Work Text:
"Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me... "
We all wear masks. My commander mask is one I’ve worn for many years. It’s cold, emotionless but strong. It’s what my people have always needed. It’s how we have survived and I wear it with pride. I’m comfortable in it. But then she entered my life and I felt the cracks begin. I tried to distance myself but I was weak and the pieces began to fall away. I’m able to wear the mask of the commander in front of my people but as soon as my eyes rest upon her, Lexa shines through. She’s my weakness and even the strength of my commander mask is no match.
On this night as I kill more mountain men than I care to count, I feel the blood of them upon my face and I know this is the mask of my people. This is how we win. This is how we live another day. Lexa could never do this. Then Emerson appears, halting our battle, and speaks of the destruction his men will rain down upon us. At first, I’m furious and want nothing more than to slash his throat with my blade but as he continues to speak the weight of his words begins to register. I think of my people, of our future and of our past. I think of the sky people and what I do or do not owe them and finally her. Lexa peeks through with this thought and Emerson sees it… weakness. He plays upon what he sees and offers me a deal. My commander mask is firmly in place as I refuse, spitting out “blood must have blood” but then he utters her name and my mask falters.
As I return to the remainder of my men and the sky people who are anxiously waiting to continue on in battle, I see her. I can tell by the way her eyes shine in the torches and how her brow wrinkles in confusion, that she can see the mask I’m wearing as I approach. I tell her of the deal and what it means. She doesn’t understand. She’s searching my face, trying to make sense of what I’m saying. She tries to convey everything she is feeling, so many words unspoken, as she pleads for me to change my mind. I stand firm in my decision even as her eyes show her breaking heart and fear of what this means for her and her people. I only waiver slightly as I whisper ‘may we meet again’, barely managing to keep my voice from breaking. I turn away from her, chin trembling slightly, as I feel my mask, my being, my everything fall away. I’m a shell of person as I walk up the hill with my people, commander mask now permanently embedded. Lexa lies at her feet, never to be worn again. She'll never know that in order to save her, I gave her all of me in the end.
"...you alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to."