Archive of Our Own

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite Slytherin,” Draco Potter, the Chosen One, son of deceased war heroes Lucius and Narcissa Potter, drawls. Draco aims a hex at Harry, who dodges it with his seeker reflexes. It almost hits Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, who flank Harry devotedly.

“Sod off, Potter,” Harry replies evenly. “Don’t you have the Weasel and muggleborn Granger to run off on pathetic little adventures with?”

He says the word muggleborn almost politely. Harry winces. His mum wouldn’t be pleased if she heard him.

Later, Harry writes to his parents, James and Lily Malfoy, former top-tier Death Eaters and known blood purists.

Dear Mum and Dad,

You were right - the Boy-Who-Lived is a berk.

With love from your son,

Harry James Malfoy

Everyone thinks it is Harry who opened the Chamber of Secrets. It tracks, as far as anyone else is concerned. He is the heir of an unsullied Sacred 28 line, after all, so what’s one more title?

His dad is pleased and congratulates him on all the rumors. After all, to James Malfoy, all publicity is good publicity.

Harry knows, however, that he is not the Heir of Slytherin, so he convinces his mum, renowned potioneer, to send him some vials of Polyjuice potion. “Please don’t tell Uncle Sev,” he writes. “I’d brew it on my own, but he’d give me detention.”

She sends them without question. “I won’t ask,” Lily writes, “So long as you won’t tell.”

Harry, Vince, and Greg manage to sneak into the Gryffindor Towers as the gawky Thomas boy, the annoying sod Finnegan, and ugh, Longbottom.

After all their efforts, Harry is disappointed to learn that Potter is NOT the Heir of Slytherin.

“I think it’s Malfoy,” Potter tells a polyjuiced Harry. “That prejudiced prat.”

Later on, Harry is pissed to find out that Potter uncovers and defeats the real Heir of Slytherin.

Potter’s mass murderer godfather is looking for him. Harry is overjoyed that for once, Potter walks the halls in a less self-satisfied manner, although he’s not sure if it’s because of the dementors or Sirius Black.

“Serves him right,” he mutters to Pansy Parkinson, who pushes herself up next to him, places a hand on his arm, and flutters her eyelashes. Harry is a little disgusted, but sucks it up because his mum tells him that Heiress Parkinson is a good match.

“Although,” he continues, “Dad says Black isn’t really a Death Eater, not really. He should know. Dad was the Dark Lord’s favorite.” They walk off to fetch their Dementor costumes, which are a surprise for Potter in the next Gryffindor-Hufflepuff quidditch match.

Harry gets attacked by a Hippogriff later in the year, after impulsively jumping on Buckbeak’s back without waiting for his permission. To add insult to injury, a few months later, Granger punches him in the face.

Potter tells him that he deserves all of it.

How Potter manages to worm his way into the Triwizard Tournament, Harry has yet to figure out. In the meantime, he works on his “POTTER STINKS” badges, gleefully distributing them to three-fourths of the Hogwarts population. People like Harry, after all.

“The git,” he writes his father, “Thinks he’s all that, and then some. Wish you taught him a lesson at the Quidditch Cup.”

Potter has once more taken to strutting around the castle like he owns the place.

It vexes Harry that as the tournament progresses, Potter manages to escape a dragon on his broomstick, battle a village of merpeople using gillyweed that he stole from Uncle Sev, and survive a treacherous maze, only to declare that the Dark Lord is back.

For some reason, however, what ticks Harry off the most is how good Potter looked in his dress robes at the Yule Ball.

Harry gets to dock points from Potter this year.

“Potter” he draws out. “Ten points from Gryffindor for being a git.” The Weasel and the Know-It-All have to restrain Potter from launching himself at Harry.

“Ah, ah, ah,” Harry says. “Twenty points from Gryffindor for attempting to attack a member of the Inquisitorial Squad.” His fellow Slytherins snicker from behind him.

Harry laughs as he saunters off with Pansy and Blaise Zabini.

This is his best year yet.

Harry is regretful when Umbridge is sacked at the end of the year.

Harry has less time to stalk Potter now that the Dark Lord has given him a monumental task. He is doomed to fail, he knows it.

He pales, thinking of his mum trapped at the Malfoy Manor, surrounded by madmen and petty criminals.

So far, his paltry attempts to kill Dumbledore have failed. To be honest, Harry doesn’t really want to kill him. Merlin knows the old coot is deranged, but surely nobody deserves death?

Harry manages to keep his thoughts to himself, thankful that Uncle Sev has successfully taught him to occlude.

In a wild fit of desperation, he follows Potter one afternoon, hoping to get some ideas. He is discovered, so Harry ends up almost cutting Potter open with a curse that Uncle Sev invented.

Ultimately, it is Uncle Sev who kills Dumbledore, much to the displeasure of Harry’s aunt, Pet Lestrange, the Dark Lord’s most fanatical follower.

It hurts Harry to see the pain in Potter’s eyes when Dumbledore falls from the Astronomy Tower.

Harry defects early in the year, taking his mum and dad with him, kicking and screaming.

Potter, naturally, wants to reject the Malfoys, but the Order prevails upon him because of all the information Harry and his family can provide.

After his parents are given safe haven, Harry refuses to sit tight. It is simply not in his nature.

He accompanies the Golden Trio on the Horcrux Hunt and he is tasked with conjuring fiendfyre to destroy the horcruxes. They infiltrate the ministry using Harry’s connection to Umbridge, who, at the end of the day, is willing to take the side of whomever she thinks will end up victorious. They rescue a number of their schoolmates from the Malfoy Manor, sneaking in with the help of the Malfoy house elves.

They even escape Gringotts on the back of a dragon. Wicked.

These are honestly some of the best moments of Harry’s life.

Although, Harry admits, this is partially because he and Draco also sneak out to snog, but no one, not even Granger and the Weaselbee, know about that.

At the final battle, Draco defeats Voldemort with Harry’s wand, which Harry surreptitiously passes to him right before he drops his cloak.

The Dark Lord falls without much fanfare.

The room erupts in cheers. Honestly, Harry expected something a little more exciting than this.

He looks at Draco, who uncharacteristically runs to him and kisses him all at once. It’s the impulsive Harry effect, probably.

The hall turns so quiet you can hear a pin drop. Really, this is what silences the masses?

Harry shrugs, grabs Draco’s hand, and they walk out into the Hogwarts grounds together, arms intertwined.

Sometime when the funerals end and the celebrations begin, Harry elopes with Draco.

The press goes wild, naturally. Conspiracy theories about the couple crop up. It amuses Harry that people think he has Imperiused, charmed, or potioned Draco. The sod is resistant to everything.

Almost everyone, including Granger and Granger 2.0 (Draco’s sidekicks elope too, apparently, and Weaselbee takes Granger’s name), tells Draco that he is too good for Harry.

Harry simply doesn’t care. He is the one who gets the guy, after all.

On their honeymoon, he writes to his parents.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Sorry you had to find out from the news -anyway, I married the Boy-Who-Lived. We’re off on a year-long honeymoon in South America. Celebrate at the Manor when we get back?

With love from your son,

Harry James Malfoy-Potter

P.S. He’s still a berk though.

Lily and James forgive him eventually.