassociated, whatever-- well, he’d still be safe. His friends would keep him with them until he came back. And Kotetsu. Kotetsu will laugh, or smile, or touch his hand, and the frosted corners of Barnaby’s heart will start to melt again.
“Can’t sleep?” Kotetsu mumbled into Barnaby’s shoulder.
“Mmm” Barnaby hummed back, wondering if it’d be okay to wrap his arm around Kotetsu again. “Was jus’ thinking about you.”
His partner laughed in answer. Was his laugh always this deep? Dammit, this was a night for stupidity. Barnaby threw caution to the air and pulled Kotetsu closer. The risk paid off when Kotetsu just burrowed closer, lips against the skin now, from where Barnaby’s t-shirt had slipped. “What about me?”
“Just...you. You bein’ my friend and now I. Well, I…” Words escape him. “Just havin’ friends now. I‘m not used to not being alone. But ‘m not alone right now and it’s thanks to you. I have friends now.”
“Bunny,” Kotetsu pulled away from his shoulder and Barnaby instantly regretted everything. But Kotetsu was looking at him. Oh , that was nice. His gaze sent a shudder through Barnaby. This was new. This was the warmth he felt with Kotetsu dialed to a hundred until it’s pure, burning, heat. Barnaby could barely make out his face in the dark of the apartment. But he had a feeling that Kotetsu felt it too. He must, right? Barnaby didn’t have it in him to create a moment this charged all on his own.
“The ships need to take flight immediately.” Ivan mumbled from somewhere to his left.
Antonio let out the loudest snore known to man in answer.
The moment was gone, the charge vanishing like it was never there to begin with. Irritation sparked and then frizzled out in Barnaby like a first attempt at starting a campfire. He mourned whatever it was that had just disappeared. But ultimately, it was okay, too. Kotetsu was still looking at Barnaby.
“Bunny,” he continued, “I think we somehow joined a family without us realizing.”