Archive of Our Own

Jaemin, 8 years old

“I wonder what kind of music my soulmate likes.”

8-year-old Na Jaemin says with his back against his mattress while going through the mental list of his favorite songs.

It’s his fifth time that day talking about his soulmate, a person whose name, nationality, or gender he doesn’t know. Unlike everyone else, Jeno doesn’t sigh, get annoyed or uncomfortable, too used to the same subject being mentioned day after day.

“It’s not like they’ll like the same songs you do,” Jeno says, “-and, even if they do, won’t you get tired of listening to the same song all the time?” He pretends to shudder, to which Jaemin rolls his eyes, he turns his gaze from the ceiling to his best friend at his desk, where Jeno is flipping through the new mangas they had bought earlier today.

“I won’t mind if it’s my favorite song, they can play it hundreds and hundreds of times and I’d be the happiest person on earth.”

“Uh-huh…” Jeno hums, unimpressed.

“What?” The younger sits straight in bed, offended.

“Doyoung-hyung says he stopped liking his favorite songs because of his alarm. He said he heard it so many times in the middle of good dreams, so he skips it whenever it comes on.”

When the younger one doesn't say anything, Jeno looks up to the bed to gauge his reaction. Jaemin takes a moment, looking down in thought, but then he turns back to Jeno with his fondest smile.

“That’s because hyung’s dreams cut by the songs- my dreams will come true when I listen to them”.

Jaemin’s always hearing nice and funny stories about how people met their soulmates- the stories were not necessarily romantic, some even came with a bout of trouble, but nevertheless Jaemin couldn’t wait to grow up and find his soulmate. 

It was his biggest wish. 

It wasn’t as exciting being surrounded by people who didn’t find their soulmates, though. Jaemin didn’t understand how they were all happy even without meeting their soul partners, twin flames -people with whom they were supposed to have such a strong soul connection, that they could hear the songs the other was listening to, telepathically.

It was a cute concept, apart from the pitfall that people hardly ever found their soulmates since songs were the only thing they could share: no thoughts, no words could be transmitted, no “where are you?”, “what’s your name?” or “what’s your favorite kind of cake?”. Just songs. 

While music is able to connect people, it hardly was ever enough for them to find each other. It didn’t mean compatibility or even linking for most of them, just songs playing in unpleasant times, with alarm clocks, gym background music- there was no way to give your soulmate a heads up when one of them decides to go to nightclubs or rock concerts. People with soulmates had to learn how to live with this somehow, and sometimes, it was hard to tell if it was better for them to meet their soulmate so they could tell them to shut up or if it was better just not knowing them at all.

There were, too, those who didn’t have any soulmates.

It was quite common to find people who just didn’t have songs playing inside their heads during exams, sleep, and special occasions. Some of them believed their soulmates didn’t reincarnate with them, some assumed theirs just weren’t alive in the same time they were in. Besides those, there were the pessimistic ones, sure that they were supposed to die alone, and lastly, the ones who didn’t believe any of it, there wasn’t a surefire way of proving the connection was real, after all. 

Jaemin’s parents were the rare ones- soulmates. The odds and fate were on their side. Aware of this, they tried not to push up Jaemin’s expectations; knowing  the frustration not having a soulmate could bring, or how messy things could be if two people’s souls were in sync but their minds weren’t.

Jaemin knew all that in theory, as much as an 8 year-old can understand; However, he didn’t let it stop him from daydreaming, still hoping to find a love so wonderful and so pure that it would come in the form of sweet and calming lullabies.

Jaemin yawns, placing the big stuffed rabbit he sleeps with every night beside his bed, making room for his best friend. 

Jeno finishes the last chapter of his manga, and goes dutifully to turn off the lights, leaving just a faint lamp next to Jaemin on. Eyes heavy, he climbs on the bed, pulling the covers over both of them, a usual setting for their weekly sleepovers, taking care to wrap Jaemin, pouting, lost in thought, in. 

“Jeno-yah, why don’t you ever talk about your soulmate?” Jaemin furrows his brows when Jeno turns to face the wall, away from him, to give him his back. The older one hums when Jaemin pokes his shoulder “Come on, you never say anything about them. How do you imagine them?”

Jeno doesn’t even look at him. He shuts his eyes, tired from strain, and nestling himself deeper into the covers, he says, too sleepy to think, “I don’t mind finding them, anymore.”

Jaemin raises a brow, curiosity piqued.

“‘ Anymore’ ?”

Jaemin doesn’t get an  answer. Jeno’s slow, heavy breaths indicate  that he’s already fast asleep. Jaemin clicks his tongue, but all he does is just turn off the lamp beside his bed and snuggle closer to cuddle with his best friend, letting his warmth and breathing help him drift away as his eyes close.

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jaemin, 12 years old

It’s Jaemin’s 12th birthday.

His parents arranged it all: The party’s on the right day, he’s surrounded by people who love and care for him, and he’s got a big cake.It was absolutely perfect- He could spend time with everyone to celebrate and, from now on, he would be able to hear the songs his soulmate was listening to. 

It’s a tricky business, since people don’t listen to music every single hour of the day, so he would have no way of knowing when he’ll hear from them- it could be right at midnight, it could be at the exact birth time.

A few months ago, a couple of his classmates spent the birthday of the youngest between the two listening to different songs on earphones, meticulously planning to start off  from the last few hours on the day before, sure they were fated to be together. 

He also remembers the heartbreak on their faces in the days that followed. Right after that, anyone could tell they started distancing from each other little by little. A strong bond as strong as theirs should have been able to overcome even the hands of fate. 

Luckily, Jaemin didn’t have a specific person in mind. Just the idea of having a soulmate alone was enough to make him feel butterflies. It was just all too easy for him to look on the bright side of each bad possibility that his classmates bring up.

“What if their music taste is the opposite of yours?”

“Then we’ll learn to appreciate different music styles.”

“What if they listen to songs too loud when you go to sleep?”

“Then I’ll play soft ones until they calm down.”

“What if they speak another language?”

“I’ll learn new words,” Jaemin would answer, “Or even a whole new language.”

It would be easier to convince Jaemin that he doesn’t have a soulmate (yet, this alone was harder than making him drop the subject) than to try to prepare him for the fact that, maybe his soulmate wouldn’t be such a great person.

He did want his soulmate to be nice, and he really hoped they could meet someday. Not necessarily to be romantic partners but to find the one person who matched you on spiritual levels. The song telepathy was just a detail that most of the time was unpleasant, and therefore, he never longed too much on that aspect itself -- He didn’t ignore it, but what good would it make to stress about something that wasn’t even true yet? Wasn’t it better to expect it to be good? Looking at the bright side?

But Jaemin hadn’t been prepared for how intense it all could be until, after his birthday party, while getting ready for bed, he hears a faint birthday song.

Wait. A birthday song?

He stiffens and he quickens to sit so he could hear it better, his heavy breathing the only actual sound filtering through his ears.

It wasn’t a dream, he wasn’t hallucinating.

He was listening to a song. A song that didn’t reach his ears, that wasn’t coming from the TV, from the computer… It was inside his head. 

Blood drains from his hands, rushing to his head,. He feels his stomach twisting and his lips trembling. Jaemin can’t bring himself to move,the volume of the birthday song is soft compared to the hard and loud beating of his heart. 

All his life he had waited for this moment, a confirmation that there was someone, anyone, out there for him, with a soul that connected to his. He’d thought about it for so long, fantasized about the hard times that having this someone would bring. 

Then, it came and nothing could have prepared him for this.

Tears start burning in his eyes, and the lump on his throat never felt heavier. He wants so badly to scream and wake his parents up and tell them he does, indeed, have a soulmate, but all he could do was just cry silent and happy tears.

“I can’t believe they heard everyone singing happy birthday to me,” he whispers into the silent room.

He does have a soulmate. He has a soulmate, and they’re sweet.

Hot tears still rolling down his face, his cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. By the time the song ended, Jaemin’s still sniffling, still choked up on happiness.

He’s never felt happier. Never felt so giggly and bright.

He wishes, with all his heart, that he could tell Jeno.

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jeno, 9 years old

“Nono, what do you mean ‘you have to go’?”

Jeno, furrows his eyebrows even more, before burrowing his face into Jaemin’s favourite plushie, “I mean that I have to go, what else could it be, Nana?”

Jaemin almost doesn't catch that, Jeno’s words muffled by the big bunny head. The younger reaches out a hand to pat Jeno’s head as Jeno wrestles with his thoughts-  should he relax into the other’s always calming and curing caresses? Or should he give in to the horrible tormenting urge and finally cry? Now that he was telling Jaemin, there was no way back, right? He had done everything he could to convince his parents of the opposite, to tell his daddy that he could be very happy and find another job in that same city. That they didn’t have to move abroad. That he didn’t have to leave Jaemin.

He did try to argue. To show them as many reasons to stay as a 9-year-old could. It only made them upset. He was a big boy now. He had good grades, he could be convincing, give them reasonable answers why that wouldn’t be a good idea.

“ You’ll thank us when you’re older. ”

“ This is an opportunity that only few people have, you should be happy for your daddy. ”

How could he be happy when everything he knows and holds precious to was in a single smile that he was about to leave behind?

Jaemin’s fingers carding through his hair feel heavier than ever and a loud sob rips out of Jeno’s lungs, scratching his throat. He lets out one, two hiccups, the head of the bunny grows wet, trails of hot tears run down his face, wet spot on the plush’s furry head cool against his flushed face.

Jaemin is by his side in a flash, hugging and whispering sweet nothings, oh how he hoped they held some truth in them- but ll he knows is that Jeno would be leaving. He didn’t know where to, for how long, or why the other was going. He did know, though, that since they’ve known each other, Jeno had never ever broken down sobbing in front of him. Jaemin never saw him shed a tear for a broken arm, for his favorite toy being lost or broken. Now, all Jaemin can do while Jeno sobs inconsolably, fists clenching onto the big bunny ears, is to soothe the stiff muscles of his back.  

It’s a cold feeling, fear- and now Jaemin fears, on top of losing his best friend, that Jeno has lost part of his heart.

 ༶

It wasn't easy to be here right now, holding Jaemin's hand at the airport. Jeno had admitted defeat and agreed to go with his parents without giving them a hard time, only asking for more time with Jaemin: more sleepovers, more game nights. All this extra time was never used in the way it was meant to- they didn't really play as much as they usually did. The time was spent like silent goodbyes where Jeno clung to Jaemin like never before.

10 days. That was all Jeno had left with Jaemin. Only 10 days. Jeno had expected to move in a couple of months, but his parents had the move completely settled before even telling him- their tickets, their visas, his enrollment… it was all set before he even knew of it, he never stood a chance protesting against it in the first place

After the bout of tears from breaking the news to Jaemin, Jeno didn’t cry anymore- he’d wanted to, whenever they remembered he would soon have to leave, but he felt like he shouldn't cry while he could still see Jaemin, not wanting to taint what’s left of their happy memories with sad ones. 

Jeno’s always found Jaemin very transparent, and he could tell that he was trying his best to not make things more painful. Some small selfish part of him wanted Jaemin to cry and tell him to stay, even though it wouldn't change a thing, it would still be better than Jaemin acting as if they wouldn’t have to bid farewell.

"Jeno, it's time to say your goodbyes, we have to go now."

Jeno squeezes Jaemin's hand and looks at his mother, frustratedly, blaming her for being the one to bring that moment - his last moment holding his best friend's hand - to a forced close, his eyes brim with unshed tears and unspoken pleas, hoping for just a few more minutes- just a moment more.

She doesn't meet his eyes, instead, she steps away to hug her friends goodbye. Jeno knows, deep down, that it wasn't his parents' fault, and that they were sad about leaving people behind too, but in this moment, he just needs to find someone to blame for his broken heart.

"I made you this-"

Jaemin says lowly, bringing Jeno's attention to where he’s taking something out from his back pocket.

"It's a keychain, so you can put the keys to your new house… and- remember the old one."

Jeno’s hand shakes as he holds the keychain Jaemin hands over gently. His heart is beating so loudly in his chest he almost misses Jaemin saying “And me.” in a whisper.

The youngest squeezes Jeno’s hand before letting go of it, then he turns to reach into his backpack and takes out the big bunny that Jeno cried into so desperately the day he said he was leaving. Jeno looks at him, dazed, as Jaemin hands him the bunny.

“Nana, I can’t take this. It’s yours, and it’s your favorite…”

Jaemin swallows, Jeno can tell his best friend was trying his hardest to not let his voice crack, a little corner of his frazzled mind calms at the confirmation that it wasn’t hard just for him. 

That selfish part of him wants Jaemin to show how he feels, and knowing Jaemin feels the same and is making the effort to not further upset them both made Jeno feel so loved, in the most stomach twisting way.

“You-” Jaemin started, “You can keep him until you make new friends. But treat him well, okay?” His voice gets lower and Jeno really regrets wanting Jaemin to be sad over him leaving. How contradictory could he be?

“I’ll take care of him, then, but only until I come back-”

Jaemin looks at Jeno with his eyebrows furrowed. Jeno’s mom comes and takes Jeno by the hand, forcing him to say his hushed goodbyes louder than he intended to.

“I know you want to meet your soulmate but I don’t care about meeting mine!”

The world moves under his feet, Jeno’s parents having dragged him onto the escalator before he could finish saying what he wanted to say.

“I don’t care about my soulmate, Nana!” Jeno calls, “You’re my heartmate!”

He can’t really interpret Jaemin’s expression from afar, “I don’t care if I can listen to another person, I just want to be with you! And I’ll be back!”

As soon as he yells the last words, he reaches the next floor and loses track of Jaemin. 

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jeno, 12 years old

Having a soulmate is not as bad as he thought it would be.

It was not that noisy, or messy. If he was being honest, he thought it would be hell, but “not being a complete disaster” didn’t mean he was fine with having an intruder.

It was… different, to have someone connected to his soul, because then he didn’t really feel alone. The bad part was that, other than the times he wanted to be alone, the person on the other side of the line didn’t mean anything to him.

He couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty over being annoyed sometimes for not having privacy, even if the only connection was through music. He really didn’t want to have contact with whoever that was and hoped the person could forget about his existence on their side of the line too. In fact, he didn’t even know if they could hear what he was listening to, but just in case, he didn’t want to be perceived.

If he felt gloomy or happy, his first reflex was to listen to a song. Now, the thought of using music as a complement to whatever he was feeling made him feel uneasy, as if he was running to seek shelter in someone else.

He definitely didn’t need a soulmate.  Jaemin was his heartmate and he was all he needed. 

Jeno’s heart sank every time he heard advertisement music and songs through his soulmate connection since his 12th birthday. - it was a cruel and constant confirmation that he indeed, had a soulmate. It felt like fate ran against him and Jaemin- first, he had to move away, and now, his future was entangled with someone else’s. He never had a choice in  any of it. 

And to Jeno, it didn’t matter what fate had in plans for him; Jaemin was his best friend and he couldn’t just set his feelings for him aside just because life had a whole different plot for him.

He’d be lying though, if he didn’t feel his heart beating faster when August 13th came and he heard his soulmate listening to a birthday song. 2 years is a short time, and Jeno would never forget Jaemin’s birthday, he just didn’t have a way to contact him ever since he left.

What were the odds that his soulmate had the same birthday as Jaemin? 

Jeno could barely breathe even when the song stopped. He’d frozen in the middle of breakfast, his spoon in hand. He’d gotten a couple of looks from his parents, but those were the least of his worries.

Appetite all gone and insides twisting, he moves on autopilot to jam the last few spoonfuls of his cereal into his mouth and rushes upstairs to a quieter place, head spinning and heart pounding and body all too warm.

Fingers trembling, he opens a tab in his computer browser and plays the first birthday song that popped up as a result. He just listens to it attentively and when it is finished, he notices a pain forming in his chest. Since when did he start holding his breath?

Did it get through? He wonders, heart still pounding, did whatever he do get perceived by the other side?

There could be a chance that his soulmate was just younger and not hear it at all. They could be 15 and heard it well.

Or… it could have been Jaemin. 

The sudden realization of what he’d done hits him like a ton of bricks and he suddenly feels faint. 

Wouldn’t it be great if his soulmate was Jaemin? But he couldn’t possibly have faith in that- his luck’s already an absolute joke- and Jeno can’t just trust in his own gut either, what’s to say it wouldn’t fail him the way fate seemed to have?

Though to Jeno’s surprise, it seemed like his soulmate had noticed Jeno’s aversion to music, and  tried to respect his silence too. Eventually, the songs dropped in volume and frequency, and Jeno wonders if his soulmate  had, indeed, heard him and the birthday song.

They’re thoughtful , Jeno thinks. He tries his best to ignore the fact that he’d initiated contact with someone who should mean the world to him, and even if he was cursed for having such a person, they could possibly be rather sweet for trying to respect Jeno’s silence.

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jeno, 14 years old

A melancholic song interrupts Jeno’s shower, a low, relaxing, pleasant tune. He finds himself tilting his head under the warm water, trying to guess the unfamiliar, lyricless melody.

Soulmate songs weren’t as clear cut as Jeno imagined them to be. While the birthday song was easy enough to tell, everything he hears from the other side was echoey, lyricless, the kind of song one would think was designed for karaoke. The fact that he couldn’t tell what language was being sung made it ever harder to identify what song his soulmate was playing.

At first, he thought that the person was just weird, but when it came to opening themes of cartoons and tv series, he noticed that something was wrong. He later learns  that it’s a common phenomenon some people go through when their soulmates are too far apart, or when their souls are connected but not in sync.

He tries to ignore it as he  prepares for bed, it’s not until he’s still trying to fall asleep that it starts to really bother him. He sits up in bed and rubs his eyes, a little annoyed. It’s unusual for his soulmate to be listening to something so gloomy, usually he’d have more tolerance, but he has an 8th grade math test the following day, and he’s not about to let his moody soulmate ruin it for him..

“How do I tell them to stop?”

He has half a mind to fight back- he could do it, he’s annoyed enough to, and he has a laptop in his room now-it’s late, he’s exhausted, but his soulmate doesn’t seem to want to turn off the music any time soon, but he soon admonishes the thought of fighting- he’s not even sure how he would pull this off to begin with, let alone the fact that Jeno’s knows he doesn’t have a case to fight back , per se.

How does one pick a fight with their stranger soulmate? 

And his soulmate seemed so very sweet so far they’d respected his boundaries, even if he hadn’t properly set any yet, changed their listening habits compared to before the first- and last time- Jeno tried to interact with them on Jaemin’s birthday. Before, they’d listen to music everyday for hours, volume on high. It didn’t bother Jeno more than the fact of having a soulmate in the first place. Their existence (and presence in his life) took such a position  that Jeno learnt to dissociate himself and ignore the music playing in his head, up until August 13th, his soulmate’s birthday.

Since then, Jeno hasn't tried to get in touch ever again. 

He’d heard the other side playing a birthday song for his birthday every year, but he never tried doing the same for them again. He’d considered doing it, but that unsettling feeling inside him started making his stomach hurt before he could even decide for good. It felt weird, or even wrong to keep the connection alive as if it meant anything to him.

As much as he hated the idea of having a soulmate and having the person getting inside of his head (and doing the same to them), he knew that they weren’t the ones to blame. Even if they liked the idea of having a soulmate, they weren’t the ones who dragged him to this mess. People who really wanted to have a soulmate sometimes didn’t have another half, it was considered lucky to have one though, for Jeno, it was the lack of it. He wouldn’t know how the other person felt about it, and wasn’t really interested in finding out.

The song on the other side changes again and Jeno recognises it, finally, as Goodbye To A World.

He sighs, pulling the laptop from the table onto his lap and scratches his head before opening his laptop. It wasn’t just a sad song - The other end was sinking in sad, emo, and depressive playlists. 

As the laptop showed the youtube tab, he wondered which song would do the job.

He didn’t want to take away the right of mourning whatever they were going through, be it a bad grade, being dumped (he chuckles at this one), losing a friend, a relative, or even moving away, as he did.

“God, this is hard. I don’t even know that many songs”

He throws his head back against the pillow.

Why is he doing this, again? He hasn’t listened to songs for the past two years. 

Should he try a song with a happy melody? Would it break the vibe too much? That was the idea, right? Or maybe he should play something a bit sad, just for the other side not to feel alone? But he didn’t really care, so the other person would be alone anyway.

He thought about playing the Phantom of the Opera to startle his soulmate. It would definitely catch their attention. The thought made him smile mischievously, but he was quick to stop himself

Empathy, Jeno! Have empathy.

He wondered what the other person was doing to manage to listen to so many songs uninterrupted. Didn’t they have school or anything? It was night for Jeno, what time could it be for them? 

Another unknown song starts playing even louder than before and Jeno presses his fingers into his temples.

“Oh, my God, I can’t even think…”, he clicks his tongue, “Maybe I should just let them deal with whatever they’re going through?” None of this was his obligation and it was too hard- why would he bother anyway?

He didn’t care. His soulmate wasn’t his problem. He didn’t ask for them, and he could just listen to the Samsung alarm tone enough times and the other person to get a grip, hopefully- He shouldn’t have to deal with other people’s feelings, he was 14. He has his own problems too, right? Here he was, getting deprived of his much needed rest a night before a math exam just because someone he doesn’t even know is going through something. His “ soulmate ”. He didn’t care.

If it was Jaemin, however, he would care. Of course, he would. The thought of how giggly the songs always were, the birthday chants always around the same time...

“I’m going crazy, I swear…” He hisses “I know it can’t be him.”

He hasn’t thought about Jaemin in a while now. His soulmate was quiet enough for him to get used to their presence. This annoying situation now, however, only reminds him of why he didn’t want one in the first place. 

Two thoughts cross his mind as he closes his eyes, trying to think.

1) If his soulmate was Jaemin, he would definitely try to comfort him, to soothe him, to make sure he’s not alone, no matter what he’s going through.

2) His soulmate was probably not Jaemin, and the thought stung, harder, now that Jeno had Jaemin’s face and smile in his mind.

Jaemin is probably not his soulmate, but oh god, this is stupid , he’d want to think that Jaemin’s soulmate, whoever they were, would comfort him if he were in a mood somehow.

It sounded weird and he didn’t like it. Jeno could feel himself pouting so he brushes the thought away. After a long sigh, he laments he could be sleeping by now if he didn’t take so long. At this point he’s only doing this driven by the thought that if life was fair at any point, Jaemin’s soulmate would make him feel better if he needed them to.

What song should he play then? They technically won’t hear the lyrics on the other side, so he shouldn’t worry too much about the lyrics, right?

He grumbles again at the effort when he pulls out a coin from the backpack laying beside his bed. 

Heads, he’ll play an empathetic song; and tails, he’ll play a cheerful one.

He flips.

Heads .

He sighs. “It does seem to fit more, huh?”

He has two song choices in the back of his mind, and not knowing which one to choose, he flips the coin again. 

Head for “Somewhere Only We Know”; tails for “Yellow”

Tails .

Eyebrows furrowing, he wonders if he should be letting a coin tell him what to do and he starts typing the name of the song before he comes to a decision-.

Besides obviously liking “Yellow” way too much to use it without the lyrics, and worse, for his unrequited soulmate, the name of the other song speaks with him a lot. His head used to be somewhere only he knows but now it’s a place that he had to share with them ever since. . It left a bitter taste on his tongue, but it was… fine, right?

He lets the song playing inside his head come to an end and hits “play”, nervously covering his eyes with his hands, palms sweating. A different song starts playing on the other side, but after a couple of seconds, it stops.

His heart skips a beat when the only sound he can listen to is coming from the computer, not from inside his head.

Jeno feels goosebumps when he realizes it worked. He initiated contact again after over two years and this time it was going to be a bit longer than a “happy birthday” song. He finds himself holding his breath the same way he did two years before, and he sighs, trying to take just a deep breath.

He notices his hands getting cold and his stomach twisting from the thought that the person on the other end of the line might be listening and getting the wrong idea. This whole communication thing was too hard, based only on guesses, but still, he wouldn’t ever try asking someone about it, simply because he didn’t care and didn’t want anyone to think he did.

“ I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin ”

He’s 14, feeling lost in a country where he refused to open up to anyone, keeping everything he feels to himself. It sort of resonated with him, and he kind of hoped it was resonating with the other side too, even if they couldn’t hear the lyrics, the song itself was already very melodic and expressive.

He doesn’t want to be let in, but now that he thinks of it, shouldn’t he be the one letting them, whoever they were, in?

The thought alone is pathetic, and is oddly enough to make Jeno’s blood boil.

“Fate doesn’t mean anything”, he mutters.

When the song ends and he’s about to close his laptop and pray that he’d never have to contact the other side again, another song starts playing. Not a sad one, this time. 

He closes the laptop carefully, raising his eyebrows. Before he can get any more annoyed, he pays attention to how the song sounds.

It starts with a bubbly keyboard and it progresses to bass and drums after a few seconds. A contrast to the previous songs playing inside of his head before: This one was uplifting and cheerful, and Jeno wonders what was behind the hidden lyrics he could never listen to. 

“It’s different now. Maybe they got the hint? Are they feeling better now?”

The song doesn’t sound familiar to him, however, he concludes there’s no other reason why he shouldn’t accept it as a sign from the other side. It’s obvious, even , he thinks. 

The thought of helping another person, even if it wasn’t Jaemin, made his soul feel lighter and warmer. It was cold in his room, winter chill seeping through his clothes, but he doesn’t brush off the warm feeling of being hugged from the inside, and doesn’t think much of it either. 

Even though he’s far more awake than before and he still has his exam the following morning, unbeknownst to him, he smiles in his sleep.

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jeno, 17 years old.

Jeno gets home and drops his backpack on his bed. After having a snack, he sits by his desk and plays an alarm with the Japanese school bell as its tune three times. It signals his soulmate he’s about to study and needs to concentrate and the faint song that was playing before stops. 

Once he's finished studying, he plays a doorbell tune three times, like the earlier signal, as soon as he does, the other end of the line plays some random energetic songs for a while. Jeno doesn’t really like them but doesn’t interrupt or break the flow. He even thinks they’re okay for working out, maybe.

After a while, the telepathic music stops, but no other sound is heard. Jeno, then, starts playing his own playlist for a bit, full of hard rock and emo bands from the past year. He might have stopped rebelling himself (although still constantly annoyed and pissed off at fate), but he kept his music taste. 

He’s sure the other person is protesting hard or rolling their eyes, but he can’t bring himself to care. It worked like that, anyway. He wouldn’t interrupt their vibes unless he had something to do and the same worked for the other part. It was a bit hard to understand what each of the tunes on his head meant, so he couldn’t even tell what their time zone was.

An odd yet familiar rhythm plays on his head and he knows he should avoid playing starting from that moment until the next sign is there. He can’t really tell why, but he just goes for it - the wordless agreements and the adjusting he and his soulmate came up with were quite useful. The process was tiring, of course, but it helped make things clean and clear, or at least, as much as they could.

He didn’t avoid contact much longer after reaching out for his soulmate when the latter was in such a bad mood or whatever three years earlier. Even if he really had tried to, it wouldn’t have worked, since his soulmate decided to reach out quite often after that.

Whoever they were, they probably thought at first that Jeno was severely depressed, considering the kind of music he’d listen to. Jeno couldn’t keep track of how many times in a row he would play “My Immortal” even when in a good mood. They tried cheering Jeno up even if he didn’t think he needed to.

It was when Jeno was heavily scolded at school and by his parents about something minor, and he just didn’t want to listen to anything at all, that he would play anything in order to interrupt any sounds on the other side of the line until it got quiet. Just interrupt, so, as soon as he heard a melody, he played something aggressive very loudly just to make the other stop.

Before, he’d never try to get in touch, even if the songs would distract him. But then, at that time, he was so angry that he couldn’t do anything but rebel against everything again.

The other side, however, took the silence as a sign and slowly tried to make Jeno loosen up. Jeno at first was too angry at the insistence, but at a certain point, having someone trying so hard to connect with him really touched him. They came up with some signs for “stop”, “busy” and “clear”, at least that’s what they meant for Jeno. He and the other person never officially agreed with them, but it wasn’t like there was a way to confirm things in the first place.

Even if he’s still thinking that life isn't really fair and that he should be the one to choose who he connects with, he can’t deny how familiar he’s become with the whole arrangement. Even if he and his soulmate were meant to be together, it wasn’t written in the stars how it should be. If they’d turn out to be friends, lovers or even meet, it was for him to decide. He couldn’t avoid their connection, but he’d rather not making the other person’s presence more than that.

He’s still not a big fan of the whole soulmate thing and always thought that, if fate was a person, he would make them eat their own teeth. But it could be worse. Since the beginning, his soulmate has shown great dedication to making their coexistence work, and Jeno would be lying if he claimed the small gestures never got to him and made him grow fonder, ever so slowly..

When Jeno starts having his dinner, the other side signals “clear” and proceeds to play generic pop songs that Jeno knew from the radio and was too familiar with by now. 

He finishes his dinner, excuses himself, washes the dishes he used, and heads to his bedroom. Once he gets there, he scrolls through his social media until he feels sleepy. 

An idea pops in his head. 

Along with the “stop” and “busy” tunes, he decides to search for a sleeping lullaby for babies on youtube and plays right after them. Now both of them had a way to communicate when they’d go to sleep. And in the days following, they do.

Jeno learns very quickly that whoever is on the other side of the line, is also on the other side of the world.

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jeno, 19 years old

It can’t be said that Jeno now, at 19, has never fallen in love. It can’t be said, either, that he suffered from many heartbreaks.

He’d mostly caused them. Not on purpose, of course.

He is the sweetest guy ever, always hard-working, and has the best grades from his classes. He’s handsome and funny. He has every “dream guy” aspect, but he couldn’t really fall for anyone as deeply as anyone else would.

Guys, girls... he’s really tried opening himself for love lots of times, and to a certain extent, he thinks he almost succeeded, but meeting people’s expectations for feelings ended up being harder than anything he’s ever done.

When he says he’s probably been in love, he means that he’d felt excited to see someone, or that he really liked spending time with his flings- people he’d really chosen to be with. He wondered sometimes if he felt good sharing kisses and touches with other people, even strangers, just because he was fond of them or just because he felt free from fate.

However, more than falling for someone, he lost count of how many people said to have fallen for him. It should have felt nice, should have boosted his ego, but instead, it only made him miserable to see people he cared about crying because he couldn’t reciprocate their feelings. Maybe he could if he was given more time, but he couldn’t promise anything for sure. 

Sometimes, when getting home from these events, even if he wanted to be alone, his soulmate would get in touch somehow. Even without him playing anything and being in pure silence organizing his thoughts, at some point it was as if they felt Jeno needed to be around someone. 

When Jeno felt he wanted to be alone, his soulmate knew he needed company. When Jeno thought he needed space, his soulmate knew he craved warmth.

He struggles to find a word to describe how conflicted he feels, being comforted by someone fate gave him, by the person he wanted to escape from so badly. And he feels even more confused when he just starts accepting the care in sweet lullabies and slow ballads. 

𝄥𝄞────────── 𝄇

Jeno, 21 years old.

How many times had Jeno wanted to go back to Korea? 

Looking through the airplane window now, he sees nothing but clouds and city lights and it scares the life out of him now that he’s going back to the place he left 12 years ago.

He’d wished he had to leave. He’d refused to accept he was starting over. For Jeno, there was nothing waiting for him in the US. Everything he cared about was back in Seoul, at his school, in his “old neighborhood”, and especially Jaemin.

He smiles at the blurry memories of his childhood best friend, the very reason why he hated the idea of having a soulmate in the first place.

His cheeks are starting to hurt from his fond smile. He was such a silly child, and such a rebellious teen. He remembers feeling jealous of how Jaemin talked about his soulmate, also remembers about the word “heartmate” slipping through his lips when he was 10. It makes him cringe a little, but he ends up nodding to himself. It was cute. A bit cringy, but cute. And true.

He hadn’t thought of Jaemin in a while, until he’d made the decision to go back. His old house was too big for him to be alone, so he’d declined the idea to stay there- it would be too much trouble to keep it clean and tidy the way he liked it. And most of all, he felt like he should be looking forward to starting things anew.

A rush of sweet memories comes to him when he remembers Jaemin’s plushie.

He clicks his tongue, and sighs. It’s probably dumb that he’s still carrying the keychains and plushie in one of his luggages, just in case he finds Jaemin again.

The same way he left the country, there was no guarantee Jaemin was still in the same country, let alone in the same city.

And, to be honest, Jeno doesn’t know if he wants to meet him again. It’s been a long while, and even Jeno’s life had moved on, as reluctant as he may be for it to- but even though he’s met new people, made new friends he’s grateful for, Jaemin never really left his heart.

12 years later, even now, “heartmates” doesn’t sound so wrong after all.

He might not have thought of Jaemin much in the years gone by, but he was definitely a huge part of Jeno’s life, even from afar. The idea of Jaemin not remembering him would sting a little and even hurt. 

He sighs and shrugs. This move back was more than just about Jaemin. He had to live and work here from now on, he really hopes that his gut feeling when he accepted the job offer on this other side of the world would mean something good.

There’s nobody waiting for him at arrivals and it’s late-night, so he just grabs his things in the baggage reclaim area and gets on a cab. He rattles off the hotel address and spends the next few dizzy minutes texting to tell his parents and friends he arrived and was safe and sound. By the time he’s done, his eyes are itching and his body is heavy, and his head pounds, heartbeat pulsating on his forehead,  when the radio starts playing a soft song. 

He frowns, “Excuse me, sir, but could you please turn it off?” 

“The air conditioning? Sure, feel free to open the windows, son!”

Jeno closes his eyes and massages his temples, he wonders if he’d packed a painkiller in his carry-on. 

“No, I meant the radio, can you turn it down please?”

“Son, I didn’t even turn the radio on.”

Jeno’s eyes shoot open as the driver chuckles “My wife is already sleeping, so I don’t turn on the radio after eleven so it doesn’t wake her up.”

The driver’s wife? Possibly his soulmate then? Jeno’s eyes dart to the dark radio to confirm this for himself-  the music is so clear, he could hear the lyrics, it was a Korean song, for sure. The lyrics were Korean. Surely it wasn’t coming from his soulmate, right? This has never happened before.

He remains quiet for the rest of the ride, wide awake but exhausted, checks-in at the hotel he’s staying at and goes up to his room. 

As soon as he sees the bed he takes his phone out of his pocket to play his ‘busy tunes’ to stop the music from the other side. He’s almost positive that it was something related to his soulmate, but he can’t be sure- sometimes he’d get so obsessed with a song that he’d repeat it in his head over and over again, not unlike how it sounds to him right now.

He can’t bring himself to find the tune, his vision is doubling from the engulfing exhaustion. He falls asleep with his phone in hand and a single shoe still on.“Tomorrow”, he mumbles to himself, before drifting off.

“ Nanananananana electric! Nanananananana electric e‑e-e-electric shock! "

Jeno’s heart almost jumps out of his chest and he chokes before falling from the bed with a thud.

“What in the world is this?” he asks himself, still trying to catch his breath as the song stops abruptly.

This sure was a rather interesting way of waking up. He laughs a little incredulously, before noticing that his room was now light from the sun streaking through the windows.

He rubs his eyes and yawns, body sore from the hours he spent on the plane.

He drags himself to the bathroom to brush his teeth when he remembers the sudden noise that woke him up. The sound was full-bodied, clear, it was almost like Jeno was playing it himself. He hadn’t set any music or asked for the wake up service.

His eyes widen when he realises this crazy sudden song was the same he has been hearing every single evening, a few hours after his soulmate’s sleeping lullabies. If those signaled the other person going to sleep, it means they have been using that insane song as their alarm. 

Oh .

Now he and his soulmates were in the same time zones, instead of opposites, like it has been for his whole life. It made sense now, that he’d wake up to it instead of listening to it in the evening. 

“OH,”

The song he listened to on the car radio yesterday was definitely Korean. And he’d been able to hear the lyrics as well, a surprise that his exhausted brain was unable to process. But now- does this mean he’s close to the person he’s been telepathically connected with for all those years?

He splashes some water on his face and finishes brushing his teeth and sits back on the bed, the sheets are barely undone from him not getting under them before falling asleep the night before.

He returns to the barely ruffled bed after freshening up, “I’d like to think I’m not crazy,” he says aloud. He pulls his laptop out of his backpack, turns it on and pulls up a tab.

“Hello, it's me” the soft piano chords of Adele come out from his laptop speakers and he cringes. “Am I really doing this?”

He mutes the song just to make sure he plays the specific lyrics as he reads along. 

“Hello, can you hear me?”

He stops the video and waits, legs bouncing restlessly as he does. 

He’s not even sure what he’s expecting. It’s not a bad kind of feeling, but it’s the first time he’s attempting to communicate with words.

It’s anticipation, he decides, and curiosity, and maybe a bit of excitement.

His stomach decides for him that time sitting here and waiting would be better spent grabbing something to eat. It's been a couple of minutes since he played the song, and he assumes that whoever heard it either didn’t hear the words or is too busy to do anything back. 

But as he reaches for the door handle to leave, he hears “ Hello, hello, you beautiful thing” .

“Oh my god.”

He’s never shoveled breakfast down so quickly in his whole life. He knows from the way music usually fills their Sundays that his soulmate is usually free, but now, even with time and distance at their advantage, finding lyrics to convey what he wants to say is difficult, and is way too much work. 

As much as he wanted to talk to the other person, they didn't even know where the other person was, their names, or anything useful. It worked just fine not meeting all these years, but Jeno can’t help but feel frustrated.

He plays a line from the second High School Musical movie that sang “gotta go” and pauses before the actress keeps on singing. It’s weird and he definitely knows more songs with those words, but it’ll have to do for now. 

He stretches and feels his back crack and he winces- how long did he spend doing absolutely nothing? He takes a quick glance at the window and it’s already dark.

The clock finally catches his eye and Jeno rubs his eyes to make sure he’s seeing this right: it’s nearly 7 PM. He just skipped lunch and didn’t even notice. It would be a good idea to leave the hotel a little, then, wouldn’t it? He’s back after so many years to the same town he used to live in and he’s yet to be on the streets. He still has 2 weeks until he starts working at his new company, there’s enough time for him to walk around town on the following days. For now he decides to only wander around the neighborhood.

He’s nowhere near rested but leaves his room after a quick shower. The cold air hits his face softly as he walks by the street. He’s not very familiar with this part of the city and as far as his memory goes, and his old house is a couple of minutes away by car. He passes by fancy stores, a movie theater, and lots of couples with interlocked arms, some ladies with children, nothing very different from what he thought the neighborhood his company’s at would be.

He knows it’s near dinner time but he really wanted to walk around more before going back to the hotel. He passes by a coffee shop and decides something to drink would be nice, he has time to kill anyway.The menu only has regular green and black tea, which is very disappointing, but Jeno orders one when it is his turn anyway.  He gives his name at the cashier and waits for his drink, idly strolling through his phone in the meantime. Jeno feels he’s being stared at but tries to brush it off.

He raises his head when he hears the barista call his name, and his eyes meet another- the same gaze that made his skin burn. 

He feels his heart beat stop before exploding inside his chest. All the air he has is knocked out of his lungs and his head spins. His insides start bubbling and his stomach is suddenly cold.

The pink-haired young man holding his gaze gulps and opens his mouth a couple of times without saying anything.

“Jeno,” the barista calls again before leaving the beverage on the counter.

The pair of eyes don’t leave him for a second, and even if he’s sure, the astonishment on his voice makes the name sound like a question.

“Jaemin?”

“Jeno.” The other voice whispers “is this r-” he interrupts himself “Are you- Why are- Since when??!” 

Jeno doesn’t want to answer any of those questions, he just really wants to hug Jaemin until they’re kicked out of the cafe. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t do it. He’s just terribly frozen on the spot, feeling warmer than ever before. 

How can he even think with his heartbeat so damn loud in his ears?

“I…” he starts saying but Jaemin grabs his tea on the counter and his hand, going out of the establishment.

“Did you order anything?” Jeno fumbles.

He hears Jaemin’s name being called, but the younger just ignores it  holds him tight.

It feels like that hug over a decade ago and buries his face in the crook of Jaemin’s neck, holding him back.

“I think I did, but who cares?” Jaemin giggles and Jeno’s grin stretches ever wider.

“Oh, so you got transferred?”

“Not quite.”

Jeno sips on his tea as he answers, “I was about to be promoted, was going to stay in America forever, I guess, but then another company gave me another offer, same position, almost the same salary, except I’d have to move back here.”

Jaemin hums and takes his eyes from the street to Jeno’s face, “Then why did you come? I mean, if the salary was almost the same for you to do the same thing, wouldn’t it be too much trouble to leave your friends and family behind?”

“Don’t laugh,” Jeno narrows his eyes at Jaemin, who raises both hands in joking surrender, “I’d never.”

Jeno sighs, “Gut feeling.”

Jaemin doesn’t laugh, but he does raise an eyebrow. 

“It’s just… I never intended on going there. It was great for me, I have to admit. I grew a lot as a person considering how my life was here and I had the chance to experience lots of things I don’t think I would have if I stayed here, but…”

Jaemin waits for Jeno to keep going, “I made friends and I won’t lie and say I wasn’t happy there. I managed to find my happiness in lots of things-” He takes a sip of his tea again, to ease the scratchiness on his throat, “-but something in me said I should come. I should come to trail my way in different paths, you know? That I should try to pursue my dreams the way I wanted, somewhere I wanted. And when this opportunity came, I took it.”

“This is almost like life is working to make you happy,” Jaemin says with a smile. 

Jeno’ scrunches his nose, “I don’t know if life would bother. Honestly, I know now that some things I wanted weren’t great for me, and others that I didn’t want, ended up making me grow. I’ve been running from everything fate has given me like the devil, though.”

“Somehow I think you might be talking about something very specific…” Jaemin says walking along Jeno, their steps in sync.

“You can say the word ‘soulmate’, Jaemin, it’s fine.” Jeno’s chuckle leaves a bitter taste on his tongue. If Jaemin noticed, he doesn’t say anything about it.

“If that’s what you’re talking about, yeah, I didn’t react very well to it when I turned 12.”

Jaemin sighs and smiles apologetically, “I thought you wouldn't. How's it now?”

Jeno opens his mouth to reply, but closes again. He shrugs “I just said I run from these things, I don’t think there’s a lot to talk about.” Jaemin seems to accept that answer and just nods in response.

“What about you, Nana? I mean, Jaemin. Jaemin” Jeno corrects himself in a low voice and Jaemin laughs wholeheartedly.

“It’s okay, you can call me Nana, Jeno. If I can call you Nono too,” He tilts his head, a fond smile spread on his lips. When Jeno’s eyes disappear in a smile, Jaemin's smile grows even wider, “I’m good! I finished uni and work as a professional photographer, have my own studio and some employees, nothing big - we mostly work together better than being a real boss. Renjun works with me too, remember him?” 

Jeno searches in memory until he finds a short Chinese transferee who studied with them in second grade, so he nods.

“That’s basically it- I have a stable job, have few close friends, and my own apartment. By the way, you said you just got here last night. Where are you staying?” Jeno barely gets in the name of his hotel before Jaemin proceeds with “If you haven't found a place to stay for good yet, I can go apartment hunting with you! I know a few places and we can search for something near your company. What do you say?”

He’s gesturing a lot, his excitement flowing through his limbs, reacting honestly to everything they talked about. It makes Jeno’s heart flutter, to see how dear Jaemin holds him even after all those years. 

“I’d love that.”

When Jeno gets to his room, all bright and giggly, it’s almost like magic how music starts playing inside his head. Oh, his soulmate.

Jeno can’t believe he forgot about their existence the whole day. He sighs, a little frustrated to remember their presence. It’s not their fault, of course, it isn’t, but why did he feel so annoyed? He was just feeling fine and even spent the whole day trying to communicate with them, but why now then? He remembers when Jaemin brought the soulmate subject before and how he didn’t insist on it, after hearing that Jeno was still avoiding it.

It felt weird that Jaemin, of all people, was not talking about his soulmate. Maybe he didn’t have one? Maybe he did and they were dating? Nah, Jaemin would have said it to him, right? He told him about his job and friends, even more, when he dropped Jeno at his hotel. He talked about his family, about who got married or had a baby. He would have mentioned his soulmate if he had one, wouldn’t he?

Or maybe he was just thoughtful enough to avoid the subject after seeing that Jeno didn’t want to talk about his own soulmate.

The music in his head keeps playing as he steps into the shower, the spray of the shower makes it hard to pay attention to the lyrics, but since the songs are being fully played, he can only assume his soulmate is in a good mood and, to be honest, Jeno can empathise- He’s in a great mood too.

He just saw Jaemin after so long, they walked around town for hours talking and they hugged. Of course, Jeno wanted to hug Jaemin more, especially when they were about to part ways, but he thought it would maybe be too much, so he just held it in and waved instead. 

He’s in a good mood. 

He lets all the songs play as the other side wishes until he hears the goodnight lullaby and falls asleep.

The next day, he wakes up at 7 o’clock even without an alarm clock. I mean, who needs those when he has f(x) blasting in his brain first thing in the morning? He sure doesn’t. Is there a song out there that he could play that said “please, I beg you, change the song you use as an alarm, it was bad enough to be startled during the afternoon but to wake up to this is even worse”? No? He thought so.

He agreed to meet Jaemin at 8:30 in front of his hotel to grab coffee together so Jaemin could take him round to a couple of flats, based on his company address. 

Jeno is always starving as soon as he wakes up, so it kills him a little inside to decline the hotel breakfast. It doesn’t bother him for long, once he sees Jaemin’s pink hair from a distance, immediately waving at him. His stomach flips.

“Hey,” Jaemin giggles when he gets close enough to talk to Jeno. Close enough for Jeno to feel his body tingle with the other’s warmth, even if they weren’t touching.

“I didn’t ask, but you’re free the whole day, right?”, Jeno looks at the pearly wide smile Jaemin is giving him and nods happily.

“Cool, I’m free until 5, then I have to go to the studio. We can have breakfast and lunch together, what do you think?” 

Jeno’s cheeks hurt from smiling, “Sounds great.”

Jaemin smiles back and heads to a car. Jeno follows suit, noticing how different Jaemin’s figure is from what he had in memory, eyes going from his broad shoulders to his long fingers.  

Jeno’s eyes dart back and forth as Jaemin talks, looking at his eyes, his hands when they are on the wheel, the buildings outside, Jaemin’s gestures, how he pushes his hair back. Looking at Jaemin’s hands- one on the wheel and the other on his own lap, Jeno’s hand feels kind of empty, so he reaches for his cellphone, fidgeting with it. He almost fails to hold back a whimper, startled that he’d even have to urge to.

Oh, he’s hungry, that’s probably why. It doesn’t explain why he’s staring at Jaemin’s hands, but maybe he’s just struggling to concentrate. It happens when he’s hungry. His stomach makes the last thought very believable when it growls loud enough to make Jeno fluster, joining Jaemin’s laughter awkwardly.

“Don’t worry,” he says, parking the car a street before a small cafe, “I know we could have gone to the same place we met last night, but this one really is my favorite it’s never crowded and-” he turns off the ignition, “-they have tons of different types of tea, I don’t know what kind of tea you like but  I’m sure you’ll find something here.”

Jeno gets out of the car laughing, shaking his head, “I hope they have good sandwiches, I gave up a whole hotel breakfast today. Even the best tea won’t stop me from passing out if I don’t have a proper meal.”

Jaemin gives him a small smile “Trust me, you’ll love everything you taste”.

After ordering a very suspicious Americano, a Jasmine green tea and a couple of sandwiches, Jaemin takes out his laptop and starts showing Jeno some of the apartments  that Jeno might take a liking to. Jeno listens carefully to Jaemin’s tips while he talks about each neighborhood's facilities and access to other parts of the city and takes the initiative to plan their day around the few apartments Jeno chose, promising to hang out at the end of it all.

The food arrives and Jeno is quick to reach for the sandwiches. Jaemin doesn’t tend to eat much in the morning,  even when they were younger, Jaemin would decline the cereals and breakfast in general and only eat a tangerine, eating normally at lunch. Some things don’t really change, he thinks to himself. 

The way Jaemin laughs, how he throws his head back and slaps his own leg repetitively didn’t change either, it’s still just as endearing even though the unholy liquid Jaemin dares call “coffee”murdered his taste buds. Like a fool, Jeno laughs along.

“Oh!” Jaemin stops laughing, and smiles, his eyes shining, “You still do this thing!” he points at Jeno as a whole, talking in pout and Jeno feels his chest tightening.

“What thing, what thing?” He opens his eyes wide, which makes Jaemin laugh again. 

“You still scrunch your nose and shrug your shoulders when you laugh for real!” Jaemin leans back in his chair “Your smile has always been adorable, but I wasn’t sure if you still did the whole Jeno combo!” He sighs and smiles, “I’m glad you do.”

Jeno feels his heart beating fast and his face burn. Jaemin’s drink had more caffeine than he’s used to in a whole week, so he sips on his tea. “You didn’t change much either. Like when you’re laughing, you still hit your legs and I’m so sure that if I wasn’t across this table, you’d be hitting me instead.” 

“Then it’s good that you brought that up!” Jaemin says, leaning forward to the table smiling, never losing sight of Jeno’s eyes, “Because I’m still very touchy and-” he pauses a bit to try reading Jeno’s expression “-correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem to be too? I mean, you keep looking at my hands, and at first I thought there was something wrong with it, but… You know, you can hold it, Nono, if you want to.”

Jeno feels his face burning up and lips dry, still, he can’t stop looking at Jaemin’s dark and gentle eyes. How could such a warm look be so piercing? 

He doesn’t say anything before Jaemin starts speaking again.

“You don’t have to do it just because I mentioned it, okay?” Jaemin’s eyes finally leave him to look around, embarrassed. He drops his gaze to his hand and holds his coffee, without looking up. Oh, no. No no no, he shouldn’t feel embarrassed for being actually good at reading Jeno. 

“I do!” he blurts, blushing, he clenches his jaw and cleans his palms on his jeans before he reaches for Jaemin’s free hand. Jaemin is startled by the sudden raise in Jeno's voice but he chuckles when he sees the look on the other’s face.

“You do?” the pink haired one asks teasingly, but he can’t keep the tone up when Jeno nods vehemently, looking him in the eye. “Good, I want that too” Jaemin smiles and mouths a “phew” swiping imaginary sweat from his forehead.

The conversation never stops even as Jaemin drives them to the first two apartments and shows Jeno about new parts in town that have changed over the years. They talk about things that changed at school when Jeno moved and how Jeno adapted to life in the US. 

Jeno’s enjoying their back and forth so much that he asks to leave the last two apartments for tomorrow, even though they had plenty of time in the afternoon, he doesn’t hesitate to admit that he’d rather spend time with Jaemin, hanging out for the rest of the day and again on the next. It might be a trick of the light, but Jaemin grows just a bit pink,  the thought of Jaemin blushing makes his heart flutter but he brushes it off. 

When they’re done with lunch, Jeno suggests going for a walk next to their old school and Jaemin quickly agrees, saying he was thinking about suggesting the same thing. They park the car near the school, and walk side by side, Jeno doesn’t hold the other’s hand right away like he wants to, but it makes his heart thud harder when their hands brush against each other while walking.

Most of the walk is silent and comfortable. Jeno at first gets a little worried about running out of subjects, but soon stops when he sees Jaemin’s shoulders relaxed and the other smiling the whole time. It’s how he remembers it, except that when they were kids, Jeno’s adoration and love towards Jaemin felt very different- It used to be warm and cozy. Now it feels almost like a fizzle, his heart hasn’t given him a break since earlier this morning. 

When it’s almost time for Jaemin to go, Jeno insists on taking the subway to start getting familiar with it. He doesn’t notice he’s smiling until he sees his reflection on the subway doors, and it sounds like his soulmate is having a great time too, because “Walking On Sunshine” starts playing in his head and he couldn’t agree more.

“You bet I am”, he murmurs to himself, not minding anyone looking at him as he vibes to the song and starts lip syncing.

Jeno sighs with relief when he wakes up to a calm generic tune at 6:58 and prepares himself for “Electric Shock” playing as soon as the clock hits 7 sharp. He really doesn’t need to be awake at that time in the morning, but he decides on taking time to do something else. He’s not sure if Jaemin is going to stop anywhere for them to grab breakfast, but since Jaemin doesn’t eat in the morning, he eats something from the hotel, so they could simply get their drinks to take away.

Jaemin didn’t tell him what time he was showing up, since Jeno practically jumped out of his car yesterday at his insistence of taking the subway, so he just waits at the same place at the same time. He’s confused when Jaemin shows up dressed in Adidas sweatpants, the same poisonous coffee for him and a Honey Green Tea for Jeno in hand. 

“You still like cycling?” He wiggles his eyebrows, grinning playfully. Jeno throws his head back in a heartfelt laughter when Jaemin starts a silly dance he used to do when they were younger.

Jaemin makes Jeno change into more comfortable clothes and drives to a bike rental lane,  shifting plans to visit the apartments by bike. Jeno can’t help but feel adoration swallow his heart whole and he blames the exercise for the fast heartbeats. 

They don’t talk much, since Jaemin seems to be having a hard time breathing, even though he was  the one to suggest biking in the first place. Jeno tries checking on him a couple of times but Jaemin refuses to stop (later on he confesses that if he stopped he wouldn’t be able to move again).

The neighbourhood near the 3rd flat is beautiful, Jeno feels refreshed just biking on the beautiful lanes and he’s pleasantly surprised by how much he likes this apartment. He tells Jaemin and he doesn’t understand why the other looked so cheerful, and when he asks, Jaemin insists on withholding it till later.

When they visit the last apartment, Jeno is sure he liked the third one better. The facilities are better, the apartment itself has better circulation and natural lighting. It’s a bit more expensive but he can definitely afford it. Jaemin waits for him to tell all the reasons why it’s better and only then does he reveal, “My studio and home are in the same neighborhood,” biting his bottom lip as he smiles and Jeno punches the air to celebrate.  Jaemin repeats his little strange celebratory dance at the idea that they’ll be able to live close to each other again.

“Hey, we should go grab some lunch near the studio. Renjun wants to see you!” Jaemin says as they hop back on their bikes.

“You told him I was here?” Jeno tilts his head, Jaemin just looks at him with an incredulous expression.

“Of course I did. I told everyone, even my parents.” He smiles when Jeno makes a sound of confusion,  “My mom wants me to take you home for dinner, but I told her to wait until you’re all settled first. I would tell you ‘you don’t have to go’, but you kind of do or she’ll keep nagging.”

Jeno remains silent at the invitation while Jaemin grunts about how his butt ached and  how he'd need three business days to recover, refusing to touch a bike ever again after they reached his studio.

When they enter the small building, he recognizes Renjun right away. They share a quick (albeit a little awkward) hug and all head to the nearest restaurant, where the three of them talk for hours.

“No, because you really had to see how heartbroken Jaemin was when you left,” Renjun says.

“HEY HEY HEY Why would you even say that?!” Jaemin says with his eyebrows furrowed and mouth full.

“Maybe because it’s true?” Renjun turns to Jeno “He had this pout on all the time. He didn’t come to class for a few  days. People thought he had gone with you and forgot to tell.” he closes his eyes shut and curls his hands into fists, “It was so sad but it was also so cute-”

“Enough of me and how sad it was” Jaemin scolds Renjun with a pout, “My best friend left and I couldn’t get in touch with him at all. My parents said that Jeno’s asked to not get in touch” he turns to Jeno apologetically, “so it’d be easier for you to adapt without anything holding you back.”

“Yeah, my parents said I should be giving myself some time and insisted on it for a long, long time.” Jeno says, pressing his lips on a thin line, “after a few years they convinced me you wouldn’t remember me or, if you did, you would be mad for me not reaching out. I think they just didn’t want me to have anything to do with here.”

“I wouldn’t forget about you,” Jaemin says firmly, holding Jeno’s eyes on his “I actually waited for you to get in touch with me via facebook or Instagram for years,” he laughs, “I thought that after a while you just had made new and cooler friends and didn’t need me anymore.”

“I always-” Jeno starts but is interrupted by Renjun’s cell phone ringing and him excusing himself to pick it up. The  air between them thickens. Neither of them say anything until Renjun comes back to the table. 

They’d talked about everything surrounding them for the past 12 years, Jeno knows about Jaemin’s life in uni, how he decided to open a studio, about his friends and family. Jaemin caught up with Jeno’s lifestyle in America, the people he met and why he was back, but not about how both of them felt 12 years ago. 

When they’re done with the meal, Jeno announces he’d better leave and that on the following day he had some stuff to take care of now that he’s done finding a place. Renjun says it’s early but Jaemin agrees and says he made Jeno exercise, so he must be just as tired as he is. He also insists on taking Jeno to his hotel, which Jeno declines, since Jaemin reminds him that he had left his car near the bike lanes. 

They walk the bikes at Jaemin’s determination to never ride on ever again,  until they get to the lane and Jaemin finds his car, that is when he insists on taking Jeno to the hotel.

And as he’s getting out of the car, he asks Jaemin to park and come up to his room with him, rolling his eyes when e Jaemin’s cheeks bloom a dark shade of red. “Come on, I just remembered something”, Jaemin laughs nervously and nods, following Jeno to the 6th floor.

“Hold on a second,” he says and Jaemin  waits  before Jeno beckons him in, not wanting Jaemin to feel too uneasy waiting in the hallway. His room just has a huge bed, a balcony and a door that leads to a bathroom. There’s a bedside table with a fake plant and a TV hanging on the wall. Jeno is on the floor, searching for something in his luggage, almost everything still packed.

He moves to the big suitcase and with a triumphant  “Ah-hah!” he finds what he’s been looking for. He hides whatever he found behind his back and moves towards Jaemin, holding it at eye-level.

His plushie.

Jeno doesn’t meet Jaemin’s eyes,  he keeps them fixed on the bunny he remembers to hold on to every single night after he left. He feels the other’s gaze burning into his face even as it darts back and forth, between the rabbit and his face.

“I know I didn’t get in touch even after I could, I was a little scared- No, not a little. Very scared.” He corrects himself. “I went away but you stayed. You were here with the same people, same friends, same school. I thought it would be easy for you to forget about me.” 

He hands the plushie to Jaemin, who slowly reaches out to hold it. “But I couldn’t forget about you. Even a decade later, I hoped I could find you to at least, give the bunny back to you”

“You went away, and I stayed, and that’s why I couldn’t just forget about you,” Jaemin says, his voice deeper than usual, his head hanging low, caressing the bunny.

“The same friends we used to study with, the same parks we used to play at, the same manga you used to read during the sleepovers… I lived each of these things on the daily and remembered you when I did.” He smiles, Jeno finally turns his gaze to his face, as if he wouldn’t understand if he didn’t read the shape of his lips while Jaemin spoke.

“It’s kind of dumb, maybe, but the first person I thought about talking about my soulmate was you, the person who didn’t care about it at all, especially after what you told me when we said goodbye.” He meets Jeno’s eyes, the air feels dense again.

Jeno feels his heart racing, and his body moves before he thinks.

In one second, his lips are inches from Jaemin’s. In the other, he doesn’t feel the warmth coming from the body in front of him anymore.

“Jeno…” Jaemin is pale, his shoulders clearly stiff and he’s a few steps away from Jeno, who just lowers his head and forces out a smile.

“I think I fucked it up, didn’t I?” He sounds odd, probably because of the sudden lump on his throat and the heat up his face. “I found my best friend after so many years, now that I get to talk about how I felt before and make sure I try to get closer, I fall for him in the span of 2 days.”

Jaemin’s body stiffens as soon as Jeno’s words reach his ears , “You… Fell for me?”

“Oh.” he pauses. “I… didn’t mean to say that out loud-” He brings his hand to his face but doesn’t even know what to do with them, he doesn’t dare look Jaemin in the eyes, his gaze wanders, to the walls, the floor… the simplicity of the room doesn’t help

“But I guess that would explain why I feel so damn giddy all the time, wanting to hold your hand, or why I’m not bothered when my soulmate starts playing songs on my head as soon as I’m alone.”

Jeno meets Jaemin’s eyes for the first time and he’s not sure of how to interpret the expression on his face. Is he sad, disgusted, regretful?

“I’m sorry” Jeno says, giving one step towards Jaemin “I didn’t bring you here for this. I just wanted to assure you that I kept you dear in my heart and that I wished to meet you again, that was all.” He sighs, feeling his legs about to fail “I can’t lie, though. I thought you’d feel the same way, but that was just me misreading the signs.”

“No, Jeno, I don’t think you misread them-” Jaemin finally says, he steps closer to him at arms length, voice shaky “I’m just… I really like spending time with you and I don’t even know how to explain because it doesn’t make any sense, but-”

“It’s your soulmate, isn’t it?” Jeno looks deep into his eyes and Jaemin surely can feel it burning, exposing his soul bare. Jeno already knew the answer even without him mentioning them. The hurt on his voice is audible, Jaemin opens his mouth and shuts it, unsure of what to say or how to say it, just like when he met Jeno a few days ago.

“I’m…” He pauses, breathes and presses his lips on a line. “We’re starting to communicate somehow. It’s different from what I’ve heard people say, Jeno.”

Jeno scoffs, shaking his head and sits on the edge of the bed. He struggles to keep his head functioning so he can name everything he’s feeling. Is he disappointed? Mad? Sad?

“Jeno… Listen…” Jaemin slowly gets closer to him, like he’s afraid of hurting or startling him, r “I know you said we’re heartmates, but maybe fate…” He gulps trying to find the right words, “-I’m just saying that you could give your soulmate a chance. Maybe you should.” 

He doesn’t get an answer, so he keeps talking. “I can’t put into words what I’m feeling about you, because for a second… for a while, actually, I just forgot that there’s someone on the other side that shares a piece of my soul, and I’m not saying I’m in love with them… but with our relationship. I felt our connection for a long time now, and it has only grown stronger.”

Jeno nods, nothing else. He doesn’t raise his eyes, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t ask any questions. He doesn’t feel anything but the echo of each of Jaemin’s words vibrating on his walls. His heartbeat doesn’t muffle the ring on his ears when Jaemin stops talking, waiting for something, anything.

“I have to go now…” Jaemin says in a low voice “You know where to find me, right?”

Jeno doesn’t reply, he just nods again, his lips pressed again against each other.

And just like that, he’s alone.

Jeno spends the following days getting in touch with the apartment owner and moving there, buying furniture and settling in with everything he needs. Groceries, new clothes, even a guitar that looked nice, a pastime he hasn’t touched for years now. He starts decorating his house little by little and as days pass.

He starts work at his new company. He’s glad for following his guts, finding the new workplace much more enjoyable than the previous one. His colleagues are very welcoming and they take him out to meet new places a few times in the span of two weeks. He asks about the café he’s gone to with Jaemin, just because he misses the jasmine tea. Every time he remembers Jaemin, he’s thankful for not exchanging numbers. He’s not avoiding him, but he doesn’t know where to start and if he should apologize and for what for, exactly.

His soulmate is awfully quiet. The goodnight lullabies are gone. The only sounds he hears are the morning alarms and sometimes background music. He doesn’t really know why and is not that curious to find out, but he does worry.

It’s Sunday and Jeno doesn’t have to work. He doesn’t feel like meeting anyone and Jaemin’s words come up to his head again.

“You could give them a chance”.

He could. He could meet them, look them in the eye and be sure that fate doesn’t know better than him. He could address a face to that giggly music taste and ask, no, beg them to use a different song as their alarm. He could meet and face them once for all instead of feeling he’s being haunted by choices he never even made.

He thinks it’s dumb to do it, but it worths the try. The Youtube tab is open and the presses play.

“Hello. It’s me. 

I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

To go over everything”

He pauses and changes tabs, setting the exact second of “Somewhere only We Know”.

“This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go?”

The other side remains quiet. Jeno sighs, defeated. 

Now his soulmate, who probably knows by now how much of a hard person he could be, might be mad or offended by it. Maybe they’re just not feeling fine lately, since they’re not listening to anything.

Not much longer, Jeno listens to the subway background music playing inside his head, followed by the same subway announcement he heard earlier and his breath hitches, he’s hit by nausea.

His soulmate plays the same “ This could be the end of everything ”, and his stomach flips to know the person on the other side also didn’t have expectations (hopefully).

“It’s okay”, he breathes, trying to focus on the subway music playing quietly. Luckily, it's the nearest station, but this also means they’re way closer than he thought they would be. Maybe they’ve already met? Brushed past each other? He feels his palms sweating a little.

Jeno doesn’t bother brushing or checking his hair, he grabs the first clothes he can find and throws them on. He doesn’t know how much time he has before the person leaves.

The station is only a few blocks away from his apartment, so Jeno runs, the only thing on his mind is “I’m trying, I’m going to try. I’m giving it a chance”

He rushes down the stairs, the station not as full as on weekdays but there’s still with enough people to frazzle him. How in the world is he going to find a person whose face he’s never seen?

He rakes through his hair with his fingers and listens to the background music coming out the speakers. The other person must know he’s there, so he waits. It’s all he can do.

The trains come and go, less and less people crowd the station as the masses have all gone home. He stands there for hours, he waits, till the clock strikes 8 and there are only a few people on the platform.

None of them seem to be looking for someone.

His eyes comb through what's left of the people in the station when, across the station where the trains run the opposite way, he finds Jaemin sitting between the running train tracks, searching both sides of his platform, eyeing the stairs and escalators.

Jeno blinks a couple of times.

It can’t be.

He’s sure the pink haired man hasn’t seen him yet, so he takes his earphones out of his jeans, plugs them on his phone and plays the same song he’s had on his mind for the whole day.

His heart skips a beat when he notices Jaemin getting startled by the sudden sound.

He shouts his name loud enough for Jaemin to notice him. The moment Jaemin lays his eyes on Jeno his face lights up, but when he notices the earphones on Jeno’s ear, Jaemin freezes before rushing to run up  the stairs and Jeno does the same.

They meet before the entrance gate, both of them short of breath, but Jeno knows this time why his heart is beating so fast. Jaemin’s looking at him so closely, at every detail of his face

“What are you listening to?”

Jeno silently takes out one side of his earphones and offers Jaemin.

He doesn’t need to look at Jaemin’s teary eyes to get the confirmation once the song inside his head and the one coming from the earphone are in sync. 

Jaemin, his very first love and best friend, was the person he was meant to be with the whole time.

“I know what you’re going to say-” Jaemin sniffles, “Actually, I don’t. I can only assume things at this point, but-” his smile reaches his glassy eyes, making them shinier than ever and Jeno can’t think of a picture, a landscape, anything prettier than him.

“I really want to be with you.” He pauses. “You you. You, Jeno, the person I already knew before.”

“I ran over as soon as I heard you because I couldn’t get in touch with my soulmate and, honestly, I loved the soulmate bonding and relationship, even if it was a little weird,” he laughs, “But the few hours we got to spend together were so much more precious.”

Jaemin reaches for Jeno’s hands this time, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted.”

Jeno interlocks their fingers “So… You’re saying that you rejected me in person for me,your soulmate…” He raises an eyebrow teasingly “And I almost got rejected just now as a soulmate because of me-” 

A weight lands on his lips, and it takes Jeno a beat to realise that it’s Jaemin’s soft ones shushing him sweetly. 

This is indeed the end of everything, but also the start of it.