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Love,
That's what you are. Love. In its most pure, perfect, flawed, human, out of this world form. And you're not just the embodiment of love, you are my love, which makes it even more special to me. You are the one who taught me not only how it is to be loved, but how I should let myself love whoever I desire to.
So love, today I want to open my heart to you - I've been doing this for the past ten years, I know, but hear me out - I want to really tell you how you've changed my life.
Okay, I also know that the fact you've changed my life is no surprise to anyone, especially to you - I mean, you're my partner, the one I love the most, the other parent to my future child. Saying that you flipped my world upside down is an understatement. However, one of these days I was in the subway coming back from work, and I overheard a young girl telling her friend that some other girl named Hyuna - irrelevant, but you know I like to tell you all the details - was her bisexual awakening. For a minute there I was like “what the hell is a bisexual awakening?” and then everything clicked inside my mind.
Did you know that you were my bisexual awakening, Jimin-ah?
I’m sure you did. You’ve always been more upfront and modern than me, so I’m guessing this term is not new to you. That’s not important, though. What’s important here is that, since I’ve heard of that (and googled it to confirm my suspicion), I can’t stop thinking about how you really woke me up.
Imagine me, a naive 22 years old, barely had any experience dating women, much less entertaining the thought that I might be into men. I was sure I was attracted to women, so why should I think any further?
As you know, I had never questioned myself about my sexuality. Sure, I knew that sometimes I’d look at one or two men and think to myself "damn, he's... good looking,” but was that enough to make me cross the line of wondering whether that was simply admiration or a slight piece of desire? Back then, I didn’t think so. You know better than anyone how much easier it is to pass by as a straight person in such a judgemental world, so why should I dig any more when I knew for a fact that I liked women?
Well, here’s the thing: you .
Why should I dig further? Because of you.
It was not quick, I know. It took nearly four years into our friendship for my so-called “bisexual awakening” to come into action.
(I still can’t believe that I spent four years thinking that my painful need to sleep hugging you with my nose nestled on your neck whenever I could was because we were best friends. Poor me.)
But hey! At least I woke up, am I right? Let's focus on that and not on my oblivious yearning.
Okay, back to the main topic. You are well acquainted with most of my journey from a “straight” man, to a “maybe I’m not straight” until I felt comfortable enough to say out loud that I’m bisexual. Even so, there are some parts of it I’ve never told you - and it’s not because I wanted to keep it from you, but because I was too young to grasp exactly what I was feeling. Now I’m older, wiser - I hope - and with five years of therapy on my back.
One sure thing is that everyone's experience is different. I don’t know how was the bisexual awakening of the young girl on the subway, but I know that ours, for example, were completely opposite. You always knew you liked boys, that was never a doubt or an “awakening” per se. You never had to wonder because it was a certainty in your life.
In my case, I never had that. I had never fallen for a man or had any conscious desire to even kiss one until that party at Jungkook's house. We were both wasted as hell, lying on that dirty wooden floor when you, with all your grace and naivety, told me that I looked at you like you were magic "or something" - and it's like I can hear you saying that right now as I write this.
I will never forget how my head was resting right on the left side of your chest, your heartbeat almost lulling me to sleep when I was suddenly startled by the vibration of your voice beaming the words that shifted something inside me. The alcohol immediately started to wear out of my system because, fuck , I did look at you like you were magic - you fucking were (are) magic.
That stuck inside my brain like bubblegum. I remember how that sentence completely took me by surprise and my only reaction was to say that we were too drunk and should sleep, but in reality, I spent the whole damn night wondering why did I look at you like you were magic. Even more, what was so magical about you?
The answer only came two months later when, again, we were drunk as we always were back in the days, but on that occasion, we were at Namjoon-hyung's old apartment. (remember that one with the yellow wall that I kept saying matched your soul's energy?) Funny thing is, we kissed for the first time right against that wall and that was when I realized that not only did the yellow tone match your soul’s energy, but my soul matched yours - I’m a cheesy man, sue me.
It was supposed to be just a drunk, friendly, innocent kiss. Well, not that innocent and friendly - one side of me knew it was a little more than that. I wanted to know if by kissing you I’d finally feel in my body the magic that I always saw when I locked gazes with you. Still, when it happened, I was not sure if I was supposed to like it that much. I was already open-minded enough to know that I was not meant to feel grossed out by the fact I kissed a man, but I felt far from grossed out or strange at all; the first thing that came into my mind was the thought that I should have been kissing you for a long time.
So yes, it sure felt like magic.
It felt like magic to love someone and be loved on the same frequency level.
It felt like magic to understand that what I felt for you was more than friendship and that it was okay to feel it for someone who shares the same gender as me.
It felt like magic to kiss you over and over again and never be able to get rid of the goosebumps that insisted on saying hello every time your lips touched mine.
It felt like magic to hear you saying that you loved me more than just friends for a long time.
It felt like magic to have you by my side, understanding that it’s not that easy to come out not only for the world but to yourself.
And it still feels like magic to wake up - literally - by the side of the one I love the most since before I even knew what exactly was this love.
Jimin, you were and always will be my magic. I hope you don’t mind me looking at you every single day of our lives like an excited 8 year old enchanted by a magician's tricks, because, damn! You are cooler than all magic tricks together and I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have a whole Park Jimin in my hands.
I don’t know if every person in the world has the chance to experience magical things, but I thank the Universe for allowing me to kiss you 10 years ago today.
Happy 10 years since our first kiss, love.
From the one who loves you the most,
Kim Taehyung.