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Luna could feel cold stones beneath her and damp air on her skin. She was huddled in the corner shaking, her arms wrapped around her knees. Her toes had gone numb from the cold and her stomach was growling.
She heard a horrible scream from above, a cruel laugh followed which made the hairs on her arms stand up. Luna curled tighter into herself, buried her face in her knees, and stuffed her fingers into her ears, trying to block out the noise.
It didn’t work, she could still hear scream after scream after scream. Luna could hear the victim’s pain. Those monsters had stripped back the layers of their being and gotten to their core. The screams were those of a wild animal.
The cries were becoming louder. It was as if they were getting closer to her. The screams grew louder and clearer until it felt as if someone was wailing into her ear. The fear in her heart was crawling up towards her throat. Her breaths were coming in short gasps. Her throat was closing up and it felt as if a hairy creature was trying to claw its way out.
A howl sounded from across the room. It was shrill and was becoming increasingly pained. Then came more. Shrieks, whimpers, cries, and wails echoed across the stone walls. Luna could hear begging amidst the orchestra of pain.
Please! Please! Please stop! I’ll do anything, just stop!” a voice gasped.
“I don’t know anything! I swear!” came a hoarse, desperate voice.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” a woman shrieked.
Her lungs rattled in her chest as she gasped for air. Every breath hurt to take. The screams were surrounding her, pressing in on her. It was unbearable, she didn’t know if she could survive another moment, she hoped she wouldn’t. Luna dug her fingers into her sides hoping that she could rip through her flesh and escape this hell.
Luna's eyes snapped open, her heart pounding. She groped at her surroundings, grasping her bedsheets. She felt fleeting relief as she realized that it had all been a dream. Luna sat up shaking and glanced over at her girlfriend, hoping she hadn’t woken her. Ginny was sleeping peacefully, her red hair splayed out over her pillow. Relieved, Luna carefully got out of their bed and made her way through their house to the back porch as quietly as possible.
She opened the door, crossed the porch and sat down on one of the two wooden chairs. She sat there for a moment, shivering in the crisp, fall air.
The dream came back to her in flashes. She could feel the cold air on her skin and gnawing hunger in the pit of her stomach. The absolute terror she had felt at the manor months ago gripped her again. The world around her was beginning to look less familiar and more like the Dungeons of Malfoy Manor. She tried to calm her breathing by telling herself It had just been a dream and nothing more. A little voice in the back of her head whispered, ‘It wasn’t just a dream, it was your reality.' She hit her head with her wrist trying to stop this line of thinking.
Luna spiraled further. Her heart was beating fast, she could feel her pulse throughout her whole body. The frantic beating filled her head, her arms, her stomach. Luna wanted to run. Run as far away as possible, as fast as possible, to where she wouldn’t have to deal with this shit. Where she was fine. Where she didn’t have to be strong. Where she didn’t have anything to hide.
Tears rolled down her cheeks.
Noticing this, she gasped, “Fuck” and hit her thigh in frustration.
She couldn’t be like this, she knew that. There was no reason for her to be sitting outside crying instead of sleeping in the bed she and her girlfriend shared. She hadn’t lost a brother to the war. She hadn’t lost anyone. Her time in Malfoy Manor was over, she was safe. She should be fine. She needed to be fine, for Ginny.
Except she wasn’t fine. Luna had spent the last five months on the brink of a meltdown. She had pushed the memories and emotions down but they were overwhelming, she couldn’t escape them. Luna couldn’t keep them down for much longer nor hide them much longer.
This was not her first outburst like this. She had had several since the war, they were all at night, all in secret. These outbursts were just enough to keep the emotions at bay. She would let them out for a bit, and then shut it off again, just enough so her emotions wouldn’t overflow.
Luna didn’t want to bring back memories for Ginny, she didn’t want to drag her back down into the pits of her depression. Ginny was getting better, it had taken work, lots of it, but she was getting there.
Luna didn’t have the patience to get through her shit. It would take too long, and be too much. She would have to dig up all her old emotions and memories. Suddenly the Manor would be fresh in her mind and she didn’t want that. She was doing okay, she didn’t need to unpack this, it was only going to explode in her face. It was easier to not confront old feelings and memories. It was much less money, much less time.
Ginny had tried to talk to Luna about her time at the Manor but Luna always had evaded her questioning. She would try to reassure her, saying, “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I made it out okay.”
Ginny would look at her, a worried expression on her face, “Ok honey. You can always talk to me if you need”.
Ginny didn’t believe her lies and Luna knew this. She was too tired to care most times, but the guilt would keep her up some nights. A monster would claw at her stomach, spitting vile words at her, ‘How can you keep this from her after all she has been through?’, ‘You’re her fucking girlfriend and you lie to her every day, it's disgusting’. The monster would scream these words until her head hurt and she grabbed for the sleeping potion on her bedside table. She always felt like shit for taking it, who needed a potion to fall asleep? Liars needed one, the monster would tell her.
After each episode, she would consider opening up to Ginny but she didn’t want to be a burden. Ginny had enough to deal with without Luna’s problems.
Afterall, things were getting better for Ginny. After long nights, several therapy sessions, many tears, late night talks, tight hugs, and soft kisses, things were looking up. Ginny would still struggle at times but she was doing better. Ginny was almost out of the woods, Luna didn’t want to drag her back in.
Luna was brought back to reality when she heard the door creak open. She jumped, startled. Then quickly tried to wipe the tears from her face with little success. Not knowing what to do, she hid her face in her arms.
Ginny walked over and sat down next to her on the porch. She gently pried Luna's arms away from her face and guided her face to face her’s. Ginny looked at her with a sad smile on her face as she wiped the tears from Luna's face. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?”
Ginny’s kind words pushed Luna to tears. Luna couldn’t hold the emotions back any longer, her girlfriend was too kind, too sweet, too empathetic. Luna dissolved into sobs. A sort of relief washed over her as she let go. Luna had been holding back for so long. As Ginny held her in her arms she felt at peace.
Ginny held Luna tightly. She stroked her hair and rubbed circles on her back all while whispering comforting words into Luna’s ear. Luna clung to her for what seemed like forever. In each other's arms time stopped.
At last, Luna broke the embrace. Ginny wrapped an arm around Luna’s waist and looked at her expectantly.
Luna looked away from Ginny, a feeling of shame spreading through her body. She felt disgusted with herself. The shame was unbearable. She wanted to die, she didn’t deserve Ginny. She was pathetic, crying to her girlfriend like a five year old. This was exactly what she told herself she wouldn’t do. There was no escaping the conversation now nor the damage she would cause.
Luna sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “God,” she sighed. “I’m sorry Ginny.”
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. You wanna tell me what’s going on? You're hurting babe, there’s no shame in that ” Ginny said, brushing a strand of hair away from Luna’s face.
Luna wrung her hands. “It’s the Manor” she murmured.
“Oh...”, Ginny said, placing her hand on Luna’s thigh.
“Yeah, I keep having these nightmares. I’m just there again and I’ll hear all these screams around me like they're closing in on me. It’s been so long and I thought I’d be over it by now but I’m not, it's just…it's pathetic.” Luna said this quickly, her voice trembling.
“Hey, hey” Ginny grabbed Luna’s hands, stopping the shaking. “You're not pathetic Luna, not at all. You’re okay to still be like this, you went through some scary shit.”
“But you're not. You’re doing better and I don’t want to make it harder for you. I don’t want to make you remember again. It’s not fair to you. You worked through it and now I’m gonna mess it all up again.”
“Luna, I still remember.”
“What?”
“I still think about the war. I still think about what happened.”
“Oh.”
“You're not dragging me back into anything. I still remember, it's just less unbearable. You can tell me anything Luna, you don’t have to worry.”
Luna looked at Ginny and saw sweet, but sad eyes looking back at her. She felt horrible, Ginny still thought about the war? She didn’t want that. She wanted it to be over. She wanted to forget.
“I don’t want to remember Ginny,” Luna said, hating the childish tone of her voice.
“Yeah, I don’t really want to either.”
“I just don’t know what to do, I’m stuck. I don’t want to go to therapy, it’ll only make things worse. I saw how upset it made you, I don’t want that. But I can’t keep doing this. The nightmares are becoming more frequent and I’m scared. I don’t want to go to bed if I'm only gonna end up back there but, when I don’t sleep all the emotions and memories, they get all jumbled, and…”
“I’m sorry honey, It’s all so hard.” As Ginny said this, tears slipped down her face.
“Don’t do that” Luna pleaded
“Don’t do what?”
“Cry. This is what I didn’t want Ginny. I don’t want you crying because of me. I don’t want you in pain because of me. I thought you said I couldn’t drag you down, but I did. See?”
“Luna,” Ginny sighed, “I’m crying because I don’t like to see you like this, you haven’t dragged me down.”
Luna looked at Ginny, unsure, before she relaxed into her, reassured for the time being. They stayed quiet for several moments, staring at the stars together.
“How is it going to get better If I’m still thinking about it, Ginny?”
“It’ll hurt less one day”.
“But how?”
“You’ll come to terms with what happened. The Manor was a horrible part of your life but you wont feel like you do now when you think about it. It won’t feel good, but it won’t feel as bad.”