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Dear Thire,
There is no way of saying this prettier or less painful than just the truth so I won't beat around the bush any longer and just cut right to the chase. I want to end our relationship. This is not your fault, I don't want you to feel guilty for anything, I just don't love you anymore. I'm sorry. I understand that this must have meant a lot to you, and so did it to me. I look back at our time together with a smile. But this is nothing for the future. I'm sorry. ~Thorn
He stares at the letter for a long moment. Everything around him seems to crumble down. Suddenly there's a different voice filling his head. I found someone else. The paper flutters from his hand and drops to the floor. I love him, I'm sorry. A moment later Thire is on the floor right beside it. This isn't working out. We were never meant to last. He feels like he can't breathe. I just don't love you anymore. It's like a punch to the gut. A repetition of before.
He wants to cry, to scream, to destroy something. But he can't. Trapped in his own mind, past and present mixing itself. I thought this was forever his own voice, hopeless, desperately pleading. And the answer Sometimes things don't work out, I'm grateful for what we had. But it's over now. Something inside him breaks, something that was barely held together by sheer force of will. He had felt himself healing with Thorn there to catch him. But now, now it's all gone. All pointless, all worthless. He stares at the wall, saying to himself, "I know I love too fast. I know I clung too much, caught feelings where it was just fun and games. But couldn't you at least have said it to my face? Couldn't you have the fucking decency to tell me to my face that I'm not what you want?"
It feels like he's in a free fall, like he's nearing rock bottom. He feels betrayed and lost, played until the last minute just for Thorn to turn around and hit him where it hurt. "I didn't see it coming. I was too blind, just like last time."
Desperately his fingers claw at his face, the only skin they can reach, scratching, hurting. It's the only real thing in the room.
Pling his pad announces something. A meeting maybe, or a conference call. Thire can't be bothered to get up, to move, to do anything. He's lost, he's alone. It's as if he can feel his inside breaking, can hear the cracks as his heard breaks into a million more pieces. He can't believe his stupidity. How could he think that this was real? Believe that Thorn wanted this as much as he wanted it.
Too fast, too soon. Always too much or nothing at all.
Thire had desperately tried to be a better person. To change, to make everything right this time around. To never not be there, to never not care. But it hadn't worked out. It still wasn't enough. Or maybe it had been too much? Why couldn't he ever get it right? He had kept everything inside, tried to be the person Thorn needed at every moment in time. To not ask things the other wasn't willing to give. Why was he like this? Why could he never be what another person needed? Never enough, always too much.
"Please," it's the only word in the room. It echoes through the silence, "All I ever wanted..." He stops and doesn't say anything else. Relationships weren't about wanting, they weren't. That had been his first mistake. When ever he asked too much, wanted too much, they would turn around and leave. Because he fell too fast and too hard. He can feel himself spiralling, can't stop the thoughts going around and around. Am I right back where I started? That was the problem, wasn't it? He had thought that he was different, that he could try for happiness, for someone to share his life once more. But Thire hadn't changed.
He was still not enough and too much at once.
He should never have forced himself on Thorn in such a manner. Should've never set them both up for failure. Shouldn't have... So many things he shouldn't have done. Assumed that Thorn felt as he did. That he enjoyed quiet nights and cute nicknames as much as the fun sex they had had. Thire had just been a means to an end. And then he had gone ahead and tried to take for himself what wasn't his.
He's grieving something that in all likelihood wasn't real. He can almost hear Fox's voice, I'm sorry, cyar'ika. You deserve so much better than him. He never deserved you. And the unspoken words that go with it. That his best friend had known that this wasn't right for far longer, had just kept his mouth shut and let Thire have as much as he could before the inevitable end.
He doesn't know if he should be grateful or not. It hurts but he knows he wouldn't have listened before. He never listened when his friends told him that something wasn't the right thing. Hadn't listened back then. And wouldn't have listened today. Thire knows that he's the one to blame. That he's the one that fucked everything up.
But he can't stop the anger pouring out, the anger at Thorn. Last night they danced, swayed to the music in their quarters. Thorn's arms wrapped around him, he felt as if everything was finally right again. As if he had had a little bit of everything, had everything he ever wanted. The tears finally start to roll. This was everything. A true love, one for the ages. They shared everything, trusted, falling and knowing that the other was catching them. Or so he had thought.
This morning Thorn had kissed him goodbye told him that they would see each other in the evening. He had known that this note was waiting for Thire. Had played his game till the very end.
"How could you?" His voice sounds raw, harsh as if he screamed before. "How could you forget that I am a person. That I am more than a toy. I am real, I feel and I suffer."
It's him that needs to hear this. That needs to hear that he still exists. That he still has a soul, a heart. That he's a person.
"I deserved to not be played," Thire's not even sure if that's the truth. Maybe he did deserve this. Maybe he was too much and not enough at once. Maybe this was just punishment for putting someone else into an impossible position. Everything about this had felt real, like they both wanted it. Both enjoyed it. A real love, one for the ages.
Like slow-dancing after a long day was something that was a genuine possibility for them. Actual romance, true love. Slowly he pulled himself to a standing position and grabbed his pad. Opened the messenger. The last message was from Cody, a confirmation of their date. Without permission a pained laugh broke out of him. He felt like a maniac, laughing at his own demise. He had planned to introduce Thorn to his friends, his brothers. Had told them that this time it was different. Thorn's nothing like him. You're going to like him.
Seems like Thorn was different but Thire wasn't. He needed to cancel that now. Opened the chat. Started typing. Stopped. He couldn't do this. He. It was too soon.
He scrolled down a bit. Opened another chat, Shard.
Thire: I need you to cover my first meeting. I'll be on time for the next one.
His second in command would be able to jump in quickest and he wouldn't ask any questions. Would know before they saw each other again. Would be the one that didn't pity him, didn't treat him like glass. The only one. A bit of normalcy in a life that was on fire.
Thire looked up, stared at the grey wall behind his desk. Saw the stacks of datapads out of the corner of his eye. Vowed to get them all done internally. Decided to go training more, finally work himself back up to ARC standard. As he was thinking these thoughts he could see himself from outside. Watched himself, saw him working himself to the ground once more. Everything to not think. No longer a little bit of everything. Now it would be all of the time.
Almost without permission he scrolled down a bit further and clicked on the next name. Fox. The person he should call, should talk to. He should hide out with his best friend, give up all responsibility for a bit. With Fox he was never too much, always enough. With Fox he was home.