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They are 11 the first time they meet in the Hogwart express.
James is loud and fun and warm. He talks with his whole body. He laughs loudly and he nearly screams when he sees something exciting.
Sirius is silent and cold, secretly impressed. Because at 11, he has spent his whole life trying to fit in boxes too tight for him. Because he’s been told over and over he shouldn’t be loud or active or everything he was. But James is right there and James irradiates joy and Sirius thinks that boy sitting in front of him is the most magical thing he’s ever seen.
They're 11 when they are sorted in the same house and James burst into joy while Sirius is paralyzed by fear. He puts on a face, tries to stay brave and screams it's a mistake. He demands to be changed. But it doesn't work.
He is 11 when his parents send him an owl to say how disappointed they are and how he has failed his family. So Sirius is 11 when he escapes their dormitory in the middle of the night and goes crying in the common room.
They're 11 when James follows him and holds him tight in front of the fireplace. James explains to him what an honor it is to be in Gryffindor and that his house can become his new family if he wants to. They're 11 when James promises for the first time, he'll be there for him.
And Sirius doesn't quite believe him cause he's 11 and his experience of family isn't the happiest but James gives the best, and only , hugs he has received and Sirius wishes it can be enough.
*
They're 12 the first time they sleep with each other.
It happens in September, once they're back from their Summer holidays. Sirius is more silent than he's ever been and they're all worried about him but no one dares to ask him, afraid of what they'll find out. They all know how bad it went with his parents since he was sorted into their house, but they can't really imagine how bad it can be.
That's why they're 12 when Sirius screams in the middle of the night and wakes them up. James is the first on his feet and the first by his side. Sirius is shaking and he looks terrified. Before Peter even has the chance to be out of his bed, James is in Sirius'.
“Don't worry guys, I'm taking care of him.”
Remus frowns, standing at the edge of the bed but Sirius' face is already hidden under the covers. The boys go back to their beds and James holds Sirius with all his 12-year-old boy strength.
“It's okay, Sirius, I'm here. We're all here, you're safe. I promise you're safe here.”
Sirius is 12 when he buries his nose against James' chest and sobs against him. James is 12 when he pets his hair and keeps promising he'll be okay.
Sirius is 12 and he wants to believe he's right.
They're 12 when they sleep in the same bed every night for the rest of the month, James refusing to let Sirius alone and Sirius, pretending he minds more than he actually does.
*
They are 15 the first, and only, time they fight for real.
Sirius already feels guilty as hell but seeing that disappointed look on his best friend's face is almost too much. So, when James shouts at him and punches him in the face, he doesn't even try to resist.
They're 15 the first time Sirius realizes he might lose James of all people. He knows, if he loses him, he'll lose everything.
They're 15 when Sirius casts silencing charms around his bed at night so he can cry and have nightmares without waking the others up. He already broke their trust, he won't take their nights too.
James is 15 when he tries to pretend he doesn't notice the bags under his best friend's eyes or the broken gaze he carries around. He pretends he doesn't miss his warmth in his bed at night. He pretends he doesn't see how sad Sirius looks. And he pretends it doesn’t burn his throat to leave him alone when he knows how much he needs him. When he knows where the bruises on his body come from. When he knows he did this to play and he didn’t mean any harm.
They're 15 when James opens Sirius' curtains as he's about to cast the spell and offers him to sleep by his side. Sirius shyly accepts and whispers an uncomfortable, ''thank you, James''. So they go to James' bed and, before he hugs him, James sighs.
"you really fucked up this time, Sirius. You’ll have to apologize to Moony. Properly. You’ll have to accept he might not forgive you."
It hurts. But Sirius has his nose in James' neck and he's never felt safer. It doesn't matter that much because James loves him anyway. He thinks, maybe, James is all he'll ever need. So he nods.
They're 15 when the fall asleep in each other's arms once again and Sirius understands what friendship actually means. Cause he is 15 when he knows James will never let him down, no matter what.
*
They’re 16 when they become brothers for real. They’re 16 when Sirius finally has the guts to run away from home. He’s 16 when he begs Regulus to come with him but his little brother won’t leave their parents.
He is 16 when he shows up into the Potters living room, still shaken by his last altercation with his mother. He’s 16 when Euphemia sadly looks at him and whispers in a broken voice “what happened to you dear child?”
They’re 16 when James runs down the stairs to hug him like he’s never hugged him before. “Welcome home”, he murmurs in his ear and Sirius has to bite his cheek to blood not to burst into tears.
He is 16 and still sleepy when Euphemia shakes her head in her kitchen.
“Don’t be silly my darling”, she says, “you’re not going back there. You belong here with us now.”
He is so thankful that he finds himself crying in her arms. A worried James enters the room as they separate and he’s hugging him too before he can even say hello.
“Is everything okay Pads?” , he asks, and everything is actually perfect so Sirius pets his hair.
“It is. Don’t worry Jamesie.”
They’re 16 when they lay in James’ bed and Sirius eventually lets out what’s been breaking his heart for the last weeks.
“Regulus refused to come.”, he cuts James in the middle of another Lily complimenting.
“You asked him?”, Sirius nods, “Oh... I’m so sorry Pads. I know how much you wanted him to...”
He strokes his cheek before he adds:
“But I’m here now, ok? I’ve been your other brother for years and it’s official now!!” , he smiles warmly and Sirius wants to kiss him, “I will never let you down Padfoot, I swear. You’re my family.”
Sirius can’t quite speak because he would just end up crying again and he’s sick of all his tears. He buries his nose in James’ neck and his friend automatically has his hand in his hair. It’s a reflex. Something they’ve done so many times before.
“Do you believe in soulmates?” , he finds himself asking after a while, not even sure that James is still awake; the petting in his hair has stopped.
He doesn’t know where he’s going with this question. He always felt like his soul was connected to James’. In every way that could exist. It can even be scary sometimes, how well they fit together, how right it feels. So he just felt like asking but maybe James will think he’s crazy. Maybe he’ll tell him to stop being such a girly boy and that shit like soulmates doesn’t exist. Or maybe he’s just asleep and he hasn’t even heard the question.
But the hand in his hair moves again.
And they’re 16 when James’ sleepy voice answers:
“Of course I do, you’re mine.”
*
They're 17 when James bursts into the dormitory screaming and jumping around.
"Mates! We kissed!!! I kissed Lily Evans. Lily Evans kissed me!!!"
And he becomes and broken recorder, repeating these three sentences while running in the room. Peter, because he is a nice boy, applauses, from the entrance of the bathroom, his towel stuck under his arm. Remus, who isn't as nice, raises an eyebrow above his homework.
"Did she?", he asks suspiciously, making James yell again, "of course she did!!"
Sirius laughs. He steps to James and puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Lads, our Prongsie is a grown man now."
Then, he hugs him. He doesn't usually do that. James is the hugger, not him. But Sirius is 17 and he can't quite understand the lump in his throat so hugs James instead because that's what always worked. He hugs James and a little voice in his head keeps telling him that something is wrong so he does his best to ignore it.
They're 17 when Sirius is afraid to lose James. His best friend spends all his free time with his new girlfriend. He spends all their free time talking about her and Sirius knows way too many details about her freckles for someone who doesn't care. He says he's in love, that she's the one, that he's never felt this way before. And he seems changed, yea. He's more cheerful than ever, even for James. He laughs and smiles all the time, everything seems so light. He's disgustingly in love.
One night, Sirius is waiting for James to return from his date. He should have come back sooner and he can't help but worry. Of course, James took the map and the cloak so he can't even go out and look for him. Sirius doesn't know why but he hates this new dynamic. He wants his James back. He wants his brother back all the time not always lost in Lily's eyes. He sighs.
At 17, he wonders of James remembers he called him his soulmate last summer. Maybe it didn't mean a thing, maybe it was just the tiredness and the firewhiskey they had stolen. He sighs again.
Remus sits next to him.
"He's a big boy Pads, don't worry he'll come back.", he tries to reassure him but Sirius doesn't want his pity.
He doesn't answer and he clenches his jaw a bit more as he plays with his nails.
"You know," Remus breaks the silence again, "James loves you very much. You have a special bond. Not even Evans can take that away."
Sirius looks at him with sparkly eyes. He hasn't realized how much he needed to hear that.
"I'm happy for him." , he says and Remus snorts.
"I never said you weren't, Sirius."
And Sirius is about to answer when James enters the room, looking hazy and so light. He smiles when he sees them
"Evening lads!"
Sirius jumps on his feet "Evening? It's 1 fucking am, James, where the hell were you?"
James makes big eyes and looks surprisingly at Remus. The werewolf shrugs. James sighs.
"Yeah sorry bout that, we kind of lost track of the time."
Sirius is 17 when he realizes all he has to answer are insults and shouts. Instead, he storms out of the room and runs to his bed. He does his best no to wake Peter up and hides under the covers. He knows it's only a matter of time before his best friend joins him.
James does indeed lay next to him a few moments later. He wears his mom's face, the kind he has when he's about to say something important, and Sirius wonders if it's a good idea to do it now.
"Okay", James whispers, "what the hell is going on with you Pad?"
"Nothing."
"That's not what Remus said."
"Well," Sirius snaps, "Maybe Moony should mind his own damn business."
James sighs and puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Sirius... Talk to me..."
Sirius is 17 and he still cannot resist James' pleading voice. So he talks. So he vomits the words he's been keeping for days. How he is scared like never before. How his nightmares end up being about James leaving him because he spends all his time with Evans and has no use for his brother anymore. How jealous he feels and how it eats him inside.
And James never laughs, never complains, never interrupts. He only pats his hair.
"Sirius. Listen to me very carefully. I am not going anywhere. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a month, not ever. I swear. I am not leaving you behind, understood? You are my home. Damn it Padfoot, you should know how important you are!"
And they're 17 when Sirius is speechless for the first time in his life. James is all he could have asked for and, sometimes, he wonders how he'd gotten that lucky to find him. The best is, James surely wonders the same thing.
*
They are 18 when they finish Hogwarts.
They're 18 when they make their final prank. They're 18 when they throw the biggest party in the common room. They are proud and nostalgic at the same time. They drink, they play stupid games and they dance like they need it to breathe. They laugh louder than they've ever laughed, almost too much, with an odd lump in their throats. Somehow, Sirius finds himself in James' arms, fighting back tears. He blames them on the alcohol and James pretends to believe him. But they're 18 and he knows what's bothering his best friend so he says anyway.
“We're not over, Pads. We won't end with Hogwarts, I promise.”
Sirius softly smiles and leans his forehead on his shoulder, “Thank you, Prongs”, he manages to say and tears fall slowly on his cheeks.
Because Sirius is 18 when he has to leave the first place and the first people he has ever called home.
They are 18 when they jump into McGonagall's arms, screaming like the kids they once were, “Minnie! We want a goodbye hug!”
At first, it's only meant to be a joke, their silly way to say goodbye but, when she actually hugs them, they're not laughing anymore. They hold her like they would hug their mother, face buried against her chest. There's something heavy in the air, in the way she holds them. As if she thought it was the first, and only, time she'd get that chance.
“Take care of yourselves, boys,” she tells them, a tender smile on her lips.
They're 18 and it sounds more like a prayer than actual advice but they promise they will anyway. She nods as she reluctantly lets them go but they're only 18 and she knows they won't be able to keep their promise.
Cause they're only 18 when they join the Order.
They're still children when they decide to take a side in a war they're ready to fight in. They're 18 when they think they're old and strong enough to play soldiers. And it's funny at first. They don't realize what is actually happening and the adrenaline running in their young boys' veins makes it feel like a game. They're playing together like what they've been doing for years now. They're saving the world together.
They're 18 when James decides they will be okay as long as they have each other and they're 18 when Sirius agrees.
Because his life is James and only James. He knows he'll have nothing else.
*
They’re 19 when they witness their first death.
They’re 19 when all they can see is blood and flames and lighting, green lighting. When all they can hear are screams, supposedly human, spells shouted everywhere like bullets and Moody’s voice urging them to get the hell out .
They're 19 when all they can feel is fear and disgust and pain and a lot of things they can not put into words because they never knew they could feel this way. And it’s everywhere and they can’t take it off.
They’re 19 when they manage to go home, wearing this incident on their youthful face, stained by their new mask.
They’re 19 when they realize playing with fire can actually get you burnt. They're 19 when they realize they are not kids anymore, they cannot be kids anymore. They’re 19 when they realize this is a war and, no matter how much they wish it was, it has nothing to do with a game.
They're 19 when Sirius admits, with a dark face, "I'm so scared, like really scared." And a defeated James answers "me too, Pads, me too."
And he worries he might lose Lily, the love of his life, his beautiful wife to be, or worse, that he might die and leave her alone. And Sirius wants to slap him so hard for even daring to say that.
Because Sirius is 19 and the only thing left he has to lose is James. And he doesn’t want to think about it.
They are also 19 when James and Lily finally get married. Sirius has the chance to make his best man speech and embarrass James in front of the people they care most about. They're 19 when James smiles so much his cheeks hurt and Sirius thinks he has never seen him happier. Sirius is 19 when he realizes he still doesn't believe in love and he's afraid he never will.
They’re 19 when they drink way too much. They’ll say it’s because they can and not because they need to. But it’s so easy to pretend, for one night, in their little bubble, that the war isn’t raging outside, that death isn’t waiting around the corner. That their youth didn’t vanish months ago before they even had the chance to enjoy it. So they drink fancy Muggle alcohol. So they get drunk and somehow they’re finally 19.
Sirius stands on a table, shouting more than singing, muggle songs Lily taught him when they were still young. James joins him, drink in hand, Peter behind and Remus shakes his head to pretend he's pissed before he gets dragged too. They're 19 when Lily laughs way too hard to look as mad as she wants to.
They're 19 and this wedding shouldn't taste so bitter. It should taste like a promising beginning but they all seem to keep in mind that the war is waiting outside, ready to catch them, no matter how much they drink. Cause they're 19 and the world is heavy on their shoulders. They're 19 when they pretend they are not as broken as they look. They're 19 and the life of the party makes them realize how closely life and death are intertwined.
They're 19 when they slow dance together. They're 19 and the way Sirius' hands grab James' suit is a cry for help. They're 19 and the way James holds him close sounds like the end is coming. They're 19 and James looks at him like his eyes want to say something but it can't reach his mouth. Sirius is 19 when he bursts into tears as soon as their dance ends. He repeats he just had too much to drink because he can't even tell why he's crying. James has is typical worry frown as he pretends to believe him once again and, Sirius thinks, it shouldn't hurt that much to realize how well he knows his best friend.
But there is that one thing stuck in his mind that he can't get out. That one possibility he carries like a burden.
Because Sirius is 19 and he's struck by the terrible fear James can die.
And it makes him want to scream until he's voiceless. It makes him want to rip his skin off.
But right now, James has his arms around him, his hands in his hair and his mouth murmurs it'll be alright. Head on his chest, Sirius can hear his heartbeat as he shivers.
Cause he's 19 and he wants to believe James so much it hurts.
*
They're 20 when Sirius loses his brother. They're 20 when they're reminded the war never sleeps and people die every day. They're exhausted and Sirius wishes he cared more about his brother's death. But he sees death all the time now and, just because he knows the name on the paper, doesn't make it worse. He hates himself for it.
"You are not a monster, Padfoot" 20-year-old James tells him as he stares blankly at the letter.
James has a hand on his shoulder, a confident smile on his face and a strong look that used to make him believe anything. And Sirius wants to believe him, he really does. He wants to look at him like he did at 11 and see a fierce leader that can save him from everything. But they're 20 now and James looks as tired as he does. The bright aura he used to carry around is fading a little more each day. James still tries, though. He throws drops of hope at him and prays it will land in his heart but, lately, he's been missing his spots.
Sirius has never been a hoper. He only followed the smug Gryffindor's lead and thought, he had finally found it. But it didn't last.
James repeats, "It's not your fault" and they're 20 the first time Sirius doesn't believe him. There's a twist in his stomach that makes him want to throw up. There's a voice in his head that keeps blaming him for what happened and, for the first time, it's louder than James'. Because Sirius is 20 and he has lost his little brother. He is 20 and he let him at his parents' to die.
Sirius is 20 and he realizes James cannot protect him from everything.
They're 20 when they regret, for the first time, growing up.
They are also 20 when light seems to find its way in again. Cause they're 20 when Lily gives birth to a beautiful boy who makes James cry tears of joy the first time he holds him. Sirius is 20 when he becomes a godfather and suddenly has another life to take care of.
They're 20 and it feels like there is finally a way out. They have a good reason to fight, a good reason to believe, life can still exist.
But they're 20 when they learn about the prophecy and everything crumbles again. Lily gasps in horror and James wears his darkest face. Sirius has known him for half his life and it's the first time he sees him like that.
" Nothing will happen to him", he assures his wife shaking in his arms but he shots a glance at Sirius and they both bite their cheek to keep their tears.
Cause they're 20 and Sirius knows James is a 20-year-old brave man who will die before anything can happen to his wife or son.
Sirius is 20 and he leans against the wall because his legs are shaking too much to stand. He's 20 and he cannot lose the only family he's ever had. He's 20 and his eyes implore James not to do something stupid. He's 20 and the pain in his chest when James strongly smiles at him nearly makes him fall.
Because they're 20 and, this time, James doesn't promise anything.
They're 20 and they realize they'll eventually have to lose each other.
*
They're 21 when their lives end. Except one really dies and the other goes straight to hell.
They’re 21 when Sirius finds James’ body at his feet. His eyes are still open, forever frozen with that firm look he had when facing the dark lord. The look of a man who was ready to die for the ones he loved, not even a bit scared. His broken glasses are lying next to him and his messy hair still falls on his forehead.
Sirius kneels by his side. In fact, he doesn’t kneel, he falls on his knees because his legs can’t carry him anymore. James’ hand is still warm in his and, if he closes his eyes, he can almost pretend his brother isn’t dead. So he does. He closes his eyes and he doesn’t want to open them ever again. He closes his eyes and he loses himself in his death preserved memories. He remembers the first time he visited the house with James.
His bright James, running around, screaming every word out of joy “this is where I’m gonna be living pads!! With my future wife!!! My wife!” . Sirius feels a smile on his lips at the memory. The smile is bigger and, before he knows it, he is laughing. He laughs so hard, his muscles hurt. He laughs so hard and it feels so empty. The kind of laugh you have when even tears aren't enough. He had no idea a laugh could sound so sad. He wants to keep laughing but he hears a noise and he opens his eyes.
Tears. A baby is crying.
Harry is alive and he’s crying.
He lets reluctantly go of James’ hand, afraid he might disappear if he leaves.
Sirius enters the nursery as his head spins. The room is too dark and too damaged to be a child’s. But it is. It was. He bends against the wall looking at Lily’s dead body at his feet. He feels sick. The bright green eyes are still opened. They’re looking tenderly to the bed. There’s a soft smile on her lips and Sirius can easily see her comforting her son until her last breath.
Sirius is 21 when he slowly walks towards his godson. The baby is still crying but he doesn’t really hear him. Everything around him is blurry. Harry shouldn’t be here. That poor thing shouldn’t be standing on what became a battlefield, next to his dead mother’s body. Harry’s face lights up when he sees him and he throws his arms in the air, screaming something that sounds like “Pad!”.
But Sirius isn’t even strong enough to carry his own body, he isn’t sure he can carry Harry’s. He tries, though and, somehow, he sits on the floor with Harry on his laps. He rocks him as an excuse to rock himself. He thinks he should be crying be the tears won’t come out. It hurts so much, he doesn’t even feel the pain. Because he doesn’t feel anything at all.
He closes his eyes again, his nose in Harry’s hair that looks so much like James’. It even smells like him, his shampoo. He remembers building that tiny bed with him, how they ended fighting like kids and laughing until their stomachs hurt. He remembers Lily arguing with them about the color of the walls. And his opinion mattered because they were a family. He remembers coming to the room to greet in godson and finding James asleep on the floor, next to the bed, one hand holding his son’s through the bars. He remembers standing at the doorframe discussing Harry’s future quidditch post when he was still a fœtus and swearing he’ll get him a broomstick as soon as possible. He remembers feeling happy.
And he hopes, a bit of that happiness splashes on the boy in his arms.
He holds him wishing they’ll wake up from this nightmare soon.
Sirius is 21 the first, and only, time he begs.
He begs they let him keep his godson. He begs they let him fulfill the mission James gave to him. He begs they let him take care of the only thing he has left of James. But they take him away like they took everything else.
So Sirius is 21 when he decides he has nothing left to lose.
He still can see James. He only sees James, actually. Even in this dark cell with no light, all he can see is James. James' dead body. James lying on the ground, 21 years old forever. James’ cold hand when Sirius held it one last time before going for revenge. How stupid of him.
He sees James, he hears James' laugh and he prays he’ll just have him back.
It’s only when he’s alone in his scary shadowy cell, at 21, that Sirius finally cries. Sirius is 21 when he falls on the dirty ground of his cell, unable to breathe through his sobs. He is 21 when he has lost everything. He’s 21 when all he can think is that it’s his fault. That he shouldn’t have trust Peter. That he should have followed James’ plan. He’s 21 when he discovers what pain actually feels like and he’s 21 when he wishes more than ever, he was the one being dead.
Cause James is dead. He is. He saw the body. James is dead and it's his fault.
He's 21 and he has killed his brother.
*
He is 33 when he sees James again. Except, the boy turns, and it’s not James, it’s Harry. And it hurts.
That boy looking at him, with James’ face and Lily’s eyes, makes his heart crush so much, the pain somehow disappears. It’s so unfair.
How can he walk around like this, looking so much like his dead best friend?
How can he talk to him like nothing happened when he perfectly remembers the day he was born and how he cried along with James?
He never imagined seeing his godson again would hurt him so bad. He wants to hate him, to make things easier. Except he doesn’t. Not at all. Not even a bit. He’s his godson, the most precious thing he has left, what James asked him to look after. No, Sirius can’t hate him.
He’s 33 and he loves that boy with all the love he had for his parents.
He’s 33 but sometimes he feels like he’s 15 again, playing dumb games with prongs and making bad jokes instead of sleeping. He’s 33 and it feels like he finally has his best friend, his brother, back. He’s 33 and Harry lights up a small candle of hope, deep in his heart, where James used to light bonfires. But it’s enough now. Sirius doesn’t expect more. He has never really expected things before but, since that night, he stopped completely.
But of course, like all the other good things in his life, nothing lasts.
So he is 33 when he loses James (no, Harry) again.
*
Sirius is 34 when he finds himself crying for James in the middle of the night. He’s 34 when the only answer he gets is the silence from the cold walls of his hated childhood home. He’s 34 when he wakes with James’ voice in his mind, whispering “you’ll never have to go back there”, so confident, Sirius made the mistake to believe him. He is 34 when he paces the house like a ghost, not feeling alive enough to be a man. He's 34 and he worries he's lost his mind. He's 34 and he feels like he's drowning in the ocean without any strength left to swim.
He’s 34 when Remus’ arms are around his shoulders and they share the same broken glance. They’re 34 when they fall asleep in Remus’ bed, holding on to each other like holding on to a life belt. It’s not even affection, it’s despair. There’s no gravity between them, just grief. Deaths they’ve never been through. They share whispers and nightmares but it all feels bitter and out of place. But they still do it cause, at least, for a second, they feel something else. Or just, something.
Sirius is 34 and he thinks James’ arms are the only place he’s ever felt safe. But James has been dead for twelve years now and no arms are warm enough.
He's 34 when he looks at Molly Weasley and coldly says "he is not your son.".
Because Harry is James' son, he is James' and Lily's son, he is his best friends' son and Sirius is tired of people thinking otherwise. Because they gave their lives for him. Because they died so he could live.
Sirius is 34 and he wonders if, one day, he'll eventually stop missing James.
*
He is 35 when he hears Harry's screams and sees Remus' defeated gaze.
But all Sirius can do is smile.
Because they're 35 and 21 when they see each other again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-James Potter (Prongs) and Sirius Black (Padfoot), 1971-1981
‘We solemnly swear we are up to no good’
‘Mischief Managed’