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"Jesus, Jensen, don't get your panties in a twist. It's not like you couldn't have just joined in, you know."
Honestly, this is what Jensen gets for not trusting his instincts: fighting with his boyfriend at the bar of the Castro's biggest Halloween party when he should be out on the dance floor having fun with their friends.
Even better, somehow he's the bad guy for being angry about walking in on Alex getting dicked down on someone else's lap in one of the bathroom stalls.
Honestly, he should have known it wasn't going work out the minute Alex showed up that night. What kind of self-centered asshole agrees to match costumes for Halloween, but decides at the last minute to show up as Anakin even though his partner's dressed as Han?
"Fuck," Jensen says. He's already so done with this conversation. "Were you even wearing a condom?"
Alex huffs. "AIDS is so eighties, Jenny. Haven't you heard of Prep?"
Jensen counts to ten, or at least he starts to. He hasn't quite reached six yet when Alex sneers, "Jesus! The dick you're giving me isn't worth putting up with the dick you're being."
"You gotta be insane if you think you're ever seeing this dick again," Jensen snarls. "I'm out."
"You can't dump me!" Alex's voice is getting close to histrionics now, and people are starting to stare. Great.
"Oh yeah? Watch me." Jensen says. "You're an inconsiderate asshole and I'm done putting up with it."
He's just grabbing his beer and turning around to leave when Alex shrieks, "Yeah?! Well, you were a lousy lay with a tiny dick!" and raises his mojito like he's about to fling it at him. Just then, a mass of brown fur appears between them, and a very familiar, very welcome tenor voice with just a hint of a Texan twang starts to laugh. Jared.
Jared's been Jensen's friend since the very first night he discovered this bar. The bartender had yelled out a welcome the minute he walked in and that hint of home had made him cozy up to the bar just to hear more of it. When it turned out the accent came with a smart mind and a generous personality, it was the start of a mighty fine friendship – never more than that, they've never both been single at the same time.
"See," Jared says, taking off his Chewbacca head and tossing a grin over his shoulder to Jensen, "I figured it was just normal fighting at first when you called him a dick, cause everyone knows that's the truth, but then you had to go insulting his cock and threatening to waste a perfectly good mojito." He puts the Chewbacca head down on the bar and takes a step closer, looming over the shorter man.
Alex takes a half-step back.
"And if there's two things that everyone in this bar knows," Jared says, still with a smile, "it's that I make a great mojito, and Jensen's got a mighty fine cock-" to Jensen's satisfaction, there are more than a few cheers and catcalls to that- "and I'm not gonna stand here and let a second-rate twink cast aspersions against either of them."
By now the whole area by the bar is quiet – a pretty amazing feat for a Saturday night, but that's Jared for you – and his next words ring out loud and clear. "So Alex… if somehow despite all that you still think Jensen's got a tiny dick, then your asshole's gotta be such a gaping black hole that we're all lucky it hasn't sucked the bar right up in it."
The mojito goes flying.
Jared's not even fazed. He lets his fur soak the drink as he gestures to the bouncers.
"All right," he says firmly, "Alex, you're done here. Go throw your tantrum someplace else, the adults are busy." Like magic, Tom and Mike appear on either side of him to make sure the twink doesn't argue on his way out. They mostly succeed, although he does manage a final "Fuck you!" before they manhandle him out.
Jared looks over at Jensen as he grabs a bar cloth and lifts up his bandolier to dab at the wet fur underneath. "Well, that was something. Are you okay?"
Is he okay? Of course he's okay. Good fucking riddance to-
Jensen's knees buckle a little as the adrenaline fades, and suddenly Jared's vacating a bar stool for him to sit on and hopping behind the bar to get him a glass of water, which he takes gratefully. And obviously he's missed something, because all of a sudden Steve's there to help out at the bar while Jared sees to their friend.
"Am I okay?" Jensen laughs ruefully. "Man, I should be asking you that. You're the one who got soaked."
Jared scoffs and grabs a bag of trail mix from behind the bar, sliding it in front of Jensen. "The good thing about Wookies is that we're washable."
Jensen smiles. "Yeah, but I still feel bad."
Jared looks over at Jensen with a twinkle in his eye. "Tell me it wasn't worth it, though."
Jensen downs a mouthful of peanuts and laughs. "Oh, no, if you're fine with ending up soggy and wet, it was totally worth it." He gives Jared a measured look. "Mighty strange coincidence, though, us both ending up here in matching costumes."
Jared blushes, lets his gaze skitter away from Jensen's eyes as he gathers different mixers and liquors and begins combining them into some kind of vibrant, neon-blue cocktail. "Well, I might have overheard you talking to Chris about it last week and figured I'd never have a better chance to dust off my Wookie costume. Figured you wouldn't mind the backup." He stabs a toothpick through two pieces of pineapple and a cherry and adds it as a garnish on top. "You were shackin' up with Darth Vader, after all."
Jared's lighthearted flirting is a balm on Jensen's soul after Alex's non-stop, high-maintenance neediness. He'd found it charming at first, being the overwhelming center of someone's world, but it was a lot easier now after the fact to see that Alex had been playing him for a fool the whole time.
"Hey, don't take it so hard. You were hurting after Misha and he knew how to play on that," Jared says softly, leaning in to be heard over the crowd. "He got what he had coming to him, and you can have your pick of pretty much any man in here tonight to get him out of your mind."
"I can, can I?" To his surprise, Jensen finds he doesn't really miss Alex. There's nothing like the heartache he felt when he and Mish didn't work out. In fact, there's just a sense of overwhelming relief that he'd always insisted on being safe with Alex because clearly that was a bullet dodged. No, he wasn't really even sad, just a little relieved. Relieved and… excited?
Yeah, excited, because he's standing here dressed like Han Solo with a man who gave a damn enough to sweat his ass off in a Wookie costume just to make a friend smile.
Jensen cocks his head at Jared. "I do have one question, though." As Jared leans in close to hear, he drops his voice down into the sexiest range and asks, "For a man I've never slept with, you sure had a lot to say about the quality of my dick."
Jared licks his lips and smiles impishly, then whispers, "That wasn't a question."
The little shit. Jensen laughs and tries again. "Maybe not, but this one is: Wanna get some first-hand experience?"
Jared smiles. "I thought you'd never ask. But…" he looks down, blushing slightly. "I do have a confession to make."
"Yeah?" Jensen's pretty sure Jared could confess that he was secretly the Pope right now and he'd still want to rail him.
Jared's smile turns into a sly grin. "This isn't my actual costume for the night." He fidgets with the zipper on the suit.
"Oh yeah?" Jensen says. "You got something naughty on under there?"
Jared bats his eyes, and pushes the neon-blue drink across the counter at him. "I'll give you one hint," Jared says, indicating the drink. "My costume comes with a thermal detonator."
Jensen sits upright. "You didn't-" just as Jared bends over and pulls down the zipper on his Wookie suit. The fur hits the floor, right along with Jensen's jaw, as Jared steps out of the furry legs with surprising grace and stuffs the costume behind the bar.
And then he stands up tall, his burgundy Slave Leia skirt falling down into place between his long shaved legs, and Jensen's got just enough presence of mind to wonder if that means he's shaved all over. He's got the green-and-gold bra on as well, and even the collar with the chain hanging down. There's a cheer from the men near the bar as Jared spins around, revealing what's either a thong or a jock under the skirt. It doesn't really matter to Jensen; if he has his way, it'll be on the floor as soon as they get somewhere private.
Jared picks up the drink in one hand and the chain in the other, then hands the chain to Jensen and yells over his shoulder, "Hey Steve! I'm going on break."
With a grin, Jensen wraps the chain around his fist and reels Jared in for a kiss. Just as their lips touch, though, Jared starts laughing uncontrollably.
"I'm trying to be smooth here," Jensen says. "I got food in my teeth or something?"
"Sorry," Jared giggles, "it's just – I just realized I had the perfect opportunity to unleash my ultimate in-character insult about Alex and I missed it."
"Oh really?" Jensen raises an eyebrow. "The perfect one, huh?" He pretends to sigh. "Okay, let's hear it."
Jared straightens up, summoning his best Carrie Fisher impression as he looks back in the direction where Alex left. "You came in that thing?" He tosses his head. "You're braver than I thought!"
"Jared," Jensen is laughing despite himself. "Jared, that's terrible. You're horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"Oh yeah?" Jared says. "Got you to smile, didn't it?"
"Yeah, well…" Jensen tightens the chain so Jared's got nowhere to go but in his arms. "Laugh it up, fuzzball."
Jared places his lips right next to Jensen's ear and whispers, "There's nothing fuzzy about me tonight, above or below."
Jensen shuts him up with a kiss.
Jared lets him.
Two years later, when Jared tells him "I love you" at the altar, Jensen's ready and waiting to say, "I know."