Chapter Text
He, he was your angel, he was your beautiful, captivating angel.
Like the sun shining after the heavy rain, that damn beautiful smile of his made you feel like there's always hope in this cruel world. Shining brightly as if he could light up the whole room, in fact, for you he did. He brought to light your life and made you dependent on it. He was the reason for your smile, he was the reason you were passionate about life, he was the reason you were so willingly trying to be someone he would be proud of.
Catching everyone's attention was something he's done quite easily, with his Greek god-like face and body at the age of 20, however, he was the center of your attention since you two were 4 years olds with chubby cheeks, in kindergarten. As much as every 4-year-old, you were supposed to be beamed with energy and laughter, that was a case for you too once, but it faded away unexpectantly. You were not okay, you were not okay for a 4-year-old and he was not too, you distanced yourself from your other friends, it was only childish behavior, they said, not like they were aware of the struggle you had in your house, a home you wished you could've been calling, but the only home you knew was his arms, where you feel safe the most.
Unlike your state being cold, you became friends with him quickly, he melted your ice walls the ones you didn't even want in the first place, when you saw him playing in the sandbox, you were curious enough to introduce yourself and you met with bright eyes and a childish smile, where his primary teeth were crooked and it gave him a unique warmth. From kindergarten wherever you see him, you could feel the heat of his smile. It was like his signature, his signature of saying "We'll be happy, together."
You saw that smile, live every moment with his smile when you both started primary school, middle school, high school, and now college. That reassuring smile was there when he sent you off to your finals and when you failed your project because of a stupid group member. The smile was there when you felt down. You gladly returned it to him as well.
When his dad left his mom, you were there to hug him, telling him "you'll be okay, I'm here for you no matter what, I'm right here." You were there for him at his first heartbreak, surprisingly it crushed your heart too, maybe even more, you weren't sure if it was because you saw him in that state or someone broke his heart which you self-claimed as yours sixteen years ago.
That was the boy who got you hooked and didn't even have a clue. With one stroke on your hair with long fingers of his, one soft kiss on your forehead with lips looked like honey-glazed, one cuddle when you're or he is feeling down, with the scent of his burying you deep down in the hole you called being in love. He got you hooked. He got you hooked so fucking well you were unable to feel anything but happiness when you were with him. He was like the sun, burning everything within you and shining proudly while doing it.
He was the sun in your life, he was your sun.
It was like mocking, the way he captured your life, your heart, your mind in between his hands. Running his fingers against it, twisting and turning by his desire. What even more felt funny was that he had no idea. He was so, so gullible about his effect on you. He saw you as his best friend and yes best friends have an effect on each other's life, but his change in your life was not that.
You weren't supposed to feel your heart going to escape your ribcages by breaking them apart whenever you were with him. You weren't supposed to want-need his lips on your skin. You weren't supposed to feel the urge to touch every strand of his beautiful and shining hair whenever he was tying them up. You weren't supposed to feel his lean figure when you were hugging him and you certainly weren't supposed to keep yourself away from the urge to mark every bit of his skin as yours. You were surely not supposed to have wet dreams, daydreams about how his cock would make you feel when you were under him.
And he didn't even need to do anything for you to feel that way. He was always being himself, the boy playing in the sandbox was in front of you when you both celebrated high school graduation and now he was playing basketball - as the captain in fact- for your college's team before you and every individual in your college, chanting his name like a prayer. He was still the same and that drove you crazy, that beautiful and childish behavior was the reason you couldn't sleep at night thinking of a future with him, having a family with him.
His laugh, God where should you even being with, was contagious, yes, but for you, it was like a fresh breath of oxygen you inhale when you first dive into a deep green forest after weeks of living in a big city. His eyes, were the reason you were so adamant to make him happy, to see the little specks of blue within the sea of meshed up variety of greens.
And you asked yourself nearly every night and every morning when the sun didn't even rise yet, looking at your reflection on the mirror, "How could you love him?" "How could you even think you deserve his love?" "you'll just mess him up, you don't deserve him." "you should be lucky he's still in your life." Your eyes, the doors of your soul, tried to show you the actual truth, besides the lies you've been telling yourself over a decade, that maybe, maybe you were able to feel love, maybe his, God please let me feel his love, you sometimes screamed at the mirror in front of you.
He was the reason for your urge to escape these chains that buried your mind in deep dark thoughts. He made you want to fly, fly away without any insecurities and be happy with him, with everything you have. You wanted to give him everything you have. You wanted him to be happy, to not feel alone, to feel love, and to feel whatever you can make him feel.
You couldn’t help but get close to him, attracted to him as a moth does to the light in the night. You kept getting closer and closer, he was burning your skin at this point however feeling the warmth in your bones blinded your feelings. You were happy that you were feeling warm, without noticing you were burning.
You were flying, you were flying to him, to your sun.
You knew you were playing with the fire, you were flying too close to him.
The sun that would make your candle wings melt and let you fall till you smash to the floor, or worse, burning you with your wings; ironically burning you with the melted candles you once believed were the key to your happy ending locking you into your destiny of misery, the one you were so willing to escape.
The scene in front of you was escaped from some sort of artwork otherwise there was no way of him being this perfect. Him, being sweaty and out of breath, smiling stupidly to the crowd, for the last 4 minutes of him showing his best at the game he played since he was 7 years old, he was proud, you were proud of him. But,
But individuals crowded the field in front of you after those 4 minutes crushed you. They sucked every bit of zest of life you have, every bit of happiness you felt for him went down the drain because of that scene before you. You were supposed to be happy, for him because he won, your best friend won, his team won against the opponent. But why, why they were there, and why you couldn't keep your eyes away from them?
Eren, kissing- making out with his girlfriend out of joy, feeling the swell of his pride, his teammates were patting his shoulders while his only focus was on his girlfriend. It didn't feel like when he had a girlfriend in high school. There weren't their supporters chanting for them, implying for them to have sex on the flag of the opponent team. This, this felt something else and you could feel your heart broke into shatters within seconds.
And you, stupid, stupid you, were on the bleachers, throat sore from yelling his name.
You were burning, burning with so much fire in you and out of you. You were feeling the melted candles burning your skin, your heart, and your mind. You were falling, falling down from the limitless sky you once promised to make your and his home feel the freedom within your veins.
He waved at you after he stopped kissing his girlfriend. You should be happy, right? You should be happy for him. For his achievement at the game and for his girlfriend who clearly makes him happy. So why there's nothing but a void inside you? Why has your mind stopped running thoughts of him and there's nothing but a white blank page there? Why weren't you smiling? Why weren't you waving at him with gleams in your eyes for him?
So this is what it feels like burning, so this is what it feels like falling down. So this is what it feels like drowning in the sea of dark and dreadful thoughts. Feeling your hopes crushing, feeling every one of your cells scream in heartbreak, and to feel your ribs hurting from your breathing getting uneven, your insides were churning out of pity, out of sorrow, and out of your broken, non-functioning mind.
You were drowning, drowning in the euphoric dreamland you built for both of you. The family you imagined, the home you thought was crushing down on you and you couldn't breathe. You wanted to scream, to scream to live. You wanted to beg for him, beg for him to stay, stay for you and stay for a future with you.
But the wink his girlfriend sent you after he got the cup and raised towards to bleachers, crowd gone wild. It wrecked you in a whole different way, then the realization hit you and it hit you so fucking hard. He was slipping, slipping away from you, under the spotlights and the love he was receiving from his girlfriend, from everyone around him was enough. Enough for him to not notice you, enough for him to not notice you were running towards him but the crowd pushed you away, out of his and his companions' way.
And there's nothing you could do about it but watching his happiness grow in the corner of his life. You wanted him to be happy, right? You wanted him to have a bright future and that future to have you in it. However, if that was the only way for him to be happy, then so be it. You would gladly burn, again and again, drown again and again just to see him be happy. Just to be a part of his life. Maybe you would only appear as his best friend, maybe even as a blur in the long run.