Archive of Our Own

Sunghoon is eight when he first sees Kim Yuna on live television. She’s everything lanky and awkward Sunghoon isn’t - beautiful, graceful and just magnetic. He finds himself getting closer and closer to the screen as she does her final spinning move on the bright white ice, the thunderous cheering of the Olympic crowd egging her on. Sunghoon’s nose is nearly a centimeter away from the television set before his mother clicks her tongue, chastising him quietly.

It’s almost hypnotic - she is almost hypnotic. Sunghoon can’t tear his eyes away from her, even if she’s already taking her bows and walking over to the ‘Kiss and Cry’. Something clicks in his head once she’s no longer on the screen.

“Sunghoon-ah, it’s time for bed. You have hockey practice tomorrow.”

Sunghoon ignores his mother’s words as he perks up in front of her, eyes wide with fascination.

“Mom, can I try figure skating?”

Somehow, school gets knocked down in Sunghoon’s list of priorities. He finds it bewildering that his mother would be so willing to let him skip some days of school in favour of early mornings at the Taereung ice rink - not that Sunghoon is complaining though. He’d much rather be on his skates than be sitting on hard wooden study desks, pouring over textbooks he doesn’t even care enough about.

It stops being a priority once Sunghoon’s mother sees the way Sunghoon smiles when he’s on the ice. The shy toothy smile that she only sees at home starts to come out more - she sees it when Sunghoon nails a toe loop for the first time and she sees it when Sunghoon watches his coach demonstrate his very first choreography.

When she gets the call from someone at CJ E&M about getting Sunghoon to perform an award show, Sunghoon’s mother knows this isn’t just going to be some hobby anymore. That night, she turns on her chunky laptop and looks up the ISU on Naver.

There are six common jumps in figure skating which can be divided into two categories: toe jumps and edge jumps. To put it simply, toe jumps are attempted with the help of a skater’s toe-pick. (That sharp, jagged tip at the front of a skater’s skates.) Edge jumps rely on a skater’s sheer will and knee bend, without the aid of anything else but pure physics. For the most part, eleven year old Sunghoon knows how to nail a basic toe loop. He learns how to kick off his skates with the right amount of strength and he learns how to jump off the ice and land safely (For the most part. The bruises on his knees accumulate once he starts attempting double Salchows.)

But making friends, Sunghoon learns, is way harder than doing a double Salchow.

Okay, that might be an exaggeration. But Sunghoon feels like it’s still a valid point - because edge jumps are hard and he spends hours and hours trying to land it once. He puts on uncomfortable harnesses everyday before twisting and turning in the air for what feels like six hundred times, until Sunghoon is sure his ribs are broken and his meals are about to make a reappearance again.

However, befriending other kids is different. It doesn’t get  better with practice. There’s no harness protecting him from any collisions with the ground - it’s just Sunghoon, bare as he can be with the tiny flutter of hope in his heart.

No matter how many times he quietly approaches the other children and tries to tiptoe his way into their social circles, Sunghoon knows that he’s not any good at it. It’s hard to be any good at it when Sunghoon is already painfully awkward on his own, but there’s also this nagging feeling that itches his chest whenever he’s around the other kids.

It’s during his first time at the South Korean Championships when Sunghoon starts to feel it. He’s sitting anxiously at the locker room while tightening the knots on his skates, trying to keep his breathing steady.

“Sunghoon-ah,” his coach hollers from the door, “Are you ready? You’re next.”

Sunghoon gulps and squeaks back a reply, shoving back all his belongings into his bag. His hands are shaking, but he hides it by shoving them deep into the pockets of his jacket.

The ice rink is bigger than the one he practices in and there’s definitely a few hundred people in the stands. It makes Sunghoon want to turn around and run back into the locker room, but he knows he won’t make it past his coach.

“Do you see that kid?” Sunghoon’s coach prompts, pointing his index finger at the boy skating gracefully on the ice. Sunghoon recognizes Junhwan, knowing that shaggy head of hair anywhere. Something flutters in his stomach as he nods quietly.

“He started three years before you and he’s won first for the last two,” his coach whispers. “He’s your competition, Sunghoon-ah. Do you think you’re better than him?”

Sunghoon feels smaller than ever as he faces the rink, watching Junhwan attempt a jump Sunghoon can’t even dream of trying. He swallows harshly and shakes his head silently.

“You’re going to work your ass off until you’re better than him, understood?”

Better than Cha Junhwan? Sunghoon ponders in his head. How on Earth is he supposed to do that? 

Still, he offers a stiff nod. He strolls over towards the fences, hopping on his feet as his cheeks puff with long inhales and exhales. Sunghoon keeps an eye on the older boy flying around the rink, silently envying the way Junhwan did every jump so effortlessly.

There’s an uncomfortable concoction of emotions rumbling in his stomach and it makes Sunghoon nauseous beyond belief. Before he knows it, Junhwan is already taking his bows and shyly picking up the plush toys that rain down on the rink.

Sunghoon watches with a deep-seeded desire as Junhwan glides over towards him, his arms full of Ryan and Pikachu dolls.

“Sunghoonie!” Junhwan greets, waving a little.

The younger boy almost stumbles on his skates. “H-Hyung.”

Junhwan hops off the ice and slips the guards back on the blades.

“Are you nervous?”

Sunghoon tries to shrug nonchalantly. “A little bit.” Lie. He’s shitting himself.

“Don’t worry, you’ll do fine,” Junhwan encourages, patting his shoulder gently. His smile isn’t unkind, but there’s something eerie about it. Sunghoon can’t quite figure out what it is - he’s too busy trying to stop himself from uttering gibberish.

Someone calls for Junhwan and he looks up, tearing his gaze away from Sunghoon. He offers one last passing smile and a soft ‘good luck’ before walking away, leaving Sunghoon in a weird state of awe and embarrassment.

Cha Junhwan wins first place, as expected.

Park Sunghoon sits snugly at second place, the weight of a silver medal around his neck both unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Still, he convinces himself that it’s good for his first SKC. He doesn’t go home with any plastic-wrapped plush toys, but he does bring home the first of many silver awards.

When Junhwan leaves for Toronto , Sunghoon can’t help but feel relieved.

(“Lucky,” Eunsoo had whispered to Sunghoon, “he’s going to be coached by Brian freaking Orser.”)

Maybe Sunghoon will know what it feels like to be first for once - to feel a gold medal around his neck, knowing that the one boy he’s competed against for years wouldn’t be here to win them.

(He ignores the way his heart sinks way below, burying itself down into the concrete grounds of the airport. He ignores the tears gathering at the sides of his eyes, the hug doing very little to actually comfort him. He ignores the want in his head that edges him to tiptoe and peck Junhwan on the lips. Instead, he settles for a tight smile and a gentle pat on the shoulder.

Junhwan is off to greater things - as he was always meant for.

Him and Sunghoon might be in the same universe, but they were never orbiting near each other. Junhwan is like a significant, bright star - just growing and growing until he evolves into this massive stunning planet, ready for anything. Sunghoon is like a tiny asteroid. Sure, he moves and revolves around the Sun and he definitely exists in this universe. But he knows that’s all he’s going to be, whether he wants to admit it or not.)

Sunghoon is fifteen when he sees Junhwan again. They’re both competing as seniors together, but that doesn’t stop Junhwan from stealing Sunghoon away during the morning of the competition. They sit side by side on a secluded ledge behind the Taereung centre, their legs swinging in tandem as they cling onto their Thermos of hot chocolate.

Junhwan has definitely grown since the last time Sunghoon had seen him in real life. It was odd, Sunghoon remembers having to tiptoe when he hugged Junhwan at the airport two years ago. Now, they’re nearly the same height.

The older boy doesn’t have that shaggy hair anymore, instead a neater, shorter cut that compliments his face perfectly. There’s something strikingly different about Junhwan now - perhaps it was due to the prolonged amount of time the older had spent in Toronto. Sunghoon can tell that they’re universes apart now, even if Junhwan tries to slide back into how they were before.

As guarded as Sunghoon thought he’d gotten, he still melts whenever Junhwan smiles at him.

“You’re handsome now,” Junhwan remarks casually, scrunching his pink-flushed nose. “Not that you weren’t before, you were cute back then. But you’re.. Yeah.”

The chuckle that rolls out of Junhwan is twinged with embarrassment.

“Ah, hyung,” Sunghoon groans, bumping Junhwan’s arm gently. “Stop it.”

“I’m serious though. You’re just so.. Wow.”

Sunghoon giggles anxiously, his cheeks heating up. “It’s just been two years, hyung.”

“Two years is a long time,” Junhwan murmured. “You’re nearly as tall as me now.”

Silence envelops them once again. Sunghoon fixes his gaze on his shoes, trying to ignore the way Junhwan’s eyes keep flickering back to his face. It begins to get too much when Junhwan is just staring at him, so Sunghoon shyly looks up from his feet and raises a sharp eyebrow at him.

“What is it?”

Sunghoon can barely process what’s happening when he feels a plush pair of lips on his. He makes a noise at the back of his throat as he’s frozen on the spot, nearly dropping the metal bottle in his hand. When he realizes that oh shit, Junhwan is kissing him, the older boy quickly pulls away with wide eyes.

“I-”

“What-”

The words hang at the edge of Sunghoon’s tongue, jumbling up any coherent thoughts in his head. He almost gets the words out, but it’s too late. Junhwan is already scrambling to his feet, mumbling frantic apologies as he stumbles away from Sunghoon.

Sunghoon doesn’t move. His chest heaves up and down erratically. It takes a while for the air to get back into his lungs properly. He swallows and wonders how his throat suddenly got so dry.

There’s only the Thermos bottle left next to him, the drink inside already as cold as the January morning.

They don’t speak to each other again after that. It’s practically radio silence - a quiet so deafening for Sunghoon.

The coldness of the training centre comforts him, numbing him to a point where he deludes himself into believing it’s better this way.

What was it? Was it me? Was I too awkward? Was it because we’re supposed to be competitors? But why would he be threatened by me - it’s not like I trained with Brian Orser or anything. He placed first, for God’s sake! I wasn’t even on the podium. 

Was it me? 

It’s me.

Sunghoon tries to shake himself out of it. Whenever the  voice inside his head gets louder - whispering and hissing grotesque things about him - Sunghoon fastens his pace on his skates. He kicks off the ice with more strength than needed and he lands so harshly his ankles start to throb. 

He hates the way Junhwan’s imprint on his life had left him in. Not once has he ever doubted himself like this. Suddenly, nothing Sunghoon does ever feels right. It makes Sunghoon feel all icky on the outside, as if he had been stripped bare of his dignity and left for dead on the cold winter ground that morning. His reflection on a passing mirror makes him want to curl up on himself. 

Eunsoo notices the little changes - small things that the other kids overlook, like how Eunsoo has to physically pull Sunghoon along with her so he doesn’t spend lunch alone again. 

She tries to coax Sunghoon out of his shell - inviting him to amusement park trips and introducing him to her other guy skater friends. They’re mostly Sunghoon’s other competitors, he sees them often at competitions around Asia. As kind and inviting as they all are, Sunghoon can’t help the bitterness from seeping into his newly found friendships. 

It comes and goes when their results are shown on the big, LED screens at competitions. It comes and goes when his friends get medals, while he gets pathetic participation certificates or measly ranks on his ISU page.

It comes and goes when Sunghoon realizes that his best is someone else’s mediocre.

Sunghoon decides that it’s just easier to keep everyone at a distance. Not far enough to make him a total loner, but just enough to make sure that he doesn’t feel that searing stab of jealousy and guilt prod at his heart anymore.

However, Sunghoon learns a lot later that envy and bitterness are two emotions he can’t stop himself from feeling.

The loneliness, Sunghoon notes, feels heavier than anything else.

A salvation of sorts comes through the form of an Instagram DM. 

At first, Sunghoon isn’t sure if it was someone trying to scam him. The notification pops up after a long day of training, Sunghoon’s legs being patched up with heat packs by his mother. He frowns as he opens the Instagram app.

‘@bighit_music_audition: Hello, Sunghoon! We are a part of Bighit Music’s talent recruitment team. We would like to invite you to participate in our upcoming Bighit Music Auditions. You can find out more here: https://www.bighitaudition.com/apply We hope to hear from you soon, thank you!’ 

Sunghoon chuckles humourlessly. “What is this? You’d think these scammers would at least try to be convincing.” 

His sister peeks over his shoulder, squinting through her rectangular spectacles. 

“Oppa, are you dumb?” she ridicules. She clicks on the profile and jabs at the bright blue check beside the username. “It’s real.” 

“Huh?” 

“Why are you like a grandpa? You’re not that much older than me,” she snickers. She goes back to fiddling with her own phone as Sunghoon blinks at his screen. 

But why me? 

He asks that same question at the real audition. 

Sunghoon isn’t even sure if he should be here - the crowded conference room is filled with dozens of other hopefuls. Some of them are absorbed in their own private mini-rehearsals, while others are waiting nervously in their seats. Sunghoon feels small in his sweater and mismatched sport shoes, he realizes. It takes one brief survey around the room to see that the other boys are all wearing hip-looking clothes, accessorised with silver chains or flashy earrings. 

Being a figure skater for nearly nine years meant that Sunghoon should be used to attention (and crave it), but it still makes him feel flustered when he hears the hushed whispers of the other wannabe trainees. 

“He’s handsome.” 

“Is he a model?” 

“Wow.. his visuals.”

The whispers die down once he sits himself down on one of the plastic chairs, his hands smoothing over the newly placed sticker on his clothes. His legs bounce up and down as he waits quietly, going over the choreography in his head. It’s nothing much - just a simple modern dance he had practiced for one of his old skating routines. 

He’s not even sure if that was the right move, Bighit was a hip-hop company after all. But Sunghoon doesn’t know what else to do. It’s not like he can sing or rap, so Sunghoon makes the resolution to just show whatever he has. Whether or not they wanted him - it wouldn’t matter that much. 

(“Just go for it,” his mother encourages. Sunghoon chews on the inside of his cheek, still unconvinced. “You won’t lose anything if you don’t get in and if you do get in, you’ll get to practice your dancing, with actual professionals. It’ll improve your musicality, which is already your greatest strength. Doesn’t that sound nice?”) 

Someone calls his number and he quickly gets ushered into another closed room. The audition flies by in a blink - he dances as he practiced and he tries to sing as best as he can, albeit with a tremble in his voice. Once the audition is done and the staff are bidding goodbye to him, he clears his throat. 

“Can I ask something?”

A staff member looks up at him from her papers, nodding for him to go on. 

“Why.. Why did you ask me to audition?” 

She raises a questioning eyebrow at him. “Why do you want to know?” 

He fumbles with his hands, already regretting everything. Why? Why did you ask them, you idiot.  “I-I just.. I don’t know why.. I’m not exactly the musician type so..” 

There’s a pregnant pause as another staff member fixes his eyes on Sunghoon, a small, kind smile tugging at his lips. 

“We saw you skating on a video. There’s just something about you that’s different from all the other boys we’ve scouted. No matter how much we tried, we couldn’t forget about you. That’s why we invited you, Sunghoon-ssi.” 

For the first time in a while, Sunghoon feels like he’s worth something. 

He feels it again when he gets the congratulatory email. At sixteen, Park Sunghoon becomes a trainee at Bighit Entertainment.

Funnily enough, the first trainee Sunghoon meets shares the same family name as him. 

Park Jongseong is everything Sunghoon expects in a Bighit trainee, at least from what he can see upon their first meeting. The boy is only older than Sunghoon by a few months, but he’s boisterous and bold in a way he has never seen before. 

Jongseong walks into the meeting room with an expensive-looking Supreme jacket and dangly heart earrings, his dark hair complimenting his sun-kissed tan skin. His mouth is pursed in a tight line when he steps into the meeting room, an aura Sunghoon is immediately intimidated by. 

Sunghoon barely pays attention to what the rookie development staff is saying, his brain blocking out everything but the sharp-eyed boy in front of him. He feels a little bit small next to Jongseong, his favourite black trainers and sport shoes looking dull as ever next to the older boy’s Air Force 1’s and ripped jeans. 

“Jongseong, I trust that you’ll take care of our new friend here?” the staff member prods. 

He nods, “I’ll try my best.” 

The staff member hands Sunghoon a white envelope, his freshly signed contract folded neatly in half inside. It should feel light in his hands, but the weight of his decisions brings him out of reality instantly. As if on cue, the doubts start rolling into his mind. 

What am I doing here? I should be training at the ice rink, not here in some idol company. Is it too late to back out now? Why did Mom make me do this? I’m just going to waste my time here - I don’t even want to be an idol, I can’t sing. 

“Hey, Sunghoon, right?” 

Sunghoon’s head snaps up from the envelope in his hands, meeting Jongseong’s sharp eyes. He gulps a bit. “Yeah, Park Sunghoon.” 

“Cool,” Jongseong nods again, “What year were you born in?” 

“2002.” 

Jongseong’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh? We’re the same age then. Mind if I speak to you informally?” 

The two quietly make their way through the trainee floor - an area dedicated just for the trainees. It’s a mostly quiet area since none of the other trainees are here for practice yet, so Jongseong decides to ramble on about what Sunghoon should expect on his first day. 

“My first day here wasn’t so bad at all, you don’t really have to do much today since you’re still new,” Jongseong tries to reassure Sunghoon, “What a pity though - you won’t get the prime ‘Choi Yeonjun Hazing Experience’.” 

“Huh?” Sunghoon meekly asks. 

“Oh, right,” Jongseong opens the door to the practice room for Sunghoon, gesturing for him to go in first. “There was this guy, Yeonjun hyung, he used to be our top trainee and he’d brag about ranking #1 to every newcomer. He’s a little intense when you first meet him, but he’s really nice.” 

“What happened to him?” Sunghoon asks, trailing behind Jongseong as he leads them to a corner of the room. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You said he used to be the top trainee. Did he leave?” 

Jongseong makes a face, as if he had just gotten electrocuted. Sunghoon tries to stifle a giggle. “No, no, he didn’t leave. God knows that would’ve made all the staff here lose their shit. No, Yeonjun hyung is part of the debut team so he doesn’t train with us anymore. Him and four other guys, they’re in America now actually.” 

“Debut team?” Sunghoon murmurs, “We already have a debut team?” 

Something crosses Jongseong’s features as his smile drops. Sunghoon doesn’t have to be a genius to know that oh shit, this must be a sensitive topic for the other trainees. Jongseong doesn’t bother to hide the sadness in his sigh. “Yeah, they’ve picked the debut team for next year. We don’t know when they’ll form the next one.”

Sunghoon bites on the inside of his cheek. At least he doesn’t have to worry about debuting soon, right? 

“Anyways,” Jongseong pipes up, clapping his hands together before gesturing towards a big, white paper taped on the wall. “This is our current rankings. Someone else is occupying the #1 spots now that Yeonjun hyung isn’t here anymore.” 

Sunghoon peers up at the paper, noticing one name at the top of every category. He tilts his head, “Lee Heeseung?” 

It’s as if fireworks explode in Jongseong’s eyes, shining brightly as Jongseong nods with a big, proud smile. “Yup, our one and only Heeseung hyung. He’s incredible, seriously. You’ll see.” 

Sunghoon does see it. He sees the way Heeseung dances and he hears the way Heeseung sings, and it’s almost like someone throws a bucket of ice cold water on him. Sunghoon gets it - he understands why Jongseong speaks of Heeseung like he’s some godly being and he understands why Jongseong looks at Heeseung like that. 

It’s hard not to when Heeseung is literally the prime example of what an idol should be - talented, skilled, versatile and just so damn good. But there’s something different about Jongseong’s admiring gaze. There’s something else to it that Sunghoon can’t quite figure out until he’s in his mother’s car on the way home later that night. 

Oh, Jongseong likes Heeseung hyung, doesn’t he? 

Being an idol trainee, Sunghoon realizes, is surprisingly a lot of fun. 

Sure, there’s the intense monthly evaluations that Sunghoon dreads, but it’s a lot easier to go through when he has to do them with the other trainees. Compared to the figure skating tests and competitions Sunghoon has done for the past eight years, monthly evaluations are a godsend. 

Not only does Sunghoon get to hang out with his friends for hours on end and practice something he genuinely enjoys doing, but also because the burden and pressure of excelling at something is shared with multiple others. 

The first time he feels it is during a late-night dance practice in his third week of trainee life. 

Jongseong is halfway through correcting a move Sunghoon had been stuck on, tirelessly explaining as he twisted and bent his own body. Only the two of them are in the Bighit practice room, the clock on the wall proudly displaying ‘2:43am’.

“Do you get it?” Jongseong asks. 

“I think so,” Sunghoon nods, repeating the move Jongseong had just taught him. 

Jongseong clicks his tongue. “No, no. It’s still wrong. Here, let me.” 

Before Sunghoon can process anything, Jongseong is gripping onto Sunghoon’s wrists with both of his hands. Sunghoon draws in a sharp  breath, his eyes flying wide open as Jongseong moves his wrists in the air. 

“You go in,” Jongseong says, his warm breath fanning dangerously close to Sunghoon’s face, “then you go up, before you go here and this one goes there.” 

Nothing Jongseong says goes into Sunghoon’s head - Sunghoon’s too busy trying not to breathe as the older boy’s eyes flick down to his. “You see?” Jongseong asks softly. 

Sunghoon blinks in response. Speak, you idiot! Say something! 

Jongseong has freckles dusted along his cheeks, Sunghoon notices. 

“Uhuh,” Sunghoon lamely mumbles. 

Jongseong steps away from him, finally letting Sunghoon breathe once again. The younger boy’s heart pounds in his chest, thumping so loudly that he’s sure Jongseong could hear it. He feels his ears go red and oh, his cheeks feel warm too. 

“Should we call it a day? You look tired,” Jongseong remarks, already walking over to the water dispenser. 

Sunghoon swallows dryly as he tries to allow the air back in his lungs. He shakes his head. “No, I need to get this down before evaluations. I don’t have time to rest.” 

Jongseong makes a surprised sound, balancing two cups of water in his hands. “Dude, we have until next week. Don’t worry, we’ll nail it by then.” 

“But it won’t be perfect at this rate,” Sunghoon sighs. “I think it’s better if we just keep working at it for a while more.” 

“Sunghoon-ah,” Jongseong forces a cup of water into his hands, which Sunghoon gratefully accepts and chugs down. “It’s almost 3am. Let’s at least take a break first, okay?” 

The younger boy sighs in defeat before nodding, slumping down onto the floor. A throbbing pain on his back causes him to hiss. Jongseong peers at his friend through the top of his cup. “What’s wrong? Are you injured?” 

Sunghoon shakes his head. “No, but my shoulder has been killing me.” 

“Is it a knot in your shoulder?” 

“I think so,” Sunghoon mumbles, reaching a hand to press on his shoulder. 

Jongseong swats his hand away before kneeling down behind him. A pair of hands press onto his shoulder. “Is it here?” 

Sunghoon feels like he might suffocate again. He feels his neck suddenly heat up. “U-Uh- it’s.. I think so?” 

It’s quiet as Jongseong works his fingers against Sunghoon’s skin, trying to soothe the pain on his shoulder. Sunghoon’s skin feels like it’s being lit on fire and the silence just makes him feel even more choked up. 

“Do you always work this hard?” Jongseong murmurs gently. “This isn’t your first time staying here past midnight, right?” 

Sunghoon struggles to answer Jongseong with a steady voice. “Yeah. It’s fine, I’m used to it.” 

“I’ve seen a lot of new trainees since I’ve joined and I don’t think anyone works as hard as you,” Jongseong chuckles. “It’s nice, but you should get more rest. Mental and physical wellness, all that jazz. You know what I mean?” 

Sunghoon sighs as the pain in his shoulder slowly starts to subside. Were Jongseong’s hands made out of magic? 

“I guess,” Sunghoon plays with the paper cup mindlessly. “But I feel like it’s a waste if I don’t practice as much as I should.” 

“As much as you should?” 

“Yeah,” Sunghoon shrugs, earning a whack on the shoulder from Jongseong. He hisses before he hears Jongseong’s airy laugh and apology. “I don’t know.. It’s just something that’s been ingrained in me since I started skating competitively. Because if I fail, I can live with that failure knowing that I tried my best, that I worked really hard and trained really hard. So if I don’t get the results I want, I can still be okay with it and move on. Does that make sense?” 

Jongseong hums understandingly, looking at Sunghoon through the reflection of the mirror. “No, I get it. That’s how I feel too, I just never know how to put it into words.” 

They’re quiet again for a while, just the hum of the studio aircon accompanying their silence. 

“You know,” Jongseong says after a few minutes, “I used to watch the Olympics with my parents when I was a kid. My mother’s favourite was the Winter Olympics though, mostly because she loves figure skating.” 

“There’s this skater she loves, I don’t remember her name but she’s Russian. She always skates really prettily and she’s fantastic and all - but during this one Olympics, she must’ve had a bad day or something,” Jongseong recalls. “She fell like four times, pretty sure on every jump she tried to do until she just stopped doing them for the rest of the routine.” 

“It was hard to watch, so I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to be her at that moment. To fall so many times and somehow, still have the courage and dignity to get back up and continue.” 

Sunghoon watches as Jongseong slowly stops massaging his shoulder, choosing to just sit behind him with a small crooked smile on his face. 

“I saw that as a kid and it impressed me so much. I think, somewhere in my head, I always think of her when I go through shit. If that world-class athlete can pick herself up after every fall and keep going with her head held high, so can I.” 

Jongseong’s eyes flicker back to Sunghoon through the mirror. “I think it’s really cool that you’re like that too. Not a lot of people have the courage to do that. It’s awesome, you’re awesome. Which is exactly why you’ll kick ass at our evaluations - so much ass that you won’t have to think about comforting yourself with all your hard work. You’ll just celebrate.” 

Sunghoon feels a flourish of something warm burst in his heart. There’s butterflies in his stomach as he stares at Jongseong, a desire to just have him overwhelming Sunghoon. His mouth hangs a little open. 

Ah, shit. Sunghoon thinks. Not this again.  

Sunghoon doesn’t spend a lot of time with Heeseung before he leaves for BELIFT. There’s only a six month gap between Sunghoon joining Bighit and Heeseung’s debut confirmation - but it’s enough for them to form a somewhat close friendship. 

Everything Lee Heeseung does or says is treated like the holy grail. Getting Heeseung’s help or advice was just as precious as any rare diamond - his words were the word. Dozens of trainees admired him, including Sunghoon. When Heeseung smiled kindly at him and first called him ‘ Sunghoonie’ gently, Sunghoon could practically feel the other trainees’ jealousy. 

Sunghoon wonders if the other trainees would still feel that same jealousy if they were the ones getting the incessant texts from Heeseung. The sky is still dark outside Sunghoon’s window as he wakes up to the ear-piercing sound of his phone pinging at him. 

Lee Heeseung (Bighit)
hey sunghoonie!! sorry for bothering you again - just wanted to check in on jongseong.
how is he?
is he doing okay? 

He stares at the screen of his phone through sleepy eyes. It’s the third time this week.

me
same as always, hyung. he’s good. also haven’t seen him since last night..so. 

Lee Heeseung (Bighit)
oh ㅋㅋ right, right.
sorry for bothering you ㅠㅠ
don’t let jongseong know that you know but he blocked me so… can’t really talk to him anymore. 

Sunghoon sits up properly on his bed, rubbing his eyes. Did he read that right? 

me
what do you mean he blocked you??
is this why you keep texting me about him…?

Lee Heeseung (Bighit)
it’s complicated… just keep me updated if anything happens to him, okay?
take care of him, sunghoonie 

The nauseating concoction of confusion and curiosity stays with Sunghoon throughout the whole day - as he shoves his feet into his skates in the morning, as he sits on the subway train to the Bighit office, as he settles down next to Jongseong after dance practice. 

Now that he thinks about it, something has been off with Jongseong. The boy is a lot more quiet than usual, which is saying something. The change happens ever so subtly, but Sunghoon notices it because heck - he’s always looking at Jongseong. 

All Sunghoon knows is that things haven’t been the same since he sent Jongseong that weird Naver forum post about Heeseung - the rumours of him being gay and having a boyfriend making Sunghoon’s eyes bulge out of his head. 

Jongseong doesn’t even bother to make small talk as he leans against the practice room wall, slowly sipping an isotonic drink. 

Sunghoon plays with a loose thread on his trainers. 

“Jongseong-ah?” 

The older boy hums, his eyes unblinking as he zones out on a spot far away from them. 

“Heeseung hyung keeps texting me,” Sunghoon breaks it to him softly. “Are you guys.. You know. Okay?” 

Jongseong doesn’t reply. There’s a faraway look in his eyes, a gaze Sunghoon isn’t used to. Sunghoon takes his silence as his answer and he just nods, dropping the subject. They sit side by side against the beige wall, their arms pressed closely together. Sunghoon can feel Jongseong’s warmth against his own cold skin. 

A weight falls on his shoulder. Sunghoon turns to see Jongseong resting his head right along the curve of Sunghoon’s neck. Jongseong’s dark hair tickles Sunghoon’s skin in the most heart-fluttering way. 

The tiny, horrible part hidden in the darkest depths of Sunghoon’s head swoons. Maybe. Maybe, I’ll have a chance now. 

That hope just swells up into an uncontrollable, sweltering blister. It grows bit by bit, months of Jongseong clinging onto Sunghoon passing by as he tries to heal himself from whatever happened with Heeseung.  

It only gets worse when they’re standing at a BTS concert together, masks pulled over half of their faces as their sunbaenims dance and sing on stage like their lives depended on it. Sunghoon can practically feel the bass of the massive speakers in his chest, the music almost deafening his ears. But he doesn’t mind any of it at all, because Sunghoon suddenly becomes aware of two things. 

One, he wants to be an idol. 

(The screaming from fans all around him, the exciting choreographies and the epic songs all solidify his newly found ambition. Sunghoon has never felt more alive in his entire life. It’s as if the music and the lights and the crowds light up a spark in him, something that finally feels right.) 

Two, he’s in love with Park Jongseong. 

(Jongseong lets out the highest-pitched scream Sunghoon has ever heard in his life, rivalling the dozens of other screaming fans behind them. Sunghoon presses his palm to his ears, giggling loudly as Jongseong holds onto that same arm. He turns to Sunghoon with his twinkling eyes. 

“Sunghoon-ah, are you seeing this? This is crazy!” Jongseong yells over the music. 

Sunghoon looks back at Jongseong. Everything else gets drowned by the sparkle in Jongseong’s eyes and the warmth slithering up Sunghoon’s chest. He wants to stop this moment, this tiny bubble only meant for the two of them. Sunghoon wants to keep it in a folder in his head - just so he can replay this over and over again whenever the emptiness gets too jarring.

The truth hits him like a searing hot iron.) 

They sign the contracts for the survival show, giving up every bit of freedom and sanity for a chance to debut. There is zero doubt in Jongseong’s mind when the Bighit staff offers the opportunity, so Sunghoon follows suit pretty quickly. 

Hanging up his skates for good honestly feels more relieving than sad. If Sunghoon is being completely honest with himself (and he has been for the past two years), he knows that staying stagnant at seventh place for most of his competitions isn’t really a good thing anymore. When he brings up retiring to his mother on the morning after the first survival show meeting, she’s anything but pleased. 

“Sunghoon-ah, you’ve spent the past ten years of your life on this,” she says exasperatedly, “Are you just going to throw it all away? For what - to become an idol? Do you even know if you’ll debut?” 

The question throws Sunghoon off a little, a sharp pang of hurt stabbing his heart. His own mother’s doubt - it’s a painful thing that just makes the dimly lit fire in his chest burn even brighter. 

“I’ll show you, Mom,” Sunghoon utters softly, the big white envelope gripped tightly in his hands, “I’ll prove to you that I can debut.” 

She opens her mouth to argue but Sunghoon already has his mind set on what he wants. 

What he wants is to stand on stage - to sing and dance and perform for people.  He doesn’t want to spend any more time at an ice rink, spending lonely cold mornings and afternoons practicing for something that he knows he’s no longer good at. He doesn’t want to be seventh best anymore, he’s tired of it. 

Sunghoon tries again, holding out the envelope towards his mother. 

“Mom, please,” Sunghoon practically begs. “I really, really want to do this. I think I can do it, the company wants me to go for it, Mom. Doesn’t that mean something?” 

His mother lets out a heavy sigh, her eyebrows creased with worry. Her mind reels with memories of a bright-eyed Sunghoon, putting on his skates for the first time. She recalls the way Sunghoon slowly crawls out of his shell during his first figure skating class. She remembers the smile the ice coaxes out of the shy boy, his eyes shining in a way she had never seen before. 

“I don’t know, Sunghoon-ah,” she mumbles. 

Sunghoon puts down the contract on the dining table, his arms reaching out for his mother’s wrist. He slides his hands into hers, peering up at his mother pleadingly. 

“I’ll make this all worth it,” he pleads, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’ll make sure that everything you and Dad have done for me will be worthwhile. Just let me do this, Mom. I promise I’ll debut and show you that it was all worth it.” 

Although her heart fills with nothing but hesitation, Sunghoon’s mother knows there’s nothing she can say that will change his mind. But there’s something strangely familiar about the way Sunghoon’s looking at her. It warms her heart when she realizes it. 

Sunghoon is looking at her the exact same way he did when he first watched Kim Yuna at the Olympics. His wide eyes glitter with the same kind of fascination from all those years ago. 

Reluctantly, she caves in. 

“Let me read the contract first,” she utters. 

They’re allowed to bring only two bags to the I-LAND building. The staff make a big fuss about how all the contestants are expected to wear sponsored clothing from different brands, so everyone agrees to just bring the utmost essentials. A staff member passes out a checklist to the trainees a week before they’re supposed to officially leave for the show. 

On the bottom of the checklist are three lines that cause Sunghoon to panic. 

‘All participants are to surrender their smart/mobile phones before production begins. Strictly no electronics are allowed. If found to be in possession of any electronics, participants will be forcefully withdrawn from the show - no exceptions.’ 

Sunghoon wants to cry when he sees his phone locked up in a ziploc bag. There it is - the only thing that could keep me grounded and sane locked away like some kind of convict. 

“Goodbye, my baby,” Jongseong sighs, watching as the staff member slips their two ziploc bags into a box. “I’ll see you when I’m free from this prison. Wait for me.” 

A nervous giggle rolls out of Sunghoon, but his fake smile betrays him. Jongseong tilts his head at the younger boy, an eyebrow quirked up. 

“You okay, dude?” 

Sunghoon brushes his hair back through his fingers, his eyes scanning the greenery around them. No matter where Sunghoon looks, he’s just met with the sight of trees and more trees. Mnet was clearly not joking when they mentioned that they would be kept away from the city, Sunghoon doesn’t even know what city they’re in. Are they even in Korea? 

“I’m okay,” Sunghoon manages to say. “Just nervous.”

“I am too,” Jongseong nods. He places what should be a reassuring hand on Sunghoon’s shoulder, squeezing it slightly. “But we will be okay. Trust me.” 

Sunghoon feels like his throat might close up permanently - maybe then he wouldn’t have to sing and he wouldn’t have to go through with this. Mnet wouldn’t want a mute singer, right? It’s almost a fool-proof plan - a perfect one to get him out of doing this. 

Except Jongseong isn’t enough to make him go mute, and Sunghoon knows that he’s the one who digged himself into this hole. 

Maybe signing away his freedom in exchange for three months trapped in a secluded building in the middle of butt fuck nowhere with the boy he’s in love with wasn’t such a brilliant idea after all. As if that wasn’t enough, Sunghoon only becomes really aware of all the cameras watching them when he steps into I-LAND for the first time. There are cameras literally everywhere - in the corner of every room, behind the practice room mirrors and in every nook and cranny between all kinds of furniture. 

“Yeah,” Sunghoon can only breathlessly laugh. 

Oh, he’s fucked. And millions of people around the world are going to get first class seats for the ride. 

They’re two weeks into production when Sunghoon formally meets Kim Sunoo. 

At the entry test, Sunghoon catches himself grinning from ear to ear as the bright-eyed boy sings ‘Crown’ at the top of his lungs. Sunghoon can’t stop himself from smiling, the boy in white’s stage presence is so charming and bright and bubbly that it nearly blinds Sunghoon. 

He doesn’t hesitate to raise his hand for Sunoo and his two other friends. Of course they deserved to be in I-LAND, there was no doubt in his mind. The three of them easily outshine other trainees who have been around for double, if not triple, the amount of time at Bighit. 

But he barely gets to say anything to Sunoo before he’s voted out of I-LAND. Sunghoon only gets to see that blinding smile again after their first test. 

Sunghoon’s peering down at the dishes in the sink, his arms protected by pink rubber gloves. He’s lost in his own thoughts, his hands scrubbing the same plate for a while now. Washing the dishes feels a little lonely now that Jongseong has been sent to the Ground and the newfound loneliness makes Sunghoon want to dunk his head into the sink full of water. 

He misses Jongseong already. And the elimination was literally just an hour ago. 

A shadow falls over the pile of glass bowls. 

“Oh?” Sunoo exclaims, stopping right beside Sunghoon. “Should I help you wash these, hyung?” 

The water flowing out of the tap slowly is freezing cold, but the younger boy’s suggestion warms Sunghoon a little. He shakes his head. “It’s okay, hyung will do it. Thank you, though.” 

He expects Sunoo to turn around and go back to Jaebeom, but he doesn’t move from his spot next to Sunghoon. 

Sunoo fidgets with his hands, shifting in between his feet. “Sunghoon hyung, are you close with Jake hyung?” 

“Yeah,” Sunghoon answers simply. He thinks of the Australian boy not too far away from them, in the midst of conversation with K and Jungwon. 

The two clicked right away after the first test - which was surprising. Sunghoon was usually quite shy with other people and he had promised himself to try harder once he was here, but it was harder said than done. Thank God Jake was almost too friendly with everyone (and so endearingly overly polite). Within a few days, Jake and Sunghoon were already following each other around. 

“You guys are close already?” Sunoo asks again. Why is this kid so curious about him and Jake? 

“Yes,” Sunghoon nods. After half a second, Sunghoon adds. “Jake is cute.” 

 There’s barely any time for Sunghoon to process what’s happening before the sentence comes rolling out of Sunoo’s mouth. 

“I’m cuter,” Sunoo’s voice inches up an octave. Sunghoon can’t help the awkward chuckle as Sunoo sheepishly apologizes, giggling at his own actions. 

“Sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay,” Sunghoon awkwardly laughs. 

“I want to be friends with you too,” Sunoo boldly admits. Sunghoon’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he faces Sunoo, his hands still gripping onto a metal bowl. His brain short circuits, like an old computer falling victim to a glitch. 

“Me?” Sunghoon doesn’t hide the surprise in his voice. He searches Sunoo’s face for something - anything to justify the way his heart just skipped a beat. 

There’s nothing but a small but genuine smile on Sunoo’s face. His apple-like cheeks are dusted a faint pink, his eyes squinted into hopeful little crescents. Sunghoon’s heart stumbles past another beat again. 

“Sure,” Sunghoon utters. “We can be closer.” 

The satisfaction that oozes out of Sunoo stays imprinted in Sunghoon’s mind for a very long time. 

Later that night, it finally hits Sunghoon as he’s slowly nodding off to sleep. 

Oh. No one has ever told me that they wanted to be friends with me before. 

The next few weeks fly by Sunghoon like a bullet train on steroids. It’s all a blur really - test after test after test. Trainees cry as they are sent away to the Ground but Sunghoon doesn’t cry once. All those years of competitive skating had instilled this precious ability to mask whatever Sunghoon was really feeling, so he plasters on the best poker face he can muster whenever his heart aches. He watches some of his old friends leave one by one, but Sunoo’s departure in particular leaves an extremely bitter taste in his mouth. 

The two don’t get much time to bond, but Sunoo was always nothing but kind to Sunghoon. 

(The trainees bustle about in the dining room, trying to stuff their last few spoonfuls of food into their mouths as they rush to finish their meals. Sunghoon is a slow eater, so he lets the others leave their dishes on the table while they scurry off back into the practice room downstairs. 

He smiles and lets everyone know ‘it’s fine, I don’t mind washing the dishes again’, even though he actually does mind. He needs to practice too. Besides, weren’t all these guys grown ass kids? Can’t they just wash their own dishes? Did their parents not teach them to - whatever. It’s fine. It’s literally fine. 

Sunghoon sighs to himself as he sees the stacks of plates and bowls in front of him. 

“Sunghoonie hyung.” 

Sunghoon whips his head around, startling himself. He nearly drops his spoon into his bowl of stew. I swear I was alone. 

Sunoo stares back at him with a concerned pout. He’s cradling his own bowl and chopsticks in his hands, a canned drink in the crook of his arm. “Are you not done with your food?” 

The older boy shakes his head, “No. You can leave your bowl with the others, I’ll wash them.”

Instead of doing as he says, Sunoo silently gathers the stacks of plates before putting them into the sink gently. He moves to put on the long pink rubber gloves, a determined look etched on his face. 

“Sunoo-ah, it’s okay,” Sunghoon protests. He’s instantly shut down by Sunoo’s haughty frown, although it’s not actually venomous in any way. 

“Hyung, I’ll do it. Just finish your food and join the others, okay? You already washed for everyone yesterday.” 

Sunghoon doesn’t know what to say as Sunoo starts to wash the dishes, humming along to some song Sunghoon doesn’t recognize. The sound of the tap flowing accompanies their silence, the scrub against the glass plates squeaking softly. Sunghoon swallows the lump in his throat as he blinks slowly. 

“Thank you, Sunoo-ah,” Sunghoon meekly says. 

Sunoo just throws him a reassuring smile, his eyes curved into those cute little crescents. “It’s nothing, hyung. Just finish your food.”) 

The kindness shouldn’t feel like something new, of course there had been people in Sunghoon’s life who did things for him and liked him for who he was. But there was just something different about Sunoo - something that Sunghoon can’t really figure out. 

He doesn’t get much time to think about it anyways, because Sunoo leaves I-LAND just as fast as he makes it back in. Sunghoon shoves the bright-eyed boy back into the back of his mind, into a corner he’ll neglect for some time.

The second last test before the end of Part One comes and it’s a representative test - units of two singers and three dancers from I-LAND would go up against the Grounder’s. Sunghoon hears the trainees behind him discussing who should represent the group and frankly, Sunghoon is a tiny bit disappointed that no one throws his name into the discussion. Still, he reminds himself to not be selfish. 

The dance trio was almost too perfect - K, Jungwon and Jongseong. Sunghoon’s slight disappointment immediately vanishes when he sees how proud Jongseong was, the glint in his eyes coming back alive after a disappointing week. 

It makes Sunghoon all sick with nausea when K suddenly suggests switching Jongseong out with him. He’s wide-eyed throughout the whole thing, watching Jongseong carefully as the older trainee gently breaks it to him. Sunghoon isn’t an idiot, the sadness on Jongseong’s face is noticeable from a mile away. But Jongseong reassures Sunghoon anyways, telling him that it’s fine and he would be okay. 

Sunghoon doesn’t believe him. He’s not an idiot, right? 

The building is quiet once again after dinner, most of the trainees choosing to hang out in the bedrooms. Sunghoon hasn’t seen Jongseong since their meal together - but even then, Jongseong was uncharacteristically silent. It makes Sunghoon’s heart ache so much that he loses his appetite halfway through his meal.

Words are not Sunghoon’s specialty at all. He’s spent so many years keeping things bottled up inside of him that he’s just used to staying quiet about how he really feels. Unlike Sunghoon, Jongseong is nothing like that. In their years of friendship and just being together, Sunghoon knows Jongseong would be bursting at the seams, itching to let out his frustration and sadness. 

Sunghoon wants to be that for him - and he has for a few months now. He’s used to Jongseong coming to him first, whether it be through a text or an invitation for a walk. 

He feels his heart sting with a painful poke when he sees it. 

Jongseong is sitting cross-legged in front of K, his arms curled around the older boy’s neck. From the way Jongseong’s shoulders are shaking, Sunghoon can tell he’s crying. He hears the familiar sobs softly wandering out of the practice room as he stands outside the door. 

Sunghoon stays rooted to the ground, his heart sinking way below the ground. 

Why did you go to him first? 

When they win the representative challenge, Sunghoon doesn’t hold back his victorious squeal. It had been too close - the I-LAND representatives were good and their self-made choreography was (in Sunghoon’s humble opinion)  way better than the Grounders’. But the Grounders had Ni-ki, who was undoubtedly the best dancer in all of I-LAND. 

The I-LAND vocal team, however, just run short of a few points as Sunoo and Daniel’s performance takes the lead. It would’ve been a crime to not let them win, everyone knows that. 

With every melodious sound that comes out of Sunoo’s mouth and the fragile gaze he has, Sunghoon feels himself lower down his walls for a second. He forgets that he’s in a survival show. Instead, he’s just part of a mere audience watching the most heart wrenching performance he’s ever seen. Sunoo sings with so much emotion that Sunghoon thinks he might actually cry. He doesn’t, of course. He blinks them back before the tears can spill. But the lyrics float around in his head as he watches them in a daze. 

So when the massive LED screen behind them shows a big, bold ‘154’, Sunghoon can’t help but scream with joy. He’s instantly enveloped in a group hug with everyone, their giggles and encouragements ringing out through the circle. 

They break apart after a while to see the Grounders consoling each other. Sunghoon is still in K’s grip, his arm hung tight around his shoulders. 

But he catches Sunoo’s glance as the younger boy’s eyes flick over towards him. Sunoo, who has his chin hooked over Ni-ki’s shoulder in a hug, looks right back at Sunghoon. 

The words roll out of his mouth before he can stop them. 

‘You did well,’ Sunghoon mouths. 

Sunoo’s smile is kind, although the sadness still dances in his eyes. He does a little nod to acknowledge him before mouthing something back. 

‘You were really cool.’ 

Even after Jongseong carries him bridal style around the lobby while screaming and shouting praises for him, Sunghoon’s mind ends up drifting elsewhere that night. Right when he’s snugly underneath the white duvet in the I-LAND bedroom, he wonders if Sunoo is okay. 

Sunghoon safely makes it to the Top 12, which he silently thanks all the known deities above for. He’s not even sure if he believes in religion or whatsoever - but he thanks the big mighty man (or woman, Sunghoon won’t be disappointed either way) in the sky for this. 

He stands with the other trainees as they start to call out the Grounders who made it one by one. When Kim Sunoo’s name booms out throughout the lobby, Sunghoon feels his heart prickle with relief. 

Ten trainees left. Bile rises in his throat when the global rankings are revealed again. 

Jongseong’s name doesn’t get called out until the very end - his virtual flag rolling down at tenth place. Sunghoon turns to face him, already seeing the grief flood Jongseong’s features. The grief carries Jongseong throughout the next few days and it’s evident by the way he acts. 

On the night before eliminations, Jongseong perches next to Sunghoon on his bed. 

“Don’t read it until after the eliminations,” Jongseong mumbles, shoving an envelope into his hands. 

Of course, Sunghoon doesn’t listen. He waits for Jongseong to walk out of the room before tearing open the envelope, his curiosity getting the best of him. 

‘My one and only unit - Sunghoon-ah. I’m not good at expressing my feelings, but I really like you. I hope the world recognizes just how hard you work. I know you can make it.’ 

The words echo in Sunghoon’s head, as if Jongseong was reading them out to him right then. Somewhere in the room, Jungwon is also quietly reading his own letter but Sunghoon feels himself shut down from everything and everyone else. 

Forget debuting - Sunghoon doesn’t want to say goodbye to Jongseong. 

He quietly gets up from his bed and tucks the letter under his pillow, quickly slipping his feet into his slippers. Peeking his head out of the bedroom door, Sunghoon wanders around the different rooms until he sees Jongseong sitting in the kitchen alone. There’s an opened bottle of honey in front of him. 

“Jongseong-ah,” Sunghoon calls out, slowly approaching the older boy. He looks up from the table, his shoulders relaxing when he sees that it’s just Sunghoon. “You shouldn’t eat honey like that, you’ll get sick.” 

Jongseong chuckles humourlessly. “You sound like my mother.” 

“Yeah, I’m channeling my inner Mrs Park so you can stop eating honey like Winnie The Pooh,” Sunghoon drawls out, sliding into the seat next to Jongseong. He takes the bottle of honey and caps it shut, putting it far away from the older boy. “Seriously, Jongseong-ah. Or else we’ll have to check you into honey rehab or something.” 

“That’s not a thing,” Jongseong snorts. 

“I’ll find someplace just for you.” 

A silence folds over them once their giggles subside. There’s an unspoken thing hanging in the air between them, but Sunghoon can’t seem to find the right words for it. If Jongseong was bad at expressing feelings, then Sunghoon was absolutely hopeless. 

He wants to say a million things, all to comfort and reassure Jongseong that he’ll be okay, that he won’t be leaving tomorrow and that the global audience of this cursed survival show would be absolutely stupid to not vote for him. 

But he doesn’t say any of it. 

Instead, he just tilts his head and rests it on Jongseong’s shoulder. Sunghoon pats Jongseong’s hand softly. From beside him, he hears Jongseong sigh heavily. Jongseong presses his cheek against Sunghoon’s head. 

They don’t say anything, but their shared quiet speaks louder than anything else. 

Jongseong ends up being third and Sunghoon feels his own heart threaten to explode out of his chest. There’s a nauseating mix of emotions that makes him all weak in the legs. 

Jongseong’s safe. Why hasn’t my name been called out yet?  

His name gets called out fifth. He drops two rankings from the previous week and Sunghoon tries to stuff the disappointment into the back of his head. 

Jongseong greets him with a hug first and he falls into it as he always does. Everything feels heavier inside of him though and there’s an icky-ness that etches its way onto his skin. He’s felt it before - plenty of times at multiple skating rinks. It makes his heart feel just as freezing cold, an emotion Sunghoon can only figure out as disappointment. 

Once there are only eight trainees left, Sunghoon finally lets himself think about everything. 

He’s been running so fast towards an end for the past few weeks that he barely has any time to actually let his brain take hold of anything that isn’t a new song or a new choreography. Everything shakes him like a 8.0 magnitude earthquake and Sunghoon loses his footing. 

It all happens on the inside, at least. 

He is sitting next to Jongseong on his bed, taking in every word Jongseong whispers to him. They turn off their mic packs quietly as Jongseong finally decides to spill about Heeseung. 

And God, does Sunghoon regret ever asking. 

Maybe living in his tiny bubble of ignorance would have hurt way less. 

But exhaustion nips at his skin for the whole day and Sunghoon barely notices what little rationality he had left in him, wearing away bit by bit. The curiosity creeps up on him, and the answers that he’s given shocks him to a point that Sunghoon feels dazed by the end of it. 

“Heeseung hyung and I were.. A thing,” Jongseong whispers and Sunghoon feels his entire world collapse. “I mean - we never called each other boyfriends or anything but we did the whole thing. Kiss, hold hands, all that couple-y stuff.” 

There’s something stuck in Sunghoon’s throat as he struggles to breathe. He nods his head quietly, cradling the bolster closer to his chest. 

“I was the one who kissed him first,” Jongseong recalls. “I don’t know, he was just looking at me and I felt like if I didn’t kiss him then, it would never happen. He kissed me back but then, like immediately after,” - a breathy chuckle - “he tells me that he’s going to debut.” 

Sunghoon just raises his eyebrows, trying his best to maintain the poker face. Not now, he thinks, hold it in. Hold it in. He bites the bottom of his lip to stop it from trembling. 

“I liked him for a really long time. I didn’t expect him to like me back because he’s Heeseung hyung, you know? Cool, amazing, way out of my league Heeseung hyung. So when he kissed me back, I felt like my heart was going to explode.” 

The question hangs at the tip of Sunghoon’s tongue. He stays silent until Jongseong is done telling him everything. 

But Sunghoon feels like he doesn’t even have to ask. He looks over at Jongseong as the older boy plays with his Chimmy doll’s foot mindlessly. His sharp eyes are glassy and there’s a faraway look on his face. 

Of course. He still likes him. 

The realization shouldn’t take all the oxygen from his lungs like this, but it happens anyways. 

“I need the toilet,” Sunghoon manages to say, stumbling out of the bed. “Go to bed. We have to wake up in a few hours.” 

“Sunghoon-ah, there’s a restroom here,” he hears Jongseong holler, but Sunghoon is already closing the door  behind him. 

He doesn’t let himself breathe until he’s seated on the lobby stairway steps, one place he knows the cameras can’t catch him in. Sunghoon presses his arms onto his thighs, crouching so that his hands are buried in his hair. He shuts his eyes tightly. 

“Don’t cry,” he mumbles to himself. “Don’t.” 

Not over Jongseong. He’s not going to let himself cry over a boy. Nope. 

The blister of hope vanishes just as quickly as it grows. Sunghoon mourns over it - the weight of Jongseong’s head on his shoulder, the lingering touches, the crooked smiles, the late night walks after practice. He drowns in his own emotions, a nauseating mix of jealousy, disappointment, anger and guilt. He’d been dreaming after a boy that was never his to begin with - and somehow, Sunghoon knows that he should’ve known better. 

It wasn’t like the red flags weren’t always there. They always were. Jongseong would never like him, of course he wouldn’t. But Sunghoon had let the hope in his head get to him and he chose to look at everything through his dumb rose-tinted glasses. 

Sunghoon feels the same as he did years ago outside the Taereung rink. 

He just feels stupid.

Somehow, Sunghoon manages to rationalise his own heartbreak. He’s not even an hour past his meltdown on the stairway, but he’s already psyched himself up to not let this affect his final performance. 

All those years of hard work in the Bighit practice rooms would not be for nothing. All those hours he’s spent dancing and dancing until he can’t feel his limbs anymore and all those hours of singing and singing until his throat runs dry - he can’t let any of that be futile. He’s not going to let his parents’ sacrifices go to waste, he’s made a promise to show them that this would all be worth it. Sunghoon needs to debut. 

And then, he does. 

Sunghoon comes in fifth, which is dangerously close to not making it in - but he’s thankful either way  . 

He feels his legs give way as he holds onto the boy beside him. There are a million things running through his head at the moment and Sunghoon feels like he might choke on his own breath. 

“Hyungie,” someone whispers in his ear, his voice all familiar and sweet, “oh my God, hyung. You’re in, oh my God! You need to get up now, they’re all waiting for you.” 

Sunghoon opens his eyes as he turns his head towards Sunoo, feeling the younger boy’s comforting rub on his back. He’s smiling back at Sunghoon, his eyes curved into those little crescents Sunghoon has just gotten familiar with. 

Sunghoon hugs him briefly, his heart sinking when he realized oh God, I thought you would make it. 

As if he senses Sunghoon’s wavering doubt, Sunoo pats his shoulder one last time before smiling warmly again - as if to say, I’ll be fine. Go.

Sunghoon stumbles through his thank you speech as he blinks frantically, trying to stop himself from crying. He tries to keep his voice steady as he thanks all the people he can remember off the top of his head, his hands wringing the mic tightly over and over again. 

Once he’s done with his little speech, Sunghoon trudges over to the platforms, his legs nearly giving way again. 

He’s later enveloped in a hug from Jungwon, before Jake forces his way through everyone just to give him the biggest bro handshake and hug. He gleefully chuckles in Sunghoon’s ear, whispering a soft ‘we did it’ under his breath. Ni-ki pats Sunghoon on the shoulder, smiling from ear to ear. 

When he’s face to face with Jongseong, Sunghoon forces himself to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth. We’re a team now. I can’t be like this anymore. 

It’s easier said than done, but Jongseong is still Sunghoon’s friend first and foremost, so he leans into the hug that Jongseong envelops him in. Sunghoon makes a silent promise to himself as Jongseong grips his shoulders tighter. 

This is the last time I’ll feel dizzy for you. 

If there’s one thing Sunghoon can pride himself on, it’s the amount of effort he puts into anything he cares about. He’s the same person who thinks carefully about what he should eat for his meals and he’s the same person who spends way too long in front of Enhypen’s shared clothing racks. Sunghoon is the one who goes over each tiny detail of their new choreographies with Ni-ki, constantly checking everyone else for mistakes. 

So it’s no surprise when Sunghoon begs Sunoo to do his hair that morning.

Sunghoon catches Sunoo halfway through a fruit jelly cup and he meekly pleads for Sunoo’s help, throwing in some words about how helpless he is at styling his own hair.

In true Kim Sunoo fashion, he gives in to Sunghoon’s request - knowing that he’s definitely going to use this as ammunition against the older one day. The makeup room is quiet except for them, since the other members are still in the bedroom sleeping. Sunoo sits Sunghoon down in front one of the vanities as he hovers around the room, finding all the hair products and his favourite hair straightener. 

“You should be paying me for my services,” Sunoo remarks lightheartedly. He settles down behind the older boy as he plugs the straightener into the outlet. 

“Fine, I’ll give you 5% of my paycheck,” Sunghoon shoots back. “But you have to style it well, don’t make it ugly.” 

“Yah 5%? That’s all my skills are worth to you?” the younger exclaims, stepping away from Sunghoon with his lips jutted out in a playful pout. “Whatever -- do your own hair, you cheapskate.” 

Sunghoon giggles, turning around to catch Sunoo’s hoodie sleeve in his head. He tugs back Sunoo gently. “I’m just kidding, Sunoo-yah. Come back and help me, please.” 

Sunoo can’t help his own laughter from rolling out of him as he lets Sunghoon drag him back. “When have I ever made your hair look bad, hyung?” 

“You’re right, you’re right,” Sunghoon grins from his seat. “You have never. No one styles my hair better than you do.” 

Sunoo’s lips curl upwards in a smile. “That’s right. Now, shush. I’ll start styling your hair now, sir.” 

A comfortable silence hangs in the air as Sunoo gets to work, running his hands through Sunghoon’s still wet hair with some product. The sound of the heater whirring from the room accompanies their quiet. Sunoo starts singing some song under his breath softly. 

Sitting on the backless chair with Sunoo’s fingers in his hair feels cozy, Sunghoon thinks. It’s a nice change from all the chaos of work and schedules. His shoulders roll backwards as he relaxes, all the tension relieving from his body. 

“Sunghoon hyung?” 

Sunghoon hums with his eyes closed. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

A nod. 

“Did something happen between you and Jay hyung?” 

Sunghoon opens one eye and raises an eyebrow questioningly. “What are you talking about?” 

“Okay, don’t get mad and I’m sorry if I’m being intrusive but,” Sunoo sheepishly shrugs, “I don’t know, I’ve been watching the both of you closely and I feel like things have gotten weird between you two.” 

“In what way?” Sunghoon’s voice goes up an octave. He knows he’s being way too defensive already, but his heart is pumping at the speed of light now. “We’re not being weird.” 

“To be fair, I think it’s only you being weird,” Sunoo mumbles. 

“How?” 

Sunoo forces Sunghoon to look forward gently. “Hyung, don’t move. And I mean, I was with you guys a lot during I-LAND and the both of you would literally take any opportunity to tease each other, right? Like when we went to that dog cafe together for the reward and you said that the beagle looked like Jay hyung?” 

“It did,” Sunghoon mutters. “It looked exactly like him.” 

“Or when Jay hyung wrote us those letters and you teased him about it for like, an hour straight after the eliminations?” 

Sunghoon’s eyebrows furrow closely together. “Yeah, he said we could make fun of him for it so I did. What are you trying to say, Sunoo-yah?” 

“Ever since we became a group, it feels like you’re just nice to Jay hyung.” 

“So,” Sunghoon is way beyond confused right now. “You think something happened between Jay and I because I’m nice to him now?” 

Sunoo lets out a noise of frustration. “Yes. No! Okay, sort of? It’s like.. It’s like you guys aren’t close anymore or something, because you don’t ever tease him now and you’re always very curt with him these days.” 

Sunghoon opens his mouth to argue again, but closes it back when he tries to really think about it. It’s been three weeks since their final day at I-LAND, and it’s been a very busy and tiring three weeks. Sunghoon can barely remember to wear his shoes on the right foot these days, let alone his apparent micro-aggressions towards Jongseong. 

But even if there’s some truth in what Sunoo is saying, Sunghoon doesn’t really feel like unpacking it all on a random Tuesday morning. He has schedules to attend to later - song recordings and costume fittings for their debut, which is closing on them very soon. He forces the icky feeling blooming in his chest away. 

“You’re reading into things too much, Sunoo-ah,” Sunghoon dismisses. He manages a small smile, trying to pour as much assurance as he can into it. “Nothing’s wrong, okay? I’m just.. I’m just a little tired these days. We’ve been busy, you know.” 

Sunoo purses his lips. “Are you sure, hyung?” 

No. I feel like I’m going to suffocate whenever I’m with him. 

“Yes, Sunoo. Everything is okay.” 

The younger boy nods, even though he looks far from convinced. He continues to card his hands through Sunghoon’s hair, combing it slowly with a brush. His eyes flicker down to Sunghoon through the reflection of the mirror, a pensive look taking over his pretty features. 

“You know you can talk to us, right?” Sunoo says softly. “It doesn’t have to be me, it can be Jake hyung or Jungwonie or even Ni-ki. But don’t keep things to yourself, okay? Share it with the rest of us.” 

“You’re part of a team now, hyung. You don’t have to go through things alone anymore.” 

It’s a simple reminder - one that Sunghoon already knows. Nonetheless, it makes his heart feel heavier when he hears it. 

When Sunghoon was fifteen, he was invited to do a photoshoot with some magazine he had never heard of. He was more nervous than excited, because he’s never done something like this before and all the studio lights nearly blind him. The flashes from the camera startle him so much that he spends more time trying to blink his vision back to normal than posing for pictures. 

Someone sits Sunghoon down for an interview in front of a camera - a nice lady in her twenties with cat-eye glasses and pinned up hair. She asks easy questions at first, stuff that Sunghoon has already rehearsed with his mother. 

Then, she drops the million dollar question.

“Who’s your celebrity crush?” 

Sunghoon blames his parents for being obsessed with 2 Days & 1 Night when he was a kid, because Sunghoon’s entire gay-wakening was one shirtless Lee Seunggi. His mind instantly zeroes on that episode of the show, the gorgeous man knees deep in an ocean without a single layer of clothing on his chest.

How an image from nearly seven years ago could still be so crystal clear in Sunghoon’s mind was beyond him. 

His mother had reminded Sunghoon to be honest before the interview, saying that the readers could tell if Sunghoon wasn’t genuine about his answers. 

Instead of following his mother’s advice, Sunghoon blurts out the first thing he can think of that’s not Lee Seunggi’s chest. He hears ‘ Russian Roulette’ blast from a speaker behind him.

“Irene from Red Velvet,” Sunghoon answers, his eyes wide and his cheeks pink. 

Sunghoon has lied many times since then, but the burden of hiding his heartbreak was the hardest lie to carry. 

To be frank, Sunghoon had only experienced heartbreak once before Park Jongseong came along - and it had been at the peak of his puberty so really, Sunghoon’s devastation then came and went just as fast. 

Trying to get over Park Jongseong on his own was -- well, fucking difficult, even though Jongseong had done literally everything he could to unintentionally break Sunghoon’s heart. 

Sunghoon already has a list by the time they wrap up their debut promotions: 

1. Jongseong had disappeared one night only to come back at six in the morning with a dopey smile on his face. He attributes his good mood with two simple words that morning. “Heeseung hyung.” 
2. Jongseong revealed that he came out to Jungwon first. Sunghoon was the third person he came out to, despite knowing Jongseong for months longer than Jungwon did. But that was fine, whatever. Not that it matters anymore. 
3. Jongseong makes this really cute face whenever he gets a text notification. Whenever someone teases him about it (usually Jake or Sunoo), he leans his phone away and tells everyone to shut up. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. 
4. Jongseong takes a shit ton of selfies and pictures at their schedules and Sunghoon never sees them on Twitter or Weverse. He peeks at Jongseong’s phone over his shoulder at a shoot once and sees Jongseong staring at a selfie of Heeseung. Sunghoon notes to stop doing that. 
5. Just - Jongseong and Heeseung in general. 

When Christmas break comes (a godsend - three days of uninterrupted rest) , Sunghoon feels guilty for the relief that floods him. 

He’s sitting on the steps outside of their apartment, his overnight bag resting next to him. Sunoo perches on the edge of the stairway as he checks his bag one last time. The air outside makes Sunoo’s cheeks all pink and flushed, his hair flying all over the place with the wind. Sunghoon stifles a laugh as the younger boy finally settles down. 

“Why didn’t you wear a hat?” Sunghoon asks. 

“I left my beanie with Ni-ki,” Sunoo pouts. “He needed one because Jungwon took his.” 

Sunghoon just chuckles again before digging through the front pocket of his duffle bag. He forces a maroon beanie onto Sunoo’s head. “Stop letting Ni-ki hoard your things.” 

“I don’t let Ni-ki hoard my things, he just takes them without asking,” Sunoo protests softly, squinting his eyes at Sunghoon as he shifts the beanie on his head. “And you don’t have to lend me this.”

“Stop it, I know you’re cold. It’s freezing out here.” 

Sunoo gives in and lets Sunghoon tuck the back of his hair into the beanie. His eyes scrunch up in that cute eye-smile of his and Sunghoon wants to pat him on the head. 

“Thank you, hyung. I’ll wash it and give it back to you,” Sunoo promises. 

Sunghoon hums. “You’re dead meat if you give it to Ni-ki.” 

A giggle escapes Sunoo’s lips. Sunghoon makes the mistake of peeking down at them - how were they still so pink and smooth? Sunghoon unconsciously runs his tongue along his bottom lip. His are already cracked. Huh. 

“Where’s hyung-nim?” Sunoo mutters to himself, squinting at the road in front of them. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” 

“He said he had to park the car a few roads down,” a breath of mist clouds over Sunghoon’s lips. “We might have to wait a while.” 

Sunoo ‘ooh’s for a few seconds before leaning forward, hugging his knees close to his chest while blowing warm air into his hands. 

“What are your plans for Christmas, hyung?” Sunoo randomly asks, craning his head to peek over at Sunghoon. 

Sunghoon shrugs. “Not sure, maybe sleep. Do some exercise. Eat a lot of my mom’s food.” 

“Your mom’s galbijjim was delicious,” Sunoo notes.

An eyebrow raise. “You remember what her food tastes like? That was like months ago, during that final day at I-LAND.” 

“It was good,” Sunoo giggles. “It’s hard to forget good food when you eat it.” 

“I’ll bring some home for you if she cooks any,” Sunghoon pats Sunoo on the knee. “My mom would probably love it if I told her that you think it’s good.” 

“Good, tell her I said so.” 

“What about you? What will you do?” 

Sunoo cracks another smile. “I haven’t seen my noona for a really long time and she made me promise to tell her about everything that went on during I-LAND, so I’ll probably get interrogated about that.” 

“You’re going to gossip about all of us to her?” Sunghoon asks, his tone accusatory yet playful. 

“Just you and Jay hyung,” Sunoo teases. “She biases the both of you.” 

Sunghoon snickers. “Me and Jongseong?” 

“Okay but she’s my noona. Why am I not her bias?” Sunoo questions, gesturing his hands vaguely at Sunghoon. 

The older boy just laughs. “We can’t help it that we’re handsome.” 

“Ha ha,” Sunoo rolls his eyes. 

Sunghoon smirks to himself. “You didn’t deny it.” 

“As if you need me to reiterate the same thing thousands of people have been telling you,” Sunoo groans, puffing his cheeks out to blow more into his hands. 

Tell me anyways, I like hearing it from you. It doesn’t get old. 

Sunghoon grins, unable to stop it from growing wider as he glanced down at Sunoo. His cheeks are pinker than before, his lips stuck in an ‘o’ as he kept warming his hands with his breath.

The older boy silently reaches for Sunoo’s hands, shoving his smaller hands into the pockets of his padded jacket. Sunoo makes a noise of surprise as he gapes at Sunghoon. 

“W-What are you doing?” 

“I don’t have any heat packs with me so,” Sunghoon mumbles, feeling his own cheeks flush. Oh God, what was he doing? His hands blanket over Sunoo’s in his pockets, determined to give him more warmth. 

Sunoo stares up at him with his eyes wide open and his mouth still agape, his light brown irises twinkling. Were Sunoo’s eyes always this light and pretty? A snowflake gets caught in his eyelashes, but Sunghoon doesn’t really want to let go of Sunoo’s hands in his pockets. It’s warm and nice in there, so he lets the snowflake hang on the tip of his lashes. 

Sunoo visibly gulps, blinking slowly. 

A honk startles the both of them, Sunoo jumping in his seat. 

“What are you two doing?” their manager hollers from the SUV. “Get in quickly, it’s cold.” 

Somehow, Sunghoon feels colder when he lets go of Sunoo’s hands. 

Park Jongseong is a smart guy, Sunghoon knows that. There’s a vast and extensive treasure trove of knowledge in that boy’s head, but he’s also a little dense sometimes. Maybe they were just all too caught up in debut preparations and re-blossoming young loves from the past, so Sunghoon figures that Jongseong genuinely doesn’t know that he’s currently mourning a one-sided, two year long crush. 

Which is exactly why Sunghoon has to tell himself to breathe when he gets the text. 

park jongseong (bighit)
tell me why i just hugged heeseung hyung like a creep 

me
?????

park jongseong (bighit)
oh right context
i went over to his house and we hung out
you know he still remembers that i drink my tea with honey?????
yeah anyways he was walking me out the door and we just. Like ogled each other for five minutes.
swear i thought he was gonna kiss me but he didn't so i just left
and then i ran back and hugged him
……… ;;
what’s wrong with me 

me
.. that’s great? 

park jongseong (bighit)
it’s not?!!?!
i reek of desperation currently

Sunghoon throws his phone across his bed, digging his hands into his hair. 

“Fuck,” he whispers to himself. 

His phone pings again and Sunghoon sighs. He lifts his head to take a peek at his lockscreen when he sees a new notification. 

kim sunoo (en-) ┃ enhypen kindergarten
merry christmas, everyone!!!! ^^

Sunghoon eyes his phone for a while, chewing on the bottom of his lips. Before he can stop himself, Sunghoon snatches it off the mattress. His fingers jab at the screen quickly, clicking on the smiley profile picture. He lays back down as he waits for him to pick up.

“Sunghoon hyung?” 

“You were right,” Sunghoon blurts out. 

There was a brief pause on the other line. “I like being right but I also need to know what I was right about.” 

“Jongseong and I. I was being weird with him.” 

Sunghoon can hear the rustle of sheets from the other line as Sunoo hums into the receiver. 

“Ah, that.” 

The older boy swallows the lump in his throat, his voice barely above a whisper. “Yeah, that.” 

“Do you want to talk about it, hyung?” 

Hearing that lifts an unimaginable weight off his shoulders and suddenly, Sunghoon feels like he can breathe again. He fidgets on the bed. 

“Isn’t it too late for you?” Sunghoon asks softly. “I’m sorry.” 

“No, hyungie,” Sunoo says, his sweet voice filled with nothing but kindness. “I’m not sleepy. You can talk to me for as long as you want.” 

And so, Sunghoon does. 

He tells Sunoo everything - not just about Jongseong but also about Junhwan and the stupid first kiss outside the ice rink. He tells Sunoo about the first time he really sees Jongseong and he tells Sunoo about the BTS concert. He tells Sunoo about seeing Jongseong go to K for comfort and he tells Sunoo about the stupid letter Jongseong wrote for him. He tells Sunoo about the night before the I-LAND finals. He tells Sunoo about the stupid texts about Heeseung that he gets from Jongseong.

By the time he’s done rambling, Sunoo lets out a loud exhale. 

“Hyung,” he whispers gently. “Are you okay?” 

“I don’t know,” Sunghoon mumbles. “I think I was a lot worse a few weeks ago.” 

“Hyung,” Sunoo repeats. Sunghoon can practically feel the sympathy flood through the line. “You didn’t tell anyone about this? At all?” 

Sunghoon shrugs. “Why would I? It has nothing to do with the team, it’s literally just my boy problems.” 

“Are you sure it doesn’t? Hyung, we all noticed that you were a little off for the past few weeks.” 

“You all did?” Panic begins to seep into Sunghoon. Then, oh God, does Jongseong actually know? 

Sunoo rushes to correct himself. “Okay, I exaggerated. By all I mean Jungwon and I. He wanted to ask you about it but I told him I’d do it. He already has enough on his shoulders.” 

“So,” Sunghoon fiddles with the edge of his blanket. “That day in the makeup room. Was that you trying to get me to talk?” 

“Hyung, I wasn’t exactly trying to be subtle.” 

Laughter bubbles in his chest. “Yeah, you’re right. You weren’t.”

“At first, we thought you two had a fight or something. But Jungwon went to ask Jay hyung and he said no, so I assumed it just had something to do with just you. I.. I didn’t think it would be this.” 

Sunghoon winces. “Sorry. I just dropped all that on you all of a sudden.” 

“Sunghoon hyung,” Sunoo suddenly chastises firmly. “Stop apologizing for talking about your feelings. There’s nothing to be sorry for, okay?” 

“In fact, I wish you did this more. You never tell us when you’re struggling and I know things have been hard - not just this but with our debut and everything.” 

Sunghoon doesn’t try to argue. He knows the younger boy is right. 

“Sunghoonie hyung,” Sunoo’s voice goes all soft and gentle again. “You’re not a skater anymore. You don’t have to hide what you’re feeling from us anymore. If you’re sad, come be sad with us. If you’re angry, come and tell us what’s wrong so we can all get angry together.” 

“I know it’s easier said than done to talk about things, I know. I’m still trying to unlearn my own bad habits, but you have to try, okay? Like I said - if you don’t want to talk to me about it, you can talk to Jake hyung or Jungwonie or God forbid, Ni-ki.” 

Sunghoon makes a noise that’s in between a sob and a laugh. He doesn’t even know when he started crying, but the tears are already rolling down his cheeks. 

“We’re a team and we’re all here for you, okay? We’ll figure things out together so you don’t have to feel all heavy and shit by yourself.” 

Sniffling, Sunghoon quietly nods his head. 

“Are you there, hyung?” Sunoo sing-songs. “You’re not crying, are you?” 

“No,” Sunghoon rasps, his voice betraying him. Sunoo awes from the other end of the line. 

“I’ll start crying too, hyung,” Sunoo whines. “But you should cry if you need to, it’s good and healthy and a good way to grieve.” 

Sunghoon laughs, stretching his shirt up to wipe the tears away from his eyes. He sighs as he presses his palm against his forehead. 

“Thanks, Sunoo-yah.” 

“For what?” 

“Listening,” Sunghoon mumbles. “I’ve.. I’ve never had anyone really listen to me before.” 

“Of course, hyung. You don’t have to thank me. Do you feel better now that you talked about it?” 

Sunghoon tilts his head so that he can see out of his small window. It’s still snowing heavily, the bright moon in the sky curved in a crescent. Just like Sunoo’s eyes when he’s laughing. 

“I still feel like shit,” Sunghoon sniffles. “But I do feel lighter. Like a weight just lifted off my shoulders.”

“Good,” Sunoo hums. “I don’t really have any advice because, I mean, what can you do other than wait it out, right?” 

“I guess. I just want it to happen quicker, I feel shitty about everything as it is. I can barely look at Jongseong and I hate that I’m bitter over something that I should be happy about.” 

“Something you should be happy about?” Sunoo asks. 

Sunghoon sighs again. “I know how happy Heeseung hyung used to make Jongseong. Before he debuted, they were always stuck together and they were just.. Different with each other. I don’t know how to explain it but Jongseong was always softer around him. When he and Heeseung hyung stopped talking, I know something changed in him.” 

“Now that they’re friends again, it feels like Jongseong’s going back to how he used to be when he had Heeseung hyung and I should feel glad about that, right? But everytime I look at him, I just feel bitter.” 

“Bitter because it’s not you?” 

“Yeah,” Sunghoon mumbles. “What kind of friend does that?” 

“Hey, don’t villainize yourself like that,” the younger boy utters softly. “Believe it or not, it’s actually very normal to feel upset about someone you like being with another person. It’s literally something everyone goes through. You’re not a bad person for feeling any of this.” 

“I feel like it anyways,” Sunghoon whispers. “I try to put aside all this for the team, but it’s hard. It’s really hard.” 

“I know, hyung. I know.” 

More tears start to roll down his cheeks as Sunghoon feels his eyes get puffy. There’s an itch in his chest that makes him want to pour everything out to Sunoo. 

“All my life, I feel like I just keep coming in second or third or whatever the hell comes after that,” Sunghoon admits. “Like I’ve never been good enough to be first for anyone or anything.” 

“Don’t say that,” Sunoo’s voice. “Hyung, don’t say that.”  

His chest feels heavy as he takes in another breath. “I just don’t want to feel like such a loser.” 

“You’re not a loser, hyung. You’re not, okay?” Sunoo berates gently. “How.. How do you not see how amazing you are? You’re one of the most hardworking people I know. You listen to me when no one else does and you pay attention to me whenever no one else is. Do you know how precious that is to me?”

“When you’re not being a jerk about my hair styling or my aegyo, you’re so nice and kind, hyung. And not just to me - but to everyone else too. You’ll never just come second place to everyone. You don’t come second place to me either, okay?”

“It might not feel like it now, but you’re an incredible person who deserves to be loved one day. Sure, it might take a while before it happens, but you’ll get it someday, I promise you.” 

Something heavy flutters in his chest as Sunghoon feels a warm tingling sensation bloom deep inside of him. It sends him into a tiny swirl of warmth, Sunoo’s words echoing in his head. He’s never quite felt like this before. 

“Either way,” Sunoo huffs. “I’ll be here for you. If you want to do something to get your mind off him or if you just want me to sit there while you cry, I’ll do whatever it is.” 

Sunghoon feels his heart swell. “Really?” 

“Of course,” Sunoo says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “You would do the same thing for me, wouldn’t you?” 

Sunghoon figures he would. 

Sunoo almost regrets offering to do anything with Sunghoon, because that’s exactly how he ends up exercising in the HYBE gym with the older boy. 

Still, he tags along Sunghoon as he works out. Sunoo gives up halfway through Sunghoon’s routine and settles for laying down on one of the bench presses. 

Sunoo’s idea of post-heartbreak grieving is a lot more fun, according to him at least. He lets Sunghoon lie on his bed as they both keep their eyes glued on Sunoo’s phone, the latest episode of My Roommate is A Gumiho playing. 

(“Lee Seunggi was better,” Sunghoon mumbles. 

“You’re just saying that because you think he’s hot,” Sunoo shoots back.

“That’s exactly why.”

“Of course. I know you.”

It shouldn’t make Sunghoon’s heart flutter when he hears that, but it happens anyways.) 

They snack on whatever it is they find in the back of their pantry and they share tangerines. Sunghoon ends up peeling most of it for Sunoo, silently passing him the peeled fruit as the younger munches away. 

It becomes a routine, the two seamlessly tangling into each other as if that’s how they’ve always been. 

If Sunghoon really thinks about it, a lot of things become part of his new routine. 

Jungwon wakes him up in the morning, gently shaking him while whispering for him to get ready for work. Ni-ki hooks an arm around his shoulders every evening and suggests going to the gym together. Jake always sits beside him during their meals as they fall into their easy conversations together, giggling and chuckling about whatever it was that was so hilarious only to them. 

Even Jongseong, who Sunghoon slowly starts to warm up to again, somehow wiggles his way into Sunghoon’s routine too. Jongseong sleeps on the bed below Sunghoon’s, having agreed to share bunk beds months ago. Just as Sunghoon steps foot onto the ladder up to his bed, Jongseong sticks his head out from his blankets and bids Sunghoon a good night without fail. 

It’s strange, really. Before debuting or even entering Bighit, Sunghoon’s always gone through his days alone. He skates on the ice alone and he sits in the backseat of his mother’s car back home alone. 

The contrast is blinding as Sunghoon goes home to an apartment with five other noisy boys every night. Even if he has to sleepily trudge out of their shared bedroom to chastise everyone for being too loud at night, Sunghoon really doesn’t mind. Even if he sits around the dinner table between Sunoo and Jake arguing against mint chocolate ice cream every night, he doesn’t mind that either. Even if he has to bang on the toilet door for Jongseong to hurry up, he doesn’t mind. 

It sort of feels a little bit like home. 

Somewhere between the end of February and the beginning of March, all six of them are put onto a bus with their overnight bags. Camping, the staff proudly announce as they’re driving out of Seoul. 

There are cameras everywhere when they arrive and they keep up with each other as they play all sorts of games for their meals. It’s a little too chilly, the February weather still unforgiving. Their hands are all joined with red velcro straps, connecting all of them into one line for some selfie challenge. 

Sunghoon doesn’t even have to wait for Sunoo to say something before he slips their joint hands into the pocket of his jacket. Sunoo looks at him, startled. He suddenly remembers that there’s a camera pointed at him and Sunoo collects himself just as fast. He lets out a chuckle that Sunghoon knows is still laced with a hint of surprise. Sunghoon just smirks to himself. 

A few hours pass before they’re all sitting along a row of tables. They fail their fifth game in a row, losing another round of samgyeopsal. Everyone is salivating at this point, the smell of freshly grilled pork driving them all insane. 

“If you do aegyo for us, we will give you the samgyeopsal,” a staff member compromises. 

There’s a chorus of groans from all six of them, but none of them are above some samgyeopsal, so they all take turns to speak in baby voices and do cute poses. 

Sunoo does three different variations of hearts before he finishes off with two hands cupped around his cheeks and a high-pitched ‘ddeonu’. Everyone at the table howls and screams, but Sunghoon just sits there with a stupid smile on his face. 

Well, that was fucking adorable. 

Underneath the Gyeonggi-do night sky, the six of them sit around a bonfire. Jongseong is helping Riki with his marshmallow stick, reminding the youngest to be careful for the upteempth time. Jungwon squeals as his marshmallow comes back engulfed in a small flame, his cheeks puffing air out to extinguish it. Sunoo is collapsing on the back of his chair, drowning in his own laughter. Jake tries to help Jungwon fan out the flame, but ends up burning his own marshmallow - which sends the entire group into another fit of laughter. 

Somewhere between the mess, Jongseong yells about how everyone should listen to him when he’s telling them to be careful. Jungwon just grins at him, waving his burnt marshmallow in his face. 

Sunghoon watches everyone from his seat, a huge grin etched on his lips. 

The cold wind nips at his skin, threatening to be felt. Sunghoon just leans forward as he lets the fire’s warmth envelop him. His eyes flicker back up to the other five members around him and his heart warms by itself. Sunghoon can see Jongseong and Jake arguing about something silly, causing everyone to watch with amusement. 

Sunghoon glances at Sunoo for what feels like a split second - until the younger boy feels his eyes on him and turns his head to look back at Sunghoon. He smiles and mouths an inaudible ‘what is it?’, his cheeks still flushed from the cold. 

Sunghoon shakes his head shyly, his heart skipping a beat when he sees Sunoo do that eye-smile he loves. 

“Everyone,” the producer prompts out from in front of them. “Is there anything you’d like to say to each other?” 

Sunghoon listens as the others begin to talk, staying quiet until the conversation starts to steer towards Sunoo. Only then does Sunghoon clear his throat, ready to talk. He holds onto the stick tightly as his eyes stay glued on the fire.

“I think Sunoo’s got what it takes to be an idol and he’s very talented,” Sunghoon starts. “There were so many things that I think the rest of us struggled with, but Sunoo was always a natural at those things, even back at I-LAND. So he teaches us those things patiently, even if we all groan about it, he’s always there willing to teach us everything.”

The amount of sincerity that Sunghoon unloads feels new to him, just as many other things do. But his heart flutters again when he sees Sunoo preening over his compliments and suddenly, Sunghoon wants to say a lot more. 

“In return, we share things he hasn’t learned yet with him - like dance and stuff. We’re growing as a team, so I love how we share things like this with each other,” Sunghoon concludes. He thinks of something else to say - but Sunghoon holds back when he sees the dozens of cameras around them. Could he say this with other people watching? It was almost too vulnerable for him. 

There’s a soft chorus of murmured agreements around the fire. Sunoo smiles to himself as he twirls his stick. He sits up straight before speaking up softly. 

“I really respect Sunghoon hyung because he’s very self-disciplined and when he has his mind set on something, he really works towards it. I think it’s very admirable and cool.” 

He thinks I’m cool, Sunghoon muses to himself. He nods appreciatively, trying to hide his widening grin. 

“Even if he doesn’t want to do something or when things are tough, if he deems he has to do it, he pushes himself no matter what with unyielding passion,” Jongseong says from beside him. “It’s really mature of him and I learn a lot from that.” 

Sunghoon just claps Jongseong on the arm, thanking him silently with a shy smile. 

When he looks back up at everyone around him, he catches Sunoo’s gaze. The younger boy’s lips are pursed, as if he was contemplating to say something. 

“Sunghoonie hyung.. I think he takes care of me the most,” Sunoo says, his voice all gentle and hushed - and he tilts his head up to look Sunghoon right in the eyes.  

“Sometimes our group can get kind of chaotic, because there’s six of us all the time. But Sunghoon hyung always listens to what I have to say and he helps me before I even ask for it. He’s a very sweet and gentle person, I wish more people got to see that side of him. I’m very thankful for him.”

Sunghoon’s cheeks are flushed a deep pink as he grins to himself. “Oh, isn’t that too high of a praise?” he counters jokingly from his spot. 

Sunoo, who is already used to the way Sunghoon deflects everything with his awkward humour, just pouts in return. “Hyung, do you know how hard that was for me to say?” 

Everyone, including the staff members, laugh as Sunghoon apologises through his giggles. When their laughter subsides, Sunghoon thinks you know what, fuck it. 

“I’m thankful for Sunoo too,” Sunghoon fixes his eyes on the embers beneath the fire. “I tend to keep things on the inside a lot because that’s how I’ve been for the past few years, so I don’t tell people when I’m having a hard time. But Sunoo was the first person to see that I was going through something and he offered to listen to me. Even though he couldn’t really give me any advice, he was by my side through it all. Thanks to him, I think I can say that the difficult thing I’m going through is already over. So really, I’m very grateful for Sunoo. I think we’re all really lucky to have someone like him in our team, right?” 

There’s some murmured chorus of agreement. 

“For the longest time, I was always alone on the ice. Whenever I won or lost during competitions, I’d always feel everything by myself. I didn’t even have many kids my age. We were all competing against each other all the time so I couldn't feel at ease with a lot of them.” 

“But now, I have a group of people that I know I can fall back on. I know I can put my trust into all of you and no matter what, on the stage or back in the dorm or in the practice room, I can feel like I’m really not alone anymore. I want us to share all the good and bad times together and I want us to be happy with our fans for a very long time.” 

Jungwon pokes at the fire with his empty stick, a small smile on his face. “I think we’re all right where we’re supposed to be.” 

There’s a warm concoction of emotions rumbling in his stomach and it makes Sunghoon feel lighter than ever. He looks at each of his member’s faces, trying to ingrain this one happy moment into his head forever. 

It’s a feeling that he’s never felt before, but Sunghoon knows what it is. He lets himself feel it and he lets himself fall back on whatever this is. 

Everything just feels right.

Jongseong catches Sunghoon as they’re waiting in line for a shower. Jake had disappeared into the only bathroom in the small house for fifteen minutes already, prompting the older boy to bang noisily the door noisily. 

“Sim Jaeyun!” Jongseong is shouting when Sunghoon tiptoes into the hallway. “If you don’t come out of the shower in ten minutes, I’m throwing your sleeping bag outside.” 

The water continues to run from inside the bathroom. Jongseong just sighs and turns around, his eyebrows shooting up when he sees Sunghoon. 

“Oh, you’re here?” Jongseong mumbles. “The punk inside is still showering so you have to wait another fifteen minutes, I guess.” 

“Damn,” Sunghoon chuckles. “Okay, I’ll come back when he’s done.” 

Sunghoon spins around to go back down the stairs when he feels Jongseong’s hand grip his elbow. 

“Hey, actually,” he gives Sunghoon one of his crooked smiles. “Wait with me here? I was getting lonely.” 

The Sunghoon from two months ago would’ve combusted on the spot right then, but Sunghoon feels his heart beat at a steady pace as he nods. 

They sit side by side against the wall of the bathroom, their towels and toiletries at their feet. Jongseong’s pouch is decorated with a huge Ryan sticker, his bright orange fur popping out against the black leather. 

“Sunghoon-ah?” 

“Hmm?” 

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to and I’ll completely understand,” Jongseong says slowly. “But.. that thing Sunoo was talking about just now? The difficult thing that you talked to him about?” 

Sunghoon gulps. “Yeah?” 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Jongseong sheepishly repeats, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “But I just wanted to know if you’re okay. And you know, if you need someone else to talk to about it, I’m always here.” 

“Oh God,” Sunghoon groans, hiding his burning face in his hands. “Oh God, no, it’s fine! That whole thing is done and over with so don’t worry about it.” 

Jongseong slowly nods, but his eyes flick over to Sunghoon consciously. 

“Okay, that’s good to hear,” he murmurs. “I was just wondering why, you know, you never came to me about it.” 

“But it’s fine!” Jongseong exclaims loudly. “I mean, it’s good that you went to Sunoo about it since he helped, right?” 

Sunghoon just groans even louder. “Oh my God, this is not how I imagined telling you about it.”

“Telling me about what?” Jongseong asks, the confusion evident in his tone. 

The younger boy slowly removes his head from his hands, a meek look taking over his face. 

“Do you really want to know?” 

Jongseong raises an eyebrow. “Do I?” 

“Maybe? Maybe not? Will you think I’m weird if I tell you?” 

“Sunghoon-ah, unless you’re telling me that you’re the head of a secret drug cartel or something then I don’t think anything will weird me out that much.” 

There’s a slight pause as Sunghoon snorts. “Why would I run a drug ring?” 

“I don’t know, you’re the one being weird!” Jongseong exclaims. 

Sunghoon sighs heavily, leaning his head against the wall as he stares up at the ceiling. Sunoo’s words from just weeks ago ring in his head. 

(“Why don’t you tell Jay hyung about it?” Sunoo suggests one night, a chip already halfway into his mouth. 

Sunghoon almost chokes on his drink. “What? Tell him that I like him?” 

“Yeah,” Sunoo says, as if it’s not the most terrifying thing in the world. “Won’t it speed up your five stages of grief or something?” 

“First of all, there’s seven stages of grief, you dummy.” Sunghoon would know because he searched it up on Naver a while ago. “Second of all, how will that help? It’s not like I don’t know that I can’t have him.” 

“But it could help you move on quicker,” Sunoo shrugs. “Maybe an actual rejection could throw you up to the last stage of grief.”

Sunghoon stares at Sunoo with disbelief written all over his face. 

“Kim Sunoo, do you think I’m a masochist?”) 

Oh, what the hell. 

“Fine, you asked for it,” Sunghoon utters. “I had a thing for you.” 

Jongseong chokes on his own spit, coughing loudly. Sunghoon sits in shame as he waits for the older boy to calm down. 

“W-What?” Jongseong hollers. 

“I liked you. Like, romantic like.”

Jongseong’s jaw is practically on the floor when Sunghoon looks back at him.

“I’m over you already so you don’t have to worry about rejecting me,” Sunghoon says softly. “But you wanted to know, so here we are.” 

A beat. Sunghoon shifts uncomfortably, fidgeting with the towel in his hands. 

“Wow,” Jongseong whistles lowly. “I don’t know what I was expecting but it definitely was not that.” 

“Yeah.” 

Sunghoon stays silent as Jongseong continues to process everything beside him, his sharp eyebrows still raised. 

“When.. When did you start liking me?” 

“I think it was around my third week at Bighit?” Sunghoon hums. “It was a while ago.” 

“And you don’t like me anymore?” 

Sunghoon purses his lips as he really thinks about it. 

He’s been able to sit through this conversation without feeling like he was going to explode, so Sunghoon considers it a success. In fact, if Sunghoon really thinks about it, he’s been able to look Jongseong in the eye a lot more comfortably these days. He even let Jongseong sit next to him on the bus. The Sunghoon from weeks ago would have thrown himself out of the bus if it happened to him then. 

“I think so,” Sunghoon nods.

“Oh,” Jongseong breathes out. “Oh, thank God. That’s a relief.” 

Amusement mirths in Sunghoon’s eyes as he playfully frowns. “What do you mean that’s a relief?” 

“Dude, no offence but I don’t think I have the heart to reject you,” Jongseong remarks. 

Sunghoon just laughs, slapping Jongseong on the arm. “I’m surprised you didn’t even notice. I wasn’t exactly being subtle.” 

“You know I’m dense when it comes to these things.” 

“Ah, you’re right. You are dense.” 

They fall into another bout of laughter as Sunghoon shakes his head, feeling his heart settle with a new kind of warmth. It’s a comfortable kind - one that doesn’t send him into a disoriented panic. 

“Thanks for telling me though,” Jongseong utters later. “I’m sorry we didn’t work out.” 

Sunghoon makes a face. “Now I’m wondering why I even liked you.” 

“Ouch,” Jongseong clutches his chest teasingly. “But you did anyway, so. Ha.” 

“Man, shut up,” Sunghoon slaps Jongseong on the arm again. The older boy clutches his own arm, still giggling. 

“You’re still awake?” 

Sunghoon nearly drops the heat pack in his hands. “Ah, you scared the shit out of me.” 

Sunoo just snickers, sitting down beside the older boy on the steps of the house. “I didn’t even do anything.” 

“Exactly,” Sunghoon mutters. “You’re so sneaky.”

“What do you want me to do - bang pots and pans whenever I’m near you just so you won’t get a heart attack?” Sunoo ridicules, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. 

“Yes, actually. That would be nice.” 

“Duly noted. Will carry around pots and pans starting from tomorrow.” 

They sit in silence for a while, just the sound of faraway trees swaying back and forth sounding through the air. It’s been only two hours since the camera crew stopped filming and retreated back to their own resting areas, but Sunghoon’s body wasn’t letting him rest. He had lied awake on the floor with the five other boys before deciding that he needed some fresh air to breathe, so he toed on his boots and shrugged on his jacket. Sunghoon brought out a bunch of heat packs as he sat outside, admiring the peace and tranquility of the mountainside. 

He’s never been to a place like this before and it was a nice, refreshing break from all the busy bustle of Seoul city life. 

“I thought you were asleep,” Sunghoon asks, breaking the quiet. 

“I was, but then I woke up and realized you weren’t next to me anymore and I saw you here so,” Sunoo shrugged. “I don’t know, I figured I’d hang out with you out here for a while.” 

“Why? It’s freezing out here, you don’t like it when it’s too cold.” 

Sunoo waves the heat pack he was holding in his own hands. “I know, that’s why I wore two coats and got this too.” 

Only then does Sunghoon realize that the younger is indeed bundled up in two layers of padded coats, making him look like a more adorable version of Baymax. 

“Cute,” Sunghoon chuckles, watching as his hand bounced against the padded coat. 

Were Sunoo’s cheeks always this pink and rosy? 

“You’re not sleepy?” the older boy questions. 

Sunoo does something between a nod and a shrug. “I am a little bit.” 

“Huh? Go back to sleep, Sunoo-yah.” 

“It’s okay,” Sunoo smiles, and it’s like the sun had gone out of hiding from the night sky and was sitting right beside him. “I didn’t want you to be alone.” 

It’s a simple sentiment, but it makes Sunghoon’s skin light up on fire. Sunoo doesn’t notice Sunghoon’s stare as he looks up at the sky, his mouth forming a tiny ‘o’. 

“You can always see the stars better in Gyeonggi-do,” Sunoo sighs happily. “They’re never this bright in Seoul.” 

Maybe he’s right, but Sunghoon doesn’t have the heart to look away from Sunoo. His now blonde hair is tucked underneath a beanie - the same one that Sunghoon borrowed him on Christmas Eve. Oh, I completely forgot about that. 

“Unless you count the six of us.” 

It’s a dumb joke, so Sunghoon lets Sunoo snort loudly. He looks so cute like this anyways - all rosy cheeked and smiling. 

“It’s not that funny,” Sunghoon muses, watching as Sunoo just doubles over even more in his own giggles. The older boy starts to chuckle too, cold wisps of air clouding over their breaths. 

Sunoo’s legs wiggle in and out as he tries to calm himself, a cheeky grin etched on his lips. “It wasn’t funny, that’s why I laughed.” 

“Yah!” 

They erupt in giggles again as Sunghoon shoves Sunoo on the arm gently. He sways for a bit, pretending to lose his balance. Sunghoon quickly grabs onto him, pulling him back in. They messily clash into each other as the younger squeaks in surprise. 

Sunoo’s giggles immediately evaporate as he blinks up at Sunghoon. They freeze - Sunghoon’s grip on his arm not moving. 

Something in the air above their heads changes, the light atmosphere suddenly disappearing. Sunoo’s smile slowly drops, the playfulness oozing out of his pretty features. It’s replaced by wide light brown eyes twinkling with a desire Sunghoon hopes he’s hallucinating. 

They’re dead silent as Sunghoon blinks back at Sunghoon, unconsciously licking his bottom lip. 

Sunoo’s preening up at him, his cheeks still flushed and eyes shining, as if to say will you do it? 

Before Sunghoon can even think about it, he feels a pair of plush lips press against his. It’s quick and fleeting - a brief peck that doesn’t even last for more than a second, but it makes Sunghoon’s heart nearly explode with adrenaline. 

Sunoo sits back quickly, his eyes still wide with caution as he stares at Sunghoon. 

The older boy blinks feverishly. Oh, did that really just happen? 

“I-” Sunoo tries to say something, but his mouth just hangs open and closed frantically. 

Sunghoon sighs and closes his eyes, feeling the disappointment sink into his heart already. 

1…

2…

3...

He expects Sunoo to be gone by the time he opens his eyes. It’s almost like deja vu - a sickening twist churning in his stomach. 

When he opens his eyes again, he’s greeted by the sight of Sunoo frowning at him. 

“Why did you close your eyes after I kissed you?” 

Huh?

“What?” Sunghoon breathes out, blinking even more frantically. 

Sunoo shrinks into himself as he avoids Sunghoon’s gaze. “I-I.. You closed your eyes after I kissed you.” 

“You didn’t run away,” Sunghoon blurts out. 

The younger boy’s frown just deepens. “Why would I run away?” 

The question stumps Sunghoon even further into his daze. Confusion practically paralyzes Sunghoon as he tries to say something coherent, but everything in his head is in a chaotic disarray. A million thoughts rush through his head at the speed of lightning. 

“Hyung,” Sunoo’s touching his hand now and Sunghoon feels all sorts of tingles tickle his skin. “Why would I run away when I was the one who kissed you?” 

“I... I thought that...” Sungoon trails off as he looks down at their intertwined hands. 

When did Sunghoon even interlock their hands together? 

“Are you going to run away?” Sunoo asks, doubt flooding his voice. 

Sunghoon straightens up immediately, gripping the younger boy’s hand tighter. 

“No!” He exclaims almost too loudly, making Sunoo jolt in his seat. “Sorry - I mean. No, of course not. No way. No.” 

Sunoo visibly relaxes, his frown changing into a shy grin. He nods slowly and holds up their joint hands. 

“And… you don’t mind if we do this?” Sunoo’s sheepish question makes Sunghoon’s heart soar. 

Sunghoon shakes his head. “No, I… I like this.” 

“Good,” Sunoo’s smile grows bigger and Sunghoon swears his heart swells double in size. “Me too.” 

They sit together for a long time, their cheeks and noses getting rosier as the cold grows fiercer. But Sunoo’s hands are warm and the way he looks up at Sunghoon melts the frigid air away -  so Sunghoon figures that this is the closest thing he’ll get to heaven. 

Sunghoon’s mother sits on her bed, the laptop balanced perfectly on her lap. She scrolls through the Naver page aimlessly until she sees his face. It’s been a year since their debut, but she doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to seeing her son’s face plastered across thumbnails on YouTube or in articles. 

This time, it’s a video of ENHYPEN at the 2021 MAMAs. They’re standing on stage in luxurious looking suits, their hair and makeup done just enough to make them all look like Vogue models. 

Sunghoon is standing beside Jungwon, holding a shiny trophy. Her heart melts when she sees the massive smile on Sunghoon’s face, his eyes slanted in the way they usually do when he’s really really happy about something. 

His eyes flicker to the pink-haired boy who is speaking into the mic - Sunoo, if she remembers right. The boy who said her galbijjim was delicious and also the same boy that her son can’t seem to shut up about. 

Sunghoon’s smile grows wider (as if it was even possible for it to go any bigger). 

She recognizes the way Sunghoon’s eyes are twinkling. She recognizes the big smile that stretches his lips. 

It’s the same way he smiled when he landed his first jump. 

It’s the same way he smiled when he first stepped into the Taereung center. 

It’s the same way he smiled when he first saw Kim Yuna at The Olympics, twisting and jumping on an ice rink. 

Sunghoon’s happy, she thinks. 

This is where he finally belongs.