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Tommy,
Did you know your hair was like the clouds?
To tell the truth, when I first noticed it, I laughed. You, who was the embodiment of fury and a short temper, the person who I distinctly envisioned as the color of passionate red; you resembled a cloud. A peaceful, whimsical cloud— something soft and carefree, something that carried along the breeze, that cruised calmly during mid-summer days. At the time, I never thought it’d suit you. It all just seemed like an ironic jest of destiny— a humorous little thing that demonstrated the hijinks of the little world.
But since I started noticing, I couldn't stop. The skies now hold the portraits of your face and carry the image of your memories. Sometimes, I look at the clouds above me, and I smile. I'd think of you, Tommy. Did you know that? I still think of you often.
In fact, I most regularly think of the times you babbled aimlessly for hours. You were right that I wasn't listening — but that didn’t mean my attention left you. Whenever you chattered away, I'd picture your hair turning into swirls of white— into nature’s natural fluff, or puffs of little cotton. I often felt the urge to ruffle it, to feel the softness beneath my marred fingertips. I never did it though, because I knew you’d bite me. Those times reminded me that when we weren’t both in armor, I was a mere man, and you, you Tommy, were a child.
Looking back at it, your childishness was present quite often, wasn’t it? Perhaps I was the fool for not noticing.
In fact, it dangled quite obviously that time I got you cotton candy. It was endearing— watching you munch away on it, aggressively chasing the cotton that melted and vanished in water. How you’d proclaim your excitement loudly, and demand more. A spoiled little thing you were— with your mouth half-stuffed and childhood bliss burning away in your eyes. Especially with the way your hair was spun from spools of golden thread, the same as the cotton candy was. I felt like I was watching two candy clouds eat away at one another.
At the time, I didn't even realize I was looking at you the same way I'd look at Steve.
Now, I have come to the realization that you resembled the clouds more than I initially thought. After all, I always believed you to be a grounded person: a constant in the flow of time. You were so solid— present— in my life, I almost forgot the world where you weren’t there. And that was the illusion. I didn’t realize you were the cloud, and that you belonged to the sky. I foolishly believed that my friend who wandered beyond, would return home. But again, clouds belong to the sky and they never did stay. I couldn’t hold the sky between my hands, and I couldn’t hold you either. Tommy, you weren’t meant for me to keep, you were meant for everyone to gaze at.
If I'd known that earlier, maybe then you’d still be here right now, eating cotton candy, or staring up at your imposters in the sky. Because now you’re gone. Not just from our— my cabin, but the world.
This god forsaken world.
I should’ve known you were a fragment of heaven— a single cloud in the expanse of open skies. I should’ve known you came down to earth for us to hold because the ones above were untouchable. I should’ve known what we were. I should’ve known we were family. Tommy, my little cloud, my cloud who brought unobtainable happiness to this empty heart, I should’ve done so many things. I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve.
I should’ve known heaven would want you back.