Chapter Text
Time
Time was never by her side, it was too soon or too late but never did things fit perfectly in her life. But time could be wrong ? or right? Does something like perfect timing exist? Well if it does it's not her case.
She takes her heels in her hands and washes her face, Max will arrive home soon and for sure will know she has been crying, she stood for a while looking at her image in the mirror, fear, all she could see was fear, she made a half-smile and suppress the tears in her eyes, two long breaths later she opened the door. Luna was still sleeping in her crib attaching herself to that teddy Max bought few months after the accident. We should change this before London she thought, she needs a new toddler bed and her bedroom. Then a wave of emotions hit her, just hours ago she heard Max saying maybe he won't leave, and just minutes before that, she was asking herself if London was worth it, those simple three words "Maybe I won´t" were the drop that spilled the glass, so many questions running through her head during her way back to Max's home, their home, and now she kept running out of time, no time for more mistakes, and with that affirmation, she realizes that in her effort to escape from mistakes she´s made more than she wanted to accept. Perfection and control, she thought, now she has nothing of that.
It was time for her to rest, to forget the heavy day she had, but for once she needed to feel pain, to really feel it, even if that takes the last of her strength, even if that implies letting her scars surface and being seen by others, by Max. Surprisingly this vulnerability didn't hurt, she was somehow relieved for allowing herself to cry, she was so relieved to be broken, the irony of this thought made her spill a bitter laugh, this strange feeling of being ready to face her life, to finally heal, she smiles, the first real smile of the day.
" Dada? " Luna cries with so much love that her heart breaks for a minute.
" Baba " she whispers to herself.
A new emotional rollercoaster hits her, she needs her Baba now as much as she needed all those years before.
She hears Luna's voice again and reality brings her back to earth, as fast as her tired body allows her, she gets to the crib, and for a moment time stops, not knowing why she just stares at Luna, she raised her arms reaching for Helen warmth, and then, having the baby in her arms, feeling that she was hers the spell broke and she was able to talk.
" You want Dada, don't you? " Luna stared at Helen's eyes for so long that Helen wondered if the girl could read the impact of those words in her life and with the wisdom of a pure soul Luna kissed Helen´s cheek.
" Come here my little munchkin, let's wait for dada together " Luna nodded and Helen tugged her on her arms, the warmth of the baby melted and broke her heart in equal measure. She didn't realize she was needing this until the tears came again, and this time she didn't fight them, she just let the moment be as bittersweet as it needed to be. She rocked Luna and unconsciously began to hum a sweet melody while making soft circles on Luna's back.
" You know Lu, my dad used to hum this tune to me every night " Helen smiled at the memory, she can't remember that much, and the fact that today she discovered that the memories might not be what they seem, makes her hesitate for a moment, but no, she clearly remembers the melody and the feeling of security of being in Babas's arms. Long minutes pass and the intimacy of the moment helps Helen to calm her nerves, she needs to have a lot of important conversations with Max, and all of them will change their lives.
" Dada will be here soon sweet baby, everything will be alright " she held Lunas with fierce fear of breaking the moment, with so much vulnerability than she was willing to accept, she held Luna like she wants her baba to hold her right now, and then she knew those words weren't for Luna, she was assuring herself that everything would be alright, the same mantra she was repeating since facing the reality was too hard.
Luna was now asleep in her arms, but she couldn't leave her, she needed to feel that warmth in her soul, not feel alone. Helen moved slowly and decided that she wanted to sleep with Luna today, being careful not to wake the girl, they get into bed and lay together until Helen falls asleep too.
...
Max's meeting on the roof with Veronica lasted longer than he thought, and the fact that Helen ran away from him while he had to stay made it worse. He remembers the disappointment on her face and the way her eyes were filled with sadness, he hates himself for doing this, he hates how while she was looking at him those walls start to grow again, he hates the sound of her heels moving away from him, showing how tired she was from that day, and he can't help but think that he should have done something different, he should have run after her and now, getting home won't be that hard.
He opened the door and was relieved of the silence, she is asleep, he thought, this makes things easier, and maybe tomorrow we can both solve this problem that my brain and stupid tongue create. He still wants to go to London and none of that changed, but Veronica made him lose focus and feel like everything they had both worked for was going to disappear, he sighs, but Veronica also showed him that his attachment to work is something that he continues to use to escape, even when he does not want to fly anymore because he has already found a home, his home is her. While Georgia was alive, most of their fights were about time, time seemed like his enemy, he never had enough time for everything he had to fix, and then standing there at the door the truth hits him, he doesn't have to fix everything, and he is not the only one capable for that job.
He walked around, and dropped his jacket, keys, and shoes without looking where they fall, Helen will hate this mess, and the thought of his woman being upset about these domestic things made him smile. He walked into his room, their, and guilt hits him. All his life, guilt has been the engine of his life, the guilt of not having died instead of Luna, the guilt of not saving his sister and not being the favorite son that his parents would love to have kept alive, the guilt for leaving Georgia with her pregnancy, the guilt of leaving her while looking for Helen after the accident, the guilt of not saving everyone who makes it to the hospital. Guilt, with Helen for separating her from Luna for so long, for not having given one to the other sooner. He knows that most of his thoughts are irrational and he blames himself for things he cannot control, but it is a cycle that he has not been able to finish yet, but he has to do it, for them, and the image in front of him was everything he needed, a tear escapes from his eyes, they are his joy although sometimes he seems to forget it. Helen and Luna are all he needs.
Near the bed, he watches Luna's hands clinging to Helen's shirt and Helen's hands hugging his daughter, our. Although they have not talked about it, he wants to share everything with her, especially the adventure of being parents. He moved near to the bed and kissed both foreheads, Helen moved and a slight smile formed on her face, Max smiled too when he saw the effect of his kiss. Sitting on the edge of the bed stroking her hair he falls in love even more with his beautiful woman, he has never told her but her hair is one of the things he likes the most, well everything about her is to his liking, gently bordering her face doing his best to remember every detail, in case one day she left, the very thought causes his indescribable pain and quickly removed that possibility, bit by bit Helen opened her eyes confused by the caresses but at peace with the familiarity and softness of Max's hands.
“ Sorry, I woke you up '' he said with shame but clearly, his apology words weren't referring to this.
“ It's okay “ she states simply, not knowing if that's the moment to start a conversation.
They look into each other's eyes, communicating without words, but at the moment both need to talk and express what they have in their throats, each one was waiting for the other to be the first, to be brave enough to start some thoughtful conversations. She just breathed and opened her mouth but nothing came out.
"I'm sorry", said Max, Helen looked at him with pain, a kind of look he never thought he could cause
They both looked at Luna and left the room. Helen walked to the counter and pour a glass of wine, she was nervous so was he.
"You know I hate that you threw your jacket there and your shoes are not at the entrance as we agreed" she chuckled softly, and he knew she was just unzipping the moment, he was grateful for that.
“ Sorry,” he replies
“ You said that ” both smiled, this time knowing everything will be alright.
He was ready to start talking, to tell her how much he needed her in his life and how much he had needed her from the moment they met. Words weren't enough right now, she has saved his life in more ways than one and more than once -if he's honest- countless times. One of the things he loves most about her is her selflessness, she is just a selfless person, and the purity of her actions in every patient, colleague, or friend amazes him.
Helen's thoughts were making a mess in her head, she wanted to tell him that the conversation with Veronica hurt her, that all the changes made her feel insecure, that this co-parenting thing is exciting but the biggest challenge of her life, and she's worried about spoiling it, she wants to cry in his arms talking about her day, how wrong she was with her mom and how unfair she had been to her dad, wants to cry for the woman in court, tell him she was angry, crushed, drained a mixture of emotions that she cannot control at all. Being there with him was making it harder, but she wanted him to know all her broken pieces. And when she spoke, none of these thoughts left her mouth, the words were the last thing she expected to reveal today.
"I'm pregnant," she said simple, static, fast, and loud enough to be heard.