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The moon at its highest shone over the deep, blue ocean and gleamed to the carpet of grasses where the water droplets from it’s moist reflected the moonlight. The leaves danced to the rhythm of the cold, night breeze, and this pleasant wind lulls everyone to sleep.
But not for Xiaojun. It gave him goosebumps as he traveled down the street. Embracing oneself to keep their body warm, so he did. He rubbed his hands together to create heat and stop his fingers from freezing. The cold passed through his ill-knitted sweater, a gift he received that was probably bought from the dollar store across the road. He coughed and almost choked from a petal that came from his throat. He stared at it and imagined how the flower could possibly grow from inside his body.
Flowers sprout like it's spring, blooming in different colors and growing in different sizes. It grows from the wintry touches of heedless but cruel fingers that trace hearts that turn into bloody lines. From the chaste kiss that was futile and rushed, blooms a flower, a thriving one.
Funny how these flowers of elegance and life, consequentially bloomed through the abhorrent cruels of unrequited love. Like in an unhealthy soil, the flowers manage to live and grow. It wasn't a travesty. Instead, it was a veracious contradiction. His lungs filled up with perennials, almost like a garden in summer, but in the middle of a rain. Like a wild flower amidst the thunder, he's there waiting to be plucked by the strong wind.
Just like any other garden, it should be taken care of. But sadly, it longs for the presence of it’s gardener.
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Xiaojun met Jaehyun in one of the freshman parties he got dragged to. A messy house full of last minute decorations, alcohol and smoke lingering across the room, and everyone dancing in the rhythm of lights and deafening music. Blinded and dazed, he walked through the crowd as he pushed random people to the side. It was hard to breathe in between bodies of waste and sweaty people, whose skin reek of tobacco and obnoxiously bitter brandy. Then, he found an opened door, but before he even stepped foot on the dark tiles of the room, someone pulled him by his arms to stop him.
That's when he met Jung Jaehyun, again. He remembered seeing the same pair of crystal eyes and fair peach lips back then. Pearl champagne like skin, glowing under the middling moonlight and his dimples. It was the same sarcastic giggle, laugh that he could recognize anywhere. Familiarity strikes him, and that's when he realized it was the same person who saved him a few years ago.
He knew it was him. The little kid who saved him from the bad children who kept on stealing his lunch box at school. He was the child who smiled at him and told him that it'll be alright. And now, he is the person who will change his life forever.
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It was in October, 10 years ago when Xiaojun was only 9. He was thin and small, a flimsy child who held tightly on the strap of his bag as he walked to school. He barely smiles and talks with people. The breeze brushed through his hair, obstructing his view every time a strand of hair fell to his face. Then, a group of kids, bigger than him, came running to his direction. Alarmed, he instinctively turned his back and walked fast. He’s murmuring under his breath — praying to all the Gods — to not let them notice him, to save him from what is about to happen when those kids get their filthy hands —most probably from the mud they touch when they play on the aged and dejected playground— so he closed his eyes when he felt a strong grip on his bag.
Then, he finds himself getting dragged to the playground. The group surrounded him as he sat there on the dusty hard ground beside the broken swing. They’re laughing and all that he can do is look down as they mocked him and kicked sand onto his clothes. They got his bag and Xiaojun watched while they rummaged through his bag, helplessly. He wants to yell at them, to stand up for himself but he can’t. Not when he’s alone and smaller at them in comparison. Trying to hold back his tears, he bit his lips to muffle a hiccup. The kids are about to go, with Xiaojun’s lunchbox and wallet, but a boy stood in front of them, obstructing their way out.
They argued and threw hands, but the boy kept dodging and pushing the kids until they fell. The boy then said something and got Xiaojun’s lunchbox and wallet from them. The kids ran away and Xiaojun stared at the boy in shock. How could he beat them when he’s alone? Isn’t he frightened?
The kid walks towards him and helps him to stand up by offering his hands — to which Xiaojun hesitates to hold — and the kid pulls him up and hands him his bag and lunchbox. The young Xiaojun nervously gulped and took it with trembling hands.
“Don’t let them take your things again, okay?”and he nodded. The kid smiled widely, a dimple showing on the corner of his lips. "They're bad kids and you shouldn't be friends with them"he added and Xiaojun only nodded in agreement. Those children isn't his friends in the first place.
"Do you have other friends?"the latter asked and Xiaojun looked down and fiddled with the lower button of his uniform. "No"he answered in a small voice. The little kid frowned and placed his right hand on Xiaojun's shoulder. "You can always find one"the kid replied and gave Xiaojun a reassuring smile. He's kind and warm-hearted, the young Xiaojun thinks.
“Then, can you be my friend?”Xiaojun whispered, trying not to stutter. He was embarrassed when the boy just stared at him, so he looked away hiding his face –cheeks flushed with pink and burning– as he scratched the back of his head. The kid giggled and pat his head. “Of course. You can always call me. My name is Jaehyun.” And Xiaojun never forgot his name. He remembered it like a hotline he’d always call when in need. Jaehyun pis always there for him and they would always play on the abandoned playground and sing on the top of their lungs while they sat on the rusty swing. Until one day, Jaehyun didn’t show up. Xiaojun waited, he always does, but there is no sign of him, not even a shadow.
So he tried to find him. He even went to his house, only to find out that they moved out already. Xiaojun didn’t understand why Jaehyun never bid him his goodbye. So, he went back to their place –the playground they played on almost everyday– with a frown on his face and teary eyes. Nonetheless, he’s not angry with him, he always waits by the swing every single day until Xiaojun graduated from middle school.
He became busy and started interacting with other people. He met a lot of them and became familiar with their faces and how they just come and go in his life, yet one person could never be erased from his mind and memory. Maybe, he would never want to forget him. So, he carried on with a memory he holds dearly in his chest. When college started, Xiaojun was uneasy and frantic. A nescient boy trying to blend in a new environment of competitiveness and difficulty. He asks himself every single day if he could and that he should endure it. And everything became bearable when he saw Jaehyun again.
“So, you’re Dejun-ah? The boy in the playground?”and Xiaojun nods in response. Jaehyun smiled, the smile that Xiaojun missed, and thought he would never see again. God, he glows whenever his dimples appear on the side of his curved lips. Jaehyun opened his arms and the younger was shocked by the gesture. He moved closer to Jaehyun and sheepishly giggled when Jaehyun pulled him closer and drew him into a hug. “I thought I would never see you again”Jaehyun said as he embraced the younger’s body close to him. Xiaojun indulged himself from the amiable presence and smiled.
“You disappeared”he mumbled and Jaehyun pulled away. Xiaojun stared at him and the latter patted his head, just like the first time he saw him. Xiaojun wanted to cry and pull Jaehyun again for a hug. “I’m here already”and Jaehyun told him everything that happened. Jaehyun’s father was brought to a hospital after an accident, so they have to find a hospital in the city for better treatment. The reason why he was gone without a trace, and that’s when they became close to one another again. That’s when Xiaojun realized that he would be Jaehyun’s 119. Someone the older can call when he needs help. It’s time to return his favors.
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Xiaojun remembered it vividly. The first time he coughed up a velvety brown flower. He cried so much that day, feeling his chest tighten every minute and his breathing unstable. How could he forget when it was after that frightful evening. It was after Jaehyun hugged him, when Jaehyun held him in his arms that dreadful night when he failed one of his subjects and lost his grandmother. The older stayed with him and consoled him. He was there until Xiaojun slept —something he regretted doing because he left in the morning—he hoped he didn’t sleep that night, so he could be with him a little longer. He remembered sitting up on the bed and looked outside the window where the sun rose slowly, smearing bright orange colors all over the dark, blue sky. Whilst admiring the glorious scene, he felt his chest clench like someone is putting pressure. There’s something blocking his throat and he could feel it. It was solid, but it was soft at the same time.
Then, he vomited and saw a petal. Shocked and bewildered, he runned from the bathroom to his bedroom and pulled out his phone. He called Hendery, one of his colleagues. He continued coughing them across the bed sheet as he waited. When Hendery came, he held him and comforted him. The younger convinced him to see a doctor.
“You gotta be kidding me. This is not normal”he shouted and Hendery, who was sitting on the couch, runned his hand through his hair. “It’s Hanahaki, Dejun”and Xiaojun stopped –from pacing from left to right– and looked at Hendery whose eyes were on the floor. “You’re coughing up flowers because they’re growing in your lungs. It’s because of unrequited love”Hendery explained and Xiaojun’s mouth ajar. His whole body quivers, while Hendery looked up to him.
Unrequited love? He’s dying because of an unreciprocated sentiment. He wanted to laugh and cry. He doesn’t know what to feel at all. Xiaojun fondled the petal on his palm and a small smile formed in his lips. He’s dying because of Jaehyun and that made him feel like it was worth it. Worth knocking at death’s door with a flower on his hand and offer it to the devil. Because after all, Jaehyun is someone who is worth life for.