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Tsukishima never really cared for anything. No, not really but when Yamaguchi asked him that… he had to think twice.
“Hey, Tsukki?” Tadashi asked with uncertainty in his voice as the two walked home.
“Hm.”
“Um, w-would you-”
“Just spit it out already.” Tsukishima said annoyed.
Yamaguchi gulped. “Um, would you miss me? If I weren’t here anymore?” his eyes shone so brightly that it can compete against the sunset behind Tsukishima's head.
“No, not really. Why?” Tsukishima cocked an eyebrow at him.
Yamaguchi seemed hurt by what he said but hid it well behind his cheeky smile. “Nothing. Let's just go.” he said and walked in front of Tsukishima. As they continued their walk home Yamaguchi never turned back to look at him or speak to him even when they were parting Yamaguchi never once looked at him after that.
The next day Tsukishima walked to school by himself. Yamaguchi wasn’t there at their meeting spot where they usually met up to walk together to school. Tsukishima didn’t think too much of it because there were times when Yamaguchi woke up late and he had to walk to school alone. It didn’t bother him. Not a lot until he found out that Yamaguchi also wasn’t here for lunch so he had to eat by himself until Hinata and Kageyama went to go bother him.
For the whole day Yamaguchi wasn’t there. He wasn’t there and it felt odd to Tsukishima. If it was any normal day Yamaguchi would’ve already texted him a couple times saying “sorry Tsukki” until he replies. He was still thinking about it even as he walked home. When he got to the stop where he and Yamaguchi separates he stood there, waiting for something to happen.
He couldn’t believe it. He had expected yamaguchi to be waiting for him there, to be hiding in some corner curled into a ball and when he walks up to him he would look up feeling pathetic. Pathetic. He was so pathetic. After what he said to Yamaguchi it was obvious that the boy would be upset at him. But was he so upset that he couldn’t come to school? Or did something happen to him?
Tsukishima didn’t notice it but he was staring down Yamaguchi’s street, almost as if he was debating whether or not he should check up on Yamaguchi. He sighed and walked straight. It was useless trying to try to talk to Yamaguchi now. The sun was already setting… just like it did yesterday. He shook his head and continues walking until he reached his home.
After taking a bath he went straight to bed, which would be a rare sight because he rarely sleeps right after showering because Yamaguchi would be talking to him on the phone or texting him. He flipped his phone and checked if he got any message from Yamaguchi. There was none.
“Seriously, is he that mad?” he asked quietly. He yawned and his eyes slowly closed.
The next morning Tsukishima was waiting for him again. Missing two days in a row was not like Yamaguchi at all. That somehow made Tsukishima’s stomach turn in an awful way. He managed to leave the spot without feeling sick and made it to school on time.
As he walked into first period he could tell that everyone’s eyes were on him. It was a weird sight to see him by himself because there was always Yamaguchi. He was always there no matter what even if no one was talking to him he was always there.
It was kind of hard to get rid of the image of them two always together though when they saw Tsukishima by himself. It became so obvious that HInata and Kageyama even confronted him about it.
“Oi! Tsukishima! Where’s Yamaguchi?!” Hinata yelled as he ran over to Tsukishima before he could walk outside.
“How should I know?” Kageyama frowned and that brought a smirk to the blonde’s face. “What’s wrong huh? Is the king short on a commoner?”
That comment elicited a usual “I’m not a commoner and I don’t belong to him” and a “Shut up! I’m not a king” from the both of them.
“Hey, you’re his friend. Shouldn’t you know?” HInata asked curiously with a frown. “You’re not blackmailing him are you?”
“I’m not blackmailing him idiot.” as he finished the lunch bell rang and the idiot duo ran off, saying it’s a competition to see who gets to their class first.
“Such idiots. They don’t even have the same class right now.” Even though he says that he knows that he feels kind of lonely. He and Yamaguchi weren’t like the idiot duo but at least he wasn’t lonely. He clicked his tongue and put on his headphones.
There he was again, looking down Yamaguchi’s street. At practice he was still making nasty comments but it wasn’t that fun. Not when he didn’t have someone to back him up. He didn’t hear Yamaguchi’s laugh when he made rude comments about Kagehina.
He was still lost inside his thoughts as an ambulance rushed past him, going down Yamaguchi's street. He didn’t know why but he didn’t have a too good feeling about this. No, he didn’t when he saw that the ambulance was heading straight for Yamaguchi’s house.
Whatever pulse that pulled through him, made him ran a mile. He ran down the street. He didn’t care if tears were slipping through his tears or that he was screaming. He was panting hard by the time he reached Tadashi’s house. The paramedics came out with Yamaguchi on the stretcher all bloodied and cut. The scene almost made him gag. He grabbed the nearest person by the collar and asked him, “What happened to him? H-how did this happen?”
The paramedic caught in his grip gulped. He looked almost afraid to answer him. He should be though because Tsukishima’s eyes were wide, his face was pale, and his hands were trembling all over.
“Kei?” asked Yamaguchi’s mother. He looked at her and ran to her side.
“What happened to him?” his voice was trembling and wavering as he reached a hand out to her.
“I-I don’t know. Yesterday he didn’t go to school. He said that he wasn’t feeling well and now… I can’t believe it… I-I don’t even know what’s going on.” she sobbed into her hands.
From the pit of his stomach he felt awful. Did Yamaguchi hurt himself because of him? Was it because of him? Something he said? Was it from that day? When he asked him if he would miss Yamaguchi?
“Hey, let me get on with him.” Tsukishima said stubbornly. The paramedics shook their heads.
“You can’t. You’re not family and you don’t look old enough to.” Are you kidding me? That one time when an adult tells me I don’t look older than my age and it’s now?
“Yeah but his mother won’t be able to go and I’m his best friend.”
For some reason, when he said “friend”, he felt bad, like he was gonna be sick or something.
“Please, let him go. I’ll catch up.” said Yamaguchi’s mom. The paramedics gave them one more look before giving up and letting him go.
Maybe it was his mistake but when he got inside the ambulance with Yamaguchi he felt that he could just literally die. There were so much blood and his face was so pale. And it was Yamaguchi that was sleeping on that stretcher with an air mask on his face.
Gosh, he was such an idiot. How did he hurt himself, why he did, what made him do it, all these questions he wanted to ask and have an answer so badly but couldn’t. Yamaguchi was hurt. He just hoped that it wasn’t as bad as it looks.
Yamaguchi had cut his wrist. One of the most dangerous ways to suicide. He really hopes that Yamaguchi was smarter than he seems and didn’t cut vertically.
“Is he gonna be alright?” he pointed to his friend on the stretcher. The person in the back with them gave him a forced smile.
“I’m not sure what will happen to him but let’s just hope that he is alright.”
He didn’t need to speak much. Tsukishima already knew that it was impossible for Yamaguchi to be okay even if you prayed and hoped with all your might. A cut that big and on both wrists weren’t going to heal as fast as you might want it to be. Still, it didn’t hurt to have hope though. To believe that everything was going to be alright even when the chances of survival were so slim.
When they got to the hospital Yamaguchi was immediately sent to the emergency room. He sat outside the room and waited for the breaking news. His breathing was hectic and wild. This was the first time he’s ever encountered a problem like this. He’s never even been in a hospital to begin with.
“Kei!” screamed Yamaguchi’s mother as she came up to him. Her hands grasped his shoulders tightly. “How is he?” her voice was weak. She was scared and she had that right. She was his mother, his world. It would only make sense. Tsukishima was also scared but he was just a friend. A friend who never really cared about Yamaguchi.
“They haven’t told me yet.” he said, equally as weak as her voice. Her fastening breathing turned into sobs as realization sunk into her head.
“He’s not alright is he?” her shoulders sagged as she fell onto the floor. Tsukishima awkwardly pulled her into a hug. Somehow, he felt guilty. He’s never hugged Yamaguchi like this, not even when they were kid but here he is, hugging his mother like as if she was the last person on Earth.
Regret. He regrets never having to hold Yamaguchi like this. He regrets what he said the other day. He regrets not appreciating Yamaguchi in his life, walking next to him, talking to him and texting him. He regrets it all. He regrets everything, everything that had to do with Yamaguchi because it wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough when he was with Yamaguchi.
When they walked together he would walk in front so he won’t want to walk closer to him, longer with him. When Yamaguchi speaks, he would unconsciously lower the volume of his music to listen to him. Whenever Yamaguchi spoke to him he always told him to shut up because he always spoke to much and slip away from the conversation. He always apologized even though he really didn’t mean it. Tsukishima could never get enough of him.
“I’m not sure.” Tsukishima said as a sob escaped her lips.
“How? How could this happen? I raised him good and I loved him so much.” she continued to sob, blaming herself that this happened.
Among her sobs the door to the ER opened, gaining his attention. The doctor slowly walked over to him with an unreadable expression. He stood in front of the two. Mrs. Yamaguchi noticed and quieted her sobs.
“I-is my… my son, how is he?” her breath were shaky with each word she spoke.
The doctor shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry but… the cuts on his wrists, they weren’t horizontal.”
A scream pierced through the empty hall followed by a call for help, a pair of nurses carrying a fainted Mrs. Yamaguchi into a room, and a paled face Tsukishima. His breathing got harder and faster. Slowly, everything got darker and his hearing got heavier.
“Hey! Can you hear…” the doctor’s voice faded away as Tsukishima fainted. This was just too much for him. This… all of this needs to be stopped.
The next five days were spent getting ready and planning for Yamaguchi’s funeral. It was a blur for Tsukishima. It was hard for him to believe that his best friend was dead. His one and only friend since Elementary school was now dead.
He didn’t show much emotions after that incident. When anyone tried to get close to him or ask him about it he would ignore them. They thought that he was cold and heartless and undeserving of Yamaguchi’s loyalty and friendship. He knew that. He knew that Yamaguchi deserved so much more that he could never give him. But one thing was for sure, he could always be shelter for Yamaguchi, his protection, his shield.
On the day of his funeral Tsukishima did nothing but sit in his chair, listening to people talk about Yamaguchi. Even the volleyball club and school were there. Shimada, Hinata, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka and Sugara cried a whole bunch while the rest tried not to show tears or cried quietly and secretly.
He knows that he looks bad and people think wrongly of him. He was Yamaguchi’s best friend yet he didn’t shed a tear. Everyone from the volleyball cried a tear or two and they just met that same year. It made him look bad but he didn’t care and when it was his turn to say something, one last thing to the sweet boy sleeping in that coffin slowly put into the ground, all he said was, “He was my best friend” and left right after that.
People looked wrongly at him, thought wrong of him and spoke badly about him behind his back. He should feel bad but he doesn’t. He feels lonely and sad because that’s when he realized that the only person who loved him and cared for him was Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi never doubted him like his mother and brother did. He never thought twice about anything Tsukishima did like Hinata and the rest. He never talked behind his back like the world did him. Yamaguchi worshiped the floor he walked upon. He did whatever Tsukishima did and never complained. He’d do anything to please the boy. Yamaguchi loved him to death.
The day after the funeral Yamaguchi’s mother cleaned his room. It was hard for her. She decided that she was going to move. This saddened Tsukishima to no end. He spent days helping her clean the house. Before she left she gave him Yamaguchi’s phone and had asked if he wanted to keep anything. The thing was, Tsukishima ended bringing every damn thing into his home. Of course, Yamaguchi’s mother and his own didn’t complain. They were friends after all.
Even though everything else in there might be private, he took liberty going through every box that he could find and eventually decorated his bed with all of Yamaguchi’s things but his room wouldn’t fit all of his things, there was just too much of them. That’s when he had the urge to call his older brother and asked him if he could borrow his room for Yamaguchi. When Akiteru heard what he said he asked his brother if he was okay because Yamaguchi wasn’t there anymore earning an earful of insults from Tsukishima.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. It’s just that when you said that you sounded so happy as if he was still here you know? But anyways go ahead and use the room all you like.”
“Thanks.” Tsukishima said quietly into the phone with a small blush.
“Yep, bye!”
Tsukishima closed his phone and stared at it for a while before it came to him that he and Yamaguchi has almost the same phone, his was just a bit cooler. That means he can charge Yamaguchi’s phone and go through it. Yeah, he’s awful, going through his friend’s phone but who cares, he’s going to do it now or later so now it is. He walked to his desk and grabbed his charger and plugged it in Yamaguchi’s phone. He waited patiently for half an hour before it was fully charged and working. Luckily, he didn't have to go through thick and thin trying to figure out Yamaguchi’s password because he didn't have one.
He went through the pictures and noticed that most of them are pictures of him and volleyball. He went through other things like his social sites and all and found them boring because he barely did anything on it. Next he checked the emails that were mostly sent by him too.
Tsukishima frowned. Was he that involved in the boy’s life? Because he knew nothing of what was going through Yamaguchi’s head. Was he that important? Each thought about his long lost friend made him sink deeper and deeper into despair.
He sighed and rolled down the emails and read a couple of them, some bringing smiles to his face reminding him how they stayed up late just to text each other. As he scrolled down something caught his eyes. There were 57 unsent messages. What was that about? He knew that he was entering a dangerous field but he had to. He had to know what was going on with Yamaguchi.
“I’m sorry.” he said honestly and opened them. His eyes widen at the messages.
“I love you Tsukki.”
“I miss you.”
“I want to hold your hand.”
“Can I? Can I really, really depend on you? Just a little?”
“I really miss you at night.”
“Do you miss me?”
“Would you miss me? Please miss me when I’m gone.”
“I can’t take this anymore. Please love me.”
“Miss me Tsukki, miss me when I’m gone.”
These were all unsent messages from Yamaguchi. A tear rolled down Kei’s eyes. How could he have done that? How could he have carelessly told Yamaguchi that? “Not really”? Why’d he have to go and tell him that. Why?
He choked on his sobs and cried all night. He didn’t eat. He couldn’t. How could he when Yamaguchi suffered so much because of him?
“Kei?” asked his mother. He sniffled and hugged Yamaguchi's pillow closer to him as he lay on his brother’s and Yamaguchi’s bed. “Please dear, come out.”
He felt bad. He felt so bad that everyone had to suffer because of him. He can hear his mother’s sob with his own. Now he wonders just how many people suffered because of him. Yamaguchi was no longer here because of him. His mother was suffering because of him. His brother probably feels bad that he couldn’t be there for their family or Yamaguchi. He’s decided that he has to stop this all. Everything needs to be stopped. Why can’t time just stop?
Tsukishima stood up and tossed the pillow away. He walked towards the window and opened it. It was cold and chilly that night and the stars were their brightest. He was going to do it. He’s done this so many times when he was a kid. It couldn’t hurt to do it now.
He clasped his hands together, closed his eyes, and wished. He wished for something that could never be returned. He wished for so many things, things that couldn't happen. He really did wish for time to stop, to let him relive the moments, something. Just something. Let him go back in time and fix everything. At least let him live in a different world or something. Anything, anything but here.
It might’ve been that his wish came true because something had hit him on the head, something that looked like a clock. Could this be it? A time machine or something? A time stopper?
Minutes. There were minutes, hours, seconds just right there in that one tiny stop watcher looking thingy. Maybe he could go back in time. Maybe, just maybe.
He clicked the power button and everything around him suddenly turned white. He was falling and landed roughly on the ground. They sky has never looked so beautiful to him that time.
“Oi. Are you okay?” said a voice and he quickly got up.
“Where is this? And what year is it?”
“Whoa there. It’s still the same year and this is Tokyo.” said the black haired male. He felt his heart tighten. He was so caught up in his own belief that he could finally make things right without even knowing that it might’ve just been a dream. Tears rolled down his eyes once again.
“Whoa! Why are you crying?! Stop it! You’re gonna make me look bad!”
“I miss him. I miss him a lot. I thought that I could travel through time but it didn’t happen. I was so happy and glad but it was all fake and I don’t even know how I got here.” Tsukishima was lifted off the floor with the help of the man.
“What’s your name?”
“Tsukishima Kei.”
The man stopped tugging at him. “Really?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Hey, I think you might’ve just solved my problem.”
Tsukishima was confused. “What?”
“Here,” he handed a timer to him, “take it and take good care of it you hear? I've had enough share of this. It’s the real thing if you were wondering what it is. Knock yourself out kid.”
He stood there dumbstruck. Had he just been handed the real “time machine”? What idiot would give up this opportunity at having the world in his hands?
“I’ve had enough. He isn’t coming back. No matter how many time’s I’ve stopped time, it’s not the same. I could go back in time but that can’t do. I’d lose something for doing that. I’ll just have to wait for him now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let me tell you something. When you use this, you have to give something up. If you stoop time, that’s okay but the person you’re working hard for can’t move but only you. Only you can move when you hit stop. And you can’t, no matter what, go back to the past and change things. That’s not changing the future, that’s living in a parallel universe. You can never go back to the time where you left off. And one more thing, you're gonna be traveling through worlds too. Try not to scare them too much you know? Oh yeah, the most important thing of all, it is almost impossible to find that parallel universe because most worlds and times have the same fate just like you but your parallel world… it can be different. Just keep that in mind. Your parallel world may be slower.”
With those words said, Tsukishima set off to finally make everything right. He’s traveled through many worlds, cried many times, and fell in love with the same person all over again. He’s seen many things that would make you cry.
He’s finally found it, the parallel world that was impossible to find. He found it after 15 years of traveling through worlds. In a world where everything was so similar to the one he left, he almost felt at home.
“Yamaguchi.” his voice trembled with each step he took.
Five-year-old Yamaguchi tilted his head. “Who are you mister? A stranger?”
As much and Tsukishima would’ve loved to gush about young Yamaguchi he couldn’t, he didn’t have much time. He kneeled in front of the kid and lifted his chin up until their eyes met.
“I want you to listen to me okay?”
Yamaguchi nodded eagerly.
“No matter what happens, you must have hope and believe that one day the person you love will love you back and never give up. No matter how ugly you think you may be, you’re beautiful to me and him. Your freckles are stars, your laugh is a breeze and your eye are my world. Never forget that.” he ruffled Yamaguchi’s hair and he laughed.
“Mister, I was here!”
“I know.”
“No, I mean, the older “me” was here just before you came. He’s up there now.” he pointed at the pods that were now up in the air. Tsukishima looked and caught Yamaguchi. He felt his heart sink.
“Thank you. I have to go now. No matter what, never forget what I said.”
“Sure!”
Yamaguchi woke up smiling. Tsukishima frowned.
“What are you smiling for?”
“I had a dream of… you I think. It was an older version of you telling me some things you would never say.”
“What? What wouldn’t I say?”
“You love me. You love my freckles. They’re like stars. My laugh is like a breeze and my eyes are your world. You love me a lot.”
Tsukishima’s face was red. So red that he could’ve died.
“No way. You made that up.”
“See? You would never say it.” Yamaguchi sighed and Tsukishima held in his breath. He hated disappointing Yamaguchi.
“Lies. I would say that.”
“Then say it.”
“No. Later on, when you’re asleep.”
“Just text me it then, I don’t mind.”
“No, when you're asleep.”
“Fine, when I’m asleep.”
“Okay, good.”
“I’m going to sleep now.”
“...”
“I’m waiting for it okay.”
“... Okay.”
After minutes of continuing arguing Yamaguchi fell asleep on Tsukishima’s bed, looking like an angel sent from heaven. From downstairs the doorbell rang, causing Tsukishima to curse at having to leave Yamaguchi’s side just to walk down the stairs for something probably stupid. He swung the door open only to find an envelope there. He guessed it must’ve been from the “him” from another world and opened the letter.
The Letter:
“I seduced your boyfriend. He was so small and so damn cute. You should’ve seen the look on his chubby cute little face when I-”
The letter was ripped apart before he got to finish anything leading to you-know-what. He was so damn angry. Seducing his baby boyfriend? How old was Yamaguchi then? He wanted to know since the “him” was even bothering to share it. Or was this a trick to make him jealous? Whatever the case, he was going to wake Yamaguchi up and beat it out of him, even if he couldn’t remember it.