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There's a fine line between the space of death and life, and Yoongi knows it.
He knows this because ever since he was young there were things he could see that others could not, there were monsters that crawled in and out of his field of vision and left him heart hammering and legs shaky and wishing for all the world that the next time he'd open his eyes the veil that covered the eyes of everyone around him would also cover his.
Ironically, it was his half blind grandmother, who one day told him;
Even if you can't see them clearly, the shadows will still be there.
And so the fear never left, but somehow, acceptance settled in.
Yoongi grows up like this, ignoring the things that come and go like crawling spiders, covers the mirrors so that he won't have to see the faceless things that peer in from the other side, Yoongi avoids eye contact with the people who don't look like people anymore, though sometimes it's hard.
Sometimes it's hard because they still look like people, some more than others, however, the trick is in the feet.
There are steps to this.
One, find the person that looks out of place, they always look a little lost, a little worse for wear, a little too insubstantial.
Two, stand next to them, it's gradual, the cold that emanates from them, you might even get to feel what they feel, residual emotions, Yoongi likes to call them, maybe sadness or anger, seeping out of them in waves, the thing is, the emotion that you experienced as you died, this will stay with you for a long long time.
Three, don't make eye contact.
Once they see that you can see them, they'll stick like flies to honey, they'll stay with you and beg for help, beg and cry and wail and blame you because they don't understand that they're dead.
Four, look at their feet.
People who are no longer rooted to this world fade from it feet first. This is the part you need to be careful with. It's fine if their feet appear almost like a hologram, that's good.
But then there are the ones where you repeat all the previous steps, and still see their feet firmly planted on the ground, still walking as if their bones were still wrapped in sinew and muscle and skin, still walking around as if they held weight, as if they were a person.
However, you'll know for sure if they touch you.
Yoongi grew up seeing the spirits of the dead, and knowing that what these things want the most is a body.
A vessel, because theirs is broken.
And unfortunately, Yoongi's vessel is too big even for himself, because there's plenty of room for others to come in, too easy for them to kick him out after.
His grandmother knew; prayed over him and made him sleep with a clear cup of water under his bed.
It will help you sleep better.
His grandmother knew; wrapped red braided threads about his ankles, odd little charms hanging from them that sounded like muted chimes when he walked.
His grandmother knew; stared at the boy sitting at the table as Yoongi watched the body that was supposed to be his try and fool his blind grandmother.
You're not my Yoongi-yah are you? Bring him back.
But once out of your own body it's so hard to get back into it.
Especially when you were too scared to practice. Too scared of willingly getting out, only to try and getting back in and failing and failing and feeling yourself almost fading and finally coming back and finding out it's been two days.
Yoongi avoids eye contact with the people who don't look like people anymore.
Even when it's hard.
Especially when it's hard.
In these cases, to know for sure, you have to let them touch you.
It has to be brief, something almost accidental, but it has to be where there's more than just you and them, because if they touch you, they'll feel warm, they'll chase it like a moth to a flame. You can't let them single you out.
They feel like ice.
The type of cold that will turn your skin violet and prick like needles.
These are the type you want to avoid the most. These are the kinds that have actively chosen to stay.
But staying isn't good.
You forget things, you forget you died, you forget your name or who you are and that slowly drives you mad. Drives you to the point of where all you become is the dark shadows that lurk in the corner and crawl under beds and drain the essence of those it gets latched onto.
You become a specter, a bad emotion that taints like mold on walls, something sinister. You become the shadows Yoongi sees crawling like spiders from the corners of his eyes.
Today, Yoongi isn't sure step number three matters much.
He's already looking into wide doe eyes, an entire galaxy inside of them despite the fact that when Yoong isibrushesd by them the other person shivers like one does when extremely cold and given a warm jacket.
Excuse me, I'm trying to get to the hospital.
It's what the apparition gives as an explanation after composing themselves from the uncontrollable shiver, almost apologetic for having brushed by Yoongi.
Yoongi thinks it endearing.
It's a cycle.
Sometimes Yoongi does help.
When you know you're about to die, you make peace with this fact, you understand that your heart will stop and that the very essence of you will tear itself from your physical body and ascend to…
Well, whatever it is that they go.
Yoongi doesn't know. Only knows that depending on the person, they either fade away or stay and become the monsters people are horrified of.
However, when one dies by accident, or in any manner that is too fast to process, you don't know that you're dead.
And so you begin the loop.
You're fated to repeat the same things that lead up to your death until you realize you're gone.
And that is, if you realize you're gone. Ghosts are awfully forgetful.
Yoongi comes every night to the same spot to simply stand for a couple of minutes next to the boy with the wide eyes and shy bunny smile, because Yoongi wants to help.
And so Yoongi makes eye contact despite the cold that envelops him and asks;
"Why are you heading to the hospital?" The boy looks surprised, as if he hadn't expected Yoongi to even begin conversation, scanning his face for a moment, only a second of confusion before finally breaking into a sheepish grin. " Its kinda funny actually," the doe eyed boy begins, in his eyes, there's something that is too warm to be dead " My boyfriend fell down the stairs, rammed his head against the edge of a door, nearly lost his damn ear, I think it was fate though, as soon as I got him in the emergency room, his appendix burst." The boy laughs, trying to make light of the situation because he's able to find humor in it now that it is over, Yoongi chuckles, because even though the narration of the story is meant to sound reprimanding and ridiculous, it's laced with what can only be love.
"Are you visiting him then?" He questions further, holding back a shiver, his teeth only a second away from chattering, the boy nods, fond smile never leaving his face. "Well yeah, our apartment is lonely without him, I find myself unable to sleep if he's not there, we've been dating for years y'know?" He announces proudly, his smile boastful for a moment, he glances both ways then, smiles at Yoongi one last time, all pink lips and bunny teeth and does eyes and stars.
"Hey" Yoongi calls before the other can step a foot onto the asphalt
"Yeah?"
"Be careful when you cross the street" he murmurs, and the boy looks at him surprised, a carefree cackle leaving his mouth. "Ha! Thank you, I will!"
Yoongi knows he was, Yoongi knows he was careful, Yoongi knows from the vigil that had been held by the entire neighborhood only weeks before, knows by the small memorial that had been set up on the adjacent corner of the intersection that Jeon Jeongguk was careful. Knows that the culprit was a seventeen year old spoiled boy with a new sports car who wanted to see how fast it went.
But knowing that won't change anything now will it?
Yoongi wants to help. He hates doing it, but this time it's different.
And so like clockwork, he'll get to the intersection of First street and Boulevard.
Like clockwork he'll stay under the streetlamp facing the streetlights until there's the familiar sound of rushed jogging and the icy cold and the;
"Ah, sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you, I'm heading to the hospital"
Followed by, "I'm going to see my boyfriend" and, "He fell down the stairs, hurt his ear and–"
And everytime Yoongi asks him to be careful.
It's become a scratched record.
"Sorry!! I'm off to the hospital!–"
"I'm going to see my boyfriend–"
"He had an accident–"
Be careful.
"Oh excuse me, I'm on my way to the hospital–"
"I'm going to see my boyfriend–"
"He had an accident–"
Be careful.
"Excuse me, I'm trying to...uh...do you know where the hospital is–?"
"I'm visiting my boyfriend–"
"He's….hurt–"
Be careful.
"Excuse me, do you know where the hospital is–?"
"I'm going to see my boyfriend–"
For the love of God Jeongguk, please be careful.
"I'm sorry, I'm trying to...I'm...my boyfriend, I think I lost my boyfriend–"
Ghosts are forgetful.
Yoongi wants to help, because this time is different.
"Where are you going?" He asks the ghost under the flickering street lamp, and the boy looks too much like he's lost.
"I...I'm finding someone" it's a quiet sentence, muffled by doubt and Jeon Jeongguk's eyes are dull under the strong furrowed brows, anxiety radiates off of him, the boy shivers slightly. Jeon Jeongguk looks frustrated and lost, and the longer the boy thinks about where he's supposed to go, the lamp overhead flickers harder
"I think…" Yoongi begins, trails off because he isn't even sure, not sure if this will help. "–I think you wanted to find your home" the words are quiet, and there's something in Jeongguk's expression that tells him he's not really buying Yoongi's suggestion, but at the same time, he's truly lost.
"You...made a wrong turn, and you lost your way" Yoongi states, eyes never leaving the other man's. Just when did the other's eyes grow so dull? So dark, he hardly smiles now.
"H-home?" Jeongguk stammers, as if he's hearing the word for the first time, in his eyes a flicker of recognition. "There's...there's someone...someone important" Jeongguk states suddenly, and Yoongi bites his tongue. "They're at home, you were going home, that person is there" It's a false promise, but somehow Jeongguk nods, eyes still dull, but determination on his face, and the flickering light finally goes out.
"I can take you home" Yoongi offers, and in the darkness, Jeongguk's eyes are somehow reflective despite the pitch black.
There's a fine line between the space of death and life, and Yoongi knows it.
Because Yoongi has danced in that space before, Yoongi has woken up in the middle of the night, gotten up from the bed and walked to the bathroom, tried flicking the light switch on only for his fingers to pass right through.
Yoongi has looked back towards his own bed to seen himself sleeping in it.
"I can take you home" he whispers again to Jeon Jeongguk, the boy with the big doe eyes and sheepish bunny smile, as he squats to roll up the ends of his pant legs, folds the fabric over red threads and charms, unknots the ends and rubs at his ankles. When he stands Jeongguk is staring at the anklets curiously before Yoongi puts them in his pocket.
"You were heading back from the hospital" Yoongi says, extending a hand and it's only a quiet moment before Jeongguk reaches forward to grasp it. "Am I okay?"
Jeongguk wonders, and it's a genuine question, Yoongi smiles at him reassuringly, his hand is beginning to hurt from the cold, he ignores it as he begins to walk towards his apartment, pulling the boy behind him.
"It's funny really, you fell down the stairs, rammed your head against a door and nearly lost an ear" Yoongi chuckles, his heart hammering away, his body shivers, it's late, close to one in the morning, behind him, Jeongguk remains silent, absorbing the information. Yoongi swallows, tries to fight off the cold, not yet.
Not yet.
"You ended up driving yourself to the hospital, good thing too because somehow the fall ended up making your appendix burst, you had to have surgery" Yoongi sniffles, Jeongguk is walking beside him now, his hand firmly in his, the cold is so painful his bones begin aching uncomfortably.
They walk a couple of more blocks, the yellowing street lamps providing hardly any light, finally Yoongi can see his apartment building, only a little more, just a bit, the fast pace begins to get uncomfortable, his head hurts, his body hurts.
"There's someone...at home?" Jeongguk's asks, voice unsure all of the sudden and Yoongi wants to laugh, because what is he supposed to say?
"Jeongguk...You…" Yoongi trails off, voice weak, what is he supposed to say? What is he supposed to do? How else is he supposed to help?
"Jeongguk...no...no...Yoongi, your name is Yoongi" he pants, head dizzy and stomach queasy, his vision blurs and he stops directly in front of his building in order to face the other. Jeongguk looks…
Jeongguk looks dead.
And Yoongi wants to die.
"My name…"
"It's Yoongi…and you had an accident, but this is your apartment building, and you're okay, you're okay because you're alive, you're alive and that's all that matters yeah?" The tears that were threatening to fall finally do, and it's the only thing that's warm now, Jeongguk looks at him confusedly, eyes searching Yoongi's face, trying hard as if he could remember. Yoongi's teeth chatter now, but he pulls Jeongguk close, holds him tight, hold him close because he needs to.
"I love you, and I'm sorry" he sighs, tears falling freely and Jeongguk buries his face in the crook of his neck, hands grasping at his sides so helplessly. When he speaks again, his voice is soft.
"Hyung?"
When Yoongi wakes up on Tuesday morning, he feels as tired as if he hadn't slept at all, he stands with a grunt and heads to the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror.
The man that stares back looks tired...more than a single sleepless night type of tired, more like the type of tired that is embedded in the bones and threaded through the fibers of muscle, impossible to shake off.
It's funny really, the image in the mirror.
He stares absentmindedly at himself, at the blond hair that has a considerable amount of roots growing in, at the scar on the lower right part of his belly, and the scar of his left ear.
At the sleepy cat eyes. It's odd really, the way he sees himself.
There are days he doesn't feel like himself.
In the mirror there's a man, but there are days where he can't recognize him.
He thinks he likes his features, likes the feline shape of his eyes and his button nose and the small mouth.
Like his features are familiar but not his own.
It's been almost a year since the accident that led to his appendix surgery, almost a year since he took a fall down the stairs and nearly lost his ear.
Perhaps it's an untreated head injury, these thoughts, these feelings.
For a year he's felt like he's not himself, for a year he's felt like he's missing something.
He just can't remember what it is.