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Shaaaaaa.
The soft trail of water coming out of the tap was filling the silent air in the room, broken only occasionally by the grumpy voice of a young man talking with his family and the delicate humming of his boyfriend, intent on washing the dishes after a delicious Inazuman dinner. Despite being so far away from their home, and the long time it had passed since they left for Liyue to go to university there, the two had the tradition, once a week, to cook food from their homeland, dissipating in this way any kind of nostalgia they might have felt.
In spite of his humming, focused on not getting a single note wrong, Kazuha was also paying close attention to every single word of his partner. He was loud, boisterous and a little too hot-headed, but to him his voice felt like the melodious music of a zither, his words the perfectly weaved verses of a haiku. He was the most venomous flower he ever saw, but also the most undeniably beautiful. Despite his thorns being so dangerous, he also had a mellow core deep within. He just didn’t like showing it, either to him or to his two dearest sisters with whom he was talking.
The albino finished drying the plates, and once he hung the towel he got closer to the young man, his imperishable smile plastered on his lips.
“I’m telling you two, don’t speak together! Dammit, can’t you take turns?! I can’t get a thing you’re saying!” Ahhh, so the twins were doing it again, speaking in unison. It was a habit they had despite being already adult women, Kunikuzushi told him they had been doing it since he had memory. One of the perks of being twins, probably. The albino couldn’t contain a delicate giggle, tapping lightly on his boyfriend’s shoulder.
“Kunikuzushi. I am done with the dishes. Is it still long?”
“Ugh, Kazuha, I told you not to call me Kunikuzushi…!” The man turned, looking at him with a frown. Ah, if he kept doing that he would have ended up getting wrinkles on his forehead… He was adorable when he was frowning, he looked like a little fluffy and angry dog, but it was a habit he should have broken. Kazuha softly touched the gap between his eyebrows, hinting at him to relax.
“It is a lovely name, though. I want to call you by it at least when we are alone. Kuni or Scara do not have the same impact.” He smiled softly, satisfied at the visible resignation on Kunikuzushi’s face. He still didn’t understand well where the name Scaramouche came from, but his boyfriend seemed picky on it, and apparently liked it very much. He tried asking a couple of times about it, about its origins, but everytime he turned… sour. He understood it was something he didn’t want to talk about yet, and decided to just let things flow on their own and wait for Kunikuzushi to tell him himself.
The young man sighed, saying goodbye to his two sisters Ei and Makoto and reassuring them he would have called again the following day. All that thoughtfulness felt a bit suffocating. He wasn’t a kid anymore, dammit, he was a full-fledged adult. He left his phone on the kitchen counter, not wanting to be distrubed further for the night. Then he turned towards Kazuha and grunted, annoyed at his boyfriend’s persistence. “Do whatever you want, then. You’re more stubborn than a mule. I told you thousands of times, but you still call me however the hell you want. What am I even wasting my breath for...”
“Obviously. Scaramouche is surely a nice name, but I very much prefer yours. And, I still call you Scaramouche when we are outside. This is the best compromise you will get from me.” Kazuha’s face and demeanor were amazing. No matter what happened, he was always as composed as the still water surface of a lake. Even when angry or displeased he still stayed composed and elegant, his tone of voice amazingly even and relaxed. Despite the lack of variation, however, he was still perfectly capable of both conveying his emotions and getting what he wanted. This was exactly one of those moments, and Kunikuzushi didn’t feel like arguing more with him. He could be a powerhouse of anger, but Kazuha annoyed? It was hell.
“Fine, fine. I concede. You’re getting annoyed, and it’s a monster I don’t want to see tonight.” It was Halloween night, yes, but he managed to run away from whatever noisy party to stay at home, he didn’t want to see a Hannya mask right now. “More importantly. You said you wanted to do something tonight.”
“Ah,indeed I did. I thought, since it is Halloween and we are staying at home, we could celebrate between ourselves. I asked Ajax for some advice.” Advice. From Ajax. From that motherfucker. What the hell did he ask about? Let’s think about it. Costumes? Nah, Kazuha already had enough creativity on his own, and probably he could guess on his own Kunikuzushi would have never worn a costume, especially at home. Dirty, perverted things? Ajax was an amazing pervert, and surely knew all kinds of kinks existing in the world, but he really hoped Kazuha didn’t go asking for such things. He couldn’t possibly have, hadn’t he? Great, now he was super annoyed. Damn psycho redhead. What the hell did they talk about?!
“… I hope it was for a good reason. I fucking hate him. Don’t talk to him, dammit.”
“My, Kunikuzushi. Are you jealous? Stop it, you will make me happy.” The albino brought a hand on his own cheek, smiling in satisfaction. He would have never admitted it, but Kunikuzushi was a very jealous boyfriend. A bit too possessive, maybe, but he really despised seeing Kazuha talking with other men, especially if that man was Ajax. Somehow, Kazuha found that behavior endearing, since it contrasted so much with his usual nonchalance. He slowly reached the coffee table in front of their couch, readjusting his cardigan on his shoulders, and grabbed three dvd cases, showing them to his boyfriend with a proud grin on his face. “Ta-daan. I got three movies from the rental shop.”
“Huh? You wanted to watch a movie? Why the hell in the world did you have to talk to that thing, then?! You can choose them on you own!”
“Oh, come on. He is not that bad, if only you tried to get over your prejudice. He just suggested to me some titles fit for Halloween.” Fit for Halloween? And what could he ever suggest? He had a bad feeling. The short man got closer to Kazuha, studying for a second the cases in his hands. The more he looked at them, the more his eyes widened and he stood mouth agape.
“Are those… B-rated horror movies?” He could feel the color drain from his face. He could stand everything. The splatters, the thrillers, even the romances, despite them being so annoyingly teeth-rotting and plainly dumb. Everything, really, but the horror. Not knowing when a jumpscare was going to come, but knowing it was going to come, was nerve wracking. A borderline psychological harassment. It was a bit funny to think that the man once known as The Balladeer was freaked out by horror movies.
“Oh, no, just one of them is B-rated. Two of them are actually pretty good in terms of budget. And, Ajax guaranteed the scary factor.” If that crazy psycho guaranteed it, then those movies were for sure appalling, he was way more psychotic than himself. He nearly started to regret not going to a party. “So, which one do you want to see? I will let you choose.”
No one, he wanted to answer. But that was not an acceptable one, he didn’t want to act like a wuss, so he just closed his eyes and picked randomly. They were in for a wild ride.
The film he ended up choosing was a classic, and sadly (to him, because Kazuha looked overjoyed) he picked probably the worst of the three. Why? Because it was a psychological horror, therefore the jumpscares would have been even more unpredictable. Kazuha set up the DVD recorder, carefully inserting the disc inside, then he brought a warm blanket to cuddle and, in perfect Halloween style, prepared a bowl of sweets, mostly chocolate, to eat during the movie. He then sat next to Kunikuzushi, wrapping the both of them with a blanket, and set the bowl on his own legs. The short man rested his shoulder against his, visibly worried and a little shaky. Kazuha wondered why, maybe he was cold despite the blanket? Or, or! Maybe he was embarrassed since they were leaning shoulder against shoulder!
It didn’t take long since the beginning of the movie, however, to really understand why he was as trembling as a leaf.
“Hyaaaaah! Fuck, shit…! What the fuck is that?! God, what the hell…?! Who’s the dumb, decerebrate idiot who decided a jumpscare ten fucking minutes in was a good idea?!” The man’s screams, more similar to screeches given their pitch, and his many curses ended up muffled by the wool of Kazuha’s sleeves, in which Kunikuzushi had buried his face. Not that hearing only the sounds was better, given how often unexpected screams or other weird, scary sounds came out.
“Are you bad with horror movies, Kunikuzushi? You could have told me…” Kazuha, on the other hand, was still as calm as ever. He wasn’t really scared by horror films, and he had actually seen quite a lot of them. In general, there was nearly nothing he feared. It was a little ironic, given his slightly fragile constitution, that he was this brave and stoic. Even more than the angry soul Kunikuzushi was, it appeared.
“N-No way…?! Of course I’m not scared!” Dear, dear Kunikuzushi, if only you were not trembling while saying it...
“But you are not watching anymore. If you prefer, I can stop the movie for now. Or we can change the genre.”
“H-Heh. Don’t stop. I’m watching. I’m definitely watching.” The man slowly turned his head towards the tv, still with his hands dug in Kazuha’s sleeve, and trying his best to stand upright to hide how much he had slouched in fear. If there was one thing Kunikuzushi hated, that was admitting defeat. He was probably the most prideful person Kazuha ever met, he saw himself as a cut above anyone else in all possible aspects. He, for sure, didn’t want to lose in the bravery department. It was amazingly cute how he struggled despite shivering uncontrollably.
At Kunikuzushi’s request, Kazuha let the movie contine, focused on the story, but once in a while he liked to check on how his boyfriend was doing. The answer? Horribly, he didn’t fare well at all. First of all, his face had become even paler than Kazuha’s, and that was hard given that albinos had particularly fair skins. He had tears in the corners of his eyes, and was gritting his teeth in an attempt to not let out his voice. It didn’t work that well, since once in a while the short man jumped on his seat, screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, instead, he froze in place, tugging a bit on Kazuha's cardigan in search of a ressurance, and everytime the calm man reassured him with a pat on the head and by feeding him chocolate. Looking at him blissfully munching chocolate, his cheeks a little puffy like those of a hamster, was a viewing pleasure for the eyes. He had a sweet tooth, but that was one of the things he would have never admitted. He preferred to hide behind the excuse that it was Halloween and he was just respecting traditions.
More often than not, however, the man ended up swearing, the words he used foreign even to the ever-so-used-to-it Kazuha, covering his eyes and peeking just with the corner of it. Fully closing his eyes was a no-go, he didn’t want Kazuha pausing the film to restart it who knows when, partly because his boyfriend seemed to genuinely enjoy it. Well, part of it was because Kunikuzushi’s reactions were amazing, but he wouldn’t have let him know. Most of all, he didn’t want to not see what the hell was happening in that damn movie. When he hid his face at the beginning of the film, he was even more freaked out by only hearing the audio. Damn Ajax, he would have made him pay. He was fucking sure he was somewhere laughing happily at how he made him scream like a little girl.
He didn’t know that what was waiting for him was much, much worse.
A little more than half of the movie had gone by, and in order to distract himself Kunikuzushi had started complaining about the director’s artistic choices. He was criticizing everything, from the lighting to the music, from the props to the scenography. Once they passed the halfway mark, however, a particular scene played. In it, one of the characters was basically burned alive, with thunder flailing in the background, and the movie was pretty graphic in its depiction. A little too graphic, maybe, since Kunikuzushi’s reaction far exceeded his previous ones. More like, Kazuha actually got scared for the first time in his life.
The man firmly pressed his own hands on his ears, digging his fingers and nails in his hair, unconcerned of the scratches on his scalp, and started screaming at the top of his lungs. “Stop it! Stop this fucking thing! For fuck’s sake, stop it!” His screams were screechy, dreadful, they were clawing Kazuha’s eardrums and pumping violently on them. And his eyes. His eyes were gaping, so widely opened he looked like he wanted to push them out of their sockets. They were bloodshot, and bitter, frightened tears were tracing his cheeks. While trying to suppress the screams he bit his lips with all his strength, a rivulet of blood staining them crimson red, as red as the maple leaves Kazuha so loved.
The albino stood there, frozen in astonishment, for various seconds. He had never seen such a feral response, such wild and animalistic screams, as if he triggered a switch in Kunikuzushi’s behaviour. He looked utterly terrified of something, to the point of tears. In a mechanical movement, Kazuha reached for the remote, stopping the movie, before leaving the man’s side to kneel in front of him. He had lowered his head, curled in a ball, so this was the only way to actually meet his gaze. He was always unmoved, but now violent ripples shook his very core. He was worried about his boyfriend, and it showed on his face.
“Did we overdo it? If the movie was too much, we could have stopped before. You could have told me, instead of enduring. You know I would never get angry at you.” Despite the worry, his voice was mellow and reassuring, he was desperate to make him calm down. However, Kunikuzushi didn’t respond, his gaze unfocused and lost somewhere Kazuha couldn’t reach nor see, and he was as silent as a grave. The albino softly grasped his hands, trying to pull them away from his ears. He was hurting himself, this way… “Kunikuzushi? Hey, will you answer me?”
No answer. He was only met with silence.
“Kuni? Will you look at me?”
Nothing.
“... Scaramouche?”
There. He triggered something. Something scary and feral, something that he wished he had never seen. The man’s lips trembled, and he gritted his teeth. Then, he shifted all his body weight towards Kazuha, falling on the ground on top of him, and he wrapped his hands around his pale, slender neck.
“Shut up, shut up, SHUT! UP! It’s all your fault! It’s your damn fault!” He tightened his grip a bit, and Kazuha could feel his own breath die in his throat. However, he didn’t want to look scared right now. He had to calm Kunikuzushi. He did his best to smile softly, bringing his hands onto his boyfriend’s, and softly caressed them.
“Yes… It’s my fault… Kuni... “ He didn’t exactly know what Kunikuzushi was talking about. But his reaction told him he had a reason to be that angry. He just wanted to understand why.
His soft voice and his caresses made the short man waver, and he released at once Kazuha’s neck with trembling hands. The albino coughed, catching his breath, and he slowly lifted his bust. Kunikuzushi was crying silently, his sobs unheard, and it looked as if his heart had broken in two. Without saying a word, and understanding that this was for more than just a film, Kazuha simply hugged him, letting him hide his face in his chest and gently caressing his indigo hair.
Amidst sobs, the young man apologized for trying to choke him, and he added some sentences Kazuha didn’t really understand well. “I hate you. I hate your good will, I hate how endearing you are, I hate how you love me. But this also saved me, you shitty ronin…” Ronin…? That was a weird term to use, since to his knowledge ronins had stopped existing thousands of years before… More than that, though, he had another question to ask, right now.
“Then, if you hate me, how come you are my boyfriend?”
“Because I’m angry at you. No, more like… I’m furious. You dared die before me. You dared leave me to die alone in those hellish flames as red as the maple leaves you love. Now you’re going to pay with a lifetime. You’re going to give me a lifetime of love, the one you promised me back then…” Why was he speaking as if they belonged to another life? Was there one… but he never told him? Kazuha was a very spiritual person, so in his mind the idea of reincarnation was not so far-fetched. Did they already meet in a long lost life, which Kunikuzushi always had the burden to remember alone? Was he so scared of that movie scene because that brought forth memories of his death? If that was the case Kazuha felt remorseful. If Kunikuzushi truly experienced such a horrible death, of course he would be shocked to relive it… Was Scaramouche also a name linked to that past? Was that the reason why he was so fixated on it? There were so many things he didn’t know, and that could have possibly hurt him. Asking him to tell him everything would have only been unfair, even if he wanted to know.
“... I do not remember such things, I am mortified. I am most deeply regretful you have always been carrying such a burden alone, and could I do something I would gladly share it with you. I do realize it would be cruel, to ask you to immerse yourself in such horrible memories, so I shall not ask. If you wish to speak up, just know I will always lend my ears. Right now, I do not know what I promised you, and I feel ashamed of myself for this. However, I can promise you just one thing. I will love you for a lifetime, even if you despise me. Even without memories, my heart still belongs to you.” The young man smiled softly, resting his head on his boyfriend’s. He had calmed down a little, maybe thanks to Kazuha’s calm heartbeat, but he still didn’t want to leave him. He wanted to convey each single word. He had no memories, but he cared for him just the same way the Kazuha he remembered did. He wouldn’t be overshadowed by a memory, he wanted to let him live in the present.
“You better do. You better belong only to me. Don’t go anywhere, Kazuha. I…” The young man stopped for a second, curling his hands into balls. He then punched softly the albino’s chest, biting his own lips still stained of blood, the iron taste spreading on his tongue. Blood. The same blood of that carnage. The carnage that disallowed him to ever tell him how he really felt. “Even if I hate you, I’m the one who loves you the most.”
“That I know, even without you telling me. You have been taking care of me ever since we met. I do not need words, when the wind whispers your love.” Kazuha stayed silent for a second, before opening his mouth again to speak. “Urayamashi/ omoi-kiru toki/ neko no koi*. Ochi Etsujin.”
Kunikuzushi stared at him for a second, surprised at the sudden shift in language and at the haiku. Then, he couldn’t stifle a laugh, his face brightening up a little. A whole life later, and even without any memories of that long lost time, Kaedehara Kazuha was still the same man. Gentle like an autumn breeze, suave as maple leaves, his poetry conveying so easily all the messages more complex words couldn’t convey. He had the same snowy white hair and crimson eyes, and he was always there to save him from the pit of despair. Was he the same person, he wondered? Did Kaedehara Kazuha also know of his feelings without him ever telling him? He would have never known without him regaining his memories. Instead of sullying Kazuha’s mind with regret, however, maybe this was the best option. He would have carried the burden alone. The haiku really conveyed what Kunikuzushi was feeling. He still had lingering feelings toward the life and the love he lost. However, he now had another chance. And he loved him once again, despite being the most annoying person on Teyvat.
“Maybe one day I will tell you everything, Kazuha. For now, just let the wind whisper.”
(*It’s enviable. They are so graceful, when cats cross in love.)