Work Text:
Remus began his morning routine the same way he did every 2.5 times he did the same morning routine. He crawled out from between the mattress and box spring of his bed and tossed all the pillows onto the floor. Then he did his morning workout of twenty minutes religiously doing the chicken dance followed by a complete reenactment of Elphaba’s Defying Gravity choreography. He had a rig installed in his ceiling for this reason alone. It was right next to his dancing pole. With his calves perfectly worked out for any commercial gigs he picked up, he moved to the bathroom to face the horrific practice of cleansing to social standards.
His electric toothbrush, which was rigged to go much faster than it was designed, was loaded up with charcoal toothpaste and he took a deep breath. Determined to be brave, he scrubbed every inch of his face with the device before jumping into a barrel of cold water that he’d gathered the last time it rained. He clambered out and shook himself off. Waddling back into his room, he set about getting changed into the uniform that he normally wore to pick up Mr. D. He examined himself in the mirror for a few seconds before deciding that he just had to wear the pair of bright red heels he’d bought last week. They clashed horribly with the green of his uniform, making him look like some sort of Christmas-themed spectacle but he wasn’t here to impress anyone. With the heels on, he strutted out and clambered into the limo, tearing off down the street.
He arrived at Mr. D’s house exactly on time, which just so happened to be nearly ten minutes late. The odd thing was that Mr. D wasn’t standing on the sidewalk, tapping his foot, glaring at his watch, and complaining to Remus that he was late. The driver’s eyes lit up at this once in a hundred chance that was given to him. He opened the glove compartment and pulled out a handful of McDonald happy meal toys, each one still in its original packaging. With a noise between a whine and a grunt, he chucked the toys out the window and didn’t get anywhere near the door. He frowned upon the discovery that he didn’t have super throwing powers and sighed before reaching into the glove box once more.
Three minutes later, he’d thrown every single teddy bear, bouncy ball, chocolate eyeball, coconut, and green pepper he had in the car at Mr. D’s door. Only about three items had made it to the door but there was still no sign of his employer. Remus frowned and dragged himself over to where the passenger seat should’ve been in the front. Instead, there was a small inflatable pillow that Remus had filled with that fake cheese that comes in spray cans. He reached down and picked up the 15lbs kettle bell he kept with him always and settled down to wait for unsuspecting joggers to pass. He was bored before he finally noticed the note that was hung on Mr. D’s door. He crowned out the window, holding the weight in his mouth, and crawled up to the note, pulling it down, and hurling himself into the bushes to read it.
“Dear Remus,
I am not in need of a ride to the office today, but I have included a list below of some errands I need you to perform for me today.
1 - Clean out the limousine
2 - Pick up the dry cleaning
3 - Tend to your mushrooms
4 - Remind Roman of his interview tomorrow
5 - Take Virgil on his driving lesson
P.S. Remind me to get you a new phone.
Sincerely,
Janus D.”
Remus thought over the list as he twisted the paper into a long thin tube and stuck it in his ear for safe keeping. He COULD follow the carefully laid out instructions that would bring enjoyment and a short workday for him. Cleaning out the limo wasn’t so much an issue now since there wasn’t much more that could be taken out. He’d spent most of the last few days ripping up the carpet and the seats and any other lose pieces he could get his tweezers on. The happiness that the activity had brought him had been enough to keep him from tormenting the rest of society. So, yeah, he could follow the instructions of Mr. D…or…he could go and wreak havoc on his brother. He weighed the options carefully, taking his time to debate the two sides back and forth. However, the idea of making Roman shriek like a mouse that’d been stepped on was too much to pass up. With a slight giggle that sounded more like a choking cat, he roared off down the road.
Logan was curled up on the sofa with his latest “How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes” book that he was reading intently. Virgil was sitting on the living room floor with Remy, the whole floor around them covered with a large tarp. The room smelled like paint and there were cans of it open everywhere. The teens were scrolling through their phones, showing each other designs while they waited for the primer on their boards to dry. Patton poked his head around the corner to make sure the carpet was still intact. He smiled at the little group before turning back to Roman, who was studying the contents of the pot on the stove intensely.
“Is it supposed to bubble like this, Patton?” He asked for the hundredth time. Patton smiled at him and nodded with a giggle,
“Yes, Roman, it is supposed to boil like that. See,” he gestured to the recipe that was sitting on the counter, “it says it should boil for a few minutes. It helps the sauce to thicken.” Roman nervously glanced between the recipe and the pot.
“I feel like I’ve forgotten something.” He whined anxiously. Patton stood on his toes to look over the man’s shoulder, eyes scanning the list of ingredients.
“I don’t see anything you missed, Ro. You checked everything so carefully, too! Be confident in yourself.” He smiled up at Roman who only frowned,
“Well, last time I almost burned down the kitchen so forgive me if I’m not bursting with confidence.” Patton laughed,
“Still don’t know how you managed to burn something that wasn’t supposed to use heat at all but that’s what I’m here for. It’ll get easier as you practice more!” Roman sighed again and stirred the sauce. Maybe this time was going better than last. After all, he was being very careful this time and his thoughts were interrupted suddenly by a rubber chicken landing directly into the pan of hot liquid.
Roman jumped back with a high-pitched yelp and turned around wildly in the direction the object had come from. Remus was sniggering in the window, arms full of more rubber chickens. He squeezed them all to his chest tightly before releasing them. Their droning screams filled the air and Roman covered both ears while Patton quickly fished the first chicken out of the sauce. Logan’s head appeared around the corner just as the screaming died down. His face lit up as he saw his other uncle and he hurried forwards. Remus seemed equally pleased to see the young boy as he dropped the chickens and swept Logan into a hug. His Baby Birdie laughed as Remus spun them around until Patton scolded them,
“The kitchen isn’t a place to do that, Remus, you know better.” He said, “You and Logan can go play out in the living room. Don’t bother Virgil and Remy, though. Especially you, Mister!” He pointed a wooden spoon in Remus’ face, “No touching the paint.” With that, he shooed them out of the kitchen.
Virgil and Remy looked up as Remus entered with Logan. The younger Storm was already talking about his newest book. Remus flopped down on the sofa and dragged Logan onto his lap, looking at the book over the boy’s shoulder. After hearing about all that Logan had read up to, he took some time to crawl around on the floor and examine Remy and Virgil’s project. He sniffed the paint carefully and debated licking it or not. However, Patton had told him not to touch it, so he supposed it was off the table for now. He’d have to get some paint of his own later. He peppered kisses across Virgil’s forehead instead, listening to his nephew try to remain edgy and angsty but ultimately dissolving into giggles while Remy filmed the whole thing.
“Okay, okay, stop!” Virgil squealed from where he was almost rolling on the floor, trying to cover his face. Remus drew back with a satisfied grin and perched himself on top of the coffee table where he could attack anything that crept out from under the sofa. Remy saved the video to blackmail Virgil later,
“Where’s snek boi?” He asked Remus. It wasn’t unheard of for the two to not show up at the same time, but Janus usually kept close tabs on the younger Prince. Remus looked at the ceiling and frowned,
“Missing.” He said at last. Virgil sat back, eyes wide,
“What?” He demanded, “What do you mean missing?” The teen was already digging his phone out of his pocket to try to call the agent,
“You won’t reach him like that.” Remus shrugged, “He wasn’t at his house this morning and didn’t go into the office. All he did was leave me a note. I think he’s been abducted by aliens.” Logan looked worried too and Virgil huffed as his phone took him to Mr. D’s voicemail again.
“So, like, he’s been kidnapped?” Remy asked, studying Remus carefully. The driver wasn’t the kind of person to play around if someone he cared about was in any real danger. The fact that Remus was so calm was leading the diva to think that Janus probably wasn’t in trouble. You know, probably.
“Kidnapped? No.” Remus looked disappointed, but Virgil heaved a sigh of relief. “He’s probably holed himself up somewhere.” The crazy man pulled a notebook made of cheese out of his pocket and flipped through it casually, “I’ll go find him and make him eat soap until he’s all clean again.” Virgil looked mildly concerned before shaking his head.
“No, okay, we need to go find him.” Logan jumped to his feet, excitement crossing his features,
“Can’ I be like Sherlock Holmes?” He begged, “We can look for clues and solve the mystery of the disappearance of Mr. D!” A muffled bang came from the kitchen and the smoke alarms went off.
About twenty minutes later they were all piled in Patton’s minivan and driving down the road. The fashionista still smelled smokey and Patton was swiping the last of the sauce out from behind his ears. The fatherly man was reassuring the actor that mistakes happen and not everything was going to be perfect the first few times. Roman was pouting in the passenger seat. Evidently dismayed at not having immediate success and perfection in the kitchen. Logan was glued to the window, watching for any kind of clues, Remy was recording, and Virgil was pretending to be completely disinterested in everything going on. The first stop was to the office. Dot, just attempting to live her best secretary life, was nearly the victim of a heart attack when Roman threw the door open with a flourish.
“You!” He exclaimed, pointing at her with an accusing finger, “What was the last time you saw D?!” Logan looked ecstatic as his uncle shifted into the perfect role of the ambitious and fired up detective in a murder investigation. Virgil stared in mortification while Remus contributed with beatboxing and sound effects. Remy continued to film, and Patton tried to simultaneously calm down the poor woman and ask her about Janus before Roman could take control of the interrogation again.
Dot, it had turned out, had not heard from Mr. D aside from the brief phone call he’d made that morning to tell her that he wouldn’t be in. He’d emailed her a list of things to do, and she’d been just about to wrap everything up and head home for the day. Roman stood by, nodding, and looking grim, Logan was looking around the office space, taking in his first experience in Mr. D’s workplace. He noticed the tall black door in the back of the space, one that probably led to Mr. D’s personal office. He slipped away from the other’s and made his way to the door. It opened with a soft woosh and exposed a simple but tidy space. The large intricate desk took up most of the space and the large computer that was perched on top made it look bulky and awkward. The desk was cluttered with papers and an empty box of tissues. There were various cough drop flavors strewn about on different surfaces and a bottle of cold medicine that was unopened on the desk. Logan took all this in before advancing in a little further. He rounded the desk and found the wastepaper basket underneath it. It was full of crumpled up tissues. With a nod he turned his attention back to the desk. Under a few unsuspecting papers was a pamphlet. He picked it up carefully and looked at it before smirking and running back out into the main room.
When Janus had woken up with a cold a few days ago, he’d brushed it off as nothing serious. He’d get over it if he remembered to drink lots of water, take some vitamins, and get to bed at a reasonable time. All that would make him better and would’ve made him better if he’d managed to follow his own advice. Instead, he’d forgone the sleep when a few last-minute requests got a bit rude and work just took over most of his day. The water was forgotten along with this, and vitamins were a hit or miss at that point. So, when he’d woken up with a splitting headache, chilling fever, and aches all over his body, he knew he was done for unless he acted quickly. He got up despite the room spinning and his head feeling like it weighed a few extra tons and managed to change into simple but neat clothes. He’d found a hotel yesterday in case something like this happened and it only took a few minutes to book a room. He groaned and rubbed a hand down his face before pulling together a few of his belongings. Normally one would long for the familiarity and solitude of one’s own bed, but Janus didn’t have that luxury. Remus would hunt him down either out of concern or boredom and then the others would get involved. Or, worse still, his family would decide to do one of their surprise check ins. They always happened at the worst times.
So, he’d called a ride, got to the hotel, checked in, got to the room, and collapsed onto the bed. He groaned into the plush pillows and tiredly kicked off his shoes. It took almost all his remaining energy to down some pills and wrap himself up in the blanket. His eyes shut and sleep stole him from reality. When he opened his eyes next, it’d only been to shoot Remus a text of instructions and to call Dot. The rest of his activities were lost from his memories, and he continued to doze in and out of sleep. Janus hadn’t felt hungry, and drinking was something that he didn’t seem to have the energy to do. It was well into the afternoon when he woke up, shivering and feeling miserable. He closed his eyes with a deep breath and cracked one eye open. The lights from the room assaulted his vision and a migraine began to pulse through his skull. He whined softly and pressed his face into the pillows, squirming and trying to find a place that was cool against his burning face. Frustration mounted as his mission proved futile. He pushed himself upright, arms shaking. He considered calling Remus to come get him. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea. His eyes searched for his phone and found it on the floor next to his bed. He gratefully lowered himself back onto the mattress and picked up the device. The screen flashed to life, making him wince. There were several notifications that he didn’t bother looking at before unlocking the device. He was taken to the text messages where the most recent one was in Roman’s name.
‘Roman Prince: In the lobby, let me know your room number if you need me to come get you.’ It had been sent just over three minutes ago. D squinted at it before wrestling his other hand out from under the covers to reply.
‘Dee-Dee: How do you know you’re even in the right hotel?’ Roman smirked down at his phone before taking a quick selfie and shooting it off to Janus.
Janus stared in shock at the selfie of Roman in the lobby of the very hotel that he’d decided to hide away in. He pushed himself back into a sitting position and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Standing, it turned out, wasn’t happening, and he was very happy to settle onto the floor. He stared at the screen again before sighing in defeat. He’d just have to give in. Roman would think he was ridiculous, Patton would think he was childish, and heaven knew what Virgil and Logan would think of him! He lifted his hand to rub at his eyes. His phone suddenly pinged again and a new message from Roman flashed across the screen.
‘Roman Prince: Remus somehow got us your room and a key. We’re coming. Hope you’re decent.’ Janus almost found energy to jump to his feet and get himself dressed in appropriate clothing. He hadn’t brought any, but he would’ve found a way.
Instead, when Roman pushed open the door to room 178, Janus hadn’t moved a muscle. He was sitting beside the bed, back leaning against it with the blanket tugged sloppily around his shoulders. A white tshirt that was several sizes too big hung off his shaking frame and the soft basketball shorts he was wearing made him look incredibly young. Roman couldn’t help the sympathetic smile that touched his face. Remus, it seemed, was less touched as he launched himself into the room and body slammed the previously missing agent.
As weak as he was, Janus couldn’t hold his own against such an attack and merely flopped to the ground unceremoniously. Remus seemed confused by this and poked the agent’s shoulder to see if he was still alive. Janus shot him a glare that was significantly less ominous than it normally was. His pale face and flushed cheeks reminded Roman of the time he’d gotten sick at university. Janus rarely got sick ever but when he did, he did. It had been one of the many reasons that the teen had transferred out of Paris back to the states. Now Roman came forward quickly to shove his brother away.
“Careful.” He scolded softly. D looked up Roman with misery written across his face,
“I want to ask you how in the world you found me, but I honestly don’t know if I’ll remember the answer.”
“Little Birdie reads mystery novels for fun.” Remus said and Roman shrugged in agreement,
“That’s pretty much it, yeah. Logan was able to figure it out and we just came to check up on you because you weren’t answering your phone.” Janus glanced between them before sighing again. Roman leaned forwards and pressed his hand against the agent’s forehead, “Oof, you are sick.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.” D grunted before sighing, “I know, I’m not helping, sorry.” Roman laughed lightly,
“I know how grumpy you get when you’re sick and tired, D. We practically lived together for almost two years, remember?” With that, he squatted low and swept the agent up. Janus let out a yelp of surprise and clung to the broad shoulders.
“Roman!” He gasped, “What the hell?!”
“Look, I know you’re strong and all powerful and whatnot, but your legs are shaking far too much for you to possibly think that you’re going to make it all the way to the car.” He adjusted his hold a little before smiling down at the man, “I’ve carried you before, you’re not that heavy, it helps me stay in shape for my career, it gives Remus something to do since he now has to carry all your stuff, it allows you to get a little break…”
The list continued like this, Roman coming up with reasons too fast for Janus to counter as they made their way to the elevator and then through the lobby where Roman dropped off the key and then through the parking lot to the idling car that Patton and the boys were waiting in. Janus didn’t listen to any of the reasons past maybe the first seven. He tried to but Roman was just so warm. His feverish body craved the relief that the fashionista was providing and he unconsciously snuggled closer. He almost whimpered when Roman strapped him down in one of the seats of the car and took his place upfront. He didn’t look at the three younglings that were settled in the back seat. He rested his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. Remus was in the seat next to his and Patton was watching him through the rearview mirror.
The ride back to the Prince’s mansion was quiet, no one knowing what to say. Logan alone seemed thrilled with the way the day had carried out but his concern for his honorary uncle was still evident. Upon arrival, they’d all clambered out and gathered Janus’ belongings before he could even unbuckle. Roman was there to sweep him up gently again and carry him inside. Patton was there with water and soup, softly chiding his patient into eating and drinking. Janus did so once under a blanket once more, still shivering. Logan came with the thermometer, Virgil came with a hot water bottle, Remy came with his phone which he was still using to film, and Remus came with a mannequin that he’d stolen from a shopping center earlier that he wanted to show off. Once Janus was properly fed and hydrated, had his temperature taken, been handed the water bottle, asked Remy to please stop recording, and tiredly admired Remus’ prize, Patton ushered the noisy brood out of the room. Roman stood with a sigh and placed a hand on Janus’ head, gently messaging the man’s aching scalp.
“If you need anything, you know where we are.” He whispered before smiling and exiting the room. Janus was left in the quiet and sleep claimed him once more.
The sounds of Logan criticizing the movie, arguing with Virgil over how important authenticity was to the book was interrupted by the quiet patter of Janus’ bare feet. The family looked up from where they were all settled as the man came into full view. His eyes were still covered by that sickly glaze and his cheeks were flushed bright red. He also seemed to be still half asleep, which was the only explanation anyone could give for what happened next. He swayed a moment, looking around until his eyes landed on Roman. The actor was sprawled across the sofa, head resting on the arm, studying the agent carefully. Janus locked his gaze on him before moving to him with look of determination. Upon reaching Roman, he flopped down on top of the man, earning a grunt from the older Prince. Roman brought his hands up to prevent the agent from falling off as Janus wriggled to get comfortable.
“You okay?” Roman finally asked when Janus had stilled long enough for him to get a question in,
“Mmmm,” D breathed, “you’re warm.” He finally whispered before his eyes slipped closed and his breath evened out. Patton let out a very long breath that would’ve been a squeal if he hadn’t been so concerned about waking up Janus. Remy pulled out his phone and began to take pictures and it wasn’t long before the rest of the group followed. Remus crouched next to the sleeping man before turning and settling down on the floor to keep guard over Janus.
Janus woke up feeling incredibly sweaty and like there was some sort of inexplicable anchor holding him down. He finally opened his eyes and almost screamed in surprise. Roman’s face was inches away from his own and the man’s arms were wrapped around his waist. Janus realized in mortification that he’d been sleeping on Roman’s chest. The agent looked around to find that they weren’t alone in their slumber party. Virgil and Logan and Remy were all huddled together around Patton who looked somewhat comical with his mouth hanging open but his arms full of his children. Remus was hanging upside down from a fake plant that in no way should’ve been strong enough to hold him up. Janus tried to remember how he’d gotten there, what had happened? The most he could recall was falling asleep in the hotel. Either way he couldn’t be caught dead sleeping on Roman Prince’s chest! He shifted slightly, freezing as Roman reacted in his sleep. His hold tightened slightly, and his eyes cracked open. Janus froze as the man studied him in the soft moonlight. Roman smiled gently, bringing up one hand to brush it through Janus’ sweaty hair,
“Your fever broke,” his voice was thick and gravely from sleep, “good. Need anything? Water?” Janus shook his head wordlessly. Roman smiled again, “Okay,” he tugged the agent close again, “go back to sleep.” The fashionista’s eyes closed, and his voice became heavy and slurred with sleep once more, “I gottcha.”
Janus stared at Roman for a long moment before slowly lowering himself back down onto his chest and letting himself relax. He would never live down his embarrassment, true, but things were too nice for the moment. He could let himself have this, right? Just for a little bit. He closed his eyes and let sleep take him, feeling safer than he had felt in a very long time.