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mari always smiled when she thought of sunny.
she didnt understand people who didn't. perhaps it was because she ended up as his mother figure, and she was more proud of him than her own parents were. she was his expectation, her parents constantly burdened sunny and wanted him to be like her. but she stooped lower just for him. often she felt like a trophy on display, she felt like her parents were trying to challenge sunny to get the trophy, but she had always felt like they had locked the glass cupboard she was in. like they only wanted to torment him for not being like mari.
sunny was resilient, creative, and funny. plus, he was caring and adorable. who wouldn't like him? she really didn't understand. maybe it was because he was quiet. but that was okay! he only said what he needed to. he didnt waste his voice on pointless things. and that was fine. he was fine, despite her parents always suggesting he was "sick" or "delayed" or "messed up".
the first time she didnt smile when she thought of sunny was when she realized that she was actually... gone.
that moment of time inbetween her complete transfer to the afterlife. when her whole life flashed before her eyes, everything she had buried resurfacing. all she could do was cry. she knew something was wrong and she could feel it, and while her memories were literally throwing themselves in her face like angry waves, she felt like she couldn't grasp on to anything. like her memories were playing and she was living again, but she couldn't really see them.
until her very death replayed in her mind, and then she couldn't feel anything. she was hollow. she was dead.
and worst of all, sunny had caused it.
even thought it was an accident... who wouldnt feel angry? perhaps it was her fault. if she hadn't spent so much time at that piano, making sunny learn the violin to get closer, then he never would have gotten frustrated at her for pushing him too hard.
and he wouldve 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 pushed her down the stairs.
she looked down at her twisted body. blood was dripping down her head, forming a pool on the shiny floors. she seemed so... different. like it wasn't really her. she felt like she was in denial that she was dead. maybe she was hallucinating. yeah. after all, she just got pushed down the stairs and cracked her head open... it's likely she's going crazy or something.
but deep down she knew that wasn't the case.
she floated closer to her body. she didn't want to examine it. she merely waited at the end of the stairs for sunny, wishing he could see her. she really, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 wished he could see her. but he couldnt. sunny ran down the steps and went right through her.
and in that moment, mari cried. but not because she was dead, and she couldn't come back, but because of how sunny must feel. she felt horrible how she couldnt be there to comfort him or fight for him, to tell him it was okay and that she forgave him.
but no. he'll have to live with this guilt forever and she couldn't say anything. and even if she could, he could never hear her. he could never see her again. sure there's photos, but...
mari let herself go unwound. she sobbed, and screamed, tried to punch herself– her hand just went right through her head– and called out to sunny.
but nothing she did mattered, because all she was was a corpse at the bottom of the stairs.
discussing what basil and sunny had done? shed.. rather not. they were 12, so it was a bit concerning how basil knew how to tie a noose.
———
when she realised just how much she was going to miss, it really hit her like a truck.
she could watch the world like a movie, but what good was it if she couldn't talk? if she couldn't ever interact with the world again? she would miss growing up. would hero find someone else and grow up with them? would he have a family of his own, without her? what would sunny tell her mom? what about basil? she knew so much that nobody else did. she knew she had needed to speak up, but it was too late now. she could never go back. how would sunny grow up without her?
the one thing she knew is that she would watch over all of them. all her friends and sunny's friends. but in doing that, she knew she would witness so many things she didn't want to see.
she watched as her own dad left the family.
she watched as her own mother neglected sunny.
she watched sunny starve and lay in bed all day.
she watched hero lose himself and become horribly depressed.
she watched the rest do the same, some more sad than others. some tried to stay positive, moving on and being happy, knowing that's what she wanted. some never moved on. some tried to get better, but couldn't.
mari wanted everyone to be happy.
she felt this horrible, horrible feeling of guilt in her stomach every time she truly realized she was gone. it'd been her fault. nobody should be sad. they should all forget, after all, she deserved it. she shouldn't have left them. she should've not died, and stood up, and continued. she should've been there for sunny while he was struggling with his violin. he would've never gotten so frustrated if she helped him. actually, she should've never taken up the piano in general.
she felt like she was going crazy. like she needed to point a finger at someone. there had to be someone, something, responsible for her death. it just couldn't be something that was meant to happen. she spent most of those 4 years sunny locked himself away blaming herself for how he felt.
after all, who else was she supposed to blame?
———
often mari would fall into deep spirals of guilt and confusion. shed randomly forget where she was, or wonder if she was just dreaming. what a horrible dream, she would think to herself. and then she would realize when she wakes up she could see sunny again, and do the recital.
she knew she would never wake up again, but she convinced herself that she would. she thought if she said it enough it would come true.
it never did.
sometimes she would convince herself she was still here. like when she would hang out by her gravestone with aubrey, or the occasional sunny or basil. even though they were leaning on the marker of her very departure, she still believed it was all just a fever dream.
someday this would feel like such a long time ago.
except, she would never have a "someday" where she knew it was the end. she would never feel reassurance, or be "let go", or move on to another life. she had to watch other people accomplish what she was supposed to do. she had to watch people crumble because of her, and she couldn't do anything.
her thoughts led around in circles often, a cycle of numbness, shock, guilt, anger, sadness, and disbelief. no matter how fast shed run, she couldnt escape.
even though she was capable, she didnt really leave her house after she passed. she couldn't bear to see hero so upset, but she couldn't do anything about it, and... it was too much.
after a year of being dead, she often felt sunny tugging on her sleeve, and shed turn around with tears in her eyes, so happy that he could see her— only to find nobody. she could hear hero's laughter in every room she entered.
sometimes she'd have to curl up in the corner of a room and squeeze her eyes shut to stop seeing basil and sunny and hero everywhere. mari would see their eyes in the reflection of windows, in raindrops, and she would sometimes just feel them around her when she was really sad.
however, the only face she ever truly saw was sunny's.
he didn't open the door for anyone. he barely ate, or showered. she wanted to scream at him, to hug him, to come back to life and pretend nothing had happened. she felt so angry at him, but also angry at herself for putting him through this. voices clammered at the inside of her mind, each proposing different thoughts and opinions on him and what he had done.
but every thought she had still came to the conclusion that she forgave him.
but she couldn't tell him that. sunny had to suffer because of mari.
———
by the third year of her being dead, mari was over it. she was done being upset that she was dead. she wanted to move on from her own death.
"how weird does that sound?" shed laugh, not expecting an answer. daily conversations with sunny were normal to her. shed talk about how she missed the taste of food and how much she missed him. he'd just blankly stare at whatever he was doing, and she would pretend he was listening.
mari was glad that hero had moved on. she was super happy for him. same with kel. the only thing she was worried about was sunny. she just wanted him to open up, literally and figuratively. he hasn't said a single word in almost 3 years. not even to mom. (she didn't deserve to talk to him anyways.)
when kel had hope, mari did too. she was proud of him for knocking on their door every day and asking sunny to come out. but she also felt sorry for him. they hadn't seen eachother in 3 whole years. sunny hadn't even shown up to school at all in that time. his guilt consumed him, and his friends couldnt help.
neither could mari. she related to sunny's friends.
———
mari would often pretend to hold hero's hand by holding her own. shed imagine basil's voice lecturing her on the care of different plants when she visted gardens. she pretended to eat snacks with aubrey when she would hang out on the bleachers by the baseball diamond. she would pretend to be shooting hoops with kel, despite being horrible at basketball.
she didnt need to pretend with sunny. just floating around him, merely existing (or... not existing) next to him cheered her up.
———
one day... mari started to notice that everything was different. the corners of her eyes had an off-white film and everything sounded muffled. she noticed that she was having trouble controlling her limbs (could she even call them that anymore?) and she couldnt feel much in terms of emotion.
she felt almost like her bones were itching and she couldn't reach them, like there was a piece missing. something was wrong.
as the days went by, she started to feel more and more like how she did when sunny pushed her. her brain was foggy and so was her eyesight. her thoughts were dull and stiff. she was trying to grasp onto something, but her hands wouldn't move.
each day, mari felt worse and worse.
and nothing she did helped.
———
4 years of being dead, and mari finally got her 'someday' that she wished for. she could feel it that morning, she knew she was moving on to somewhere new. and reality was justifying this, because when she glanced down at her hands, she noticed that they were fading more than they should.
mari had enjoyed her days being a ghost as much as she could. she still felt like she was half-alive. her ghost abilities had become her new normal and she felt happy again. and calm.
maybe when the universe noticed that, it wanted to take it away from her.
but mari didn't mind. she had seen what she needed to see. as the white film completely covered her eyes and everything started to go dark, she cried tears of happiness. the last thing she saw was sunny opening the door for kel.
sunny had taken his first step to moving on, and mari had taken her last.
wherever sunny ended up, mari just hoped he would be happy. she couldn't guarantee it, but she wished with all her heart that he, and all his friends, would be okay.
———