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“How do you ask a national icon on a date?” Tony asks. Pepper looks up from her paperwork, eyebrow arched.
“Why?” she asks. Tony can see the forms for the Hinlim Project waiting to be signed and pulls a face. Pepper signs them anyway. “Tony, what are you planning?”
“Nothing!” Tony says, affronted. Pepper narrows her eyes. “Okay, fine, I just – well, I’ve been slowly fixing my relationship with Steve and you’ve seen him, right? Aside from being the height of human perfection in looks, he’s actually not bad. Still a little baffled when I bring up certain movies, but he’s learning. And he’s managed to grasp the complicated system that I’ve implemented in the SHIELD database, can hack it easy, and I just –”
Pepper cuts him off. “Love or lust?”
“What?”
“Is this love or lust, Tony?” Pepper points a pen at him, tapping against his nose. Tony bats at her.
“You can’t ask me something like that, Pep. I’m – you know me. I’m not good at that type of thing.” Tony grabs her pen and begins building something out of errant paperclips and staples. He thinks ‘strawberry’ for some reason and starts on the base.
“Well, yes, but you asked about dating, not seducing, so I’ll assume it’s the former.” Tony hears her but chooses not to answer. The probability of this failing is already against him. Pepper yanks at one of the paperclips, sending the entire structure tumbling. Tony glares. “Pay attention. I am imparting wisdom here.”
“No, you’re being unnecessarily cruel and mocking me for my nervous ticks,” Tony says. Pepper rolls her eyes.
“All right, I’ll say this only once, and you should take my advice, you really should, because it’s the only way you’re going to get through this alive and with a possible relationship. Okay?” Pepper scribbles out another signature and Tony leans forward. “This is the secret to asking a national icon out: you just ask him out.”
Tony scrubs a hand through his hair. “No, no it isn’t, because I’ve done the math, I’ve accounted for certain variables, even the errant ones, and all probabilities are sickeningly against me. On the off chance that Steve does say yes, graphs suggest our projected relationship to fail within three weeks.” Tony puts his head on the desk. “Help me, Pepper.”
Pepper sighs. “I’ve helped you, Tony. You just need to put aside your fears and try the odds. Who knows? You might win.”
“You are no help. Why did I fly out here again?”
“Because you needed my infinite wisdom and because you missed me.”
Tony smiles against the desk, poking at a paperclip. “Maybe.”
Of course, Pepper’s advice is sound, but at the same time, Tony can’t configure it to fit into his formula of attack. Every time he goes to ask, Tony’s tongue ties in knots and he’s left staring blankly at Steve like some kind of teenage girl, and he retreats to his lab each time. Steve seems to notice his mood and drags him out for coffee, and Tony wishes it was a real date. He’s still too much of a coward to ask even as Steve goes up to the counter and orders one of his foofy drinks and Tony’s blacker than black coffee. Tony curses Pepper, sends her a text with words like ‘failing’ and ‘infinite wisdom my ass’ and so forth. Pepper replies with a smiley face and Steve places the coffee in front of him and asks about the latest damage the Hulk has managed to inflict on Tony’s poor home. Tony sighs.
The second time, Tony finds a formula that might have marginal success and starts talking about wanting to date again, maybe settle down. Steve shoots him strange looks, instead dragging Tony out for more coffee to talk battle tactics, and then to the movies to catch up on culture references because he’s getting tired of not understanding Tony. Tony indulges him, of course he does, how can he not – but it isn’t what Tony wants. He fights with himself to just take Pepper’s advice and ask, but the more Steve drags Tony out into the real world, the less Tony sees himself as actually being able to have an intimate relationship with Steve. His current relationship with Steve has finally hit ‘friendship’ level, and Tony will cut off his right arm before he fucks that up.
The third and fourth times aren’t even worth mentioning.
Tony stares blankly into his coffee, adjusting it the usual thirty seven degrees when Steve comes into the kitchen, scrubbing a hand through his wet hair. He greets Tony with a kiss on the cheek and goes to the fridge, snagging the Fruit Loops as he passes. Tony grumbles at him, slides the coffee back, and then sits up straight.
“Wait, what?”
Steve blinks over at him from the fridge, jug of milk half way to his mouth. Tony can’t stop staring, feels the tingle from Steve’s kiss still fresh on his skin. He rubs his fingers absently against it and asks again, “What did you just – I’m sorry, what?”
Frowning at him, Steve finishes his drink and starts about getting things ready. He scoops up Tony’s half empty cup of coffee, refills it, and puts it back in front of him, thirty seven degrees from the right, and Tony’s hands are shaking when he reaches for it. Steve catches his fingers, careful, and Tony peers up at him, trying to understand what is happening and where he possibly went wrong in said understanding. Steve examines his hand, brushing over the calluses on the edge of Tony’s palm, and Tony can tell where each scar and bump has come from, could tell Steve right that moment, but Steve smiles at him and Tony’s lost for words.
“You didn’t know?” he asks. Tony blinks.
“Know what? I’m apparently a little slow on the uptake because what just happened shouldn’t have; there are probabilities against this, Steve,” Tony says, looking away from Steve’s bright eyes. Steve clicks his tongue.
“See, I got this fascinating text from Miss Potts a few weeks back,” Steve says, releasing Tony’s hand. He is immediately cold. Tony curls his fingers against his coffee cup and squints at the tiny screen Steve has shoved under his nose.
‘In answer to your question: just ask him out. I’m sure he won’t object.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Trust me, Steve. My wisdom is infinite and my knowledge of Tony Stark unimaginable.’
“And so I did,” Steve says. Tony rereads the texts a few more times, and Steve continues, “You said yes, and I couldn’t believe my luck, but Miss Potts said you would be, as you said, kind of slow on the uptake, so I had to do something drastic to make you realize.”
“Are you saying,” Tony starts, has to look down at his coffee in dazed confusion. “Are you saying that we’ve already been on a date?”
“Nine, actually,” Steve points out, and Tony puts his head on the counter.
“Well, okay then,” Tony says into the marble. His coffee cup is too reflective.
Steve smiles at him, and runs a hand through Tony’s hair. “Can I have breakfast now? And then we can discuss just how bad you are at this dating thing? I mean, it’s been three weeks, Tony. I may be from the forties, but no one should have to wait that long for a kiss. We don’t have to have sex, but a kiss would be great. Do you have any idea –”
Tony lunges, cuts him off, and Steve wisely skips breakfast.
After, when Steve is pressed tight against his back, Tony sends a quickfire text to Pepper, ‘You’re fired. >:(’
Pepper replies just seconds later. ‘You’re welcome. ;)’