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In the pinkest building present on the main street of the new town beneath Mount Ebott, there was a private theater - equally pink, but more equally pink than the outside - that could seat twelve people, or six or seven Asgores. There weren't any Asgores in attendance that day, but there was an audience of two, a sincerely curious lizard in a spotty dress, and a not particularly enthused fish in turtleneck sweater and leather jacket. A bored looking cat, not at all dressed for the occasion, stood on the bare stage next to a table of props, looking back at the clutter of different backdrops. The rather lethargic suspense did not last long, for soon a polished metal leg dramatically peaked from the left hand curtain, before a robot with metallic plating of both black and electric pink - the most equal shade of pink yet - strutted onto stage with the grace of being on the catwalk.
"Lllladiiiiiies and-" he blinked, realising his audience. "-Ladieeeees. I'm sure you're wondering why I've invited you both to my rehearsal theater."
"I asked you when you strode up to me and Alph and handed us these tickets," said Undyne, with all the excitement of mud. "if you wouldn't tell us then, why should I care?"
"Alas, no sense of drama in this one," preened Mettaton. "Good Doctor, would you care to know?"
"Oh y-yes please," said Alphys, edging forward on her seat.
"'tis simple! I intend to put on a new kind of show. My dancing and musical performances are already a smash hit with the humans, but I have to keep innovating. Staying still is death! So this will be a new kind of show."
"What kind of show, boss?" asked the cat, as if reading off a cue card. He pocketed it.
"...Magic."
He said it with the power of an inciting statement of a revolutionary conspiracy. However it failed to garner the reaction he anticipated. Not even reactionary counter-revolutionary outrage. Lamentations.
"...Magic?" snorted Undyne.
"L-like this?" asked Alphys, allowing electricity to dance around her fingers.
"Or this?" added Undyne, conjuring a spear into existence and throwing it at the backdrops on the stage, tearing a hole in the painted stairs that a glass slipper rested on. "How's that special at all now? Humans know we can do magic. It's no big secret. You can't get away from one of their journalists without them expecting you to throw a fireball or something!"
"Ah, my dear Captain," said Mettaton, "how correct you are. That is why my magic show shall be attempting... human magic."
That was more like it. Even his employee, not having this response on the cue cards, perked up.
"Don't you need a human soul for that?" said Undyne, still skeptical but now engaged with the premise. "I thought we were out of that business. And that human mages disappeared centuries ago."
"So it would seem," said Mettaton, satisfied at her badly concealed curiosity, "however I've been studying human performers of magic who show it off for mere entertainment, and it's nothing I cannot handle thanks to the amazing dexterity the good Doctor here built me with!" Everyone glanced at Alphys, face flushing orange, before Mettaton decided the show must go on. "Assistant, I think we shall begin with trick number seven. Ladies, apologies for his lack of costume, the sequins aren't ready yet."
The cat picked up a deck of cards on the table, clambered down from the stage and walked over to Alphys. There he briefly showed they were all normal cards, before shuffling them quite adeptly, a skill picked up at many poker games during mandated MTT™-lunch breaks, then spreading them out like a fan in his hand.
"Pick a card, lady," he said, "an' don't tell me what it is."
Alphys obliged, picking a card closer to the right, letting Undyne take a peek, before putting it on the top of the reassembled deck. The cat climbed back up and gave the whole deck to Mettaton after a quick shuffle. And then Mettaton shuffled the deck himself, with speed that made his assistant look positively sluggish. After about fifteen seconds of shuffling, he picked the top card and showed it to the audience.
"My dear Doctor," he said, "was the Jack of Clubs your card?"
"Um, no. It w-was the Two of D-Diamonds."
"Ha!" barked Undyne. "So much for that!"
Mettaton looked genuinely hurt. "Oh no no no, something must have gone wrong. My dear, I am so sorry. Let me make it up to you both, I shall- Oh no..." Something black was oozing from one of his elbows. "Too much lubricant, I was ensuring I didn't wear out my joints while shuffling. Captain Undyne, could you lend me a tissue from your bag?"
Scoffing with amusement at the amateur performance, Undyne rummaged around in her handbag to get some tissues. She got one, but also felt something unexpected, weirdly rigid compared to the tissues.
"What the-?" She unfolded the tissue to reveal a playing card. The Two of Diamonds, to be exact.
"Th-th-that's amazing!" squeaked Alphys. "How'd you do that?!"
"Ah, Doctor, how could it be magic if you knew how I did it? That's the secret, you see. Magic is in the eye of the beholder. If Sans did that you'd just say he used a shortcut, but you have no idea how I did! Now, please, I really do need that tissue to clean up."
Alphys was genuinely impressed, while out of wounded pride Undyne was determined to write the whole thing off as sleight of hand. This arc would continue over several tricks. Having the cat show a top hat as absolutely empty before making him put it on, one with a tap of a cheap stick to hear a cracking noise and egg yolk flow down his furry face. Next was a juggling act, and while Mettaton's superhuman agility left it not very impressive to be juggling twelve balls at once, that changed when a ball would sometimes land in the top hat, disappear for several seconds then leap out of the large box at the back of the stage, creating what looked like a magic portal. After this, the cat shackled Mettaton to a tall board, then dropped a curtain and walked behind it. As soon as he disappeared from sight, Mettaton emerged unrestrained, then dropped the curtain to show his assistant in the position he'd just been in. And so it went, Undyne clinging to her spite all the while.
"Hmm," said Mettaton, taking Undyne's refusal to have fun as a personal challenge, "I think it's time for the big guns: The Grand Finale!"
The cat wheeled the large box from earlier front and center, and Mettaton climbed in. His head popped out of one end, and his sleek legs the other. Then the assistant took out a large saw - from the hat, for further flourish - and began to saw in the middle. Alphys was on the ege of her seat, while Undyne was sunk back in hers, weighed down by determination not to give Mettaton the satisfaction. The sawing sound was loud and authentic, as was the heavy breathing of the assistant as he put real effort into it. After ten minutes, the saw passed through the box, and he was able to wheel both halfs apart, Mettaton's head still in one half, his legs in the other.
"Braaavo," clapped Undyne, not at all sarcastic. "Now you open the half your head is in and your whole body is in there or something?"
The cat did indeed open that box, but looked concerned. Mettaton tried to see from his restricted vantage point, and noticed fresh sawdust on the floor. The audience then noticed a few bolts and screws fall from both boxes.
"Oh dear, must have forgotten step five," said Mettaton, still with the air of a showman. "Doctor, if I could beg a favour...?"
Half an hour later, Undyne had to conclude this was turning out to be a great show. The two halves of Mettaton lay two feet apart from each other on the floor of the stage, as Alphys frantically tried to confirm which wires were which and connect them back together. Comedy was more her thing anyway.
"Okay, t-try that," said Alphys.
His legs didn't move. "Alas. But maybe I have some feeling in them?" At this cue, the cat conjured a yellow spatula and slapped it hard on the legs. "No, nothing."
A minute later, "h-how about now?"
"No." Slap! "No."
Two minutes later, "anything?"
"No." SLAP! "Watch the paint job, darling!"
"Sorry boss," said the cat, a growing look of catharsis on his face.
Alphys had narrowed it down to three. "L-let's try-"
SLAP! "Sorry, misheard."
Mettaton's head fell back with a heavy thud, unconscious. Something pink and translucent streaked from his upper body to his legs. Said legs gave the cat an almighty kick.
"Ow! ...worth it."
Undyne wished she'd been allowed to bring her phone inside. Or that Alphys hadn't agreed to sign that non-disclosure agreement.