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Tsukasa considers himself a proper host. He’s had good practice from an early age, thanks to Saki having her friends over at their house all the time, as well as Toya who visited frequently in their youths. Thanks to that experience, he’s pretty good at accounting for the unexpected. Power’s out? Grab some flashlights and tell some ghost stories. It’s raining outside? Play some board games that captivate everyone’s attention. Can’t go to sleep? Read together from a story book until drowsiness sets in.
Improvisation is an important part of acting, after all.
“Ah, Rui, was that your stomach?” Tsukasa asks, directing his attention towards the one currently bent over blueprints laid out on the floor.
“Hm?” Rui lifts his head, mouth pursed small as he transitions his eyes from the glaze of deep thought to meeting Tsukasa’s gaze. His stomach grumbles once more, and he lets out an utterance of acknowledgement. “Oh, so it is.”
“We’ve been at this for a while,” Tsukasa eyes the grandfather clock that sits in the corner of the living room. “It’s nearly midnight.”
“It is?” Rui’s eyes widen, and he looks in the same direction. It’s impossible to avoid, they’re up way too late. Already an hour to the next day, yet neither are suffering from sleep deprivation yet. “Ah...I’m sorry, Tsukasa-kun, it seems I got us so distracted that we let the night fly by.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for, Rui,” Tsukasa reassures, placing aside the pegasus plush he’s cuddling in his lap to the side of him. “We both got wrapped up in our plans. We’re going to put on an excellent show thanks to our work tonight, don’t you think?”
“I should hope so,” Rui agrees, only to then turn his head back towards the clock. “I’m used to working this late normally, but I’m not usually the type to not take kitchen breaks if necessary. I suppose the excitement of having your house to ourselves led us to this, didn’t it?”
It surely did. It’s been such a long time since Tsukasa was left alone at his house, he really didn’t know what to do. In a hurry, he called up one of the numbers on his phone and asked the person on the other end to come over. It just so happened to be Rui’s number. It could have been worse, probably.
“Now, what shall we do about dinner?” Rui wonders out loud from his position sitting on the floor. He leans back enough that his head falls against Tsukasa’s lap on the couch, citrine eyes meeting Tsukasa’s own and sparkling in that impish way they often do. “It’s too late to head out or order anything, so perhaps we can create something in your kitchen?”
Though it’s probably safe to have Rui in there, Tsukasa’s instinctive panic sets in upon the idea of Rui being allowed into a room with that many electric appliances. His parents know that Rui’s there, the cameras on the outside of the house prompted him to text them in advance that he was bringing over a friend. They’re okay with it, they’re always okay with it because they trust him, but it’s only because he has to maintain his trust with them that he does it. Conversely, his parents would have remained unaware of Saki’s whereabouts if he didn’t tell them as well that she was having a sleepover with her friends tonight. It’s not that she didn’t trust them to let her, but rather, she was afraid of being denied the opportunity to live like a normal teenage girl.
“Tsukasa-kun?” Rui repeats his name, and Tsukasa breaks his gaze away from the kitchen.
“Oh, um,” Tsukasa grips the couch and watches as Rui adjusts his head, rubbing himself against Tsukasa’s lap without a care and treating his thighs like a neck pillow. So embarrassing. “Ah wait…I remember now, there is a charming establishment near here that I was interested in trying out!”
“It’s open this late?” Rui inquires.
“Yes, if I recall correctly, it’s actually open 24/7!” Tsukasa feels a surge of pride in himself as he puffs his chest. “It’s an American style diner establishment, like in Grease !”
“Is that so?” Rui curls up his legs to his chest, holding them tight. “I’m happy to go if you are. Should we call it a date?”
“Yea h ―” Tsukasa’s voice cracks at the end, prompting him to cover his mouth with his hand. Damn it. “A date it shall be!”
How was it only just a couple weeks ago that they started officially dating? Lips met lips, hands were held, and the two came together with startling ease. It's almost like they were always like this, but it's far from the truth, right? Looking down, Tsukasa finds himself wondering a lot. He wonders if Rui would be lying against him like this at all if he didn't kiss Rui when asked.
“Now, in order to go out, you’ll have to get up first, Rui,” Tsukasa clears his throat as he speaks, hands anxiously sitting themselves on the cushions of the couch, waiting for Rui to move.
“Okay,” Rui returns with a brilliant smile. He doesn’t move.
“Rui,” Tsukasa sighs the other’s name, and without waiting a moment longer, he reaches down and grips the man’s shoulders, pushing him forward. Like a soft toy that lacks a spine, Rui stretches forward with his head flopping down, threatening to fall over entirely. Tsukasa manages to get to his feet and step onto the side next to Rui, grabbing his arm and pulling him up. Rui exaggerates the force of the tug by wildly flailing himself until he’s falling into Tsukasa’s embrace. A chin digs into Tsukasa’s shoulder, and two slender arms are gripping his form far too tightly. “Rui!! Come on, stop fooling around―”
“Boohoo,” Rui fakes a whimper and, despite acting like he has no bones, he squeezes Tsukasa’s body even tighter. “I was comfortable, Tsukasa-kun...This is pretty comfy too, though.”
There’s something seriously wrong with him. There’s something seriously wrong with Tsukasa that he finds himself firstly thinking about how nice it is that Rui enjoys touching him.
“There, your stomach is growling again!” Tsukasa shouts, and finally as he pushes the grumbling abdomen in front of him, it’s only then that Rui relents and lets go. He’s smiling. Of course he’s smiling, he’s just playing, isn’t he?
Yeah, there’s definitely something wrong with him. He already misses how it feels to be hugged so miserably tight in those bony arms.
“If Tsukasa-kun insists,” Rui grins in return, his smile stretching wide across his face. “Let’s get going then~”
~*~
Loneliness is a terrible thing. Even if one is prepared for it, even if one seeks it out for a bit of privacy, it’s something that should end the minute someone doesn’t want to be lonely anymore. In middle school, his sister was stuck in the hospital for a long time. Loneliness on the nights his parents weren’t home brought back terrible memories from when he was even younger, nights when no one was home and Tsukasa was forced to exist on his own. It’s something most people have to do, right? If it is...Why did it always feel so horrible?
The hand holding his right now is cold, slender, and strong in its grip. It reminds Tsukasa of the imaginary friends he used to play with, created by intangible forces out of a desire to feel touched. He used to crave hugs like crazy, and though his parents are loving, they never really noticed how he felt. It’s fine, though, he doesn’t think they’re terrible for not understanding. Saki’s condition has always been more important, and it’s nothing to blame anyone for. Tsukasa himself wishes that he could forget it. He wishes he could forget why he wants to be held.
The diner comes into view, and Tsukasa shakes his head free from the cold that’s settled in his hair. Entering inside, a warm air brushes over them, as well as a sweet-savory scent that fills the air.
“My mouth’s watering already,” Tsukasa remarks, glancing around the establishment. High ceilings lined with strips of neon as accents, the booths and lighting follow a gaudy pink and cyan color scheme. White helps break up the brightness of the accents, and helps make it look clean. “Although we haven’t tried the food yet, the atmosphere gets a ten in my book! What say you, Rui?”
“It’s quiet,” Rui notes instead. “I’m a little surprised. Since this is probably a rare hour for a restaurant like this to be open, I thought it might be a little more busy.”
“Hm?” Before he can ask what Rui means, they sit themselves at a booth table. Both of them taking one side each, it’s not long before Tsukasa can feel Rui’s sock-covered foot caressing the top of Tsukasa’s own. He ignores it, but reciprocates the touch. “Ah, well, the menu isn’t exactly the kind that attracts night crowds.”
“How’s that?” Rui reaches for the plastic menus seated inside of a metal ring at the end of the table nearest the window. He hands one over to Tsukasa and then keeps one for himself.
“Well, it’s mostly breakfast foods,” Tsukasa explains. Looking down, his eyes vindicate his perception. “See? The majority of the selection here are for pancakes and omelets. Even the non-breakfast items are all sandwiches and soups, things you would rather get for lunch. At this time of night, most people would rather get proper meals for dinner, like ginger pork and the like.”
“You really think so?” Rui tilts his head, eyes scanning the menu as his toes caress the bridge of Tsukasa’s foot. He mimics the motion with their hands above the table, dainty fingertips rolling over the back of Tsukasa’s hand. Tsukasa quietly flips his palm up and catches the fingers before gently pressing down on Rui’s foot below. “Ehe. I personally like breakfast for dinner, haven’t you ever enjoyed such a simple pleasure, Tsukasa-kun?”
“Certainly I haven’t!” Tsukasa emphatically declares. “Breakfast is for the morning. Even if it’s nearly midnight, that’s still the evening of the calendar date prior!”
“Ah, then this will be a good time for you to try,” Rui hums with a slight tilt of his head. “You must want to, since you suggested we come here, after all.”
“I suppose I did, but...” Tsukasa looks over the sandwiches and finds himself struggling for choice. “Really, I should just be happy enough with their reuben on rye. It can’t be made wrong, and it even comes with home fries! I haven’t had those since I was young, my mother learned the recipe from a foreigner student she met in university. I’m curious if these ones are just as good...”
“They don’t just come with the sandwiches, Tsukasa-kun,” Rui points out as he reaches across the table to tap on Tsukasa’s menu. “The omelets do as well. That’ll be much more filing, don’t you think so?”
“Ah...” Tsukasa holds his breath, then releases it slowly. His shoulders lift and then fall as the corners of his lips crawl upward. “I suppose you’re right. I might as well try the experience, and it’s a certainty that their food will be delicious no matter the time of day, right? As well, eggs are good at any hour. I shall try this delicious sounding ham and pepper omelet!”
“Then I’m going to try their pancakes,” Rui states. “It’s been awhile~ I’m interested to try their maple syrup, the menu says it’s imported.”
“Really?” Tsukasa wraps his ankles around Rui’s and lets his menu fall to the table with the aid of gravity. “Then I would most appreciate it if you would share a bite with me, Rui~”
“Ehehe. Of course I will, Tsukasa-kun.”
Menus placed back in their ring at the edge of the table, their eyes are drawn to the city street view from the window. They’re at an angle that lets them look down the street, and from Tsukasa’s view, he’s given a view of Scramble Crossing down the road while Rui’s given a line of tall skyscrapers to observe. The blue lights of the city blare brightly across the pavement, and for some reason, Tsukasa feels strangely invigorated by their color. In the black of the night, it’s not a replacement for the daytime sky, but it gives a similar effect.
Their drinks arrive, iced tea for Tsukasa and chocolate milk for Rui. Upon actually seeing the drink being sipped, Tsukasa finds himself staring at the glass with an unknown tug at his heartstrings. There’s something about the scent and color of chocolate milk that’s nostalgic, even without tasting it. Even if they’re dating though, it’s weird to ask for a sip of such a simple drink, right? Tsukasa pulls his eyes away quickly and instead tastes his own tea. It’s cold, and though the flavor is there, it mostly tastes of water.
When did he stop drinking chocolate milk? He remembers enjoying it with Saki. He remembers the two of them ganging up on their parents to keep chocolate syrup stocked in the house at all times, and having to promise they wouldn’t use too much. He remembers the excitement that came with holidays where they were permitted to drink as much of it as they liked, just because it was a special day. He can’t recall ever feeling too grown up to drink it, nor ever getting sick of the taste. It’s strange. He doesn’t understand why his taste changed.
Their entrees arrive promptly. Thanks to the fact that they’re the only ones here, the kitchen is well prepared to cater to them right away, and soon Tsukasa is digging into his omelet. It really does taste good no matter what time of day. Savory bits of ham and spinach, refreshing flavors of onion and pepper, and the ooey gooey goodness of cheese melt together in Tsukasa’s mouth, and he keeps going in for bite after bite. His iced tea goes well with the dish, helping to easily wash down the remains without being too strong on his tongue.
“It looks like you’re enjoying yourself,” Rui notes, eating his pancakes cut by cut. They’re coated in cream and chocolate drizzle, looking absolutely decadent.
“As I should!” Tsukasa declares. “Perhaps you were right, this sort of place should remain popular regardless of the time of day. This tastes just as exquisite in the evening as it does in the morning! I’d offer you some, but of course, you would reject it, wouldn’t you?”
“Mm, I’d have to, wouldn’t I?” Rui chuckles as he eats a sweet bite from his own plate. “You should have gotten something without vegetables if you wanted to share, Tsukasa-kun.”
“Yeah, I thought you might be like that...” Tsukasa crosses his legs under the table. “Then I suppose I won’t be getting any pancake from you, then?”
“I never said that~” To prove his point, Rui holds out a fork carrying an incredibly fluffy bit of pancake on it, topped with all of the good flavors that came with the dish. “Eat up, Tsukasa-kun. I’ll even let you drink some of my chocolate milk, since it looked like you were interested in it.”
“Ha, it seems you caught me,” Tsukasa laughs off the comment as quickly as he tries to move past it, leaning forward with eyelids lowering. “Thank you for sharing!”
Like eating a cloud born from his dreams, Tsukasa’s mesmerized by the flavor of the sweet breakfast food. Saccharine and sticky to boot, Tsukasa is grateful for the moment Rui hands over the glass of chocolate milk. He brings it up to his mouth. The scent grows stronger, and as he presses the straw to his lips, he’s quickly greeted with the flavor he hasn’t tasted in years. Not just flavor, but texture as well. It’s velvety soft on his tongue, instantly pushing down the pancake with ease.
He lowers the cup, and then nearly drops it before strengthening his grip at the last second. He puts it down to the table and then grabs his head with both hands. Rui says something, but he doesn’t hear it.
Ah, so it was back then. That’s why he can’t remember.
“Tsukasa-kun?!” Rui’s voice finally reaches past the sudden headache, and when he looks up, Rui’s hand is outstretched, but not touching him yet. Tsukasa lowers his fingers down until they fall in the other’s palm, and as they’re wrapped up in Rui’s cold grasp, he wishes he could just focus more on heating him up rather than explaining himself. “Are you feeling sick?”
“No, I...” How does he explain this? He doesn’t think about that time at all, as much as he can help it, because it’s a worthless time to think about. Nothing happened, and that’s why it’s not worth his memories. They’re not representative of the star he’ll become one day. “I was just...Remembering the last time I had chocolate milk, that’s all―” No. That’s not all at all. “Ah...Mm. I suppose I’ve made myself a liar, I have had breakfast for dinner before.”
“It’s not a lie if you forgot, Tsukasa-kun,” Rui attempts to reassure, but the damage is done in Tsukasa’s eyes. The only way to vindicate himself now is to tell the truth.
“I feel it is, so I’ll be honest with you,” Tsukasa lifts his eyes for just a moment before dropping them once more. It’s strangely difficult to look at Rui’s face right now, especially when the reason his date isn’t smiling is because of himself. “I was in middle school. It was during a holiday break where my parents were away for the whole week, and Saki was still in the hospital. Though we attempted to call each other every day, it was difficult. Taking care of the house was simple enough, but just being alone for that long...”
Rui’s staring at him. Tsukasa doesn’t even have to lift his eyes to see it. He’s being watched with a certain type of gaze that he hates. He doesn’t want to be looked at like that, he knows it’s just going to lead him to being looked down upon. He needs to change his approach.
“Aha, it’s surely nothing worth getting worked up over~” Closing his eyes as he raises his head, he keeps his chin lowered. Proper posture will help him through this. “Naturally, as I’m a star in the making, it’s only expected that the times where my luster is unappreciated that I have difficulty recalling them. As I recall, it wasn’t for any particular reason, there was just a night where I was craving something sweet, but didn’t want to have dinner for dessert, so I thought pancakes would make a suitable replacement.”
“Were they?” Rui asks. He asks it so simply that it makes Tsukasa shudder at the possibility of Rui looking too deeply into this. Tsukasa doesn’t want that. He just wants them to move on from this topic, but so long as Rui’s holding his hand, he ought to at least give him an answer.
“They were,” Tsukasa nods, and as he reopens his eyes, they fall naturally upon Rui’s drink sitting next to his plate. Tsukasa’s tongue is still stained with its flavor. “It was the last time I had chocolate milk as well. I think...I remember it not tasting as good as I wanted it to. Surely that’s because I was constantly drinking it back then, I was bound to get sick of the flavor eventually, right? But tonight, it was just as delicious as it was in my childhood, so thank you for letting me try it once again, Rui!”
“...Mm.” Rui squeezes Tsukasa’s hand slowly, and then lets go. “How does it compare to your omelet, Tsukasa-kun?”
“Wha―...?” He’s not sure what he was expecting. Rui doesn’t push, but Tsukasa didn’t want him to either, but he didn’t plan for the conversation to turn in this direction either. Thinking it through, though, he finds himself smiling. “Hm...Mhm~! It’s far better! I’m certain of it.”
~*~
The walk home is cold. The sun has been down for hours, so it’s only natural that the world can’t retain its warmth forever. Even Rui feels warmer than the air surrounding them, though not by much. Even if he wasn’t, however, Tsukasa wouldn’t let go of his hand. Just a few more blocks to go, and then they’ll finally be back. What they’ll talk about though, Tsukasa isn’t certain. In truth, the silence that’s permeated the air surrounding them is eating him up inside. It isn’t like they talked much once they got into their meals, either.
He should have just kept lying―
“Tsukasa-kun.” Rui’s voice catches Tsukasa’s attention the moment his name is said. So quickly, in fact, that he nearly hurts his neck with how fast it turns to look up at the other. Rui doesn’t seem to notice it, thankfully. “Do you want me to stay with you for the rest of the week?”
“Eh?” Tsukasa feels his cheeks burn hot at just the idea of it. If it were any other time, maybe Tsukasa would say no. Certainly if they weren’t boyfriends, it would be inappropriate for Rui to stay for that long. Though more than that, he wouldn’t be able to take it. Rui being close but not close enough, not what Tsukasa needs. Given the situation now, though, it feels like a necessity. He needs Rui. “Yes, I’d love it if you’d stay a little longer. We can even test some ideas of yours, though do make sure none of it involves anything that could cause damage to my home or excessive mess. I know that’s your routine, but please, for my family’s sake.”
“Ehehe,” Rui squishes his fingers into the back of Tsukasa’s hands, and his gaze meets Tsukasa’s. The glow of the moon in the sky above can’t compare with those brilliant smiling eyes. “I’ll do my best to avoid causing any damage, Tsukasa-kun. I want to make a lot of warm memories with you.”
Just like that, Rui cuts down the veil that Tsukasa’s tirelessly been trying to maintain from the moment he called the other over. Just like that, the real reason has been exposed, and all without him saying a word. How does he know? Should he even question it? Tsukasa feels his mouth go dry, and he stops in his tracks. They don’t have much more to go, but...There’s cameras outside of his house. Right, they’ll have to stop holding hands when they get close, and he’s not quite ready to do that yet.
Rui doesn’t tug, stopping with him. Rui turns his body to face Tsukasa, and slowly, Tsukasa rotates himself to do the same. His eyes are glued to the English text on Rui’s hoodie. It says “HAPPY” in bright orange, which looks especially awful against the burnt red that is the main color of the garment. Even with those critiques, Tsukasa just wants to collapse against it. Instead, he opts for placing his other hand over the center, waiting until he can hear the beating heart beneath against his palm. Rui places his hand on Tsukasa’s shoulder in turn.
“It’s...It’s not that bad, really.” Despite his best efforts to alleviate the situation, Tsukasa still can’t look up at that expression looking down on him. “It’s just exhausting to be by myself for too long. It’s boring. Of course I don’t remember it clearly. I don’t want you to think I’m using you either. I’m not that concerned about it, and honestly, I was just being paranoid when I messaged you today. Thank you, though. I won’t forget what you’ve done for me, I promise.”
“It’s alright, Tsukasa-kun,” Rui reassures, and gently as he can, he rolls his hand over Tsukasa’s shoulder and onto his back, pulling him closer in. Eventually, Tsukasa gets his wish, and his face is pressed into Rui’s chest, right over his sternum. Rui’s scent fills his world. It’s a fresh scent, with a hint of something fruity. If Tsukasa recalls correctly, he remembers Rui saying he uses the same mixed berry shampoo from his childhood. “I want to help you keep your memories, and even regain them if it can be helped. You told me that you forgot the reason you wanted to become a star, so if I can prevent you from losing anything else precious to you, then it’s something I simply must do.”
Tsukasa wasn’t completely drained, but now he is. He feels utterly worthless, and it’s nothing of Rui’s fault, but instead his own. Is he saying the two might be related? Surely not...Surely...Surely he’s not that forgetful, right? Then again, he can’t escape the fact that he nearly pushed Rui away altogether because of his arrogance. The very same arrogance that replaced the warmth of his lost childhood memories. How could he lose something important to him like that? He still doesn’t understand.
Maybe it was like the taste of chocolate milk. Maybe, in his desperation for something to make himself smile, he recalled something he loved because of the memories he’d associated with it. Maybe he decided it wasn’t as good as how he remembered it, all because he still felt miserable in the moment.
“No...” Tsukasa’s breathing breaks out into shudders, and his heart won’t steady. Salt gathers in his mouth, the source from droplets that have dripped down from his cheeks.
“No...?” Rui slips his fingers from Tsukasa’s hand up to his wrist, but before he can properly embrace Tsukasa himself, Tsukasa is already throwing himself into Rui. A hand strokes itself through Tsukasa’s hair; long, delicate fingers send shivers with every stroke, and though they calm him, Tsukasa’s anguish persists as he soaks Rui’s hoodie in tears.
“I don’t―” Tsukasa tries to rephrase himself, but it’s difficult to breathe. He turns his head to the side, sniffling once, then again, and though the tears keep coming, he’s begging them to stop. “I don’t want to forget anything. I don’t want to forget how you make me feel. I don’t want to lose the things that make me happy ever again.”
“I won’t let them be taken from you ever again.” Rui vows it, and Tsukasa wants to believe him. He has no reason not to. Tsukasa’s always known Rui to be a magnificent person from the moment he laid his eyes on the enchanting stage director. “We should hurry home soon, Tsukasa-kun.”
“Mm...” Tsukasa lifts his chin, and then presses it against Rui’s chest. His lips are shut, and his eyes are only half-open. The moon is behind Rui’s head, its glow casting a halo around him. Almost like an angel, or an alien maybe. He’s beautiful either way. “I know, but...” He’s selfish. He’s acting really selfish right now, he should just let go. He’s going to have to anyway, once they reach the corner next to his house. The thought of letting go feels as scary to him as the thought that he might not remember this moment at all.
“Ah, of course, how silly of me.” Rui squeezes his arms around Tsukasa’s waist. Then, he leans in. Closer, closer, until close isn’t even an option anymore. Their lips meet, and it’s warm. It’s as warm as their first kiss, better in every way.
He won’t forget. He won’t let go. He can’t forget a memory so happy that it erases all the sadness in his heart. He’s not alone.