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Tsukishima had been locked up in his room for yet another day,nothing but his thoughts and some slight rays of sunshine shining through his closed blinds.God when was the last time he had even opened those.
Laying on his bed he couldn’t even remember when was the last time he ate,when was the last time he bathed,when was the last time he did anything really.
Then the door opened allowing the slightest bit of light to enter the room,it was tadashi. He looked a bit tired with eye bags under his big eyes he was always so insecure about. Tsukishima could see the small blush surrounding his cheeks, was it hot outside? Hell how would he even know.
“Oh tsukki.” said tadashi in a sigh, he continued, “why do you keep doing this to yourself.”
He slowly let his bag down on the floor that was a total mess. He sat down on his bed gently,as if he didn’t want to scare him. Tsukishima still not saying a word and just observing his features in awe, as if this was the first time he was looking at his face.
Tadashi started stroking tsukki’s hair gently,he could feel the grease surrounding it but he didn’t care. He gave him a warm smile, one of those smiles a mother gives to her child,a loving mother that is. It was comforting for tsukki, he felt safe again after a while.
“Please come lay next to me" said Tsukishima.
Tadashi’s eyes widened to his request, but of course he would never deny.
Tsukishima moved a little further to make space for him. Tadashi made himself comfortable on tsukki’s bed claiming the left side of the bed as his.
This isn’t the first time they did this,they used to sleep together all the time when they were younger. Tsukki would often hug tadashi when there was a storm outside to make him feel safer.But the tables have turned.
Tadashi put his arm around tsukki, never once breaking eye contact with him, as if he was scared he’s gonna disappear if he lets him out of his sight.
Tsukishima felt tadashi’s arm around him,embracing him, it felt sort of….warm.
He felt safe again,he felt like everything would be okay for once.
Tears covering up his eyes,he couldn’t see clearly.
With his other hand,tadashi slowly wiped the tears off of his friend’s pale face,observing his beautiful features.
His pretty eyes weren’t shining like they used to when they had their midnight conversations,talking about how they’re going to get married one day no matter what their families said. Talking about the future they planned on spending together.
His eyes were red, god they were so red, how much had he even cried today, how much had he even cried this whole time.
The bags under his eyes were giving off the fact he hadn’t gotten any sleep either. His beautiful blonde eyelashes looked so weak now.
Tadashi took a small glimpse of the pillow next to him, there were lying tsukki’s blonde hairs, as if someone ripped his hair off his head. But no, his hair was falling off by itself, that’s how unhealthy he was.
You could really see his bones through his smooth skin, he hadn’t eaten in days. He refused to eat because the thought he didn’t deserve it wouldn’t leave his mind. Why would he deserve it anyway? He couldn’t even get out of bed to do the smallest things. Couldn't even help his friend.
“I know,I look disgusting.” said Tsukishima trying his best to look away, but he couldn’t stop looking at tadashi, it was as if he couldn’t get enough of him.
“Tsukki I would never find you disgusting” Tadashi said, a voice crack leaving his mouth. He was so close to start crying as well. Seeing his best friend, the love of his life like this.
Tsukki’s eyes starting to well up again,burning, god he wanted to rip them off so much. That still didn’t stop him from looking at tadashi, he’d rather feel like this than forget what he looked like. He stared at his freckles,god his beautiful freckles. Eighteen they were exactly Eighteen, tsukishima knew this cause he counted them every time he got the chance. Those eighteen freckles that he kept comparing to the stars everytime tadashi got insecure about them.
“You have the stars on your face yamaguchi, why would you hate the stars”. That’s what he always told him and he could always see tadashi’s face light up when he said that sentence and that was enough to make him happy as well.
He cupped tadashi’s face with his slim hand, touching every freckle, admiring it. He observed his rosy cheeks and nose, memorising every different shade of red as if he was a beautiful colour palette,full of different shades that you could choose from to create your art. He then moved on to his eyes, they looked so tired, had he been getting no sleep as well? His gorgeous dark brown eyes had lost their spark,they now looked kind of….guilty.
He took notice of the red spots around his nose too, Tadashi always picked at them every time he was nervous. Now they were so red and dry, like he had been trying to rip his skin off. But what he really focused on were yamaguchi's lips, they were so dry and chapped but he didn't care about that, those were the lips he had kissed so many times, the lips he was so proud to know that were his, he was the only one who knew what they felt like and he would never trade that for anything. Still looking at them, he was memorizing every single one of the cracks on his lips, to him they were beautiful, he knew Yamaguchi's habits and he had learnt to love every single one of them. Whenever Tadashi would feel stupid for making them look like that Tsukishima would always compare them to art.
"Tadashi, think of it as if you're creating your own art on your very own lips. Every time you have a clear canvas, you create art in different and more unique shapes every time . " Tadashi loved to hear those words, it made him feel beautiful in a way that only Tsukishima's eyes could see. But he hadn't heard those words in a while and he missed them.
Tsukishima was dying to kiss him,he felt his own lips burning but he didn't dare to touch him, it was as if he was afraid of breaking him. So he restricted himself from doing so and continued carefully listening to the soft sobs echoing in the room and paying close attention to Tadashi's face. For a person who could barely see without his glasses he was sure putting his soul into this.
He then started stroking Tadashi's hair, his beautiful soft green hair, a ton of memories came rushing in his mind. He could remember each time he would do all kinds of different hairstyles on Yamaguchi's hair, especially when they were younger. He could recall moments of him braiding Yamaguchi's hair and him being so happy because they made him look more "feminine". Some years after that he came out as gender fluid. But of course Tsukishima knew that. He knew everything, he could read Tadashi like an open book. He wishes he knew him better at times like these though.
"Hey Yams", said Tsukishima.
Tadashi only hummed as a response.
"Can I braid your hair? You know like when we were younger." He tried looking away, honestly he was embarrassed,but was it really a time to be shy when they've both seen each other like this.
Tadashi was speechless, he started tearing up more and the hugest smile appeared on his face. It was like he was waiting to hear those words for so long, he had forgotten how much in love he was, but now they were next to each other again and they had all the time they needed in their hands.
"Of course you can Tsukki", he finally spoke.
He wiped the tears off of his own face with a quick move and slowly got up. As he saw Tsukishima getting up he placed both of his hands on each of his cheeks,Tsukki flinched,he hadn't been touched like this in a long time.
"Hey it's me, it's alright." Tadashi reassured him,he hated seeing him like this he wished everything could go back to how it was.
He then kissed every single tear on his face. He kissed them as if they were wounds, as if Tsukki was a child that needed that attention at that moment and he did.
Tadashi finally turned around, facing the wall in front of him. Honestly, he hated that he couldn't see Tsukishima's face like this, he felt like someone was gonna steal him away if he wasn't holding him, but he kept his hands to himself.
Tsukishima reached for the drawer next to his bed to get some hair elastics and a hair brush, it felt so nice for him to finally be able to hear some sounds fill his room again. Maybe they were small sounds, but for once in a very long time he didn't feel like he was going insane because of the silence.
He quietly sat behind Yamaguchi and crossed his legs, he put the hair elastics around his wrist and proceeded to brush his hair.
He was so gentle, he would always purposely try to be harsh to annoy yamaguchi but this time... this time he was so gentle, he wanted to take care of him so badly, he wanted to show him that he cares so much, he wanted to prove that he could be something more than just that mean asshole everyone makes him to be.
But no Tadashi always knew how Tsukki showed his love, he'd never judge him or get mad because he was thankful for those smiles and jokes he only got to experience, only him and no one else, it made him feel special.
Tsukishima started slowly brushing through Yaaguchi's hair, he didn't want this to end quickly because it had been so long since they were together like this
He tried to gently detangle it, it's not like Tadashi had been taking care of himself any more than Tsukki had. Dandruff was falling off his scalp onto Tsukishima's lap, that was one of his last concerns right now though, really.
He felt Yamaguchi's hair,it was so soft and silky,like always of course,he always loved taking care of it because he knew very well how much Tsukki liked to play with it, anything to make Tsukishima happy.
Tsukki also took notice of the brunette roots at the top of his scalp. He thankfully hadn't dyed it yet since last time,since that was their tradition. He could recall the very first time Tadashi decided to dye his hair green and asked Tsukki to do it for him,but they forgot to bleach it first and then it turned out as a more greyish green.They have always been doing it like that since then,since they both decided that it suits him.
He then started braiding it slowly, as slowly as he could, he was begging for this moment to never end in his head. He was trying his best to make the braids look perfect, he didn't wanna let Yamaguchi down like he always did, he wanted to make him happy for once, he was tired of always dissapointing people.
"Well, do you like it" he asked, just as he was tying the last elastic on Tadashi's hair.
"I love it" said Yamaguchi, looking at himself in the mirror across the room. He hadn't felt like himself in a very long time, he felt dehumanized more and more every day. But as he was looking at himself with the braids Tsukki had done, he felt more like himself than he ever had before.
He turned around quickly, looking directly into Tsukishima's eyes. They sat in silence for a while again, heavy breaths filling the room.
"Kei, I am so sorry" he finally spoke.
Tsukishima's heart dropped. He wasn't ready for this, not right now.
" It doesn't matter Yamaguchi".
"It does matter to me Kei, I let a weak moment take over me,I abandoned you and then let my mental health get the best of me,I mean look at me.
" No Tadashi, this is my fault,I've always been hard to be around,hard to deal with,I say things at the worst possible moments,I let anger and jealousy take over me,you leaving wasn't a surprise after that fight".
" Kei I left you alone for months,despite of my knowledge of what you were going through,I let you suffer,the one person that made me feel safe".
" It doesn't matter anymore, we're together right now right? We have time now Tadashi".
" Kei",he paused,his eyes tearing up,his whole face was burning,he finally found the strength to speak, " No we don't,look at you".
Tadashi pointed to the floor,there was lying Kei's lifeless body.In his left hand there was an empty pill bottle.
He couldn't hear anything anymore,he was just sitting there staring at his corpse being unable to move.Only thing he could do at that moment was recall everything,how he fucked up terribly, his and Tadashi's break up,how it had been 6 months since Tadashi had killed himself, how he was desperately trying to survive all those months, alone and slowly dying more and more every day.
And he reached the point where he couldn't take it anymore.
He wasn't with the person he loved the most this whole time, he hadn't been for almost a year and he wasn't gonna be with him any time soon either.
They weren't meant to be, because they ruined each other.