Chapter Text
“It was so gorgeous!” Morgan gushes, flashing photos of her holiday across her television screen for Claire and Lim who have more than settled into her couch.
“It does look amazing.”
“I can send you my itinerary!” Morgan helpfully offers, and pushes it across over messages before Lim even has a chance to confirm or deny that she wants it.
“Well, thanks I suppose.”
“What else is on your bucket list?” Claire asks, having already received said itinerary a couple of days ago.
“There’s another like ten places that I want to go! Uyuni Salt Flats, Victoria Falls, Okavango Delta…” Morgan rattles them off.
“What else?” Claire presses, not satisfied with this generic answer.
“At the very minimum becoming an attending! But that was obvious.”
“Yeah,” Lim dryly offers, but to her mind there was never any question about that.
“And??” Claire continues to demand answers.
“Well what’s on your bucket list then? And you better not tell me visiting a bunch of countries and becoming an attending or something like that.”
“Having a kid, maybe two?” Claire replies, somewhat bashfully after some hesitation.
“Nothing to be embarrassed about,” Lim reassures.
Claire is however happy to get rid of the hot potato, “what about you? You’re already chief of surgery at one of the best hospitals around, with a board that is so complimentary of you? What’s next? Presidency? What’s on your bucket list?”
Lim quirks a shoulder upwards, “true love? Though it’s more likely that I’ll kick the bucket first.”
Damn, she definitely had a bit too much to drink.
One. Once upon a time, she did love him.
But then she changed, she became comfortable in her own skin. She learned how to be a good surgeon, how to deal with patients, colleagues, bosses, how to stand her ground. She found her rightful place in the world where she thrived in and made (what she firmly believed was) a positive contribution to society. She learned how to put herself first sometimes, before his whims and fancies.
Ultimately it was a facade of her that he wanted - she was supposed to be a compassionate, intelligent, capable surgeon who still listened to whatever her husband wanted at home. She later realised that he thought that she would inevitably change after getting married. She did, just not in the way he wanted. The better she did at work, the more confident and independent she grew to be, the more he disliked it. Disliked her. Maybe it wasn’t that easy to separate.
It wasn’t entirely her doing though. It’s not like he didn’t change. He did. The boy she was in love with wouldn’t sleep with another woman. Though in hindsight, she’s grateful for that, at least on some levels, because it instantly gave her the courage to walk away.
He’s still married to the pretty young lady that she caught in their bed. From what she knows, they have three children and appear to be very happy together. Good for them. Really.
Two. She loved him, but it wasn’t enough.
But it went both ways. He too didn’t love her enough.
Didn’t love her enough to figure out how to live with her as his partner and his boss. Didn’t love her enough so as to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice when she could put aside the hurtful words that he threw at her, and was extending him an olive branch. Didn’t love her enough to temporarily put his pride away. Didn’t love her enough to take her back.
Not everything was his fault. She knew from the moment that she took the promotion that things were going to be challenging between them. She didn’t love him enough to risk patients’ lives and the guilt that would never truly leave if she made the wrong decision. And the guilt would be hers alone to bear because she was the decision maker, not him. She didn’t love him enough to stay and fight when she had a sinking feeling that she knew how this was going to end. With him in the arms of a pretty young lady.
She has to admit that she doesn’t think that she was too far from wrong. Despite the uncertainty in Claire’s voice in the handful of times that they had talked about him, she knew that he did love her. How exactly that was reconcilable with what he told her, she can’t exactly say. She ultimately landed on he didn’t love her enough. What else was there to be said?