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Life was so much easier when Essek did not care. He used to focus all this time and energy on knowledge and gaining more of it. Took pride in it even. But now, things are different because he feels . He cares .
He still desires knowledge. The difference is there are some lines he won’t cross to gain that knowledge.
Selfish. That’s the word he would use to describe himself time and time again. He never had a problem being selfish. He found it suited him just fine. But recently, that word feels wrong . Makes him feel like his skin is too tight, like he’s choking, like he’s undeserving to even be looked at. He’s tired of being selfish.
Brave. Not a word he would use for himself yet a word thrown in his direction. Could he be brave? Could he learn to be brave?
Everything is so complicated now. He’s twisted himself into too many webs and now it’s hard to tell which way is up and which way is down. The only thing keeping him steady is the Mighty Nien. They are his moral compass now. He’ll follow them through this. Essek believes that even if he is to follow them to his end, at least it’ll be a suitable ending to his story. At least he’ll die doing something good and honorable for once.
Except the world is cruel.
Of course it would be him that dies.
Of course the universe would look at Essek’s attempt at redemption and laugh.
This can’t be.
As the dust settles and the reality of what they’ve just accomplished sinks in, Essek cannot celebrate. He stumbles forward, his feet firmly on the ground for once. His knees buckle and he falls.
“No,” comes out of his lips without his permission.
Caleb lays motionless, his body crumpled on the ground. His blood is still flowing, pooling onto his clothes. Essek feels himself shaking, unable to stop it. Unable to do anything that could help.
“Jester,” he calls out, his voice breaking. “Jester, please.”
Jester is already moving, pulling Mr. Clay over as well. Essek sits back on his heels, not taking a single breath as they work in tandem to bring Caleb back.
Essek’s never been a religious man, but in this moment, he puts all of his trust into The Traveler and the Wild Mother, silently praying they see fit to prolong Caleb’s life. If anyone deserves it, it’s Caleb Widowgast.
There’s a moment once the diamond is consumed and gone. That one moment feels like all of Essek’s life put together despite it being but a breath. In the next moment, Caleb is gasping, breath once again filling his lungs.
All of the air leaves Essek’s lungs. Relief like he’s never felt before floods him and if he wasn’t already kneeling on the ground he knows his legs wouldn’t have kept him upright, too overcome with emotion.
Essek smiles.
He waits as Jester hugs Caleb and cries. He waits as Caleb thanks them both. He waits as Veth has her moment with her best friend.
Before meeting these people, he would have dusted himself off and acted like he felt no emotion. He’s different now. These people, just as Caleb has said, have changed him. When he has his moment, Essek doesn’t hesitate to take it.
“Caleb,” he breathes, laying a gentle hand against the side of Caleb’s neck. Caleb leans forward until their foreheads are touching.
Emotion swells within him once more. This beautiful, beautiful man. Essek is humbled Caleb allows him this moment.
“I’m okay. Are you alright?”
Essek can’t help but smile. Of course this silly wizard is worried about him despite literally dying.
“I’m alright. A little shaken. I thought—“ he stops himself, unable to even say the words.
Caleb must understand because he wraps his arms around Essek. He moves until his face is buried against Caleb’s throat, the two of them just holding each other.
When they pull apart, Caleb leaves a single kiss against his cheek and Essek’s not sure he’s ever felt like this. His cheek thrums with sparks that he’s only felt from his magic. This man is magic.
Later, months later, when Caleb comes to the outpost asking Essek to go on adventures with him, Essek need not even think about it. For Caleb, the answer will always be yes.